WHG: Chasing that rabbit with the pocketwatch

[workinghardguy]

Beginning a new thread... I sense after tomorrow I'll need to vent/journal a bit and the last thread was at 91 posts already so that's not going to work... If you're looking for the last thread it's here: WHG's last thread

Here is the last substantive post from my last thread:

Journaling... a good day considering... a lot of "family time" today, isn't that ironic? We celebrated SS's birthday today, even though it's next weekend. I decided to make him a big breakfast this morning so after getting up I asked him what he wanted, then ran to the store, and then whipped up his requests. We all ate breakfast together, W included. After breakfast he opened presents and then we all went bowling.

Bowling was fun. W kept sharing looks at me when the kids did something funny, but we've always done that, except perhaps when things were really bad, dark, and cold in our house. It was hard not to high five her or give her a squeeze when she got a strike or a double or a spare. Kids had a lot of fun.

After bowling was done, W left to go hang with her friends. I called her because we had told SS we would do ice cream after bowling, and we forgot. To her credit she came. She even ended up parking close to us in the ramp and called me so that we could wait up for her. We all walked over to the ice cream shop together, had ice cream, and walked back. Then W went off to hang with her friends and help them prep their new bistro.

I took the kids to my mom's house for cake and so SS could get his presents from my mom. It was about then that tomorrow started to sink in more. It got progressively harder the rest of the day. As we left my mom's house I gave her a hug and she started crying. She's helping tomorrow by keeping S after church and bringing him to the house after we've told SS and SD, so obviously she knows. She's so heartbroken and it's hard as a son to know you've made your mom feel sad.

We got home and we watched a movie until bedtime for S and SD. It all really hit me hard then. I didn't lose it around them, but once I was out of their rooms it came on like a ton of bricks. The last goodnight before things change for them.
Somewhere in here W came home and took a nap.

Came downstairs and played XBox with SS. We're definitely getting better at Black Ops W came downstairs, grabbed her beer, and left for her newly moved in friend's house just down the street. She might be home tonight, she might not. I was surprised that last night she came home and by 1:30. I didn't expect that.

Just now SS went to bed. We put a screen protector on his Kindle together. As we were doing it SS asked me where mom was at. I told him the friend's name. His response... "again? Jeez... she spends more time with her than with us." I really didn't know how to answer that... other than to say this was actually a different friend than the one she usually sees. I mean... what do you say? He's right of course. I felt bad that I couldn't come up with something.

And so tomorrow is almost here. I know I will find a way through it and be strong for my kids. I can't stop my brain from wondering how different our house will feel tomorrow night than it felt tonight. Especially since it really was a good family day... a day with a lot of love, camaraderie, fun, and caring. Not that tomorrow can't have those things, but I have to believe the kids will also have feelings of betrayal, loss, mourning, and grief. But we're heading there come what may.

Tonight is definitely a two Tylenol PM night.

[mr mr]

My thoughts and prayers are with you. My W decided to tell my s10 and d6 without my knowledge or input. I know its not much, but at least you will be able to be there for them and you have had the opportunity to prepare.

[workinghardguy]

Just about to pull into the driveway at the house after coming home from church... So I guess here we go...

[Rick1963]

Hang in there and be strong. Nothing else you can do right now.

[Grmpy_Mnky]

Man, thats' tough. Like Rick said - Hang in there bro!

[purgatory]

((WHG))

Prayers going up for you and your kids.
Be strong for your kids and they will know that you love them and will always look out for them.

You're doing the best you can with what you are up against.

[workinghardguy]

Well... it's been an interesting day. We did tell the kids today. I think today goes down as the third hardest day of my life. First hardest was the day my mom called me at college to tell me my dad had finally passed. Second hardest was the day we buried my dad. And today makes #3, but really it's more like 1, 1a, and 1aa.

It was a bit surreal to start... as I was pulling in the driveway I get a text from my W asking what we should do for lunch for her, SS, SD, and me. Are you kidding me? That's what we're focused on? But... I suppose it's a worthwhile question. I come in the house and we figure out lunch. So with the big questions answered we agree to tell SS and SD in the back room.

We sit down with SS and SD. W and I agree she will take the lead with them since she has the most rapport with them. It goes okay. SD cries and is more emotional than I expected. SS cries too. They ask some questions... those who said you can't predict the questions is right. I tend to have the ability to bring levity to most situations, so I manage to do that but I think keep it appropriate and focused. At one point SD asks if this means she has to get a job... she's 8... poor girl. I give her a hug and tell her no... money is an adult issue and mom and I will figure that out. Afterward I go and get Subway for all of us. We share lunch together and it's actually ok in the house.

Then my mom brings my son home. He's in a great mood having just gone to lunch with grandma. W and I sit him down... I take the lead. I ask him if he can tell me what it means for mommies and daddies to divorce. He says he can't. I ask him again and he says he doesn't remember, but I know he does... I think he just didn't want to go down that road; which I totally get. So I bring up the talk he and I had last weekend when he was asking about it. He tells us it's when a mommy and daddy can't live together anymore, have to live in separate houses, and that it's not the kids' fault. I'm heartbroken and proud all at the same time. And with that as our lead we head in.

We cover what we agreed on... I love mommy and mommy loves daddy but as friends, not husband and wife. W holds my hand with S sitting between us. That mommy love and daddy love for him can never be broken or change. That mommy will live in the basement for now. That at some point mommy will move, etc... At one point W worries that he's zoning us out, off in his own world. I don't think that at all... but I know him better. I ask my S a few recap questions. What is happening? You and mommy are getting a divorce. Is it your fault? No. Is it SS and SD fault? No, it's no one's fault. Where will you live? He points at me and at mommy.

Now with W satisfied that S is engaged I give him the calendar I made up. I took a month and color-coded it so that he could see what days he sees mommy, days he sees daddy, and days he sees us both. Like me, my son is a visual person, and he hits on the calendar. He starts pointing out days and who he'll be with. He starts counting them. He starts counting the days when he sees us both. Again... proud and heartbroken at the same time.

He doesn't really have any questions... but then it's almost like he tested us. He asks if we've told SS and SD? We say yes. He asks to talk to them. They come back to the room and he does a little interrogation of them. Then satisfied that mom and dad told the truth, he is done and asks to go watch the movie that's on. I suspect the questioning of SS and SD was a proxy test for whether mom and dad were truthful about all the other stuff. When it was all done my W thanked me for keeping it together, taking over when she started to lose it with SS/SD, and for being the one to tell S.

Afterwards we play XBox games and sit together while W takes a nap. When she got up we all went swimming and had a lot of fun. SS pushed my W in the pool when we got there and surprised her... it was pretty hilarious. Then I pulled him in when he thought he was getting a high-five... also hilarious. After the pool we went to dinner at Pizza Hut as a family and that went well too.

Kids went to bed without real issues. SS hung with me a lot tonight... he rode to the hotel with me (we took separate cars so W could go shopping after dinner). Rode to dinner with me. And sat at the table with me after SD and S went to bed and we just talked about stuff. That doesn't usually happen, but I just stayed present for whatever he needed from me.

Perhaps the most poignant moment... and hilarious (at least to me) came en route from the hotel to dinner. SD asked to ride with my W because she had some "questions". After we got home and kids were in bed I asked my W if SD was ok. W said yes... that the "questions" SD needed to ask was if my W was going to date guys now. According to my W it went pretty close to this:

SD: Mom, are you going to date guys now?
W: Why do you ask? How would that make you feel if I did?
SD: Well... it's just that now you've left the second husband behind you... I'm just wondering if you really need to go for a third.
W: No... I'm not planning on dating anyone, any time soon.
W: Would it bother you if [me] started dating a woman?
SD: Not really.
W: Why not?
SD: Because he didn't leave you behind.

Yes... I desperately had to control my emotions as my W recounted this story to me. All I could muster was that, "well... I'm sure she's worried about connecting with a new guy and going through this again." My W agreed and we both found it humorous and tragic at the same time.

[mr mr]

Definitely one of the hardest things to do. Just remember that with time healing will come for the kids as well. [censored] that you have to do this!

[2thepoint]

WHG - I really feel for you. I agree this is one of THE most difficult things to have to do, (i.e. subject your children to unnecessary pain and suffering).

"Kids went to bed without real issues. SS hung with me a lot tonight... he rode to the hotel with me (we took separate cars so W could go shopping after dinner). Rode to dinner with me. And sat at the table with me after SD and S went to bed and we just talked about stuff. That doesn't usually happen, but I just stayed present for whatever he needed from me."

As I may have mentioned in a previous post to you, your kids are going to draw closer to you. Do your best to be there for them, all of them.

"SD: Mom, are you going to date guys now?
W: Why do you ask? How would that make you feel if I did?
SD: Well... it's just that now you've left the second husband behind you... I'm just wondering if you really need to go for a third.
W: No... I'm not planning on dating anyone, any time soon.
W: Would it bother you if [me] started dating a woman?
SD: Not really.
W: Why not?
SD: Because he didn't leave you behind."

Man , from the mouth of babes!! I mean, really!

So, now it will be interesting to see how things start to work out with your W moving to the basement. I really think she needs that space in order to get her thoughts and feelings together.

So, good luck and hang in there, WHG. We're all pulling for you. Really!

[workinghardguy]

Thanks 2TP...

Man , from the mouth of babes!! I mean, really!

Tell me about it. One of my greatest fears has been that SD and SS would see this whole things as me walking away from them.

I feel 100% freer this morning than I have in many, many weeks. Last night my W spent the first night in the basement, and it didn't go great for her. She's terrified of spiders and she says she woke up frequently, convinced they were going to crawl in bed with her because she's warm. The air mattresses she was using apparently has a slow leak and deflated twice on her during the night. And we didn't realize that our old cat must have urinated on it at some point so despite a lot of Febreze it's still a bit stinky. W was pretty tired and grumpy this morning... but I slept really well

My W snores when she's sick or drinks, so lately she's been snoring everynight. I've been hesitant to reach out and touch her lest she thinks I'm "getting fresh" or something. But I slept pretty hard all night even without medication.

I believe DBing will be easier now. This morning we had some brief interactions about the kids. She did mention that last night her XH and her had a fight. She told him about the divorce. He wants her to move the kids to a town halfway between him and me. That he would be willing to watch SS and SD on the nights that my W has to work. Though when asked if we would watch all three kids the answer was no. Apparently they fought about child support too.

I did email the kids' teachers this morning as well. The letter was greatly reduced from the draft posted on here, thanks to all the feedback. It pretty much just said we were divorcing, we appreciate all the teachers do, the kids are staying in their schools, and if they have concerns to contact us.

Today is the first day I'm at work early in a long time. I feel like I have my mojo coming back. I didn't slink in, hide in my office, and wallow. I feel pretty good. As much as I wish we didn't have to tell the kids or do this to them... what's done is done now, and we'll just have to keep moving. Change is the only constant in life.