Wife is angrier after my 180

[sandi2]

Immediate goals for me include getting a job (other than the little business I have which doesn't generate enough $$ to support me), continue 180's, try to GAL

These are good goals and I think they are vital to your M. When I was a WAW in an EA, I lost respect for my H. He is self-employed and motivation is key to his making a living. When he discovered my EA, it took him down. He could not motivate himself to work enough to pay our bills. We nearly lost our house b/c he got so far behind in payments (and didn't let me know). So, the less work he did, the less his income......and the less my respect for him as the "provider" of our family. I was wanting financial security (and thought OM could give me that).

It breaks my heart (now) to think how cold I felt toward my H. I did not want him anywhere under the same roof as me. I wanted freedom and I wanted privacy away from him and anyone else that would be a barrier from OM.

Finding additional work to help with finances is good right now. Search around and see what you can do before saying anything to her. Just trust me on some things I tell you that will turn her off.

GAL is the next most important thing you need to do.

[gunny]

Hey 2,
Did you ask her at the very beginning of this mess if she wanted to go to mc? Just curious? If so, what was her response?

[2thepoint]

It breaks my heart (now) to think how cold I felt toward my H. I did not want him anywhere under the same roof as me. I wanted freedom and I wanted privacy away from him and anyone else that would be a barrier from OM.

Finding additional work to help with finances is good right now. Search around and see what you can do before saying anything to her. Just trust me on some things I tell you that will turn her off.

Sandi - I appreciate your perspective. I think what you said you were feeling towards your H regarding privacy and freedom is exactly what my W is feeling. She has a f/t job (works from home) that pays very well, enough even to support us all. she has said in the past that she would be happy if she worked and I stayed home. Since I lost a very high paying job a few years ago, then did some consulting, then started a business, I think W discovered she doesn't want me home.

She has been in T for several years with a "life coach" and only recently (last few months) feels like she finally knows what she wants and apparently it doesn't include me. I don't know if she has shared her OM secret with her T. Maybe it doesn't matter.

Gunny - When W first dropped the bomb, I asked specifically why we didn't go to MC. She said she didn't know. I've asked her one other time why no MC and she has no explanation.

Sandi - Your post appears to suggest that you were the WAW who was having an EA. How did you find your way back?

[2thepoint]

I should also add that I know that for my own sense of self worth that I need to get a job. It will give me something to do, something to look forward to, bring in some $$ and maybe even change my attitude about myself. I have to do this and the sooner the better.

I've got several applications out there but nothing in way of any interest yet. I did get an immediate rejection from an employer for a position that I was overqualified for. It cracks me up, if I meet all the minimum qualifications, why are employers afraid to hire someone someone they consider overqualified? Frustrating!

[2thepoint]

You need to "get this" through your head. A WAW who is in an A does not want to work on her M! She does not want to go to any MC, and futhermore, if you press her about it....she will go one time, but it will not get the results you hope. She will announce that she's getting a D. Then she can tell friends/relatives that she tried everything, even MC, and it didn't work.

MC does not work for a woman who is done with her M and her heart and mind is wrapped up with another man. You need to forget that option.

I'm not telling you there is no hope for saving the M, I'm just saying that going that route (MC)won't do it.

Sandi - OK good advice! MC was one of my immediate goals as I thought that we could at least get our issues out in the open and reach some understanding. If MC is not a good option, what is? Do I have to move out to show W that I am willing and able to move on, thus giving her the space and freedom she is seeking. Where does that decision ultimately lead?

It is interesting that my W has said that she wants me to move out, that she is willing to tap our life savings to support this decision since I don't have a job and she has also said that we should trade in my current vehicle in place of something that gets better gas mileage. Add to this the idea that once we sell our house, she has visions of each of us buying smaller houses in the same neighborhood so we can be near each other/kids.

To my mind this sounds too contrived. Sort of like... "I know you are hurting so here's a deal too good to pass up. Lets sell the house get something smaller, lets get you a new car and all you have to do is move out so I don't have to feel guilt over the decision I've made regarding our R."

It is all so vary maddening!!

[workinghardguy]

[b]Sort of like... "I know you are hurting so here's a deal too good to pass up. Lets sell the house get something smaller, lets get you a new car and all you have to do is move out so I don't have to feel guilt over the decision I've made regarding our R."

Yes, you are right on both counts. It is maddening and designed to reduce their guilt. My W has visions of me coming over for dinner, tucking our S in at night (and then presumably leaving), me taking the SS and SD on trips with S and I. While none of those, on face, are something I'd be against. She gets mad when I start to poke holes in her dream fabric. When would SS and SD go with me? If you someday meet someone won't it be weird that I'm in house at bedtime? And so on.

It is completely to assuage their guilt. Deep down, beneath the stoic/uncaring face, they know the incredible pain they are inflicting on the LBS and on any kids involved. Their only defense is this contrivance of normalcy otherwise they'd have to look at their actions in the narcissistic and selfish light they exist in.

My personal favorite is to see friends of my W who support her by saying "life is too short to ever be unhappy". BS. Lots of people are unhappy for lots of reasons and find ways to work on it, not run away from it. If you extend that line of thinking to one's kids for example, then how would you tear up their house? I thought life was too short to be unhappy? But apparently life is too short for ME to be unhappy is what they truly mean.

[2thepoint]

Amen Brother!

[gunny]

Sandi2,
I have been reading many of your posts and really appreciate the wisdom that you share. I would GREATLY appreciate it if you could check out my sitch sometime and give me your advice/comments. Thank you very much,

2THEPOINT, I am sorry for the quick hijack, I dont know how to send a private message, I ask your indulgence, thank you,
Gunny

[2thepoint]

Good morning folks. I could use some guidance, please. W initiated R discussion yesterday. I will post details later (we had an hour long conversation). Bottom line right now is that she still wants me to move out and the sooner the better. She is experiencing profound bouts of guilt and stress. What gets me and where I need help is with regard to the long distance EA/OM.

The OM is the last person she talks to before she goes to sleep and is the first person she talks to when she wakes up. She tells me she has no one to talk to and this is why her stress is building. She needs me out of the house so she can "stop living the lie" of our supposed happy family. She needs to be able to tell her parents about our separation before they arrive for Thanksgiving. I'm cool with all that. Where I struggle is with the ES/OM. I've only mentioned it one time early on in this ordeal during an emotional outburst. I've since come to understand that the EA is much deeper than I expected. We've never really discussed the EA other than my emotional outburst to which she had no reaction. She has never brought it up nor has she acknowledged the EA. I feel like I need to say something, anything to let W know that I am fully aware of her EA and that I am under no illusions about the real driver behind her need for me to move out.

So my question is, do I say anything or zip it?

[gunny]

Good morning 2,
Good question. During my convos with my wife, which were always civil, I asked her about ea/pa? with old high school twice. The first time she confirmed that she was indeed interfacing with him on FB. I didnt go any farther than that, I did not press it beacause I remembered by DR said about not pressing s about a.
The sencond time I asked her if she was still in contact with om(she had just come back from ohio to bring some stuff out there) she said they "were taking it slow". Again, remembering the advice, I did not press it. I still wonder if I did the right thing, should I have pressed for more info, or just left it alone.

I am inclined to think I made the right decision. Pressing her for more info was not going to make my sitch any better, she was going to leave anyway, and in DR parlance, it was not going to help me accomplish my goal, which was to not be controling.

So, if control has been one of her issues, what purpose would it serve to press her? Is it going to honestly help your sitch?

Good luck 2