In-Home Separation, One Year Point

[sayitaintso]

I think it makes perfect sense, especially this part:

I believe all relationships are composed of imperfect people who need the skills and tools to make the best life together that they can. I'm still ready to do this with H, whole heartedly. I don't call that settling. I vowed 18 years ago to love and honor him till death do us part, not till I don't like how things are going.

I now know that I shouldn't expect another person to "complete" me (boo on Jerry Maquire). That's my job.

Luv both of these^^^

[adinva]

Thanks Say! Sleepover was a snafu, as in situation normal. Gotta love boys. Nice to have someone understand.

[WifeofPa]

Adinva,

Your posts always teach me a lot and make me think, dwell and then apply.

What you say about staying committed to your M keeps running through my mind.

I read once that the reasons why we marry someone--physical attraction, intellectual connections, great sex, good conversations, need to be together, etc. etc.--have nothing to do with the skills needed to stay married, which is figuring out how to work through problems together and giving each other reason and confidence to grow and the space to be alone

Huh.

I'm really inspired by the skills you are applying in figuring out how to stay married.

WofP

[ces67]

Hey Ad, hope you found something fun for the holiday. I'll chime in on the sleepover thing too. S13 typically has 1 to 3 friends over almost every Friday. It's fun but we certainly have to find good boundaries. Our latest is "no food upstairs". The big issue is our sin not taking responsibility to clean up. Just another learning opportunity.

Your observations on your h are interesting...lost kitten...devaluing accomplishments of others., etc. you are right in that it can be mind reading but you also seem to be very astute. There is something there that your H needs to deal with. It's hard knowing that he has to choose to do so himself.

Glad you are able to acknowledge the hurt and keep moving. You are a strong person. Take care

[adinva]

Thanks CES! I'm pulling weeds outside, must be 100 degrees out there! Came in for another bratwurst, yum! And check the boards over lunch.

I think mindreading is a bad idea, but trying to learn what makes your spouse tick is a different thing altogether. This should come from conversation but since my H and I are in such a bad spot I do it through observation. I am learning that things I judged before are now best understood, with the recognition that I am also not perfect, but trying.

I wish I could tell h how much better equipped I am now to be a partner to him, but that's not db and it wouldn't work. He has to realize it on his own.

[labug]

I wish I could tell h how much better equipped I am now to be a partner to him, but that's not db and it wouldn't work. He has to realize it on his own.

I was sitting out on my front porch (it's beautiful here this morning, we're having unusually moderate temps) enjoying my last cup of coffee and watching the birds, thinking very similar thoughts.

And my thoughts turned to, if we divorce now, he won't even know the woman he is divorcing, because I didn't know the person I've become could even exist.

[sweetbabyred]

I wish I could tell h how much better equipped I am now to be a partner to him, but that's not db and it wouldn't work. He has to realize it on his own.

I completely understand. This past year has forced me to confront some of my tendencies that I've discovered I don't really like about myself. I've learned to force myself to try new things, because I usually do like them once I've given it a try.

And I've definitely learned what it means to be a good partner to someone. In the past I was way too independent and we weren't enough of a team together.

So I know that if we did try again, things wouldn't be like they were before because I am a completely different person than I was last year and that's a good thing.

But it can be very frustrating to know that I may never get the chance to show him.

At least I know that the next relationship I'm in, with H or someone else, will have a better shot because of everything that has happened. I may not have asked for this situation, but I will do my best to learn from it.

[cat04]

You might say that my interest in working things out with my H and having a good marriage is settling because I might find someone out there who I can be more fulfilled with. I don't look at it that way.

With counseling I've seen some shortcomings in H, emotionally, that will likely never change. Do I throw in the towel, become an active participant in the divorce, and tell my kids that we agreed that divorcing was the best thing for us so we could find more happiness elsewhere? I don't think so.

I believe all relationships are composed of imperfect people who need the skills and tools to make the best life together that they can. I'm still ready to do this with H, whole heartedly. I don't call that settling. I vowed 18 years ago to love and honor him till death do us part, not till I don't like how things are going. If/when he divorces me, I'll feel released from my vows but I don't yet feel or want to feel that way.

I think there would need to be a different way of looking at this if my presence was hurting h or damaging our kids, but in the past year I've learned to change my part in our dynamics and our home is pleasant. My h is no longer stressed out and miserable. I believe if we could change this much we can change more. If he can't get himself interested in working on the relationship it'll be hopeless, but we are in a process that takes time. Just because he has said before that he's not interested doesn't mean he can't change his mind. Every reconciliation on this board happened because someone changed their mind.

Yes, every reconciliation on this board happened because someone changed their mind.

Every divorce happened for the very same reason.

I don’t think it is settling to want a better M. I don’t think it is settling to hope that that is possible.

I believe we as LBS, should do everything in our power to make it possible for a reconciliation to happen. That means recognizing and learning to accept our S as they are. I don’t know if it means dissecting every little action or word from them necessarily. I think we can get to deep in trying to analyze our S and then it does appear like settling. As we analyze and accept our own behaviors and thoughts, we can simply learn to accept that people are different and that is the way of life. The only reason to go deeper with our S’s behavior is to know if it is something that we can accept into our lives or not. When we are able to do that, that is when we know if we are settling or not.

I'm afraid to look too closely at things because I want my faulty H and my faulty M to make it and become better with me. I'm afraid to open my heart to other people too much, to put myself in tempting situations, and to really let go and live, because I still feel committed to my M until my H declares that we are done.

Tempting situations are not good for anyone who is vulnerable or still wanting their M. I agree wholeheartedly with avoiding those situations until you are sure you are ready for the possible outcomes.

That being said, being afraid of letting go and living for yourself, avoiding looking too closely at things, is actually damaging to the possible future of your M and your life IMO.

The only fear that I see here is the fear that maybe, just maybe, if you do these things, you may very well end up finding that you agree with your WAS and you don’t want this M anymore. It is a valid fear. It is one that happens sometimes. If it is a fear that you refuse to face, then you do end up either settling for a M that maybe you don’t really want or an unfulfilled life.

If reconciliation comes, you will be ahead of your H. You will have to be patient and wait for him to “catch up” with you. That is part of DB as well. It is why it is said that piecing is harder than standing. It is also a necessary part of the process.

And my thoughts turned to, if we divorce now, he won't even know the woman he is divorcing, because I didn't know the person I've become could even exist.

[adinva]

Hi Cat04!

Your words as always gave me lots to think about.

If H could not change, and did not change, from his fear of intimacy, refusal to acknowledge or share feelings, avoidance of problems, and absolute refusal to see any kind of future for us, well, I would become a WAS too. So if I thought - here he is and here he'll stay, this is the entire package take it or leave it - I would be settling too much if I stayed married to him.

Just changing my part in the dynamic has created changes that I can see, and I don't think he's aware of them. He said I don't listen, but I've learned to hear him in his language. A snide comment suggests a topic I should bring up later to kick around and find out what his thoughts are (I used to snipe back to stand up to him). A 'you-never' statement (you never remember to put away the garden tools) used to be something to argue and challenge, and now it's insight into how I'm coming across to him; an opportunity to negotiate agreement that we can both be satisfied with. There's so much more wrong with our R that we'll have to work on, but I can already see how to respond to him better and take his griping less personally. So I'm not buying the idea that he can't change...because WE have already changed. That is why I don't see as much point in looking closely at his issues and making a decision based on them now. I wouldn't say that as 'afraid' right now though I used that word a post ago.

In my pre-bomb marriage there were aspects I didn't think were 100% great - ML challenges, personality changes, jobs I thought were too stressful - but part of the commitment I made from the beginning was to grow with him, to roll with the changes, to accept and love him as he was. In his words, "you gotta take the good with the bad." I think settling conveys a sense of entitlement and superiority that I don't feel is realistic in my worldview. I made my choice based on all the information I gathered while we dated for four years, and I knew his drawbacks and thought we had great potential for a life together. We unfortunately didn't have the skill set needed to get through life's challenges, and I was blindsided when he decided to walk instead of work on things. It will take him seeing me in the perspective gained from separating himself from me, for him to decide if he would like to work on things after all.

As long as I see hope and opportunity I don't think I'm settling with him, but he's got to have space and time to continue on the path he's on and I'm trying to give it to him.

[adinva]

Just in case I sound like I have it together, I thought I'd journal the part of my weekend I'm not so proud of.

Sunday morning H tried to arrange go karts with me via text, but I didn't get it. When I got home I researched the place and found that the kids aren't old enough to do it (this place is only for people with a drivers license or kids who've done their 2-day $300 training class). I thought it was nice that H was trying to do something fun so I suggested that since they were already out at the pool with their friends maybe we could do a dinner-time thing. Turns out H really was just interested in entertaining his friend's S15. I suggested shooting and he liked that idea and took friend, friend's 24yo gf, and the s15 out shooting. I worked in the garden and S12 came home with a friend from the pool to play inside for a while, and S14 called me for a pickup from the pool with his friends. I went out to buy popsicles and when I got home there were two other cars in the driveway - my parents whom I'd invited over for a cookout for dinner and H's friend's car. So I came in and said hello to my parents and friend's S15 who was in the kitchen with S14 and his friends.

I'm sitting in the living room looking at photos with my parents when H and his friend and the 24yo gf came in from outside, I guess H was giving them a tour. Here's what's important (to me). I did not get up off the floor to hug them, and just said hi and continued talking to my parents. I didn't want to see them and I didn't know what to say to them since they've been harboring my WAH. They were good friends last summer, but now I feel very uncomfortable with them. 24yo gf hovered around and sat with my parents to look at the photos with us, and she complimented my gardens, and I was polite but that's it. I barely saw or talked to H and his friend. I was nicest to the S15 but didn't go hug him either. I feel like I just emotionally retreated from all of them.

I don't know that I want to force myself to be all huggy and bff-ish with these people. I don't really know what goes on at their house or what they say to H. I know if he didn't have their house to crash at for free then he'd have to spend money on a hotel room if he wanted to get out of our house. I feel betrayed by them, and I feel like they're not my friends. But - they're in my house.

Oh well, it wasn't for long, because the three of them left to take S15 to the airport to go to his home in another state, and h told me he wasn't hungry for dinner and disappeared upstairs. I made the hamburgers, brats, and hotdogs, corn and watermelon for my parents and me, S12 and S14 and his friend from the neighborhood. Everything got eaten up. While I was cleaning after everyone was gone, H came looking for an extra hamburger but they were all eaten (ha).

I'm wondering, for you people who've divorced and now have OP in your S's life, how cordial are you? Does time make it easier? I know it's supposed to be good for the kids if you all get along, but I feel like this: If I'm the one who tried and got left I should be allowed to seek happiness with someone else. If H left me and has someone new they are both rats. Do you just DECIDE not to be this way for the greater good? Ugh, it looks hard.