Really Needing Advice ....Encouragement

[AJM]

Sunshine, I read that and kind of wondered: did you get in that relationship because he is not able to be attached? I think my first relationship was like that. She travelled a lot (still does) and we saw each other a few times a month. She lives in another state.

When I stepped back, I think I was attracted to her in part for that reason. She's a great gal and very smart and pretty. But I think there was a part of me that wanted that distance and no chance of the relationship going further than a certain point due to the distance. Or at least, less of a chance. An "out" if you will. At the time I didn't think like that, but looking back I think I did.

Is that possible?

I agree with Jack and wonder why you would want to change him? If you did, he wasn't what you signed up for. If you can't, will you be happy?

I suspect not.

Just some obeservations. My $0.04 worth if you will

AJ

[sunshinelewis]

Thanks everyone for replying to me.

Jack....I do try to fill my time. I work and I have a Photography business that I am trying to get off the ground. I have custody of my nephew that I take care of and I have been doing alot of crafts lately.
I visit friends and go out to eat.
It seems though that I long to at least speak to me once a day.
Its like I need that reassurance that he is there and need to hear someone say I LOVE YOU.
My xh use to tell me this daily. Could this be why I need that?
Also other than my nephew I have no family around. My nephew and I are spending Thanksgiving alone because my bf cant come home for Thanksgiving adn Christmas. I would rather him come Christmas.
Jack you are right. I think he knows I will always be there.
The one time in two years that I didnt answer his call or return his text right away he noticed. This was how it went. I was very brief.

Him....Hey I got a new game in the mail today. (hes into gaming)
Me....(20 mins later) Cool.
Him....I tried to call you last night
Me....(15 mins later)Yea I saw that.

Then when he called later I answered.
Should I have said more or waited longer?
He texted me at 930 the next morning after I didnt answer his call. He has NEVER that I can rem texted me that early in a LONG time.

Kim
My bh is MOST CERTAINLY emotionally unavailable.
How do I deal with this?
It is alot better when we are together because he hugs and kisses me more. I get more attention.
Over the phone is where we get distant and he gets less emotional it seems.

AJM....
No that is not the case at all.
I would love to be closer to him. We get along so much better together. I think he is scared though.

Guys I love this man.
I just hate the long distance thing.

Renee

[Kimmerz]

Hi Lewis....
Hmmm. Well this sounds similar.

My stbx is a huge gamer. World of Warcraft took over his life. From what I understand it still does. It was 8 years ago he got into that game and hasn't stopped since. His personality changed after he got into that game.

Im afraid I can't give the best advice in how to deal with an emotionally unavailable man, given mine told me it was MY FAULT he was emotionally unavailable.

Being with an emotionally unavailable person is going to be very unsatisfying in the long run, unless you find other places that fullfill you emotionally. If you have alot of close frienships or close relationships in your family, this will help! I found that because I was so close to my mother that she actually was feeding my need for someone to be emotionally available to me, when my husband really never was. Then when she passed away, I started to turn to my husband for that emotional need. Guess what? HE WASN'T THERE.

Look on Amazon for books on Emotionally Unavailablity. Do some searches on it as well. There's alot of information on it. I found alot of helpful information just online through searches.

The only thing I can advise is that you'll have to learn to depend on yourself to meet your emotional needs, and have very low expectations of him to meet your emotional needs as long as you remain together and in this long distance relationship.

[forward]

I have been seeing a good man for over a year now. I did try hard to look at the R w/X before I dated. I also waited 3 years before I dated--about 6 months after D but after 3 years of separation.

Are we ever "over" a situation like the ones we went through? I guess sometimes I wonder if I moved too fast. X still pulls at my heartstrings at times. But I am able to look at R more objectively now and am not sure I could imagine it being rescuable--if X even showed a flicker of interest, which he doesn't. As it is, he has seldom even showed much respect. I recognize that a pull towards him might not be very healthy for me.

I think it is important to learn to be alone. It is a good life lesson. Then the idea of abandoning a R is not so scary. In life we must do many things alone. I am an introvert so being alone is not too hard for me. In fact, early in the crisis I WANTED to be alone. Gradually I began to feel ready to socialize.

There is a lot to do alone!

I watched movies that *I* wanted to watch.
I went out with women friends to some rather wild events, I might add.
I befriended other families that did not have extended family around. We do a lot of things together even now.
I am not religious but found a church where I was happy.
I exercised a lot. I can't recommend this enough. It gets rid of depressed feelings AND you feel fabulous about yourself.
I journaled.
I volunteered.
I took long peaceful bubble baths.
I bought beautiful clothes and made myself over.
I worked on learning how to cook.
I thought about changes in career and took steps in that direction (although I haven't done this quite as I had hoped).
I focused on my child.
I took lessons in a sport I wanted to learn.

My wonderful boyfriend is giving and loving, but it is Saturday night and we are in our respective homes. Why? We like the space, too. We have gradually spent more time w/New Guy's family, but I think New Guy and I have been careful and moved slowly. And we went out last night and now it is a quiet night for both of us. We will talk later. We will also read, write, watch things we want, sleep in, I will go to church tomorrow, etc..

I am glad we did not move in together at this time. I think it is healthier for everyone involved as we gradually learn more about each other and each other's families. I would prefer for a move to feel comfortable for us all as much as possible. When we have spent extended time together, it has boded well.

I am not sure what the future holds for us, but frankly, while I wouldn't be happy with a breakup, of course, I'm not sure I could see such a thing as being as devastating as it was w/X. Not because I do not care about New Guy, but because I am more comfortable with the idea of being alone. And as others say, I even WANT it at times.

Do not look to this guy to make you happy. It is not fair to him, and you will deprive yourself of some valuable life experience. Make yourself happy. Make yourself a happy life.

[AntoniaB]

I don't know if this will help, but this sitch reminds me so much of a friend of mine who got back in contact with me just as her 17 yr. rel. with her XB was ending (he was likely MLC). She spent a year without him or anyone else after their breakup. She went to 3 therapy appts and then stopped when her therapist (male) told her he was getting "feelings" for her and thought that he shouldn't continue a professional rel. with her (she stopped any contact with him). Then she sort of retreated into herself, drank pretty heavily, and just sort of detached from the world except for going to work. (not accusing you of the drinking part ;-)

Then about 15 mo. later, she met a guy, and started to see him. He was SO much better suited to her than her XB in that he really had his life together and was even into a lot of the stuff she was, stuff she TRIED to get XB into and he was disinterested. Anyway this guy really seemed to love spending time with her, but he works A LOT, and he volunteers, and he has a lot of friends and is close to them. Well she was starved for affection, going so long without, and not working on herself much or learning to be less "needy."

So he tells her one week that his really wants to see her, but he has almost no time for the next 10 days. He says he's going out to dinner with a couple he's been friends with for years and can he "pencil her in for 2 hours in a block prior to dinner, it's not much but it's something." Well she loses it (on the phone to me) about how this isn't right, that he should be cancelling with his long-term friends as "he's had countless dinners with them so who cares if he has this one dinner"...she just gives him the cold shoulder. A week later he comes over, sleeps with her, tells her how much he is happy to see her, and she DUMPS him. He's shocked. Keeps saying "but we're good together." She's not hearing it. Then she confides in me...and what I hear is only one thing:

Here's a guy who is NOT going to drop everything in his life for her, and that's a GOOD thing. He's fully present when he IS with her. No he doesn't call or text her a lot. She wants him to say he's thinking of her all the time, that's just not him at this point in time and may never be. The reason this is bugging her is that she is terribly insecure. She never took the time to learn how to be alone and ok with it. She spent over a year without her XB, but in that time she never once looked at what might have been her contributions to the demise of the relationship. She put it ALL on the XB. So when she got into the next rel. when this guy wasn't doing everything she wanted all the time, she ended the rel. saying he wasn't the right guy for her.

In her mind, the right guy is a guy who does everything on her terms. Not healthy.

So I'm not saying that this IS you, I don't know you well enough :-) But I do feel like there is a real streak of neediness coming through your posts...the need to be talking once a day, the need to hear the reassurance or the I love you...these things are nice, but if you need it to feel secure, I guess you're not very secure in yourself?

I heard all that from XH too, even when he was seeing OW. That stuff can be empty as well all know--so try not to depend on it to feel good, because the last thing you'd want is to be hearing it and having it be false or patronizing.

It may be that this guy isn't right for you for other reasons, but I think that what you have here is an opportunity simply BECAUSE this is a long-distance rel. to work on learning how to be more secure with yourself and NOT need him so much for "daily" validation of you.

[sunshinelewis]

Thanks to all of you.

Forward we did move kinda slow at first....well it was slow to me, fast to him. He didnt want to move in together and I pushed him until he agreed....MISTAKE!
He has made this statement several times that he will NOT be pushed.
Forward, I agree that I am looking to him for my happiness, I mean I must be, because I am sad when I dont hear from him.

Antonia I am alot like your friend, although I would NEVER be brave enough to end the rel. I have NEVER broken up with anyone I dont think, maybe once in my younger years.

I cant explain it guys, its like I enjoy my time alone more and more BUT I wish I could see him on weekends at least.
I seem to HAVE to talk to him everyday but not for long periods of time. Its like I just want to make sure he is still there and still loves me. I am SO AFRAID of not being loved by him.
I am worried to death that he will NOT be back to my state and this will go on forever.
I am worried to death that he really doesnt love me.
I DONT want to go thru the dating scent again so I hold onto him and try and enjoy what I have.

This is what I expect from him....and I am just trying to be honest about it. I know some of it isnt right but then again I dont feel like I am asking too much.

I expect him to answer my texts if I text him. He dont have to right away, just at least acknowledge that he got them.
I expect to talk to him at least a few minutes every day, because I dont get to see him but a few times a year. Is this not fair?
I expect him to tell me he loves me often. NOT everytime we speak, but if he says he loves me and I believe him because it took him so long to tell me and those words dont come easy to him, then WHY wouldnt he want to tell me often?
I expect him not to forget important dates, like my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas just stuff like that.
I called him at midnight on his birthday to wish him a Happy Birthday. He was on the phone with me at Midnight when my birthday arrived and DID NOT even acknowledge it. He asked what was wrong and I said I was hurt because he forgot my birthday.
He said MY GOD couldnt you even wait until tomorrow. I dont understand this?
I expect us to be able to talk openly about things in our lives, share everything with each other. I mean we have been together over 2 years now.
I expect him to be there for me and me for him when needed.
AND I expect Affection....not all the time but a little....which he does do this.

You all are prb saying that I am the neediest person you have ever known BUT in my defense I was in a 20 yr. marriage and this was how things were. SO maybe I am expecting this to continue.
I know NO OTHER WAY.

Also dont forget that I lost alot during that first year.
I have no family around and the ones I do have DID NOT call me on my birthday. THAT is hurtful to me. This is just the way it is.
Like I said my xh ALWAYS told me he loved me many times a day sometimes.
He was ALL these things I described above, so maybe I am trying to carry on where we left off.
I WOULD love to be able to not think about a man, but it is SO LONELY. I love laying watching moves with my bf and cooking for him and pampering him.
He is SO opposite.
He could care less if he got a Happy Birthday or present. Says he needs NOTHING for Christmas. DOesnt want me buying him anything at anythime. AND tells me he should NOT have to tell me he loves me everyday becuase I should know this.
I just dont understand.

Help....
Renee

[sunshinelewis]

I wanted to add that I would love for him to tell me what I mean to him and tell me how much he misses me.
He has said he misses me but ONLY after I ask or I tell him I miss him.
He doesnt volunteer anything. Its like I have to drag it out of him. and I hate doing that.
He told me once or twice that he appreciates me.
It seem he has a hard time expressing his feelings.
He told me once in the beginning that I would NEVER know how he truly felt because you just couldnt let women know that.
I thought he was just saying that, but maybe he really meant it.
Also, in the past month or so, when he start disagreeing and arguing, he will HANG UP on me. He says he HATES conflict and fighting.
I feel like if he dont want to discuss it we have to drop it.
If he says drop it, he means drop it.
He hates relationship talk and feels like its a waste of time.
GEts very upset when I ask him how he truly feels about me.
I ask him this every now and then becuase like I said, he doesnt openly talk about his feelings.
He gets tired of me asking and I am tired of asking myself.
If only he would open up a little and tell me every now and then without me asking.
How do I get him to do this without pressuring him?

Renee

[seeking answers]

Renee,

You're expecting something from this BF that he isn't capable, for whatever reason, of giving.

It doesn't sound like he ever presented himself as any different than he is right now. You cannot change him. You either accept him as he is or move on.

[Cadet]

You sound like you are very co-dependent on him

I never read this book but I have heard it is very good.

Called co-dependent no more.

Maybe you should read it, sorry to say this but I
think right now the relationship you are in is
doomed.
More because of you than him.
You never fixed what was broken in yourself before
and it is continuing into this relationship.

Please stop trying to fix yourself with another person.
That is unlikely to work.

Sorry sunshine that is what I see.

[AntoniaB]

Sunshine I applaud you for writing in such detail all these things you want from him above, because the only way you can fix this in yourself is to focus on the truths...and now you have a list. Like Cadet said, if you read Codependent No More, you'll see that much of what you've said above is script from that book. Just like the MLCers have a script, so do the LBS's if the LBS's are extremely codependent. I'm not a doctor but I read that book AND others, and I also am a reformed (mostly reformed) codependent, so I can see the behavior a mile away.

You said yourself you're trying to get back something you lost with XH by having a rel. with this guy that will sort of continue where the rel. with XH left off...regardless of what nightmare XH put you through with his MLC, you have to acknowledge if you want to grow yourself that part of the marital problems leading up to his MLC or during his MLC were your problems of codependency. And maybe he PUSHED you into codependency, maybe it was all you...but it's irrelevant whose fault it was. What IS, is that you are very needy, and when you say "I'm sorry I'm so needy but I don't know any other way to be", I get it, I totally get it. I was there too.

But you don't HAVE to be that way. The only way to not be needy is to GAL. And there are different types of GALing--to me, GALing with the goal of not being needy means that you have to learn to do things that are only for YOU and your own development or to help others, like family or friends, and you aren't doing things because you're movitated by it getting you a man, whether that man is your X or a current guy or a new guy.

I still struggle with this...but I'm getting better...small example: when I get an accomplishment with my current project, I have the instinct to celebrate with my XH. Knowing that I can't, I'm choosing a few friends to confide in--girlfriends--and sometimes I'm even learning to keep the good feelings to myself.

I think women SO often are taught that our accomplishments aren't "ours" but that they have to be done FOR men in some way...do you go buy some sexy lingerie, for instance, to wear to bed BY YOURSELF? Or do you say to yourself, "why should I buy that if I don't have a man here to admire it?" Most women don't buy it then. Or if they do they "put it away till a man comes along."

I don't even really think men are at fault here. If you look at women's magazines, most are headed up by women and THEY are the ones putting this crap out to the world. I think most women are taught to feel exactlty the way you do, and unless you make a gigantic effort to learn how NOT to be so codependent, you will probably just try to fix yourself with another person, as Cadet says.

You need a plan, and that plan needs to be to read on GALing, codependency, and put all your effort into fixing yourself now instead of him. You need to learn healthy relationship detachment.

It may be that this guy senses your neediness and is unwilling to give you an inch because he's afraid you'll take a mile, and pushing him to move in together is evidence that you've already had that tendency. He's holding back for a reason. Perhaps if you are really changing/less needy, he will meet you halfway. Perhaps he will not and he's a rebound guy and it will never work. But all that aside, you have the best chance at a future relationship that is healthy if you really work on your codependency.

Make it a goal to post mainly about what you're doing to work on yourself from here on out :-)