Too Tired To Fight

[Valeska19]

My Wife and I met when we were very young. I was 19 and she was 21. I was her first g/f. We were together a month before I left for school in Chicago. Did LDR for 1.5 yrs. She moved to be with me. We married in 06. She is an addict (alcoholic) and an over eater.

Over the years I felt like we had a good relationship. Only looking back now can I see the truth. She would be there for me emotionally but could never let me in. She/I would both get jealous of each other. I was her enabler to not try new things. Our huge marital problems never seem to get solved. We talked about owning a home and having kids multiple times. After awhile I began to fill like crap. That she didn't love me enough. I wasn't attractive enough.

Obviously it wasn't so bad. We shared alot of laughter and affection. It was just one-sided as far as letting someone in. Somewhere I became ok that she couldn't be emotionally present. That I became ok with the fact that she could "be there" for me.. but not the same. After all.. she had a rough childhood. I just became ok.

She started a 12 step program 10 months ago. At first I was jealous of how much time it took away from us (because I just wanted to feel loved). I also grew angry that we stopped trying for a baby that she couldn't deal with it. I didn't see it coming but she dropped the ILYBNIL bomb (well not sure). She said that she needed to think of herself and take care of herself.

For 4 months, that's what we did. I gave my full support. We grew really close and she was honest and emotionally present. In March though she finally said she was sure she wasn't in love with me because she didn't want to work on the marriage because she thought her feelings wouldn't change. She wanted to see what life was like. She wanted to work on herself. Also she saw herself dating guys and wasn't comfortable with the fact she was gay.

We had a loving separation. It was important we didn't hate each other in the end. We went to therapy and for three wks created this amazing relationship. 100% commitment. She said it made her "want to date me in the future". Actually it made me want to date her.

But for the last 5 wks she has taken space. When I talked to her on Saturday, she said she couldn't have me in her live because she is not ready to deal with "all the shame, sadness, and guilt" that surrounds me. She can't be friends with me because that means she has to reconcile with the old her.

She's taken off her wedding band. She is making new friends and the girl is trying really hard to overcome her demons. I know that I am a "big fish" for her. I would love to be important enough to face now.. but I'm not. She really is her #1 priority.

I'm tired. I feel like I'm worth the effort. I feel like I have waited for 9 yrs as her other half.. now I'm suppose to wait in the hope that she will have the guts to look at me. (She's not asking me too..she says I should feel whatever I need to to move on). I feel deep down like we could love each other because of those 3 wks we shared.. however it just feels so over. It feels like she needs to start a new life w/o me.

M(f):28
W:30
Married 5, Together 9
ILBNIL Bomb: 11/10
Separated: 4/11
Status: 3-5 mo separation to decide if we should get back together of go with a divorce.

[Valeska19]

ready to hear people's thoughts

[Valeska19]

Journaling...

My wife emailed me yesterday about a bill that I had asked her to look into 2 months ago and she didn't. Finally did ... probably because she had to when her direct debit didn't kick in.

I'm not going to acknowledge her email. That's a 180 for me. I actually deleted it because she ended it with "hope you're well" and I was trying to read into it. Then it kinda just bothered me having it in my inbox.. so I deleted it. Felt better instantly.

Really trying to eliminate all contact with her. Hid her facebook feed, hid her gchat. She says she doesn't want me in her life and isn't really making an effort. Her actions speak the truth.

I'm having a hard time reading DB. I'm taken alot of advice from the forums but actually reading the book has been difficult. I feel like I spent so much time working on my marriage. I feel like I don't want to in many ways. She's not showing me anything, why should I keep fighting. I know DBing betters myself. I witness that with GALing.. but other than that, what else can I learn?

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Valeska19]Journaling...

My wife emailed me yesterday about a bill that I had asked her to look into 2 months ago and she didn't.

I'm not going to acknowledge her email. That's a 180 for me.

Val,
Sorry you are here, but it's a great place to come, for a lousy reason.


Okay so it's a 180 and that's why you did it. I can see that IF it's a bill that won't hurt you by ignoring it. I didn't see the email but saying "hope you're well" is polite. It may sound condescending or as if she doesn't "get" how you feel and guess what? She doesn't.

She's on her own journey now and a 12 step program that works IS life changing. I hope you do wish her recovery well. You sound as if you would prefer her being an addict and alcoholic if it meant being with you.

Is that true? And if so, Is that loving?



12 step programs that work, are the start of a big journey and it's hers, and this is likely a part of her recovery process.


She may well end up coming back to you after she deals with her "demons" on her own. Like you said, you married very young and SHE had some serious issues to start with. She was not done growing up. BY THE WAY, HOW OLD IS SHE NOW? I'm going to STRONGLY recommend you read the book "Co-dependent No More"...

As for NOT reading DB books, it's really a bare minimum effort on your part.

I don't know anyone here who has not read them after a short time. I cannot imagine what I'd get out of this site if I had not read the bookS cover to cover 3 times...Seriously


IF you cannot read a book to save your marriage, then you shouldn't expect a lot in return. Sorry but come on...you will get a lot more out of THIS site after you have read it...

I personally preferred Div Remedy b/c the first book spends a lot of time on why divorce is bad, but you already want to save this so use the Div Rem book b/c it has more 'how to" in it.


I actually deleted it because she ended it with "hope you're well" and I was trying to read into it. Then it kinda just bothered me having it in my inbox.. so I deleted it. Felt better instantly.


It's done and you felt better. Okay...don't read into...ask or think positively. Remember, the PMA and acting "as if."

Really trying to eliminate all contact with her. Hid her facebook feed, hid her gchat. She says she doesn't want me in her life and isn't really making an effort. Her actions speak the truth.


Maybe, maybe not. I wrote things in my journal 4-6 years ago and at the time I believed what I wrote. Today, I don't. Just b/c she says or does something now, does NOT make it true, or true forever, and you do not have to react.

Focus ON YOUR LIFE and own what you need to own in the problems.


Your post almost exclusively focussed on HER behaviors...I didn't see anything about YOU or your behavior...or mistakes or things you wish YOU had done differently...why not?

you cannot do anything about HER behavior. [u]But you can change you.[/u] And since a Marriage is a relationship between 2, if one changes, the Relationship has to change, by definition.

I'm having a hard time reading DB. I'm taken alot of advice from the forums but actually reading the book has been difficult.

READ THE DANG BOOK...You cannot have taken the advice much b/c surely others have said, "read the books"...

You will get MUCH more out of our advice if you know the concepts, plus we won't have to explain things to you that you'd already know...

Plus it's a SYMPTOM of a "don't make ME work on THIS b/c I just want her to come back" attitude if you cannot read[b] the book that provides the basis for this solution based therapy/b].


This is NOT like other approaches to relationships. So you have to read the book and honestly, if you "can't"...

then you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself how much you want this...[/color



What would be different now in your marriage, IF she came back?

You have to understand that if you have not changed at all, then in her mind there's no reason to return. If she thought the marriage was a good one, she would not have left.

Sounds as if you both are revising the relationship's history. No need to do that at your end. She has to so she can feel justified so she's coming up with negatives...do NOT fuel those negatives...counter them with positives and 180s.


that doesn't make her "right" but it does mean you have to project a different you, so she knows things could be different.

So look inside, b/c the real journey is an inward one.

I'd suggest you read "The Five Love Languages" and the other book on addiction and co=dependency b/c they'd help you in ANY relationship, but esp yours...but if you won't read the DB book, I don't know what to suggest. [color:#FFCCCC]

Own your part in this and grow from it. Yes it does make you a better person.


Finally, focus on YOU b/c you are the only one YOU have any control over. Be the author of your life.

[25yearsmlc]

PS

TRY to post on Only ONE thread so we can find you and it's much easier to follow.


Good luck, hang in there. This is very new for you but if you look at my signature below,

you will see that these things take TIME...but they can work out.

Also what was with the baby decision? Sounds as if she made a smart choice if she was using, NOT to get pregnant...correct?

[Valeska19]

25 yrs.

Thank for your response. It was hard to hear but has given me alot to think about.

She's on her own journey now and a 12 step program that works IS life changing. I hope you do wish her recovery well. You sound as if you would prefer her being an addict and alcoholic if it meant being with you.

Is that true? And if so, Is that loving?

You're right. It's not loving. As much as I want to wish her well.. I am angry at her for walking away from our marriage. All the changes that she is making are things that I wanted in our marriage for yrs.. and now that she is doing it with other people.. I'm mad. I wasn't really angry until she told me that she didn't want me in her life because she wasn't ready to deal with me and all the shame and guilt she has surrounding us.


BY THE WAY, HOW OLD IS SHE NOW? I'm going to STRONGLY recommend you read the book "Co-dependent No More"..

She's 30 and I am reading Co-Dependent No More. I'm trying to figure out how to detach but I can't seem to do it in love right now. All it is bring up is feelings about how she emotionally abused me (which I never really acknowledged) and it has me pissed off.

As for NOT reading DB books, it's really a bare minimum effort on your part.
I know.

Your post almost exclusively focussed on HER behaviors...I didn't see anything about YOU or your behavior...or mistakes or things you wish YOU had done differently...why not?

Mostly because all I can see are things that make me really sad/angry. I know I was her enabler but I just thought I was loving her. I loved her "as is". If she didn't want to get better, I didn't pressure her to change or make her feel bad if she failed. If she was scared, I let that be ok. I had no idea that it helped keep her "emotionally detached" She says I'm a crutch and she uses me because I'm safe, will never leave, and helps her stay the same.

Things that I wished I would have changed are that I would have not let her put me down, or make me feel like I wasn't good enough, let her make me feel like I wasn't worth anything or that it wasn't ok that I was gay. I'm working on that now - but again its causing anger (I'm starting to see a trend.)[/color]

What would be different now in your marriage, IF she came back?
[color:#FF0000]I don't really know. I only seen a glimpse into the woman she is becoming. I am hoping it would be more loving and 50/50 with emotional support.. I feel like I am more positive and happier with life. I am more caring and less selfish. I work hard at those things every day. [/color]

Obviously I need more space. I think my negative feelings are valid.. but I do want to be happy for her changes as well. I think that will come with time, but it something I need to start really working on.

[Valeska19]

PS.
How do I thread?

She's been dry alot longer than OA. It was more of just every time we tried to a child, she always found a reason to pull away.

[25yearsmlc]

val,

sorry I'm ignorant about this, but how do you get the baby? does she have it with a donor?

I have had 3 kids and pregnancy, though a miraculous experience, is not easy physically. Maybe the weight gain was part of it?




I would say I still have baby weight on me but my youngest is 13...



Your anger is natural and some would argue it's helpful in that it makes you not be a doormat...which I get but


I found myself going into circles mentally and "looping" around with the same old "Why??? How can he???" crap. I told everyone I met what my h was doing "to me and the kids"



which meant that for me, MY anger was consuming ME...and making me less available to my kids, who needed me....


So I had to lose the anger, at least in front of h b/c guess what? Anger is NOT attractive


and since the goal here is to 1) save yourself and 2) save the marriage (in that order)


I had to lose it. How? By letting go of the past, really.


Making it about the positives H had, and what we could build "from this day forward", and not focussing on the negatives


if he had an addiction though that would have had to be addressed-I would not look away both for his sake and mine and ANY babies coming our way would need TWO healthy parents...



you are right to look at that issue in your m and your own role...it [censored] but you have to do it


or you'll repeat the behavior with her or someone else


If you find yourself in a relationship with someone a lot like HER, look in the mirror and ask yourself WTH you are doing?


If her journey is about not being gay, in part, then I know that hurts but realize there are people who are still finding their way just as you must have when you discovered you were gay, and also you did commit to each other very YOUNG...


there are some on this site whose


spouses have left them for same sex partners...it's ROUGH! I get it.


But you have some things YOU can do, no matter what SHE is up to


and she has not been gone long by DB standards...did you check MY signature below?


Yeah....it succccskkks, (I'm hoping they don't edit that way of spelling it)


but welcome to this board. It's the best place to be for a horrible reason



BUT YOU WILL COME OUT OF THIS ON THE OTHER SIDE....A BETTER PERSON

So do the DB work... and hang in there.

[Valeska19]

We did have a anonymous donor. Even tried a couple times. She went from being really happy about it to not being ready. I know it wasn't easy for her. Her ovulation was off so tracking was really hard for us. She got defeated. She shut me out.

This is one of many things for her with the same outcome. Her buying a gym membership, not going. Her being on a diet, but not sticking to it. Her saying she would take care of the bills, but letting them slide. Her saying she wanted to be emotional present, but couldn't be.

I know her recovery is a good thing for her. I spent alot of time crying yesterday because of realizing that I would rather her be with me.. than be healthy".

I look back at the 7 months of understanding and being supportive and how it "confused" her and make her really sad. She kept saying that "if you only handled this like a bitch, this would have been easier" or when we separated she was like "it makes me really sad that we found this kind of support and love this late".

She's told me she's on the step where she's looking at how she hurt others. I'm sure I'm on that list (she's made many comments about how much she has to apologize to me for). I don't know if that's why she decided to stop talking to me. I guess in the end it doesn't matter.

I'm thinking about opening my own bank account. I've always taken care of our finances. The last time I spoke to her, she had made a big purchase (that we talked about) but forgot to replace it from the savings. I had to remind her - which is something I always do. However, its not like she is spending money like crazy. She makes enough and even still pays for my insurance and a couple of our shared bills (ie: cell, car insurance, etc).

I want to get my own account for two reasons. One - I don't want to be her enabler. She always said she knew I would take care of things.. so she didn't have to. She was like if I get my own place than I will have to be accountable for my money, my laundry, my bills, cleaning my own place. I can't tell if she is being accountable or not with money. It's hard when we both pump all of our money into one account.

The 2nd reason is because it just hurts looking at the account. It's like looking at her FB page. I get to see what she is doing and enjoying without me.

I feel like I have backslidden a little bit. The past two wks I have been angry which have allowed me to move on a little bit. Yesterday and today, I feel like compassion for her. The anger keeps me from being sad that we're over. My compassion just makes me want to keep trying.

Ok.. I'm done running around in circles in my head.

[Valeska19]

Journaling..
Pride was this weekend. Haven't been to one since 05. It was full of mixed emotions. Sadness that my wife wasn't joining me. Anger that she was too ashamed of us to be part of the LGBT community. We had excuses but in all honesty.. she just wasn't comfortable. More sadness when all the women I saw wasn't half as attractive as my w. But happy that women hit on me. I haven't felt attractive for a long time. That felt nice.

Still struggling with what to do with my w. I feel each day I get stronger as an individual. I know DBing is for me.. I'm enjoying the new life that I'm building. It's hard to fight for a relationship that was broken or one that doesn't exist.

Thankfully I am NCing. Time and space.. really does wonders.