Update

[beatrice]

GAG - Snodderly posted to me to respond to xh like an old friend, and that is what I try to do.

Old friends know that you do not always respond the minute they email, but sometimes you do, that you don't play games, and that you are fond of them, but not overly emotionally invested in their lives and choices. If that makes sense.

So I try and respond to my xh like this. If he does something mean, which he still does occasionally, I ignore it totally, and leave a little time before I get back to him on anything.

I try and keep my expectations to zero, and after a time the trying has become a reality. I know him pretty well, and he is more like his old self. Quite honestly I am not sure if I want anything more than this. I have closure. 80%+ from myself and my actions, and 10% from him being more human. It has helped to have the exchanges, but only at this stage, not when he was mean and angry and spewing.

I have been set free in some manner, [my own actions, passage of time, grace of God] to live my life fully again, and that is wonderful.

[MHL]

Hey GAG,

Glad to see the update, I too have been taking a break from posting, but I popped on today for some reason and saw your new thread.

I think that you have reached a point where you are starting to really step back and look at what you want in a person that you are going to have a close relationship with......and maybe your XH is just not measuring up.

I am glad you went on a quasi-date with this other person, if for nothing else it will put a different perspective on your relationship with your XH.

I have recently had increased contact with my XW and I am finding more and more that I am not that attracted to her anymore. That could be as a result of dating my current GF, but I used to always be attracted to my XW and I have found that there are things that she does now that just sort of turn me off. Nothing major but now that I am fully "over" her, I tend to look at those things more critically.

Could be that you are starting to see things in your XH that you don't expect to change as he moves through his MLC. We tend to get into this mode of waiting for our MLC spouses to go back to the way they were before the bomb and they may never return to that person they were before.

Also, it could be that there were things about your XH that annoyed you previously and you overlooked them because you were "in love" or you tolerated for the sake of the relationship. Could be that now you are no longer willing to tolerate those behaviors since the break in the relationship.

I know for a fact that has happened with me. My XW is a pack-rat.....I don't say that in a derogatory manner....it is who she is and I know that for some people they feel the need to hold on to things. I now know that having a home that is "free" of clutter and junk is important to me and I will not sacrifice that for anyone......even my XW. If she were to complete her journey, fall on her knees, beg forgiveness and want me back I know that if she could not stop that "pack-rat" behavior I could not have a relationship with her.

I think that as you move forward with your life and you continue to interact with your XH you will weigh the pro's and con's of a relationship with him like you would any other regardless of the past and the reason's for his behavior. His behavior is HIS behavior and you have arrived or are very close to arriving at a place where you can more objectively look at things that you will or will not accept in your life.

Then again we could all just be getting "old and crotchety" and set in our ways.

Glad to see the update!!!

Cheers

[goodattitudegirl]

Thanks Antonia, AJ, beatrice, and MHL for your feedback. It means a LOT! ((((Hugs)))) Cadet wrote on Brookie's thread about how after D it's "normal" to have 1 month of grieving for each year of M. I guess I'm not "normal" because I was only with H for 5 years and I'm still struggling at times, although having many more moments of detachment. I've been feeling pretty good recently, but found myself worrying today about XH's biopsy result.......Guess that means that I still have feelings for XH........He emailed me a short message at noon to say the biopsy was negative and his doctor would do another blood test in 6 months.........I was thinking that if we were together we would be out celebrating. Put me in a weird mood.....so I decided that right now I need to make more of an effort to socialize more and went to the online dating site (for people who want to find others to play sports with) where I had posted a profile a few months back. Checked to see if anyone interesting had checked my profile in the last week....and THERE was XH's face and profile (holding MY cat [GAG crossing her eyes]). Apparently he was looking for women with similar interests and found MY profile. Aargh! I'll bet HE was surprised when he saw THAT Sunday night. .......So apparently he's not in a serious R or he wouldn't be trolling (not his style)......I had sent XH a congratulatory email about his biopsy result and he just responded thanking me and addressed me using my online dating nome de plume. .........Whatever.......

Antonia, thank you for posting and thanks for your "atta girl". It seems SO odd that our XHs continue to express caring for us in spite of having other women in their lives. They are SO afraid of looking inside themselves to fix their internal pain, aren't they? They can say these things to us as long as they can keep us at arms length emotionally.

AJ, THANK you for your analysis. I'm an analytical type myself so lists help me problem solve. I agree with you that the polarity has changed somewhat. I posted earlier that Jody said I had come to a T intersection this summer. I'm still trying to figure out how to negotiate the "turn" I'm making. I have been using TT to meet men/have male companionship in a safe environment while having fun (most of these men are M'ed but I suppose they may have single friends) but I'm wondering if I need to actually set up some TT games with folks online. So far, I just put my profile there to get my toes wet. I didn't really care for online "dating" when I did it years ago.

I think what you're doing is absolutely the best approach. You don't know if you can trust him. You don't know if you want to, but that is not a decision you need to make yet.

Thanks for this ^^^^^^^^^^^^. You're right. I needed to hear that.

Nice that you care and nice that you care enough to let him lean on somebody else vs. feeling like you have to fix or support him.

I like your perspective on this. This is a good reminder........... When I first read the biopsy result today I thought to myself "Now XH won't have any reason to face his demons. H'ell just crawl back into that hole of his."..........but I guess that is mind-reading and I am glad for him that he got good news.

Be good to you and figure out what you want. Go from there, right?

Thanks again.........and THANK you for your male perspective.

Beatrice, I follow your posts and always value your wisdom. Thank you for posting to me.

Old friends know that you .....................don't play games,............

I'm wondering if you think that at this stage it's OK to be more honest, in a gentle way, with the MLCer? With DB'ing I have felt all along that when I wasn't honest with XH about events in my life that I was not being genuine........and at times I have had the feeling that he sensed that lack of total honesty.

If he does something mean, which he still does occasionally, I ignore it totally, and leave a little time before I get back to him on anything.

This sounds like you are shaping XH's behavior, the same way you would with a child?? I have found this to work somewhat with XH over the summer too.

I have closure. 80%+ from myself and my actions, and 10% from him being more human. It has helped to have the exchanges, ....

I agree that DB'ing to the point where I have begun to really detach, at least much of the time, has given me a lot of closure, just like you said.

MHL, thank you for posting! Your posts in the past REALLY helped me through a difficult time in my life. With your encouragement I know without a doubt that I did my best in trying to reconnect with my XH.

I am finding more and more that I am not that attracted to (XW) anymore. .................... I have found that there are things that she does now that just sort of turn me off. Nothing major but now that I am fully "over" her, I tend to look at those things more critically.

I am finding this too with XH but in my case it's because he is not the person he was in the past. It is freeing in a way. Because I'm not dating anyone I don't have to wonder if my feelings have been altered by a new R, but those feelings also make me question if ANYONE can stand up to those standards. Guess I'm in the process of "reworking" my standards.

We tend to get into this mode of waiting for our MLC spouses to go back to the way they were before the bomb and they may never return to that person they were before.

Yep. Have been doing these cost vs. benefit analyses over the past 6 months.

His behavior is HIS behavior and you have arrived or are very close to arriving at a place where you can more objectively look at things that you will or will not accept in your life.

Yep, and I TOO worry about this (below)!

Then again we could all just be getting "old and crotchety" and set in our ways.

Glad to hear you are doing well in your new R. You deserve it!

GAG

[dolphin_05]

Hello GAG,

It's been a while but I have been thinking of you and hoping you are fit and well.

Best wishes,

Cas

[dolphin_05]

Sandy, I've been wondering how you are going? Have you checked in lately?