Once again, I have exceeded 100 posts on my old thread. It's a good and a bad thing. It means I'm still in the midst of this junk, but it also means I am getting a tremendous amount of support from you folks out there!
I'll start off this thread as a normally do with a little introspection and with a message (hopefully an encouraging one) to the newbies.
When I first started this journey, it was sprint. My W was racing toward a D as fast as she could get there. It has really turned out to be a marathon. Remember that if you're reading this and you feel like you're trying to beat the clock right now. There are many of us that feel that way at the beginning and we realize we have more time than we originally thought we had to DB. We don't all get more time than we thought we were going to have, but if you do - this is your chance to re-discover yourself. For me, I have been using to find out what I really want out of life. How can I make a difference? I have seen too many people absolutely devastated by D and living in despair and misery. I decided early on that I didn't want to be THAT guy.
The way I see right now is I'm still in the game. My M situation is looking a little more bleak. If nothing else, I will save myself if I don't save my M. I will also be able to look my S in the eye someday and tell him I did everything possible to save the M.
I left off with a discussion around what my S had shared on Sunday night. A brief summary: he said he saw Mommy holding hands with OM and saw them kiss on the lips in front of him. He was very distraught about it. IMO - total lack of class and very tacky on my W's part.
The skies were clear and the pavement was dry this morning. I doubled up my bike ride and rode 17 miles this morning instead of the usual 8.6. I also finished it in under an hour, so I think I was a little fired up, still.
I opted to burn a DB coach session I still have available to navigate this tricky situation.
If some of you have been following along, my W reached out to me about 3-4 weeks ago and my S had let her have it. He dished out his own 2x4. He told my W he didn't feel like she loved him anymore. He said every time he was with her, she was either on the phone or on the computer. (see why I'm not too surprised about what he told me on Sunday night? ) She said in her text to me that she had heard what she needed to hear and she hadn't been a very good Mommy, but it was the reality check she needed.
My DB coach suggested I use the situation in the above paragraph and follow up on it to get the conversation started. Then, I can mention there's something we need to talk about. At that point, I can bring up what my S told me on Sunday night, and ask her how she thinks we can handle the situation. He said it's probably OK to mention that what she's doing hurts me deeply, but I'll willing to put that aside to take care of my S. Hopefully, this will lead to a productive conversation and won't start a non-productive fight. Heck, TBH, I really don't have that much to lose.
Anyway, with that approach and after talking to my DB coach, I am feeling a lot better today.
Originally Posted By: JustStunned} “What’s the worst thing our S can do D us?” [/quote
Yep, too true! TBH, if everything were based on her actions, I should be the one who wants a D! I can't honestly say where I am right now - if she made a move back toward me, I'll have to cross that bridge if it comes my way.
[quote=JustStunned] I do not get the sense she would intentionally hurt your son, so I think if you can approach this discussion calmly and honorably it will go well.
No, I don't think she would intentionally hurt my S, but she's clearly off in WAS la-la land right now. My objective is for the conversation to be productive. It's not about me being right and her being wrong. It's to advocate my S.
Originally Posted By: JustStunned
My hopes and prayers for a productive outcome are with you .
Our WAS inflict a lot of pain on us, both intentional and unintentional. I also believe that they do 'wake up' and see the havoc they've caused, but it's often too late for the R. I know in my case I sensed it (I was the WAS in 1st M) but really 'got it' after I became the LBS in 2nd M.
JB, I imagine that your W will come to regret her actions, but the big question is the timeframe and if that timeframe coincides with your own 'standing' timeframe. That's the big question...
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Dont think your thread should be "marathon", more of a Tour de France for you LOL
Yeah, it probably would make more sense. OTOH, we say it's a marathon, not a sprint, around here. We don't say it the Tour de France, not a sprint. It's a sinister marathon, too. It's one without mile markers and multiple finish lines.
Originally Posted By: GAL Man
WAW LA LA Land, that is some place that, where do you get a passport to get in there then????
TBH, I've never inquired. I'm not sure I want to go there.
JB, I imagine that your W will come to regret her actions, but the big question is the timeframe and if that timeframe coincides with your own 'standing' timeframe. That's the big question...
Yes, that's a good question. I am not sure exactly what/where my breaking point is. I am not sure what I am willing to forgive. If we go all the way to D, I don't know what'll happen then. I'm just going day to day now.
jb, I know exactly how you feel right now. As our WAS's continue to move further away from us it becomes more unreal. I spent the afternoon thinking, "How did this happen?"
I think you're reaching the point where I was a few weeks ago. The reality of a D is really sinking in, and it's not clear whether to move forward or mark time.
Each of us has our breaking point; we can stand only so much mental and emotional abuse. After that, I think trying to save a marriage that is unsavable borders on masochism.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
) She said in her text to me that she had heard what she needed to hear and she hadn't been a very good Mommy, but it was the reality check she needed.
It's a sinister marathon, too. It's one without mile markers and multiple finish lines.
