A little background. In 2004, my w walked away. I had 2 boys, 15 and 7. I thought I was going to die. I lost 30 pounds and had no idea what was going on. I found DB and everything in the WAW chapter was about 98% accurate. I could then breath after understanding what was going on. I followed the principles and she came back in about 5 months. (I found out there was another man.) Things were tough for a while but got better. Then in 2007, she accidentally left her computer email account opened and I found she was in the process of meeting the same guy she had the PA with in 2004. The emails show they had not been in contact until a recent birthday wish which started their conversation up again. There were other online emotional affairs going on also. At this point, she had yet to meet up with anyone yet, not that it mattered. I asked her to leave. We reconciled and she seemed to really mean it.
The last couple of years, she started having problems with pain pills (based on a surgery). In addition, she was having bad problems with her body and emotions because of menopause. There was a year or so we had sex maybe 4 times. I never used it against her but we became like room mates. We were friends but I did not treat her like a wife. She had a hysterectomy and continues to have depression issues.
About a month ago, we were at a counselors office and I unloaded on her problems with the pills and her unhappiness. That evening, she was very mad and wanted divorce. We were going to tell the kids at the end of the week. At the very last minute, she backed up and said she wanted to work on things, she had been divorced before and didn't want to do it again. More counseling and things seemed to be great. There was more sex. I couldn't wait to talk to her about her day. I was always telling her how thankful I was to have her in my life.
I again found some text messages/emails to a guy in another state who is coming back for high school homecoming. Clearly, there she was again in an ea and possibly looking for a pa when he got here. Once discovered, I told her she needed to leave. Since then, I struggle with wanting to work things out. We had a bad argument/fight and lots of hurtful things were said. She is moving into an apartment next week. She said it's over and we are divorcing.
I am right back to where I was in 2004. One side of me says I will be better off once she is gone, she would probably just do it again. the other side leaves my devastated because I feel a strong christian need to keep the family unit together. I am more worried that she will turn out like her mother (broke, alone, sad). I know I will be better off in a year and will be healthy. Right now, I'm crying, losing weight, depressed, I guess probably because I don't have any control over the situation.
I plan on DB anyway and reread the things I should and should not do. The problem is, she is very aware of DB because of all the discussions we had about it after our first successful fix. I talk about it to anyone going through divorce. I don't think it will have the same effects if did the first time but I know it will make me better. Just curious how many times other people have let themselves go through this?
By the way, to let you know how bad she thinks our relationship is, she is moving from a 2500 square foot home with pool and acreage to a 600 square foot apartment, and leaving our dog which is like a kid to her. I've learned that when a spouse is in pain, they will do almost anything to get out, no matter how bleak it is for them.
"I again found some text messages/emails to a guy in another state who is coming back for high school homecoming. Clearly, there she was again in an ea and possibly looking for a pa when he got here."
Did she say specifically that she wanted to have sex with the guy in her messages?
After the first time this happened 7 years ago, did you discuss this with her? About it being disrespectful and establish boundaries and such? It seems like you still have alot of things that were never resolved and just swept under the rug.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I just posted about 8 years in a couple of paragraphs. More details: I could not see the texts from the att billing statement other that the times and numbers of texts. Many were late night after I went to sleep or when I was working another job.
Let me clear up what I left out of my first post. I found the emails and texts about a month ago, just shortly after the meeting with the counselor. Some of the short messages I was able to see said things like my H is working now and we can talk. The main thing is my W admitted to them when confronted. She described some of the conversations where they both said they should not be communicating like this.
BTW, I called the other guy and asked if he knew she was married with kids. Did he know he ruined a marriage? He admitted he shouldn't have done it and he would stop. In fact, he was cancelling his trip home to the reunion. He sounded remorseful but I wouldn't expect anything else. At least I got to say my peace to him which made me feel better. If he is telling the truth, my W will be livid I messed it up.
Also, after the first occasion, there were many counseling sessions to discuss many, many issues. One thing that I had to work on is to not always wanting to verify where she was or what she was doing. I had the attitude that I can't stop it if she wants to do it. Worked for a long time. Part of my sadness is realizing I probably wouldn't be able to get over it again. Would I constantly be checking up on her. I know that is no way to live. I am so torn right now....
Wow, I can relate as I'm in almost an identical situation. My son is convinced his mom needs psychiatric help. Keep me posted on how things are going, I'm not in much of a mood for talking right now, but will be praying for you.
Me:53 W:50 M:29 years T: 30 years Children: S21, D12
Robb, One son is 23 and out of the house and the other is 16 living at home. I was discussing this with him yesterday and his response was "I don't think it's worth it, she has done this three times to you that I know of." Wow, I didn't expect that answer about his mother. He said "you should try and give her another chance, if she wants to stay, fine. If she doesn't, she should leave."
"One thing that I had to work on is to not always wanting to verify where she was or what she was doing."
Hold up. I think you were extremely justified to do this. Especially with the amount of inappropriate texting and messages going on. That's where you shouldn't have given in. She has to step up to the plate and owned her sh@t and then gone through steps to show that her actions are transparent.
Were things like that ever discussed?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Yes that was discussed. She was very open with everything in the beginning. Over time, I knew i did't want to always be suspicious and the trust slowly returned.
What's funny is that i just found she removed me from Facebook. Wow. It feels like she is erasing me from her life.
Also found out yesterday that she found an apt and moving out in about ten days. I know I have to let it happen and try to keep my chin up.
Notgivingupyet, have you gone through "I love you", then a day later "I don't think I love you like I should"?
My wife is staying some where else right now, this is the 3rd time in 10 years. Drives me nuts, hurts like crap sometimes, then sometimes I'm OK. She will get close (wanting to do things together, talking like best friends, wanting to do things for me, etc., then all of a sudden.....bam.....she pulls back.
What the heck can I do but ride it out?
Me:53 W:50 M:29 years T: 30 years Children: S21, D12
Robb I've heard it all. The most recent is Im not happy, I'm missing something and you can't provide it. I know i have to let her move out and be on her own. To let her see her problems go with her and they are not me. This time around I have more sadness in me thinking I will have to let her go for my own sake. My own well being. Which is different because i know she has depression and hormone issues. Ive always thought i would be a bad person if i left a "sick" spouse. My vows were for better or for worse. Im in a position where i am trying better to hope for the best and prepare for the worst. I have some other thoughts i will type later but Im tired of typing on my phone and will comment later when i can get on my computer. TIME TO GET UP AND START THE ROLLER COASTER RIDE.
