Wife of 6-Years is Divorcing Me pt.V

[alamo76]

Okay folks, random question (if it warrants 2x4s, so be it) that I have at the top of my head.

At this time last year (keep in mind that were already separated, but still under one roof), my wife and I took our son to a working pumpkin farm to pick pumpkins for Halloween. Our son had the time of his life and I plan to take him back there this year.

The random question that popped in my head today is: would it be a good/detrimental idea to ask my wife if she'd like to join us? My gut is telling me that the invite will come across as clingy or needy, but I know of a lot of people in this forum who have wiser guts than I do.

[25yearsmlc]

Alamo,

you have every right NOT To invite her for sure. But if you do, I have mixed thoughts.

I like texting b/c it documents the conversation. That's the ONLY thing I like about it.

But I thought it might look nice that you invited her to join you guys, and bad of her if she refuses.

But On 2nd thought, it makes more sense to say it to her, in a way that shows you are NOT pursuing her, but simply didn't want to be rude by shutting her out.

Another option is to bring son, and you invite a friend (or 2 or 3 who also have kids)...and say nothing about the exact identity of who joins you all. Is your son now 4?

It would give some mystery to your GAL-- but what do you think she'd do with that info?

Just curious...

the downside of you inviting her is that she sees it as pursuit AND OR

she says NO and you feel hurt (except if you keep your expectations low, that won't matter so you're left ONLY with the downside of her seeing it as pursuit).

the upside is that she might say yes and you 3 have fun together...

last option---upside of you NOT inviting her is that she might think you are moving on and or, with someone else and or, GAl....and you and son have fun. Even better is if you really do invite someone fun to go as well...

now that I think it out, I like that last option best. Of course, it's your choice buddy.
(( ))

[workinghardguy]

I agree with 25... my W and I are still together though quite troubled. We did just this on Sunday, went to an orchard/pumpkin farm with our two youngest. I did invite her, I did it in person, and kept my expectations very low. In fact for her to go meant some logistical effort on her part so I fully expected a no, but got a yes. And I think it went well...

BUT, and a big but, we're still together. I partly invited her because it would seem odd to the kids for me not to, and we're trying really hard to keep stuff normal for them. I think if I was in your shoes I wouldn't invite her. I would just go and have a really great time with my son. Let my son go tell her what a great time we had. Granted, your son is 3 so that might not work as well on second thought (mine is 5). But you can certainly send him home with "his" pumpkin for mom's house, maybe some apples or something apple-treat related there for mom's house, etc...

Let her see what she's missing out on. Let her see that you're still going to have a life and be a dad with or without her.

If you do invite her I'd do it in person or over the phone, but not by text. That way you can control the message and thus in person is even better. But you have to be sure to control the message so you're not clingy, needy, or desperate. Just sort of "hey we're going on Saturday and thought you might want to come along. No big deal, just let me know".

[jon2911]

Hey alamo,
I actually came across your thread on one of the Christian porn addiction forums, and was surprised to see a link to here. Very cool. I've been here for 4 years, very similar story for me as well, ministry background and porn included. I'm a student at Dallas Seminary, on hold because of the sitch.

Looks like we're at the same step as well, I just responded to the D filing myself. We've been very friendly and had steps to reconciliation over these years, even recently, but she's pushing forward now. I'm going dark, really for the first time in my sitch, and it's really, really hard. Here's my thread if you care to swing by:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2150119&page=8

[alamo76]

Just to add: This time of the month is a very sensitive to me. You see, last year when we went together as a family, my wife was still in her decision phase (i.e. to move on, or stay). We had a blast, I was practicing DB/DRing and our son still has a pretty clear memory of that day.

Later that weekend, my wife decided to "test" me, because she had seen changes and I guess needed to be sure. She asked if we could just chill and have a good time playing 'Risk'; we've always wanted to play that game, but for some reason only just gotten around to buying one earlier that week at a garage sale. Anyway, we're both competitive, but I didn't keep myself in check that night and when my wife started beating me, I didn't hide my unhappiness. I was grumpy and wanted a restart. My wife was very obviously very disappointed with my behavior and what she said next still rings in my head: "...The time we had at the farm, I really thought that we might have a chance, that you've changed. But it's obvious that's not true... you can't even have a relaxing game with your wife without thinking about yourself." It went downhill from there. And ever since then I've wondered what it might've been if I had been more mature, or how different things might've been.

I realize now that when my wife "evaluated" me, it was not in the best interest of us as a couple, but more for her sake. Nonetheless, it remains a truly sour spot in my life.

To respond to your feedback - 25 and Workinghardguy - I'm also (heavy-heartedly) leaning towards NOT asking her to go with us. The reason why I'm burdened by it has to do with 2 things:

1. Our son remembers that day when mommy and daddy and him did something together (pardon me if I'm nostalgic or just a family guy).
2. A few days ago (after he came back from his trip to SC/TN) we were at the dining table eating, and our son suddenly starts giggling. I asked him what's so funny? He points at the family portrait of him, my wife and I. I asked him what's so funny about that. He replied: "Ha-ha, mommy, baby E and daddy in the same picture." That made my heart sink to the abyss; my son is beginning to think his current life is normal. So in my attempt to return some normalcy to his observation, I explained to him that that's how we were before, that daddy loved mommy, mommy loved daddy and we both loved him very much. I also gave him some examples of our close church friends, my wife's friends -- do their mommies, daddies and their children live in the same house? He responded quickly with a "Yes".

[25yearsmlc]

ouch...

go w/o her but gosh, if you have any friends you can invite to join-do so.

and the game of Risk IS a test...for friends and couples...OMG I remember those days.

I hated my bil playing that game, as he was almost cheating (hard to do but he tried) and he became grumpy and irritable the whole night once it was clear he would not win.

Unbelievable behavior for a grown man. My sister and he are divorced now, NOT b/c of the game but b/c of the same character traits of HIS displayed playing that game...

So, okay you blew that game. You were childish...so play it again and don't be.

The 12 steppers have a great phrase that goes something like this:

"Mistakes are not tragedies, but God, let us learn from them."

And have fun with your little E....

[~ kd ~]

I'll add in my two cents here, Alamo...

What would be your intentions to invite your W?

What would be your intentions to NOT invite your W?

What would your W think, if you invited her? IOW, what do you suspect her thoughts might be about YOUR intentions?

So really, in the end... is it really important to invite her to go with you to get a pumpkin? If she wants to get a pumpkin for her place, she can get it herself...

You create your own memories for you and your son...

My W is getting a lot of feedback about my kids having a great time when they're with me... she mentions it to me quite a bit... she's "noticing"... but that does not mean she's telling me she wants to join in... until she does that... *shrug*

[alamo76]

[/b]

And have fun with your little E....

Poor little kiddo (he's 3, btw). Maybe it's that time of the year (you know, family-oriented festivities/holidays), but I begin asking God more fervently to give our son a family that he can grow up enjoying. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc -- he's surrounded by families, he's subconsciously trying to process it and little does he know it's damaging his future.
I can be the best father I can be (which I am), my wife can be the best mother she can be, but God did not create us to be separated like this.

[workinghardguy]

I wouldn't beat yourself up over a game or Risk. Even if you had made it through that game of Risk there would've very likely been some other event soon down the road that would've been the trigger. You hadn't internalized the need for change yet. It hadn't struck home truly and squarely. Sure, had you handled the game differently it might have let things continue for a while longer, but eventually you would've ended up here anyway.

This may seem trivial, but I knew I was ready to internalize change the night after the bomb. For my entire life I've chewed my fingernails. And not in a "here and there" manner either... It has bothered my wife for years, and doubly so when our young son started doing it.

I've quit biting my nails probably a dozen times in the past seven years. She stops smoking and I stop biting my nails. I usually fail within 3-4 days and maybe the longest I've gone is a week.

So the night after the bomb was our anniversary and we went out. I asked her how the no smoking this was going (one week at that point) and pointed out that I hadn't bit my nails in four days (this was before I'd read DR or had a clue, so please, no 2x4s!). Her reply was essentially "I don't really care. You've quit so many times and never stuck with it. I'm not going to believe it until I see you not doing that for a very long time."

So I wanted to say, oh really? Ms. Quit Smoking more times that I can count! But I kept my cool and internalized what she said. I realized she was right. And little did I know it would be a foreshadowing of the things to come.

I've never been ready to internalize something that really bothered her about me. At least not enough to put it first. Unfortunately it has taken a crisis to make that happen. But I'm not going to beat myself up, because that's how humans tend to operate - crisis drives change.

And for the record, I haven't chewed my fingernails for a month now straight. I actually had to look up nail care and stuff like that today because they were getting ridiculously long and I didn't know what the heck to do with them! And if I can do it in the middle of this crapstorm then I figure I should be good

Now if only nail biting was the width and breadth of our issues!

[Redo]

My W is getting a lot of feedback about my kids having a great time when they're with me... she mentions it to me quite a bit... she's "noticing"... but that does not mean she's telling me she wants to join in... until she does that... *shrug*

Yea, these emotions are complicated. I am in a similar boat.

Alamo, do what you feel is right. But yea, make sure you do not appear clingy or needy.

Good luck man!