Suddenly Separated in VA -- Part 2

[labug]

I think the separate acct move is good. Less things to get angry and/or resentful about. That is, if you have an agreement on how joint expenses will be paid.

I was freaked out about money for 6-7 months (you've probably seen this in my thread, money is a huge trigger for me) but I got my act together, came up with a plan and it works.

As for his coming over, how are you with it?

My thought, he should come and go as you please. I set a ground rule early on. "H, you have chosen to live elsewhere, this is my home. Please call first if you need to come here for any reason."

Why do you think he's doing this?

[mimivac]

I think the separate acct move is good. Less things to get angry and/or resentful about. That is, if you have an agreement on how joint expenses will be paid.

I agree, and that is what h says, too. I am hung up on the symbolic meaning that this is one step closer to a D. Still have not gotten past that.

I was freaked out about money for 6-7 months (you've probably seen this in my thread, money is a huge trigger for me) but I got my act together, came up with a plan and it works.

I'm glad you were able to do that. You planted those flowers, right? I want to do the same on my balcony, actually. I haven't been able to come up with a financial plan because then I would be planning my life as a single person, and that scares me. Although I have done planning in other realms, the financial is really tripping me up.

As for his coming over, how are you with it?

I don't know. So ambivalent. I often like spending time with him, but it also brings out feelings of being rejected and resentment that he has done this. My h is a good guy and is doing this because he thinks he needs to in order to save himself. If I could see both of us as two people on a jouney to find out who we are and what we want out of life, it would be easier to not feel so implicated. I have flashes of that, but I'm not all the way there.

My thought, he should come and go as you please. I set a ground rule early on. "H, you have chosen to live elsewhere, this is my home. Please call first if you need to come here for any reason."

Yes, I did this, too, and now he tells me when he wants to come over. I guess I am not detached enough NOT to say "yes" every time. Hope this will come with time.

Why do you think he's doing this?

He likes spending time with me, and he also feels guilty for leaving. Per someone's post (25, accuray, mach?), I am trying very hard not to engage in shaming behavior because I don't want his interactions with me to be based on guilt.

Through all this, I am recognizing the need and desire to become more independent and really explore what I want out of life. That has been a huge, unexpected bonus to this. Thank you so much for making me think about these questions.

Mimi

[mimivac]

Well, yesterday with H went well, maybe too well. I spent the day cooking and reading which was nice and relaxing for me. H then texted that he wanted to come over around 5:30 and asked if that worked for me. I waited a bit to respond and then said yes.

He came over and we grilled steaks and vegetables on the balcony and then watched movies together (we are on the third season of Helen Mirren's Prime Suspect, an excellent series). He was very affectionate with me and it felt like old times.

I am not sure how I feel about these evenings. On one hand, I feel they are bringing us closer to each other. I feel they are reminding H of how well we get along and how much we adore each other. But then that's where I wonder. That's mind reading and it may not be true. It could also be convincing H that a life apart from me, with the occasional get-together, is ideal. A fun evening, with no strings attached.

It's dangerous for me to see these evenings as any sort of R. I am trying to compartmentalize and see them for what they are: two people who care about each other spending time together. Again, I remind myself that H has not talked about R, and has not made any move that would indicate he wants our M back. So, I will see the evening as a positive and move on, GALing this week and working on myself. Getting back into the swing of things...

Mimi

[mimivac]

Well, yesterday was another full day without talking to h. I am doing better accepting this and moving on. I was slightly depressed yesterday because it seemed that the glamour and novelty of GAL had worn off a bit, and I was left to just live my life as a single person. It was not a desperate kind of depression, but just kind of a disappointment or resignation. But then I realized that I was choosing to be disappointed and resigned and that while it was OK and even natural to feel this way, I was erecting my own limitations. Sure, I won't be engaged in wildly exciting activities all the time (and don't have the energy or inclination anyway), but that doesn't mean that "living my life" as a single person has to be some sort of compromise.

There are so many things I am learning about myself living alone. I actually LIKE coming home to an empty house. I thought that it would be very lonely and depressing and that I would have to steel myself for it, but I have really taken to it. It's a relaxing, peaceful sanctuary from the rest of my life. Being alone also helps me to REALLY think about what I want out of life. Not what "we" want, or what I should want, or what is possible given both our careers, but what I actually dream of doing, given no obstacles. This is an incredibly freeing way of thinking.

I make plans for myself, read books to better myself, and try to see my h with as much compassion and understanding as possible. I am not an angel so there are times I want to kick his a$$, but I can usually find some affection for him somewhere. Strangely, understanding his point of view helps me to detach because there is nothing that will keep you stuck on something like anger.

Mimi

[mimivac]

So, I forgot to relate an incident from yesterday. Something not huge, but just a little strange. When I got to work, there was an email from h asking me to go onto youtube and look up the song "I'm Gonna Love you Through it." It's about a 38-year-old woman with breast cancer and relates how her husband plans to take care of her and be there for her. He then emailed again, asking if I had heard it. When I said that I had, he said it had made him cry. OK. I know my diagnosis was very, very difficult on h and that he is still affected by it, but it seemed odd that he was pointing out that song right now. I responded that yes, it was a sad song, and that I understood why it would have such an impact on him.

Sigh. Trying not to read anything into it. Last night, I was a bit lonely. I like all the relaxing activities I do after work, but sometimes it gets to me that h and I no longer talk in the evenings. I have good plans for the weekend, so I am looking forward to that. Today is MC.

Mimi

[adinva]

Hi Mimi - you seem like a very cool person. Your H is a fool! I hope that all the space you're giving him allows him to deal with his difficulties and come back. It sounds like he's obsessed with your diagnosis, like he can't see past it to the whole you.

Keep your PMA going, hang in there!

[mimivac]

Hi Mimi - you seem like a very cool person. Your H is a fool! I hope that all the space you're giving him allows him to deal with his difficulties and come back. It sounds like he's obsessed with your diagnosis, like he can't see past it to the whole you.

Keep your PMA going, hang in there!

Ad, thank you so much. This made me feel a lot better today. You are right about h and my diagnosis. He still cries about and it was over 3 years ago. I don't cry about it anymore. He has actually said that the reason he "no longer feels for me things that he should" -- meaning sexual intimacy -- is because he can't get past seeing me as a sick, fragile person and can't get past the scar on my breast (which, objectively, looks great for such a scar). We are dealing with this in therapy. The therapist is exploring why my h has "neutered" me. I would like to know if he can get past it, because otherwise our relationship will be a best friends type of thing. Time will tell.

Mimi

[mimivac]

Had another productive mc session yesterday. H is still adamant that his sexual attraction for me will never return, but we are taking very small, incremental steps. His insistence on this and his revelation that he felt resentful and angry with me about it can sometimes infuriate me. Last night I got home from therapy, poured myself a cocktail and vented to my mom about it for an hour. Really needed to blow off some steam.

The good news is that we are getting along really well these days and h said some positive things in the session. For instance, he seemed to agree with me that this separation is more of a "break" and he expressed nervousness that I might like living alone so much that I don't want to R. The therapist thought we were making progress and said that he would soon be assigning us "homework." Nervous and excited about what this may be.

So, I am thinking of really making an effort to become more active. I am not happy with my sedentary lifestyle and feel I could be a lot healthier. This might also help my h is seeing me differently. He is still stuck on thinking of me as sick and unattractive. And I have to admit, other than a breif spurt of a workout craze right after I finished treatment, I have not been the active, vibrant person I have always wanted to be. But is this pathetic? Is this simply an attempt at losing some weight and looking better so that my h finds me attractive again? I know I would benefit regardless of what he thinks. But if I am doing it only for the R, I know I will become resentful. Argh. Need to work this out in my head.

Mimi

[adinva]

Hi Mimi, your news is good today! You have a smart brain - figure out a way to make it believe that working out is all for YOU, and do it!

Be attractive and vibrant because you want to be (who wouldn't?) - NOT TO GET HIM BACK.

Have a great day!

[mimivac]

Journaling on an overcast, somewhat melancholy day: just wanted you all to know that I have cracked open a bottle of champagne (that I had purchased for h's b-day in Jan., but he dropped the bomb on me instead), ordered sushi, turned up the iTunes, and started a meticulous organization of my walk-in closet. I am also reading and making notes on two fashion books to begin my new life as a pulled-together, stylish dresser. Yep, I am a wild partier.

Won't call my h. That is all.

Mimi