And I almost forgot - sorry about the BIL. I hate receiving those kinds of news.
Just makes me appreciate even more my health, my family and my time with my kids.
Have a great weekend.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Maybe you're W's odd behaviour had something to do with the news of BIL. Sure, it would be nice to think it was because she was missing you... and also, her being happy at the computer probably had nothing to do with you, either... just sayin'...
Are you still in LRT mode?
Have you considered any 180s recently? If you stay status quo, the sitch will stay status quo...
Hey KD still in LTR mode going on 3 months. I have done many 180 s thinking of some more but can't think of many. I know in the past when W would tell me something that I thought was wague I would go into full interrogation mode. I still struggle with it internally but have stopped completely. When she told me about BIL I would have asked tons of questions instead I said I was sorry to hear that and went about my business. Part of the problem is my work but have shut it down in personal life.
Went church and the young guy sat next to me again. After service we talked for half hour. He wanted to buy me breakfast since I did last time but I had other plans. TBH I did not feel like listening to his problems today. Hope it does not sound cold. I did talked to him again about DBing but he has not bought into it. I have offered him my book directed him To the boards but he is not interest. He TM his W last week breaking the restraining order and was threatened with incarceration. I was a bit direct and told him he did not look attractive, looks depressed and disheveled. Gave me a blank stare and said that he knew.
I think I needed some alone time today at the bay typing and enjoying the ocean
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
it's interesting to read a series of posts after being gone for a few days. every time i read about someone who is able to change their response pattern in situations i am honestly impressed. even in situations where it seems trivial or unimportant. this is really where the rubber meets the road as they say - and reflects your successful retraining of yourself. and even though it isn't always apparent, it keeps influencing the nature of your relationship - away from the status quo and onto something different.
it's also interesting that it turns out all of those calls to family may have been about BIL's situation (of which we all want the best).
let's pretend i am a genie in a bottle and can grant you three wishes. what would they be?
I would ask for things that I have no control of. After all, aren't genies supposed to grant anything?
1) I'll agree with Rick. I'd like to first go back to the beginning of my marriage with the awareness and insight I now have.
2) To turn on the light bulb within my mom, so she could also start her own journey towards healing and recovery.
3)To let me live long enough to see my own kids well on their way in their own lives.
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Glad I did, although you are probably going to want to put your walking shoes back on...
After reading your last post, I honestly don't see a very different person than who was posting in August. (Yes, I went back to your first thread).
1. You want your W to be who she was 5 or 6 years ago.
How much has she really changed? Other than finally having enough backbone to not put up with your abusive behavior anymore?
To finally do what you repeatedly asked her to do?
2. A time machine to change your responses...
Hard if you don't really understand what caused those responses in the first place and please don't tell me it was her behavior...
There is/was something inside of you that made it ok with you to allow yourself to respond very badly when you were angry.
Those responses, as recently as last summer, are what has gotten you here.
How has that changed now, other than you not allowing it? Do you still have the instinct to respond badly?
Are you just responding differently because you got the result that you asked for but didn't really want and are feeling guilty?
Or have you really changed the behavior?
3. Stopping fears about the future.
What fears? How can you stop them if you can't even define them?
And what does that say about controlling tendencies?
Rick,
Nothing is set in stone, nothing you can do is going to make the past different than it was and nothing you do is going to make the future so secure that there is nothing to be afraid of.
Those are cold hard facts of life.
So let's try it again.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
