Together since we were 15...Part 3

[Hopeful321]

Purg--

My H made it clear when he walked out that he was done. Almost 7 months later, we are trying to work things out.

Have faith.

I live in florida. We should get together and paint the town.

[Hopeful321]

Jenna--

I am very proud of you. Keep up the good work.

[purgatory]

(jenna sorry for the hijack)
Hope- thanks for the "hope" ( you live up to your name!) In 4 months he will be in AFG, so I have to hope that DB efforts make an impression before he leaves.

I'm going to be in Orlando/Sebring area for super bowl weekend, then Pensacola at my parents. I'm up for a good time since I will be without H and kids

[Hopeful321]

I am an hour away from Orlando on the east coast. And I will be without my D.

[Jenna333]

(((Pur))) I'm reading through your update. I am so proud of you!

Well, I have a whopper of an update! I need advice! And quick. He'll be back here in a little over an hour.

Yesterday afternoon when he came to pick up S after he got out of class, he ended up helping me with a few things around the house. I move in a couple of weeks and we're in the process of fixing up the house. After a while, I walked away from him and told him it made me feel a bit uncomfortable to be chatting with him and to be so close to him. This struck him, and he followed me to the couch to talk with me. I explained that his presence doesn't make me uncomfortable (quite the opposite, actually), but that the dynamic between us shouldn't be so relaxed, and that there should be a wall up in between us. We talked for a while, he made some food for himself (my idea, because I knew if he left it would be a mistake...I just knew we needed this talk) and I put on P.S. I Love You. We watched it together for a while and eventually held hands. I looked over at him and he was tearing up. He leaned over and tried to kiss me a couple of times, and I turned away. He told me it seems like I'm already moving on, and that that scares him because he knows we could be so great together. We talked about the changes we're making/need to make and how different things could really be between us. I had it in my head that I would NOT ML to him anymore. Oy. I threw it out the window. We were just talking and at one point he told me he was so sorry I had to put up with his lies for so long and that he ruined so much of our relationship. Emotions just overcame me. To hear him take responsibility for his own actions and not blame me for them, and not only to hear it, but to know that he believes it. I grabbed him and kissed him...and we ML. It was extremely emotional...but in a way it really felt like a goodbye to me. I felt like I would be ok if he were to never come back. I told him it felt like a goodbye, and he started all out bawling. He told me he loves me and knows we need time for our changes to take hold, but that we really could be amazing together. He even told me he's starting to feel that he could absolutely see himself marrying me. That is ENORMOUS for him. I had to leave for class and they had to meet his mom at Olive Garden for dinner, so we didn't have a chance to talk afterward.

I texted him when I got to school. I asked him if he was ok. That was the first time I've texted him not regarding official business since he left. He started texting me once in a while last week. This is part of our convo:

M: Are you ok?
J: Yeah I guess. Why are you asking, though?
M: Because I care about you, goof!
J: Well Jenna thanks. It makes me happy to know that even after all my BS you still care, albeit les than before but still, it's something.
M: I'll always care about you.
J: And I'll always care about you

And then I took a chance. I invited him on a date with me last night. I don't know what my thought processes were. I guess I just felt like we were both feeling and saying the right things...I just wanted to push it to the next level. I know I'm the LBS and that I probably should have waited for him to make that move, but my pursuing him is a 180 for me when it comes to the dynamic in our relationship, so it makes sense to me. He accepted! We met at my house after I got off from school. He was so lovey with me. It was so obvious how excited he was to be taking me out I honestly wanted to show him how changed I am when it comes to being out in public. I have been socially awkward my entire life...to the point where I would make our date nights miserable because I would complain about the drinks, the company, etc. I was a giant drag. I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me, and that weight was fear. I guess I just wanted to show him how another aspect of our lives together could be like if we were to get back together.

We had an absolute blast! Not much was going on on a Tuesday night, so we went to a casino and sat at a bar, drank, gambled a little, made out, and talked and laughed for a couple of hours. I was bordering on drunk. I never get drunk! I'm not obnoxious or anything when I drink, so that's a plus He always wanted us to be able to drink together, but I would always find something to complain about. He was very pleasantly surprised at how last night went. At one point he said he is loving getting to know me again, and I told him I feel the same way about him. We ended up picking up the kids and putting them in their own beds at my house, and he stayed the night. We ML again, and cuddled together all night. This morning he told me even more than ML to me he loves cuddling me and just being close to me.

So...we have done a ton of talking since yesterday! It's hard to remember everything now. This morning we talked a little about where we are right now and what we think is going to happen. Oh! Last night he said he's leaning much more toward yes than no when it comes to us getting back together. Back to this morning (sorry, my mind is all jumbled up this morning). He asked me how I'd feel about us dating each other and getting to know each other again. I brought up how I don't feel it would really work unless we were exclusive. I asked him if he could handle going out with me and then me going out with someone else. He admitted that no, he couldn't. He knows that I'm going out with my BFF this Friday night and I mentioned wanting to 'let loose' and how even that affected him. We fell back to sleep for a while, and then right as he was getting ready to leave for class, he brought up where we are again. I asked him how he felt about us taking this slow and getting to know each other again. He asked how I feel about us not seeing other people. I said I would be willing to date him if we decided not to involve other people. He said, "I'm not really worried about other people right now." I know he's having a hard time letting go of the fantasy of someone new, but he does not want to lose me, and he's starting to see that it's not worth it to drop me for the possibility of something new. What we have is so real and so wonderful.

So, he's going to come back here after class and we're going to discuss where we are. I'm trying not to get my hopes up! It really sounds like he was leaning towards saying we should start dating each other and getting to know each other again. He cuddled me and said, "I really want to get to know you. I had such an amazing time with you last night." He's so happy that I've broken free of the chains I put on myself and kept there for so long. It's like I'm blossoming before his eyes

Any advice? I'm trying to have no expectations. I'm worrying that he will come here and say he thought about it and feels we're rushing things by deciding to cut out other people and that we should work on ourselves separately...all of the things he's been saying for a while now.

[Jenna333]

He just called. He asked if I have garlic here. When I asked why, he said you'll see Aww, he's going to cook for me.

[MrBond]

Play it cool. I know it all sounds great and wonderful, but he has to feel like he has to make himself worthy of you. Not the other way around.

There are alot of false starts to reconciliation because of the high of all the emotions. Once those start to fade and the "real" relationship takes hold, that's where the real work begins.

[Jenna333]

If he decides that rebuilding us is more important than seeing other people, we will be taking it slow, for sure. And we'd get into counseling.

[MrBond]

Good. Make sure you don't forget that. Good luck! Sounds very promising.

[nhmom]

Wow, Jenna! That is a lot to process all at once! I really hope that he is genuine about what he says to you, but I can't help but smile for you!