doing a good job today keeping things light, and i dont feel freaked out or worried. i think its a bit of self control, and trying to keep that red stop sign up to stop me from thinking about things too much.
one thing she told me last night was i dont tell her much about me and whats going on with me day, but always want to the letter details of her day. i never meant for it to feel like an interogation, it was just something i would ask a lot of questions, maybe for the wrong reasons. so i have tried to keep her up to speed on my day, even though its kind of boring at work, and she has responded in kind, its nice. even if she didnt respond i would do my best to tell her about my day and not have any expectation of her telling me about her's.
self control. this is really the root of all my evil. looking at a couple books to get... hold onto your N.U.T.s and the 40 day love dare.
i have to blow away my old belief system reguarding relationships. a beginners mind.
let things lighten up a bit. You don't literally have to entertain her with a fascinating story of the day. My h is a doctor who literally saves lives and for several years my law job was boring as hell, comparatively. So I let HIM talk OR we spoke of current events, our hobbies, etc.
Are you interestED and interestING? It's part of GAL and you can talk about those things too.
Rent some comedies (laughter is a great bonder, a turn on for some)
and or rent some chick flicks (YOU CAN HANDLE IT!!).
OR go OUT and see a live show (they require full focus when you attend live shows/plays.)
but if money is tight, rent something fun.
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
so she wanted me to pretty much grab kids and go again tonight. this has been a theme for a while. different excuses usually. i said that was find, and for the most part did just that.
kids say things that cut without trying. i guess baby daddy was over to hang out with them a few times. i didnt ask to know, i kind of dont want to cause it just causes conflict, but when she doesnt tell me it goes back to feeling like she is hiding things.
i was not allowed to have a night out this week, her family thought i was pushing too hard for a night without kids and jumped to the conclusion that i was sleeping with someone. i guess its still to be expected, but before she lost the house i had 3 nights week without kids. so for that to be the reason why i cant go out now seems silly?
we parted on good terms, she seemed happy and we joked around a bit, i thought it was in good fun and she sounded like she was going to text me later.
no text yet. ah well.
got the kids in bed and playing around on the computer a little, making some cd's from my itunes so i can play some music tomorrow and work in the garage.
going to my families house for lunch dinner so that should be fun, and have the next 4 days off. i have nothing planned with my wife, and asked her if she would like to do something with me and she already started tossing excuses at me, so i kind of let it go. not as nicely as i wanted to, so im sure she thought i was mad about it
so all in all a good day. yeah bothered a bit by baby daddy being around, and never really making or wanting to do anything with me, but its getting easier to not worry about it. not perfect yet and things still hurt and sting, but for the most part im trying to act like she is gone at this point, which is sad. but of my own doing.
this is hard. i know a lot of this situation is my fault, and karma coming back around on me. but wow it [censored] and is hard!!
have not heard from her since got the kids last night. now im going over the exchange a bit more trying to figure out if i upset her or what. i read way too many things from little things. i just want to call and text her right now but i cant. so i popped in to post here.
i dont feel like in the past where i would be kind of freaking out not talking to her, im pretty calm, just find it crappy we are not talking is all. all the little things even in the past 3 months she used to do that doesnt do now, all the advice from her family to bail on me.
anyway, props to all of you that stay the course. its hard!
had a good day at my parents yesterday, made a point of not talking about wife so that i could enjoy myself, and frankly it felt good. got one text from her about stuff she might like to get for a garage sale, didnt really respond cause didnt know what to say. i have sent her 1 text couple hours before, just kinda of telling her a bit about my morning.
got 1 more texts later on in the evening basically asking how my day went and a you never responded to my message.
then a second bout 30 minutes later asking if i was ignoring her on purpose she had not heard back from me all day. and then went thru what she had for dinner and goodnight.
i was at my parents so i really didnt see them, i didnt mean to ignore them, but it was kind of a 180 for me as i almost obsesivly check my phone. by the time i saw the messages later on i figure she would have been asleep.
so ill send her something her soon, maybe not too much detail, but i dont want to be rude. anyway getting kids ready for school. 1 of the 4 days passed already and she really has not tried to do too much. guess i get a 10 for yesterday since we didnt dicuss or fight. didnt even really talk at all.
have not updated here in a couple days... because of me cheating on her she wanted to know about this site, so i dont feel i can post my thoughts as much now.
thought i was doing with the days i wasnt disscusing... til yesterday where i we ended up doing it for far too long. ill start again today but after yesterday it feels like there will be no point.
so i have DV classes i go to every week. i have 3 kids. wife watches kids for me so i can go to class. this week she was late and i missed the class. i dont know what the consequences are for missing it, we will see. but she has been late almost every morning to watch kids as well so i can go to work.
so ended up talking and discussing the night i missed class. several times i thought she was going to tell me it was over and be done. i think i almost told her the same thing a few times. i dont know where we are going from here.
she thinks i have never showed her any value, that i could replace her at any point. i dont know how to convince her otherwise.
on a side note, these tools do work. when you use them. i do feel better about myself, and i have seen some changes, im just not good enough to stick too them long enough to have them become the change i need. i am better, but still far from where i would like to be.
the part that im super stuck at, is that things have been better, are they perfect yet? no but damn there have been so many signs that things are better, and with support from her they would continue to get better, and we both know so much more now that we will never fall back into the old habits that was our old relationship. this is what i told her and it just leads me down more cheeseless tunnels and basically a mouse is smarter than me.
she did say that im not following the advice here, so i need to re-read it and follow it. as its good.
im sure no one will be surprised by this update but i once again had a discussion with my wife.
kids have been at my house last 2 weeks every night, so i asked if i could have a night without kids, i was planning on seeing a movie or trying to talk some of the guys from work to go out for a bit, or at worst go hang out with my mom and dad.
she was driving kids back to my house, and when i asked if she could either stay here with them or take them to her moms friday night she got mad. i had thought i had asked her several times earlier in the week, she thought i had not. she stated that she was getting up early doing a yard sale on saturday, and she still would have to come back and pick up kids sat morning as i work, so i thought, hey they would already be there, easy peazy. guess not.
we have been doing 50/50 with the kids for a while, we argue some about how she has helped me when i needed, i state the same saying i have helped her...
i had asked her to stay sat night and watch a movie, she said she didnt know, now she says i have an answer. no.
i dont think im mad at this point, not really upset, just kind of feel numb, i ask her what she wants from me, she says... i dont want anything from you.
im not using good I statements, im not using any conflict resloution. earlier in the day we talked about kids dinner time and bed time, she always thinks i make all the decisions, we are about a half hour off in what we both want for a bed time. i ask for her input, she makes some comments about how i didnt start being a dad til the last year and a half, and now i act all high and mighty about how my way is best for our kids. now i know i could have done more with my kids, but it hurts me a lot to have her tell me i wasnt even a good father, growing up, my belief system was the guy goes and makes the money, the girl stays home, its what my mom and any other family i can remember did. so to me, i thought i was a pretty good dad, i worked and made the money for the house. could i have done more around the house when i was off, absolutely!! but i thought i was at least doing close to my share. and on a second note, my oldest is 7, so a year and a half of doing the right thing with them, is a really big chunk of their lives. so to finish about the bed times and dinner, i suggest i can move up my dinner times, if she would push back her bedtimes a little bit. i was looking for 8 or so for the youngest, as i get home anywhere from 730-8, i could then see all my kids each day and help put them in bed when i get home. the answer i got for that suggestion of comprimise was, 'fine'. i even state, im not trying to steamroll you here, if you have any other thoughts or suggestions, or reasons why we should do it differently... still the same 'fine' response.
i know i always forget bits, we truly do talk or discuss too much. 2 last trains of thoughts...
somehow i get into asking for her to 'jump in' on this with me, and telling her i have changed a lot, i know i have more work, but if i could get some support from her it would help us grow together and to tackle all of these issues, she basically said she doesnt want to be my lap dog again. that is she were to try and support me, that she would just have to fall back into doing everything for me and nothing for herself. i try to explain that we both know we dont want to fall back into that, so we could stop it from happening, i know im beating a dead horse here, she doesnt see any change. heck maybe i dont show her change, i mean here we are talking... again.
last thought, we end up talking about what she needs or wants from me, she started in on how she barely has a car that works, no place to live, and started to get upset...
well i picked up the rope here big time, she has always blamed me for everything, even if i call her and her cell, she will blame me for the kids tearing up the house while talking to me, or well pretty much anything. and she is right, i played a huge part in how our life is right now.
either way, i said... "sounds like you are playing the victim still, i have offered you a house, we are exchanging cars, you have 3 wonderful kids that love you, a husband who does everything he can to support you"
well i had to text most of that since after i called her a victim, she told me F- you and hung up.
so thats where im at. she knows i hate being hung up on, and she has not answered my call last night or this morning.
i know i have not posted a lot here, but her and i have been playing this game for a 1 1/2. as much as i dont want to admit it, maybe i cant change for her, and she would be better off with baby daddy... i want her to be happy. would rather it be with me, but i dont know if she can see herself happy with me. i dont think i have enough time, specially since i still do not have control of my own self yet...
still nothing from her today. doing my best to let her be and not pursue. pretty much feel like i cant win at this point. i feel like i have tried to help her with so many things. house/car/money/kids...
she was seeing baby daddy today too. the one who is still chasing her and just waiting for me to mess up. do i have awesome timing or what?
