Together since we were 15...Part 3

[MrBond]

"He also said the 3am call was a total accident, and he canceled it when he realized he tapped on my name instead of his buddy's. That would explain why it only rang once or twice. Kinda bummed me out to hear that. I was hoping that he was missing me and called because of that. Oh well. "

Don't think about things like this. Although I can tell you he probably called you on purpose and hung up.

Keep doing what you're doing. You notice he's still blaming you and the marriage for HIS issues? Don't take anything he says seriously unless he actually apologizes and takes responsibility for his actions. His idea of "growth" is BS. It's called maturity. You take responsibility for your own actions and everything that happens as a result of them.

The fact that he says he wants to see what's out there shows he doesn't respect your feelings. It's all about him. It's not until he actually says that he will do the work that things will change. He's not willing to do the work.

Continue to look and smell hot around him. Go out and do things for yourself.

[purgatory]

I can tell how confused you are by his new words/actions.... made me think of something that I read in DR the other night- and I copied it down because I wanted to remember it for my own sitch Now, even though your 'h' isn't the age to be considered having a MLC, I think it applies to y'all because you were so young when 'adult life' started.... in a way, he's reached the same level of anxiety other men reach in their 30's and 40's.

From DR: Limbo Land Chapter

"If your H decides to come home, although you'll be relieved, you'll also be flooded with many other intense emotions.... you will need to change, but your h will need to change too. He'll need to show that he wants to invest his heart into your relationship. He needs to show empathy for what you've been through all these months. But these will not happen immediately, you need to continue to remain patient. .... If your H had an affair, and decided to end it... he will probably be feeling a sense of with drawl just as if someone were giving up a drug. He might feel sad, depressed or irritable.... he will come out of this funk if you give him 'permission' to feel this way..."

This part made me think about your 'h'.... not exactly what he's doing- but the essence. Here me out: Your 'h' made a decision to leave- for whatever reason he wants to say or justify, but the fact remains- he left. He shut down those emotions to you (well,yours at least he tried to convince himself that he did), so to have those emotions come flooding back is very confusing. If he's anything like most guys (no offense to those on this board :)) they don't like to admit when they've made mistakes, and therefore fight really hard to stick to their choices. Your h is fighting his earlier choice, with wanting to take it back. The other thing this excerpt made me think about is this: although you haven't confirmed that there was an affair or OW, at least in his mind- he was thinking about finding one. He opened himself up to the idea that someone else could be out there for him (just like an affair). So he has to also battle the 'loss' of that 'fantasy affair' if he chooses to come back to you... this seems like where his crying, confusion, and erratic behavior comes from. I think your h is at the bottom of his fall, and he's questioning not only his original choice, but also choosing to give up the 'fantasy affair'.

Probably more that you wanted, but that's what I thought about when I read what he's been doing. As far as him wanting you to be preggo- that makes his decision easy, it's no brainer.... BUT if he chooses to come back for his own reasons- he knows that there is A LOT of hard work for him to do, and that's scary for him. Being preggo let's him be lazy.

Even though all of it- Im sooooo proud of you for sticking to your guns and keeping your boundaries in tact! It's good that you can still cry, you should always let yourself feel your emotions because they will process faster, as opposed to if you try to keep them inside.

The fact that he is so torn is a direct reflection on all the efforts you've done. I think you have the potential to be one of the LBS who decided that *they* don't want the WAS back because they've discovered a new self who is better off without the WAS. I know that for the sake of you kids, you won't make such an important decision without giving it a lot of thought.

Always thinking about you!! I had a passing thought today: wouldn't it be great if we could do a DB cruise?! All of us on here get together for a weekend getaway!!

[rickb89]

Jenna - I had lost your thread and now just found it again. It's been a few weeks since I last read and you have come so far! Good for you. Despite the pain you really have it together...that's great.

[Jenna333]

Guys, thanks for taking the time to respond!

MB- The more time that passes by, the more he starts taking responsibility for his choices and actions. He recognizes that he has a lot of growing to do. I hope he starts taking steps towards growth, mostly for his own sake. As for your last sentence, he could not take his eyes off of me today. He took my wrist and sniffed it and said I smell amazing (lemon essential oil).

Pur- OMG, I could just kiss you right now! That loss of fantasy is exactly what is happening here, I'm convinced! I could not figure out how to phrase it. That's it. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. I hope he will come to realize that fantasy is never as good as reality, and I'm as real as it gets! He KNOWS he could be happy with me now, and that makes him feel worse in a way because he still longs for the fantasy of someone else. I'm sure it's because he's just never had an R (not even a very short, non-serious one) with ANYONE else. Ever. Not even a silly 1-week-long 'relationship' in high school. I'm it. Now, he did have a short fling (slept with her twice) 4 months after I left him back at the end of '06, but he had zero feelings for her. It wasn't an R at all.

Rick- Thanks for stopping by!

We met at Burger King this morning to fill out the joint custody/visitation agreement. We were there for over 3 hours! That was a huge stack of paperwork. He was entranced by me the whole time. I caught him staring at me at least a dozen times. Every time I smiled, laughed, or cracked a joke he would smile, sigh, and I swear I could see those animated hearts floating above his head! He looks like a lovestruck teenager around me, and acts like one. I love it, and I HATE it at the same time It's so confusing for me. Hurtful that he wants some fantasy so much. At least now he fully realizes what he'll be losing if he doesn't choose me.

Ahh, anyway, of course he brought up the R. He always says he won't, but does anyway. I can understand this time, considering we were filling out the first papers that solidify the choice he made. We weren't married (though we were in a long term relationship for almost 9 years, which is longer than a lot of marriages last, especially for people our age), so there haven't been separation or divorce papers. Do you want to know what he asked me?! He tried to make it sound hypothetical, but his voice cracked while he asked. He asked if all of this can be stopped if the couple decides to reconcile. I said yes, for sure it can be! It was hard for both of us to figure out who is going to have the kids for what holiday. The only time I teared up throughout the whole 3+ hours was when I told him we'd alternate for Halloween (we're alternating for almost every holiday). I said I couldn't imagine not taking my kids trick-or-treating. Want to know what he did? He teared up and wrote on the paper that I would get them every single Halloween. He agreed to let me have the kids every Thanksgiving night. That's the big one in my family. He expressed sadness that he won't be having Thanksgiving with my grandparents anymore. But every time he says something like that, I get the feeling that he doesn't feel we may still be in this situation by then. Who knows. He misses my grandparents terribly. My grams is pretty upset with him. My papa isn't, but J said he doesn't feel ready to face them yet.

He told me he's been going through our text messages from before he left. I sent him a topless photo of me less than a month before the bomb drop I grabbed his phone and playfully said I was going to delete it. He got serious and said please don't delete it. I told him he can look at all of the boobs he wants now, why the desire to look at mine? He just stared at me. Oy! He tried to play footsie with me and I'd move my feet and eventually asked him to stop. He tried brushing up against me and tried to 'fix' my hair, etc. I moved away each time. He teared up a few times and said he wishes we could go back and fix us so this wouldn't be happening. He said he's so sorry I felt so depressed and alone, and he wishes he would have gotten me the help that I asked for. Another HUGE 180 for him! I think he's finally starting to face reality and start the growing process. He told me that our conversation yesterday really helped him. He said he's letting go of what he cannot control, and he's going to focus on what he can control (himself). He has repeatedly said that he knows this had to happen in order for me to find myself. Perhaps he's right. Maybe I could have snapped out of the codependency with counseling. We'll never know now.

We had to come to my house after Burger King (and after picking up D from school) because I needed the kids' SSNs. He isn't to come into the house anymore, but he did come in to use the restroom. He only stayed a few minutes while we finished the paperwork. He lingered at the door when it was time for him to leave, just staring at me and tearing up. I blurted out "You are so in love with me still." He said, "It's pretty pitiful, isn't it?" He called me a couple of minutes after he left and asked me why I said that. I told him that it's frustrating to have 2 people who are in love with each other that aren't together. He quietly agreed and in a choked up voice told me to have a good night and that he'd see me tomorrow morning at 9am when he comes to get the kids for the day.

[MrBond]

"The more time that passes by, the more he starts taking responsibility for his choices and actions."

Unless he actually seeks help or tries to figure out how to set things right rather than running away he is not taking responsibility. Taking responsibility is taking action.

"He took my wrist and sniffed it and said I smell amazing (lemon essential oil)."

Kind of weird.

IMHO, I would suggest to him that you deserve much more and that you totally agree with the breakup and that he does have alot to grow. And that you are not going to wait for him since he has shown no sign of actually doing so. Try being a little less 'nice' and throw in some attitude.

The thing is that you want him to want to do the work to make things better. But regardless of that, you keep getting yourself strong.

[Jenna333]

LOL! I was smelling my own wrist first because I caught a whiff of it when fixing my hair and just absolutely love the smell of lemon. He was curious and wanted to smell. He didn't just grab it out of nowhere. That would be kind of weird.

As for what you said I should say, that's pretty much what I said yesterday in the car I agreed with him when he said this needed to happen. He said in so many different ways that I deserve better than what he could give me right now. My 'attitude' about all of it is what had/has him freaked out about truly losing me and I believe is what has kick-started what seems to be the start of his growing period.

I feel pretty strong I'm GAL this weekend while he has the kids (they'll be staying the nights with me, as always, because he works until midnight usually). Well, I'll be studying most of Sunday, but I'm taking my BFF to lunch tomorrow for her birthday.

[MrBond]

Great job! Then I would also add the idea that you AND the kids deserve better. If he thinks you being with another guy is bad, the idea that another guy is going to be playing with his kids is going to drive him through the roof.

[Jenna333]

He just texted me a horrible picture of me that my S took today. He had his dad's phone and was giggling away, snapping pictures of us filling out the joint custody agreement. He must have taken a hundred pictures. J sent it to me and said "I thought you'd want that lol."

That's the first time he's texted me not on official business since he left.

[greenblue90]

I swear sometimes he sounds like he is the LBS, and you're the WAW.

Keep it up.

[Jenna333]

GB- That same thought has passed through my mind a few times lately. It is starting to feel that way. The stronger I get, the more I realize that I deserve better, and he knows it and wants to BE better. We'll just have to see what happens.

He'll be here to get the kids in a little over an hour.