In 1930s Italy, a carefree Jewish book keeper named Guido starts a fairy tale life by courting and marrying a lovely woman from a nearby city. Guido and his wife have a son and live happily together until the occupation of Italy by German forces. In an attempt to hold his family together and help his son survive the horrors of a Jewish Concentration Camp, Guido imagines that the Holocaust is a game and that the grand prize for winning is a tank. The Oscar winning movie "Life is Beautiful" portrayed a man who endured the Concentration Camp for his family. Being happy in marriage is a lot about attitude (in the absence of drugs, physical abuse and adultery). Unhappy people are unhappy before marriage, during marriage, and post-divorce. Don't let the tail wag the dog (divorce). Stay married, be happy (it is possible even if you are the only one trying).
I saw this^^^^posted of DB FB thought it was well put.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Rick, Sounds like you are getting good advice here. Don't really have much to add, accept that I still often think about how in june of last year, my wife picked me up at the airport on june 19th, we went out and bought a new couch for our new place. On june 20th, I left for work that morning, kissed my w goodbye, told her I love her, she told me she loved me. Called her at work that day, ended the conversation with "love you" as I always did, she said the same thing to me. Later on that day, we were out jogging together, we finished up, she came up to me and said " I can't do this anymore" Talk about shock. Guess we all have our own stories, I am still shaking my head!!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
very interesting report on W. here is a so called "truism" on relationships: "if you change, she can't not change - it's literally impossible". it could be your taking initiative and doing new things has rubbed off on your W. either way, i see it as only a positive that you are both doing new things. i hope you keep it up. keep her and yourself confused!
i know it's very hard to avoid the parlor game of what W's family phone calls mean. as MWD (michelle weiner-davis) says in one of her books, it's so easy to speculate and be wrong. and sometimes those speculations infuse your interactions in a counter-productive way.
what does help is to look at what you can observe first hand, and that is why interactions with W are so useful to talk about here, especially atypical interactions, even more especially atypical interactions that start showing a trend.
shuffle, turn-over, ventilate, experiment, hone in on some of those things that really feel right. that's what you are doing so it must be part of who you are.
Thanks oys2 Yesterday I drove D to school and we discussed dinner. W had arranged for me to heat up chicken breast but decided on something else. Baked salmon and swordfish with linguini and white clam sauce. D liked the idea. W came home and barely said hi. She served us dinner and D sat to it with us. Noticed that every time it is my night to cook and I discuss the menu with D she eats with us. I like that very much. I noticed that W is a bit cold towards my D also. But I dodn't know if she is that way when I am not around?
This morning on my way to work she wished me a good day?
W got a letter from her L last night but she had not opened it when I left this morning. I received a copy from my L as to the discovery that was sent to her L. This thing is moving pretty fast.
Have dentist appointment this afternoon so I should be home early. Will have to play some serious MW3 to get my head out of the fog.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Had a talk with the WAW at work. She found out that her H got a ticket while he was driving her car. So she was really pissed.They 1st separated in April for 4 months and they have been separated now since October. During this last S she told me she was done with him, couldn't wait to start dating and was seen with a male on her birthday just 2 weeks ago. Today she tells me "if he showed me some thing, just a change that he will be mature, I would think about it. Yeah I also read a couple of pages online of that book (DR). I would reconsider I do miss him. But I can not go back to the old ways. It would take months of MC".
Guess people due change? When this started she was dead set on a D.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Had a talk with the WAW at work. She found out that her H got a ticket while he was driving her car. So she was really pissed.They 1st separated in April for 4 months and they have been separated now since October. During this last S she told me she was done with him, couldn't wait to start dating and was seen with a male on her birthday just 2 weeks ago. Today she tells me "if he showed me some thing, just a change that he will be mature, I would think about it. Yeah I also read a couple of pages online of that book (DR). I would reconsider I do miss him. But I can not go back to the old ways. It would take months of MC".
Guess people due change? When this started she was dead set on a D.
Yeah Rick, I do think it is hard to erase years of shared history. Unless there were years of abuse as opposed to the marriage simply having gone stale, it would seem that there would be an opportunity to restore the M as long as both parties were willing to correct the behaviors that led them to where they are now.
BTW - I meant to comment about something you wrote in one of your pasts a few days ago about the church service you attended last Sunday. The topic at my church was exactly the same as yours, temptation.
I wonder if as a new year starts and people commit to making changes in their lives, if the church recognizes this as ripe terrain for satan to tempt us into changes that could lead to poor decisions, (i.e. infidelity, divorce, etc.).
Anyway, it was a good sermon and a good reminder that satan is always trying to get a hook into our souls.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Rick, it sounds like you get a good perspective from the other side from the WAW at work. I think that helps prove that one person can get the change in the relationship started.
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
BTW - I meant to comment about something you wrote in one of your pasts a few days ago about the church service you attended last Sunday. The topic at my church was exactly the same as yours, temptation.
I found this interesting. Guess what we're discussing at my Men's group at church? Yep. Temptation. We've been discussing dealing with lonliness at my Tuesday night group - and lonliness can also lead to temptation.
Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
Anyway, it was a good sermon and a good reminder that satan is always trying to get a hook into our souls.
Got an email from L that W submitted her paperwork. Came home early and W was at her pc working and seemed super happy. Feeling a little down right now. But I trully am preparing my brain and heart for singlehood what else can I do
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
you got a very valuable perspective from a WAW today. and there is a whole lot of valuable info in it. one of these days i'll learn to imbed text quotes from other posters here, but for now i'll use old-fashioned reference (if there's any other posters that are good with directions, i'll gladly learn this trick!)
first, you get the "behind the curtains" view that your own W will not share with you at this point, namely that of uncertainty and residual feelings of attachment. i would say this is the true state with many WAWs - although i don't claim all. secondly, and equally importantly, it tells you how important the long-term outlook is. the key thing many WAWs (or WAHs) are looking for is sustainable, long-term change. which is great, because that's the kind we all want for ourselves, too.
today's observation of W may be correct. perhaps she is in a good mood because she feels like she has had the gumption to go through with her plan. and perhaps, at this point, that grass outside the marriage is looking very green. and perhaps it will be. or perhaps it won't be so much. time will tell.
but here is what i don't think your W realizes. human sexual/romantic relationships create a form of attachment that is very hard to extinguish. there are always times in the life cycle of the relationship where frustration with partner seems to override this. and, indeed, sometimes on a permanent basis. yet, whatever this biological thing is that creates attachment, it doesn't really care about the legal status of your relationship! in our heads, in our thinking, we care and make much of it - and i'm not saying we should not. but i am saying that this residual or latent attachment does not necessarily die with the issuance of the divorce decree. and that's probably exactly why your WAW at work would be "re-attracted" to her partner if she had reason to believe in sustainable change.
i cannot and would not say to any one person that this will happen. nor is it my job in any way to steer you away from your own expectations and way you need to manage and survive your situation. sometimes "letting go" or detaching not only helps you protect yourself, but it can also provide a constructive sea change in the energy in a relationship - when it's real. i can, though, talk about something i have experienced myself and observed many times in other people - this tendency for attachment feelings to have a life of their own.
the beauty of a great GAL strategy, though, is you truly win either way. and in that sense, you are winning.
Yep. Temptation. 
We've been discussing dealing with lonliness at my Tuesday night group - and lonliness can also lead to temptation.