Too little, Too late.

[purgatory]

As my name implies, I'm stuck in the middle. My H of 7 years (9 years together) has decided that 'he's not attracted to me anymore' and 'doesn't feel "that way" about me'... here's a brief overview of my situation:
The first 2 years of our marriage was overshadowed by the birth of my first son and suffering from severe post-pardum depression (it went undiagnosed for 18 months). Unfortunately, the side-effect of this were devastating to my H and our M. I was mean, yelling all the time. He didn't want to come home because he said he never knew what 'personality' would be waiting for him. I was finally able to get medication and start to feel 'normal' again, but the damaging foundation had already been laid. Over the next 5 years, his hurt/anger from my attacks and crazy behavior and my lack of interest in anything physical, built up in him and affected every communication we had- which usually ended up with me yelling. I am not proud of my actions in our marriage, nor do I try to excuse them. Regardless of why or what happened.... the fact is: he got rejected and hurt. We are a proud military family and live over 800 miles away from the nearest family member- so we have had to become each other's support system. This took a turn for the worse when we moved to our most recent assignment 2 years ago. He had it. I had it. I left to stay at a friend's house (while they were on vacation) so I could clear my head and think about what I really wanted... 1 week later, I came back ready to give it my best and work this out. (come to find out recently: during that week, my H was seriously considering filing for D). I found out I was pregnant soon after I came home, so we decided that there was no choice but to suck it up and hope for the best. Because of my post-pardum issues before, we worked out a plan with my doctor to treat me asap after birth to ease the drama, it worked. My second son was born and I didn't go into rages or yelling fits. My H would continue to tell me that he wasn't happy and that something needed to change, but I never understood how bad it really was for him. We both started individual counseling early this year (Feb) and I was seeing some amazing changes in him- how he interacted with me and he was able to finally put words to his emotions and communicate more effectively. I was thinking that we were headed down the right path, finally. Then in July, he said he wanted to separate. He said that through his counseling, he had discovered how unhappy he really was and that he needed to be able to 'be in charge of his own happiness'. He was really concerned that our yelling/fighting was taking a toll on our now 5 year old (I could disagree with him), so we agreed that we would focus on our communication for the sake of the kids. We started joint counseling. (I have continued with Individual counseling to work on my anger issues and he decided that he got what he he needed from his individual counselor, so he stopped.) He moved out. I sold my business so I could focus all my energies on my kids and M (seems dramatic, but because of other work-related issues, I had been thinking about selling anyways.) I was learning to be a stay-at-home mom, housekeeper and trying desperately to do a 180 on my personality (not for him, but so I could be proud of myself again.)
During our separation (nothing legal, just a verbal agreement), we didn't have sex, we would kiss and hug upon greeting and leaving (but no make-out sessions), we split the time with kids (he's an AMAZING dad and has never tried to get out of his responsibilities), we had family dinners 4 times a week, date night 1 time a week and planned family events for the weekends. I joined a gym (because of this, I discovered some severe medical problems- more on that later), gave up soda and was more conscience of what I was eating. I started to 'take pride' in myself: did my hair and makeup when I left the house and tried not to always be in PJs when he would come over. I was very hopeful that things were finally going in the right direction: I was discovering where my anger had been coming from (control issues and childhood emotional traumas), I was learning how to be a better listener and communicate so that he felt he was being heard and validated... I was really proud of our new relationship. We had not had a fight in 4 months! There were disagreements, but because of my new 'skills' I was able to keep them from spinning out of control and we were able to resolve things quickly and calmly.
Then the world was pulled out from under me: 4 months into it, he said "I'm done." He said that he had become happy during our separation, having his own time and space was making him comfortable. He said he liked not having to worry about coming home to a 'hostile environment'.
I did all the wrong things: I begged, pleaded, cried, tried to talk to him all the time... for a week. He was not going to budge. Meanwhile, we were still in joint counseling and our counselor said that she was 'surprised' by this decision (that made me feel better, but it made him mad.) Somehow I was able to convince him that he hadn't given us a fair shot- that he made his decision without experiencing our 'real' marriage: my new found love for affection and sex, me now being comfortable being vulnerable and with my body issues... all the things I had been working on in my individual therapy since Feb. He agreed to give me 1 month and move back in (turns out, he also couldn't afford his new place anymore.) He said he would take down his 'walls' and open up his mind and heart to the possible. The first week was great (in my mind). We had amazing sex, were talking all the time and we weren't fighting. After 5 days, he said that he wasn't really comfortable with being so intimate and having sex... so he wanted to back off from that. Week 2 happened to be Thanksgiving and we had family coming to visit. I still kissed and hugged him whenever I wanted and he seemed ok with that- although he didn't initiate too much. The stress of the family visit got to both of us and we got in a fight (the first one in almost 6 months.) He admitted to me that his feelings weren't changing. He said that he 'wasn't attracted to me anymore'. I asked if it was a physical thing- he said no, but that it was a combination of personality and physical. He said he would still give me 2 more weeks because he had promised- but I wasn't stupid to think that anything would change at that point and he would just be going through the motions. He said that he will always love and respect me as the mother of his children and that I will probably always be his best friend (that's my consolation prize)
Here's where things stand right now:
-He's living in the guest room
-We are going to joint counseling every other week. With the goal being to make sure we 'do things right' for the kids.
-He's up for orders right now and won't know where he's going for another month. He will either get orders to stay here in town- in which case, he will start looking for a new place. Or he will get orders to go overseas for a year, in which case he will live here in the house until June and then leave.
-No papers have been signed. We live in a state that requires a 1 year legal separation before Divorce papers can be filed.
-He's talked to a lawyer to get information, and has shared everything with me.
-We have split up the bank accounts. I still receive a salary as part of my business buyout for another year, so at least I have some of my own money.
{I know this is really long, thanks for reading this far. I feel the need to get out all the little details so that my situation is clear}
-We have agreed not to date anyone until papers have been signed. I have NO interest in dating, and he claims to not have any motivation to date at this time. We have a few mutual friends, and through some detective work (I know it's not good to spy) I found out that he is not dating anyone. There is a girl in his office that he has had to become a mentor for and I've always told him that I think she has other intentions. He says that he's not her type and has no interest in her... but now that that things are so broken with us, I'm afraid that his heart and mind might be open to new possibilities

In regards to my medical situation: I wasn't able to work out for longer than 15 minutes before I got weak and my arms and feet would start to go numb. Many tests and referrals later: It was discovered that I have a hole in my heart and possible pulmonary hypertension. My H has been to all my procedures and appointments. He says that he wants to be there with me through all of this and that we won't sign any papers until I am medically fit (because of insurance.) I joked with him that we might have to be separated for a few years before he can file for D, he said that was ok. I have another month of procedures/tests to really diagnose the problem... then who knows what I need to go through to fix the problems. All this extra stress is taking a toll on me. I still become overwhelmed by crying fits- which I try to control until I can get away from the kids and not in front of him- usually I let it all out in the shower. But I sometimes hyperventilate and have a hard time recovering my breath. A few times he's heard me and he will come in and sit with me until it passes. I think that he's worried about me passing out and wants to make sure he's there in case I do.

I discovered DB a little too late I spent this past week reading the whole thing and I'm mad that I didn't find this during our separation- it would have helped a lot. I have started to try the 180 steps, and he doesn't have any reaction- he seems relieved that he doesn't have to talk to me. He hasn't made an effort to reach out to me. I know that it takes time for them to react, I am working on being patient... but the pain of 'rejection' is awful. Can DB still help? I am so much more comfortable in my body and mind now. I feel like myself again after all the therapy I've gone through. He suffered for so long, I want him to be rewarded for hanging in there with me all these years and experience the M that we have both always wanted- but now I know how to do.

[brenalim]

Purgatory... I know it feels like that but MWD would say that it's never too late to DB. If this is what you want, don't give up hope. Call the hotline and get into therapy. I'm glad that you both have been to therapy and I hope that it is still continuing.

Keep up the good work on the self improvement. I hope that you are doing these things for yourself first and foremost. You can't just tell him about the changes... you have to show him. It's okay to slip up from time to time. We all make mistakes. Just keep getting back on track and try again.

There are many stages to DB and the 180 is only one way to go. it could be that he is enjoying the changes but he doesn't trust that it's permanent. Keep showing him those changes.

It's going to be tough DBing from overseas but not impossible. The phone therapy offered here could be a great assistance to you guys. You can both do joint and individual therapy over the phone.

Its wonderful that he's being so supportive of you as you go through your medical issues. You do need to ask yourself if you want your H to stay because you need his insurance or because he wants to be with you. What kind of relationship do you want in the end? Make sure you're not manipulating him into staying because of this condition. Please don't take that the wrong way. I'm not saying that you'd intentionally do this. I've been there. So desperate for my H to stay... My xH stayed with me because he thought he should... I guarantee that it hurts far more to have someone stay just because they think they should than the pain of rejection.

Keep up with the therapy. If your counselor isn't helping... get a new one. Don't stop looking for a therapist you love. Chin up! Purgatory doesn't last forever.

[purgatory]

Thanks for reading.... I realized that it was WAY too much to put in a first post

In regards to wanting him to stay for medical support- or if I really want him... I've been asking myself this for 3 months (that's when the problem was first diagnosed)... I know that I want my future to be with him (whether I was sick or not.)

I really enjoy my weekly IC sessions. Its nice to be able to vent it all out, she doesn't talk much, but has helped me stay focused and we are working together to create my GAL plan. I'll be honest, I have a hard time finding things to do that work with my kids schedules, and I cant afford a babysitter just so I can go do something alone for a few hours. My family live 900 miles away and I only have 1 close friend in town (she has 3 kids so I feel guilty asking her to watch mine.) I know that I can come up with 1000 excuses to not GAL, and my C is helping me break things down into manageable pieces

[purgatory]

I've been reading other stories on here and it's so nice to know that I'm not alone (even though I logically knew this all ready). It's comforting to find some people in similar situations and see how they are handling things.

The hardest thing for me to do is detach. I see him every day in our house. I try to give as much space as possible within these walls:
- I don't wake up to have breakfast with him. I wait until he's left for work to come out of my room.
- I try not to be hanging out in the LR when he gets home (he doesn't get home until 8pm on most nights so I've already done dinner with the kids and put them to bed.) Instead, I'll hang out upstairs in my room so he can have 'alone time' to eat dinner and relax.
- I don't call/text him throughout the day.
- I don't send funny emails anymore (this was an ongoing things for both of us, he stopped doing it as well)
- I try to always look my best and 'act happy' when we do see each other (MC appointments, school events for my S.)

During the week it's easier to do these things because he's at work all day and we only cross paths for a few hours, but the weekends suck! For our S's sake, we still do a family breakfast on Saturday mornings since this has been a tradition since they were born. But I've been trying to find things to occupy myself to keep busy and let him have space.... sadly, most of the things I can come up with are projects around the house- so that doesn't take me away from him.

Hes's really angry/frustrated at all of this because he 'just wants to get away' and our finances don't allow that right now. I want to support him and respect his need for space, but how can I do that while we live in the same house?

[Some Day]

Hi Purgatory. Welcome. It's never too late to DB. You've come to the right place. Lots of supportive folks here who are going through similar situations.

I concur with brenalim. Keep the focus of your changes on yourself, not because you want H to notice them and change his mind. Both you and H have your own journeys. You can only control your own.

Focus on becoming stronger without depending on H to make you feel better/worse about yourself. Once you become stronger, you will gain the mental clarity and endurance you need to DB effectively.

Re: The dating promises, etc. Don't believe everything H says. My H said a lot of things (including promising not to date evne while having an affair I was unaware of) that he didn't mean. Sometimes it's because they don't want to "hurt" you, other times they are trying to cover their tracks and don't want to raise your suspicions. So there can be a OW in the picture even if you currently do not find any evidence for it. It may be an EA or a PA. Regardless, it doesn't matter. Don't worry about OW. The more you pressure and ask about OW, the more he will go underground with her if there is one.

So again, focus on you and on what is under your control. Continue to be kind and caring (without being clingy or needy), but expect nothing in return.

Hang in there. We're all in the same boat.

[purgatory]

I've been thinking about the possibility of OW for a while... I guess I'll never really know (which KILLS me) because I don't want to become a 'spy' and hack email/facebook or check his phone.

Thanks for all the support- I'm really encouraged that I can make it through this!

[brenalim]

RE: "Hes's really angry/frustrated at all of this because he 'just wants to get away' and our finances don't allow that right now. I want to support him and respect his need for space, but how can I do that while we live in the same house?"

Its not your problem. It is your house too. If he wants to get away, that is up to him to do. If he really wanted it that bad, he'd do it.

I agree with Some Day... don't believe the dating promises. You need to believe what he does... not says. Same for you. If you want him to believe in your changes... show him.

[purgatory]

Today was rough. We had a MC appointment...(the most we've talked in 3 days) We discussed how he can be more comfortable in the house. I said that I didn't like seeing him so angry and I DO want him to be able to 'get away' so he can be with his thoughts. I remember having the same 'scratching at the wall' feeling when I left for my week alone a few years ago... it's not comfortable. We discussed some options and he decided that he will start to look around for a temporary solution (since we can't make long term plans until he gets his next orders) such as housesitting for someone on a deployment, or staying with a friend.
Then the talk went to finances and how he's stressing about not being able to provide for 2 households (of course, my first reaction is to say "or you could just change your mind and we wouldn't have these problems"... but I remained silent)
This led to talking about me needing to get a job. I'm not opposed to it at all, I have a BAS in Elementary Education- but I need to take some classes/tests to renew my certificate. It was hard to listen to him say that I need to start thinking about how Im going to provide for myself (implying when I'm single)... this is when the panic attack started. I was able to hold it all in, but our C could see that I was struggling. His comment wasn't mean- it just gave me another reality check that his mind is still focused on the path to D.
Everything I've read on other people's posts, and all the books I've read- say that I NEED to plan for MY future. Do my own thing. Get a job, get a hobby... GAL!! Even though my brain knows this is the right thing to do....my heart is not there yet. I feel like if I get a job, then I am giving into my fate.

The C said that noticed how receptive/quiet I was (since this was not my usual response) I guess my 180 of 'really listen and don't make it about me' is working My H made the comment: 'We've come a long way'. Even though I know he intended it to be a positive statement... it set something off in me. I really wanted to retaliate with "for what?! we've come a long way just for us to get a D?! That seems like a waste!" but again, I was able to stay quiet.

The problem was that by keeping all my thoughts and feelings inside, I was fueling my panic attack. I couldn't catch my breath and my heart started racing (my heart monitor went off and my H knew what that meant, so he got a worried look and gestured for me to breath deep) It was kinda funny, because our C had no clue what was happening, and she asked us 'what just happened between you two? It's like you have an unspoken language'
Our time was up and I couldn't get to my car fast enough, before the full onslaught of panic took over. I had to sit in the parking lot for about 20 minutes before I could breath/see enough to drive. My H didn't see any of this because his car was in another part of the lot and he had driven away.
I usually deal with these panics by going to my room alone until it passes, this was the first one he had been around, I wasn't proud that he saw how much I'm still in pain. I've been really trying to be strong and 'act happy' in front of him.

I want to still DB, but actually talking to him and seeing how much he's still set on a D, is really tough to take.

[BklynMom]

Its seems like you are off to a good start in detaching. I think its harder to create distance when you are living together but the benefit to your kids is tremendous.

Also your H would move out if he really wanted to no matter the financial constraints - write down in your book of results that he has not moved out. That is a big positive.

Keep up the looking good. Keep the house together. I would add how about going out at night when he gets home at 8. Maybe to the gym, book club, sports league, whatever.. let it be a little mysterious but dress cutely when you leave.

You have an opportunitity to show him your changes everyday.

Be careful around the holidays. It will be tempting to include him in all family events that he may not want to participate in. Dont but any pressure on him to participate in any extended family events.

We are here for you. I see a lot of hope:)

[purgatory]

Thanks for the great idea of leaving when he gets home at 8... I could definitely use that time to go to the gym...but you're right, dress cute and not let him know that's where I'm going

I have not started a book of results, and I never would have thought to include 'he hasn't moved out yet'... I didn't think of that as a positive. On that same note- I guess I would also have to include he acknowledged my efforts today when we were talking about separation papers. He said: "I know how hard this is for you, but thank you for talking with me."

I don't want to sign papers. It makes things more permanent in my mind. Sometimes I think that he's just having a MLC (at 31?)... he just keeps saying that he has to 'find his happiness', 'i want to be happy again'...

I had to be in an MRI machine for 3.5 hours today (for my heart/lung problems) so I had A TON of time to think about plans/wants/needs/future... and I decided that I can't just talk about doing things anymore- I have to start doing them, and starting a long term career is something that would give me focus, purpose and financial stability. So, I've started the process (researching information) on renewing my teaching certificate with the intention on being ready for the next school year. This means going back to school- ick! But, regardless of what my future might be with H.... I have to plan MY future for me and my boys