I've started a new thread on this forum as things have changed since my last post.
Basically I've messed up my marriage.
I have been married for 12 years to the love of my life, we have 2 great great kids, but I have messed it all up through drink.
In the last 5 years my drinking has gone from socialable to drinking heavily at home, distancing myself from family and friends, mood swings and bad temper.
It all came to a head 12 months ago when my wife left me, I begged, cried and did all the usual, I went to the doctors, who prescibed my anti-deppressant, I tried to blame it all this, not the drink, and started to drink again.
I pressured my wife into divorce, saying either we try to make it work or divorce me, guess what, she divorced me!! haha
She asked to move back into the house, but wanted me out, I agreed as this was best for the kids.
I now have an appartment, and see the kids 3 nights a week.
I have found out she has met someone else, expected to really she is an attractive woman, it made me really look at me, I read the books again, I got so tied up in me and drinking I gave up looking at them and this site, I hate what drink has done to me and my family, and I am determined to stop drinking for good, I have never really done this before, but I hate it for what it has done to me.
I have made some major changes to me, I'm like a different person, I have been working out, lost weight, feel good, and can see that I want my family back.
In the past month my relationship with my wife has changed in a major way.
I was angry, and we argued, she told me she hated me and didn't want to speak to me again.
Then in the last month, I have changed, I'm polite, friendly, she knows I'm not drinking, the kids are always phoning me, telling me they miss me and love me, she hears all this from them. But we are starting to talk again, in a nice way, not telling each other we love one another, but we talk about work, the kids, the past!! without any arguing or shouting.
In the past few weeks we have had conversations on the phone for well over an hour on 3-4 occasions, this is very new!!!
She tells me how much I hurt her and how she felt, I agree totally and tell her I'm so sorry.
I tell her that I will never drink or hurt her again, that I've messed up the best thing in my life, but its now time to put it all behind me and move on.
I have told her that I will always love her, but I have to let her go for all our sakes, I don't want to argue or hurt her again.
We have another court hearing in November, and she asked me about it, I said divorce is just a word to me now, I'm not going to get angry about it, our marriage was dead when I started to drink, and its best that its over.
I have not asked her for anything, no future, no love, nothing, I have just listened, apoloigised and promised never to do anything to hurt her again.
She keeps telling me its going to get hard for me not to drink, and not to get carried away, I agree with her, but tell her that I hate drink for what its done to us all, I don't want a drink, I hate it!!!!
She told me last night after a 2 hour conversation, that she will always be there for me if I needed a chat and someone to talk to, this is a massive turn around for us, in the period of 3-4 weeks.
I told her thanks, but I will try to get on with things without bothering her, I have to try and move on, we laughed and joked, and ended it with a cheerful bye.
She told me that she loved me more than anything in the world when we were together and that she wanted me to changed and see the issues before all this happened, but said she had to leave for me to see sense and for her own good.
I love my wife, I've messed up, but I do see something slowly changing, we talk!!!
Its not hugging or kissing, but we talk!!!, this is a big big step.
Am I getting carried away with things, or is this the start of very small baby steps??
Either way I'll be ok, but like I told her last night, I miss my best friend, and thats the hardest thing thats happened to me.
After my post yesterday morning, my wife and I spoke a lot during the day even though we are both at work.
It started with a call from her over something trivial, and then continued with calls from her over the course of the day.
She was asking about if I had arranged to attend an AA meeting, when I told her I had, she was pleased.
She then told me that she had attended a meeting herself when we were together to get some advice on me!!
I was totally taken back and had no idea, but she said that she loved me that much, and she wanted me to change that she tried everything, but what she did say was that she didnt do anything about it, or tell me in case it made the situation worse.
It really made me sad that I have lost a person who loved me that much.
Last night we had our, now daily, conversation about me, and the past.
Again she told me things about how she had felt during when we were together and I was drinking, she is still very hurt by what has happened.
I just promised to never hurt her again, and to be the best father my kids could ever have.
It was all very nice and caring, I know she still loves me deeply, I didnt ask if she did, but I told her that I had been an idiot, I had lost the love of my life, and I was determined to beat this.
I don't know if this marriage can be saved to be honest as there is a lot of hurt still there, but I will be the best personI can be in the future.
But it is nice to speak to my wife, and best friend, daily without arguing, and to be honest with my feelings and thoughts to her.
It is just so sad that 2 people that love each other so much have had this much pain through drink. I said this to her last night, she was very quiet, and said yes, it is very sad.
I love my wife and family so much, I hate myself for waht has happened.
Had a quiet day yesterday, didn't hear from my wife all day, no reason to really.
As I was driving home after work, she called me, it was about 1 of the kids, it was nothing really and didnt need to be said, as she was about to hang up, she asked if I was going to the AA meeting, I said I was, and she said call me afterwards.
So later I went to the meeting, I was very nervous, but once I was there it was great, I was very welcome, and they made me feel relaxed. I just listened to what people were saying, and it was clear to me this is what I needed, and it made me more determined to sort myself out.
When I came out I just wanted to be with my family, I called my wife, and said would she mind if I came and saw the kids for a little time, she was great and said no problem, I asked if she needed anything so I could use it as an excuse for just turning up at 9.30, so I took some bread.
The kids were really surprised to see me, but really happy, they were cuddling me and telling me they loved me, it was great just to be with them. She asked me how it went, and I said I'd call her later when the kids were not there, she agreed, so I stayed for a while then left.
I called her later and she wanted to know everything, what was said, how I felt, etc, really interested about it.
We spoke about me, and my determination to get over this, she then said, you have an illness, and I know you will sort it out. She then said that I was a loving, caring person, she truely knew that, and that drink had changed me over the last few years. She said I was very brave to be doing what I am, but she knew I would beat it.
We spoke somemore about the past, etc, then said bye.
This woman,still cares for me, and I love her with all my heart.
I told her that I wish I had sorted this a lot earlier and that we would have had a chance, but I think its possibly too late now, she never said anything to that.
I'm going to back off her, not call her and give her space, she makes all the calls to me, she knows I'm changing, and she likes the change, but she is still very hurt and probably very scared off even thinking of giving me a chance.
I love her and my family dearly, I'm not sure if I will get them back, but I know I will be a better person, and a person that they want to spend time with.
Its 9.15am here, and my wife has just called me already!!
She was telling me about the kids arrangements today, and then a few funny stories about what the kids have been up too, we both laughed at how funny they are, inthe things they do and say.
She was then asking about me again, I said I was fine, felt great, and knew I was going to be ok. But I told her that even though I was very positive about the future and my wellbeing, I was still upset about the hurt I had caused her and that even though I was fine, I still missed and loved my wife and family and that is the only negative.
She listened, never said anything, no its too late, or its your fault, she just listened. I then said I was a good person, and I will be a good person, I just got lost in drink.
She said she knew all that, I don't want to get carried away with things, but we are really getting on well.
She is interested in me, my feelings, she knows I'm addressing my issues, I can see hope, it's very distant and a real longshot, but there is hope.
I just have to maintain my changes, and hopefully in time, I will have my wife and family back with their caring, loving husband and father, rather than the drunken stranger who has been living with them over the last few years.
DCSUK, This is great stuff! So that was your first meeting?
These are baby steps for sure, and very hopeful.
Keep posting, and keep going to those meetings. My issue was a sex and porn addiction, and I go to recovery meetings for that at my church. Lots of good AA guys there as well.
I'm excited for you and will keep following your thread. Keep up those meetings!
Me: 30 W: 28 T 8, M 6 S: 7-27-2007 W filed (again) 3-2011 Served 8-2011 Responded, now dark "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK
Thanks Jon, yes it was my first meeting and it won't be my last!!
Life is good at the moment, not great but good, and I'm happy for that My wife is calling me loads, I have the kids, but we are laughing and joking!! What a turn around!! We are getting on great and we seem to be both enjoying it
It's my son's birthday on Sunday, and I was taking him and my daughter for lunch before dropping of at wife's, but she has mentioned coming out to join us!!! She asked my son would he like it and he said yes, he is very happy about it!!!
She called me today to ask if I'd got him a birthday card yet, I said I still had to get him one, but she just said that she could sign her card off both of us!!!! This seems massive to me, but I don't want to get too carried away by it!!
So in general I'm very happy how things are, and I just hope I'm on my way to getting my wife and family back
I took the kids for lunch, it was my sons birthday, and my wife came to join us, it was great, we laughed, the kids enjoyed it and I think she did
She was asking about my clothes, how I was, and seemed to be checking me out!!
I was meeting friends straight after, so when we left she told me to call her later if I got chance!!
I met friends and had a great time, I couldn't get a signal at my friends, so I didn't call her I ended up staying over at my friends, I didn't drink, but it was a late one!!
Anyway as I was driving home the next morning she called me, asking if I had a good time, etc. We spoke about things generally, all good, she asked if I had a drink, and seemed pleased when I said no She asked me if I was doing anything with the kids, I said I didnt have anything planed with them, but it would be nice, she asked them, and they both wanted to see me
I got home and changed and then went and took the kids out, she was all smiles and it was great to see her again It's really strange at the moment, it's like we are all back together, but we aren't? I'm just really enjoying things at the moment, we are getting on really well, the kids are happy, so I'm happy!!!
I don't want to get carried away, but it's all good!
I know she went for a meal with her sister a few nights ago, her sister has been divorced before, but she really likes me and we have always got on really well I can't help but think that she might have told her it's worth trying to make us work??
I don't know, if I'm right, but I do know everything is really good between us, I just hope we can work things out I love my wife and family so much
I feel good not drinking, and I'm enjoying going to the gym I'm enjoying my kids, so I am aware of what's working, but, I am also really enjoying my relationship and friendship with my wife
Would I be happy if we weren't getting on, yes, I think I would, but maybe not as happy as I am now
I cannot deny I'm very hopeful of getting her back, but if I don't I'll still be ok
