I'm sorry that I'm such a newbie that I may be posting this wrong - I tried posting in the vet/newbie thread too, but I guess there is some lag time for new posters. Since I also can't seem to get a signature, my basics stats are Myself = 44, Wife = 47. Married for 11 years together for 12+. Stepson from wife's first marriage = 22 (lives in our home), and we have two children of our own - Daughter = 10 and Son = 8.
I will try to be brief with my setup and perhaps someone can help and I'll put forth whatever details are needed. I still think it may end up being a bit long...
My sitch is that at the beginning of this year I was experiencing some high stress with work and finances. I was also having some health issues that were tough to diagnose, and this was bringing me down too. I work full time and earn enough that my wife has been able to stay at home.
However, in March my wife started working for a guy who has his own pool company. He opens and closes pools and also does repair and the like. Since we have a pool, we've used him so both my wife and I knew him, and I thought this was a perfect deal for her to earn some money and be in contact with people since she would be doing his scheduling.
Things seemed OK until April when I caught her lying about going to his home. The pool guy is 47 and single - just him and his dog. She told me that she had to go to his home because his billing program is on his home computer, and part of what she is doing is the bills and invoices. I could get that, but the fact that she lied twice about going to his home bothered me - she said she did not want me to take it the wrong way.
After this, in May, my gallbladder had to be removed and I had a bad reaction after that. I was glad to have found the source of the trouble I was having, but being so down already I knew I was probably into or heading into clinical depression.
Later in May, I did something I should not have and I snooped. The whole pool-guy thing was bothering me as she was texting him a bunch (phone bill) I found some personal emails, but also was able to see some very sexually-oriented texts that she sent to him. I got the texts from a backup file, so I could only see the outgoing, but they were pretty horrible to read.
When confronted my wife just claimed that they were all jokes and she likes to try to shock him all the time. These were highly sexual, and it just smacked of something two people in a PA would do. She swore up and down that nothing physical had ever gone on, but obviously there was at LEAST an EA there.
I went to see a psych not long after and wife came with me. I was indeed diagnosed with depression and put on some meds, and it was suggested to go to MC which my wife agreed to. The first session was not all that great as I felt like I was ganged up on. I told the therapist that I did not insist that my wife quit the job right then because I did not think that would stop the contact and I knew how much she liked the job. The resentment she would have had for forcing her to quit would have been too much (wife never offered to quit and even said specifically that she did not want to). The therapist then said that I'd have to allow everything involved with the job including her going to his home. Thankfully my wife did step in and made sure she went when he was not home, and even one time took our daughter when we was there.
Still, I hated the situation and felt like a bit of a doormat. I asked my wife on 6/26 what is missing from our marriage that made her do these things with him, and she just said that for a long time there has not been fun in our marriage.
I am ashamed to say that she was right. Despite my dealing with depression and medical issues, long before that I can see where I spent time focusing on the kids and with work when my wife was practically screaming for attention. That WAW section in chapter one could not fit better. I felt so foolish.
My wife then said she does not think that she wants to move forward in the marriage. She thinks it's too late. Of course I was devastated - my family is the most important thing to me and we've built what I think is a great one.
She tells me that she is willing to try and will continue with therapy, but I guess I best make sure this therapist is a believer in marriage saving - I'm afraid if she hears that my wife might have a foot out the door that it will become something of a pre-divorce deal.
I found this site maybe a day later, and despite what I have roiling underneath I have been happy and upbeat in front of her. I've scheduled a few things for the family to do. I've tried to get her to go out with me alone, but she replied that she "was not ready for that". Not sure what that means, but I let it go and just worked on what I could.
I did tell her that my eyes have been opened. That I was wrong to take her for granted and not live life like we should be living it. I'm excited to have this new perspective - life is so short and it should be lived to its fullest. I thanked her for waking me up and apologized for having it come to this before I did. She said thanks, but she is still thinking that she is done. "Just no spark there now".
So I at least have a wife who says she will try and will be attending MC with me. I've been running and joined an over-40 soccer league and think I might want to get back to karate. I can only control things in my own power, right. I don't know if this is having any effect since she seems distant and now calls pool guy and texts him at will. Like the Divorce Bomb trumped my anger over the EA and possible PA.
So what do I do? I am a physical and emotive person who likes to show affection, so I hate that I've not been that way with my wife the past week. No overtures from her either. I don't know if I should be affectionate to show that my change in point of view includes my appreciation of her value to me, or do I just back off and let her figure out what she needs. She did give me feedback in that she has appreciated the space, so I've been going with that.
Any help? My kids and I have a very special bond - especially with my daughter. They would be hurt so horribly by a divorce and the upheaval that would have to occur. And I do love my wife with all my heart and want her to be with me as we grow old together.
Thanks
M = 44 W = 47 Mar = 11 years T = 12 years S8, d10, ss22 ILYBINILWY June 26, 2012 I need to be free and live July 10, 2012
Get the DR book and read it. Get out and GAL. DETACH. Believe none of what she says and half of what she does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Thanks Cadet, but that other thread has a title of Vets & Newbies (I thought I was posting in that thread). Not sure if others would look at it given that. Any way to change that title or change things to make THIS the main thread?
M = 44 W = 47 Mar = 11 years T = 12 years S8, d10, ss22 ILYBINILWY June 26, 2012 I need to be free and live July 10, 2012
