Together since we were 15...Part 3

[Jenna333]

I know. It's easy to check the boards on my phone. Lately it feels like it's eating at me because he has pretty much said he wants to be with me, but needs to do growing of his own first. It's so much to take in. And I probably shouldn't believe anything he says

School is going great! It almost feels like a sanctuary for me there.

[purgatory]

You've been in such a strong state of mind, don't let his actions start to make you get shaky again. If you can stay detached, you won't question everything so much (I seem to recall you giving me similar advice not too long ago)

I am totally guilty of over thinking all of H's words and actions.... And it's like my own mental prison.

Get some more of that yummy ice cream, find a good movie and be happy abou the woman you're becoming! That's the woman that has him all tangled up inside!!

[greenblue90]

The mental prison is what I meant.

Try to break free.

Even if it means only checking the forums once or twice.

[Jenna333]

The conversations with him need to stop. I don't know why we keep torturing ourselves by taking advantage of our natural chemistry and feelings. It is not helping us right now. Well, it's not helping me. He said it's putting things into perspective for him, and it tells him a lot that he's missing me so much. He told me he almost texted me the other night when I'd be driving by his work after getting out of school.

At one point I broke down and started crying. I told him firmly that this is messing with my head because it's obvious that he loves me and misses me, but he seems torn between me and the idea of someone new. He said, "No, it's more that I'm torn between the ideas of being with you and being without you." He said he has a lot of growing to do, and he can't wait until he's done the majority of the growing. He said he hopes we both come to the conclusion that we can work things out. He seems to be focusing all on himself and his growing and his issues rather than mine lately. He would always find a way to blame me for everything for over a month after he left. Lately, though, whenever he talks about changes and blame, he is only talking about himself. He said honesty is his biggest one, and that he has no other option than to tell the truth, because lying strips the person he's lying to of their rights, and I told him that it also does an injustice to himself by wearing down his integrity. He's also working on letting go a lot of the very negative aspects of his childhood.

He told me I look like a goddess. I've just started dressing more womanly since he left. Before I would honestly stay in my pajamas all day if I had nowhere to go, which usually I'd only have to drop D off at school and then I'd stay home all day with S. Now I get dressed every day. Not only that, I like to look nice. Today I'm wearing leggings with a knit cowl neck fitted top with a belt around the waist, and my tall boots. I feel better knowing that I look nice every day.

Since I made him aware that the long exchanges between us only make it harder on me after he's gone, he said he'll make sure they are 'short and sweet' now. I know it's not all his fault. I could easily walk in the house and say see ya later. It's SO hard to do that, though, when all I want to do is to stand around and talk to him I need to keep in mind at all times how much it hurts later on.

[Jenna333]

He probably shouldn't be making such comments about my appearance, huh? It is a dramatic change from when we were together, though. Even if he didn't verbally say anything, his staring says it all for him, LOL. It does get on my nerves in a way, though. I told him, "This would probably be easier for you if you didn't like the way that I look so much." He said, "No, I've always thought you were gorgeous. I see YOU as a person when I look at you." I probably shouldn't have said it, but I said, "You weren't sad to leave me." He said he was, but he was just so fed up and numb. I was fed up, too, but of course I wasn't in the right frame of mind to focus on that at the time.

He brought up a bunch of good memories from our time together. When Lili was a baby and we'd go to the park, put down a blanket, bring a picnic and read books together. When we'd get the big tubs of popcorn from Blockbuster and watch movies together. He teared up while saying that he could always bring up any topic with me and I would 'get it' and would never make him feel bad/weird for bringing it up (he can be quite random).

I do see the beginnings of change in him. He isn't convincing himself that all of our good times were tainted anymore.

I just need to DETACH and not focus on it. It's incredibly hard.

Well, I just made myself some popcorn (yeah, had it on the mind after he brought it up) and I'm going to go do homework/study and put The Time Machine on

[purgatory]

It's going to be harder to detach now that he's saying all the right things.... But it's more important that you detach now! You already know this, I'm just reaffirming it

He's very confused right now, which means that you need to be more focused than ever- if both of you start giving into confusion... Who knows what will happen.

I'm super proud of you for not walking down (too far) memory lane with him, he still needs to know that you are moving on... Even though I can imagine how many emotions came flooding back for you hearing him reminisce.... I would give anything to hear good memories from my H.

Times like these, I really wish we were all closer together so we could escape for a moment and GAL together

[Jenna333]

I am losing the mystery. I find myself to be too chatty around him since he told me he is starting to lean towards us being together again when we're ready.

The mystery is GOOD. I can see him now getting comfortable with our current dynamic again. He got comfortable before when I'd allow him to stomp all over the boundaries and would sleep with him every couple of weeks. Then I shocked him into reality when I refused to answer his pruning questions about my personal life and he started seeing that he WILL lose me if he doesn't get to work on himself. Now when he sees me, he's sure to tell me that he's changing for himself, which means they'll be real changes.

But we're talking too much. Flirting too much. I don't want to settle back into that dynamic again. He snapped out of it a bit when I stopped chatting and flirting. I'm not helping anyone or anything by giving in to what feels natural. Begging and pleading felt natural, after all, and they were the wrong things to be doing.

[Jenna333]

Probing questions, not pruning. Thank you autocorrect

[rickb89]

Jenna - you're doing the right things and I think you are both going in the right direction as individuals and as a M. However, and I say this because I'm living it too, is that its harder to detach when you start the process of rebuilding. It's so hard to not just cave into the immedite good feeling. Unfortunately the burden is on you to control how much you need to detach for his own and your own good vs keeping the road open for him to come back.

It's a shitload to handle at your age and as a Mom with two kids. I think you're doing really well and respect you for it. You can do this the right way...you're strong.

[Jenna333]

Thanks Rick. I wouldn't even consider this rebuilding since we're still open to see others

I'm feeling stronger and like I can detach again and not chat/flirt with him. I did a good job of it today He noticed. He sent me a text after we switch off the kids and I got back on the road to drive to school. He said "Have fun at school." Remember, he had not sent me ANY texts not regarding official business until a few days ago. Baby steps. He's started changing once he realized that I'm not going to give him back his cake!