Together since we were 15...Part 3

[rickb89]

You certainly are full of good news...I want to get those kind of text messages too!

[Jenna333]

I'm struggling on and off with anxiety. It's hard to try to come back together after he left me and hurt me to such a degree. Trusting that he won't leave again and that he does mean what he's saying will just come with time and consistency, I suppose. I wish our counseling appointment was sooner than the 21st.

Things are going very well. We're planning on moving in together in maybe a couple of months. He's going to not get his own place. He's going to stay at his mom's to save money, then move into the apartment with the kids and I. We're not going through with legal child support. We're pretty positive we'll be back together for good before long.

It's just so much, so fast, kwim? He had been pondering coming home since a few weeks after he left, and I did see signs of that, but I tried to tell myself that it wasn't going to happen and he just wanted to cake eat. He was confused and didn't want to come back until he was sure things would be different and he truly wanted it.

I just need to take some deep breaths. He IS happy to be with me. He DOES want this. He even talked to me about Valentine's Day. He's always made me truffles every year. He was excitedly talking about what we could get each other that day. We were mostly joking about trading sexual favors He told me he loves me, he loves being with me and talking to me...he said all of this feels so right.

I just need to take deep breaths, let it all sink in, and trust that he means all of it. It's like I know he does, but I'm scared. I don't want to be scared. Fear held me back my entire life. I need to trust that he wants this as much as I do (I think he thinks he wants it more) and that we'll do everything we can to become happy people who when together, only amplify each other's happiness His words.

[MrBond]

My .02.

"I sent him that because he also needs reassurance from me that this is what I want."

YOU aren't the one who needs to give reassurance. HE does. He left and so he knows (even in the back of his mind) that he has a way out. He has to be able to make you feel reassured.

All that talk about how you're amazing, etc. Isn't reassurance. It's riding the wave of emotion which will wear out. I've seen it time and time again and it's de-railed many people's reconciliations.

How has he reassured you? That's the only way to get your anxiety level down. You don't trust him and he needs to figure out how he can earn your trust again.

[Jenna333]

He's reassuring me by agreeing to go to counseling, which is something he never would do before. Also by the way he's talking. I can tell he believes in himself and in me in a way that he never had before.

[rickb89]

Jenna - I think you two will succeed together if you can both allow each other to go within yourselves as needed. Just remember the honeymmon always ends. I don't mean that in a negative way. I mean that euphoria passes and then you need to live by the new foundation the two of you have built. If you have time read The Five Love Languages. Its an easy read but well worth it for both of you to read, and its' not a bad read for a guy either. It's not gay or anything. You may have to tell him that first.

Please go to my thread for today "DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 3) and read the things Mach1 said to me. I think this will help you with your fear, and your desire to not be a slave to it.

[Jenna333]

We took the love languages test a year or two ago, but haven't read the book. I don't remember the wording of it all, but I do know how we show love and feel loved. He shows love by giving gifts and caretaking. He feels loved through affection (physical and verbal) and being taken care of the way he's always enjoyed taking care of me. The way I want to show love has changed. It's not surprising, considering how many changes I've made within myself in the past 8 weeks I find myself wanting to gift give and caretake. Probably because I never reciprocated before, and I want to show him how good it feels.

I had a great conversation with my dad yesterday about my anxiety through this reconciliation process so far. He told me that if I don't take that step (leap!) and trust J to make his own choices, and to make the appropriate and smart ones, I'll never be giving the relationship a chance at all. I'd be dooming it from the start. It's so true. For so long I held on to my fear and anxiety because I felt it protected me from what I knew would end up hurting me. In reality I was only hurting myself and damaging our R by not doing my part. If I knew I was not trusted no matter what I did, I'm not sure it would be great motivation to live up to impossible standards. Now, he never should have lied, and he knows that. I'm only saying that I never took the chance to trust him. I'm going to do it now. It won't come overnight by any means, but I'm starting the process now.

J had the kids last night, like he does every Mon and Tues nights. After I got out of class he texted me to ask how it went. Then he called after I got home. We talked for an hour We chatted about his programming homework and my medical terminology exam. When I told him I had to get to bed, he teased me by pouting about how I must not want to talk to him anymore. It reminded me of when we'd talk all night on the phone together as teens. "No, you hang up first!" LOL.

Taking it slow is fun, but odd sometimes. We're never sure if we should say I love you when parting, but the pause for it is always there and we know we're both thinking it. I know we both fear rushing this. I've gotten close to asking him to just move in with us when the kids and I move in less than 2 weeks. I won't, though.

[Oneeleven]

Ohhh medical terminology exams! I remember when I had my final. I worked in a nightclub at the time. From 9-11 pm when the club was slow, I had my co-bartenders quizz me from cue-cards I made up. I broke it all down to prefix, suffix and combining forms.
I took Veterinary Medical terminology though.

And yes, take it slooooooowww! Do not move in until you've had some sucessful MC!
Let that stuff work for you guys and change the dynamics even more so you are less likely to fall into any old bad habits with one another!

I'm really happy for you guys and while I do admit, I'm a tad jealous, (:S) I am over the moon you two are on the road of a new R~~

[purgatory]

I agree with 111, I wouldn't think about moving in until after that MC appointment. It will force you guys to take it slow if you give yourself a specific date to "check-in" with your status, ie: at the MC appointment.

Don't you love how dad's always seem to have the right thing to say?? It's great they he is supporting you through this challenging stage

It must be fun to feel like teenagers again- not wanting to get off the phone I wouldn't shy away from little things like that- after all, weren't those types of interactions a part of your original courtship? I think we should put ourselves back into a "newbie's" mindset and do the things that connected us in first place. Was there a song that you two called "your song"? Maybe a restaurant that you always associate with each other (or some other location)? Maybe try to recreate your first date for Valentines- I would even go as far as to try and find a similar outfit as the one you wore so that it really takes the two of you back to when your love was just beginning....

Good lord, I'm a sap. Or a hopeless romantic.... maybe I'm just trying to live vicariously through you since my H wants nothing to do with me...

Really happy to see that you are still being aware of the need to take it slow- if you ever forget that, you could rush back into dangerous territory.

[Jenna333]

111- Yeah, I had J quiz me in the car He drove me to school for the first time today. I got a 93 on my exam yesterday.

Pur- We have so many special 'us' things We're both hopeless romantics.

I'm sorry, ladies. I'd be jealous, too Big hugs!

J has been making little comments about a surprise for me for V-Day. He also makes little comments about us doing this or that for next summer, Christmas, etc. It reassures me that he's thinking into the future in that way, and that I'm in it with him as a partner

Excited to go on our date tomorrow night! Sounds like it'll be burritos and teaching me to drive a stick shift in an empty parking lot, lol. We won't be able to get out until around 11, when he's off work and I'm off school.

This afternoon as we were leaving, he dropped a necklace that my grandma gave me when I was a kid. It's a turquoise pendant. J had had it hanging up on his rear view mirror while we were together (it's not girly looking). I asked him to give it back to me a couple of weeks ago. Well, today I handed it back to him and told him he could put it back on his mirror. He was touched and asked me if I was sure. I guess it's symbolic He dropped it and it broke in half. See, the old me would have exploded. I would have told him he was clumsy and freaked because that necklace is special to me. Did I freak today? Nope. He apologized profusely and I smiled and told him it was ok, it can be fixed, just like us He smiled and kissed me.

Cheesy story over!

[rickb89]

Stay centered Jenna. Be open to this great opportunity you have but stay in tough with your own inner journey through this...and keep talking to your Dad!