the LOL is not meant to be a joke or anything, its something i have always done. i think its mostly to laugh at myself for never doing something before or to take some of the seriousness out of what i say? im not 100% sure to be honest i dont realize im doing it most times.
as far as her job and control, its my belief system that is holding me up being more supportive. not saying my belief is right at all, but when she spends so much time away from the family, we have 3 kids S7,S5,D3 and her having another on the way to add to our family, and doesnt bring back anything for all of the work put in, i see it as not as valuable. again, a belief system i have that if your working its helping to support the family, something i know i have to change.
and as far as critisizing what she doesnt do... i know thats a HUGE issue for me. ive never been good at telling her good job, or celebrating the small things, instead always picking at why she didnt do more, or think about calling me when she got home and was so tired she passed out... i have been working really hard to not do those things to her, and bring them more here, yes i have done a lot of bad things to her and i was not helpful... and i no longer want to keep score, i can be who i am, hopefully working towards a person i can be proud of, that someone would be wanting and willing to be in a relationship with.
i know i need to do a better job in my expectations, of myself and her.
i literally am not strong enough for this. i made it one day and discussion came up and away i ran with it. again. i could see her check out. but instead of stopping i think if i keep talking ill get myself out of this.
i do not think im good enough to do this. i have no self control or patience and i will lose her before i gain them. broke down and cried.
she said one thing to me, that was a blessing and a curse. she thinks i can change, just not with her. im used to bulldozing over her feelings too much and i cant change for her.
what if shes right? why do i feel like i can do this but not when her and i get together? i really did fail again. how many more times can i keep reseting before shes gone.
i keep re-reading advice in these posts and other situations.
i re-read the book last night. one part hit home, the story in DR about the wife who wanted a trial separation, and it turned into a full by his pursuing. thats total me. how do i STOP.
i get to talking, see it went bad then talk some more to try and get myself out of it... its soooo horrible.
do i really not care about her enough to stop? am i too set in my ways to change? is it truly that i cant control her and this is the last thing i have left is talking? just trying to figure myself out before its too late.
any books to try or advice? i know im making a choice here, and its the wrong one. why do i have no respect for her boundries?
so one issue i could not let go with my wife was that she still had a picture of her and baby daddy as a couple on her facebook page. i asked her to take it down nicely a few times, and sort of fought about it last night...
well she took it down, and all the pictures of her and i. guess i got what i wanted and pushed her away from me even more. im a rock star.
time is not my friend, cause patience is what i have to show her, and i cant do that in 1 day. how to learn patience. /sigh
I understand how hard it is, but you MUST stop pursuing and you do need to practice patience. Like you, I am a very impatient person and this has been a very humbling experience for me. Remember, these problems did not occur overnight, and they won't be fixed overnight either. If you cannot handle speaking with her without going into R talk, then don't speak to her.
You are pushing her further and further to the door.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
i did ok for 10 of 14 days, then its been like every other day now... still not good enough.
i asked her... i know this was a discussion topic... but i said, if i really stopped discussions all the time, would you work on this with me... and she said yes. not getting my hopes up, cause its an easy way to end a start of a discussion, but i have my marching orders.
marching orders that i knew, and everyone here knows and reminds me of daily. SHUT UP BRAD! lol need to tape it to my forhead or something
i did a good job not talking to her as she left last night so she could try and get a little more sleep.
she has been having braxton Hicks type contractions the last few days, and our 3 kid was born on week 31, she is 28 weeks along now. i know i cant talk too much about anything to her, but it feels pretty scary she doesnt have a plan still on where to live. if the baby comes out now what will she do? if the doctor orders bed rest? i know all of these things are not my issue, and nothing i can do about it except let her make her own choices, just hard to stand by and know im partly the cause of all of this and her not feeling comfortable.
i did ask her about retrouvaille as there is one coming up near us in mid Oct
we did briefly go back thru the last week, and rated the days 1-10 (1 being bad for her, 10 being a good day) for me discussing stuff, we marked them on a calendar. few things that were helpful for me on that... its either all or nothing for her, i ended up with 2 10's 1 9, 2 3's and a 2. so in the last 6 days 3 good 3 bad.
goals: i know these need to be more specific but rough idea so far
-no talking about baby daddy (fastest path to discussion) -aim for 3 consecutive 9 or 10 score days. -temper expectation, and notice any changes!! not just the ones i want to see! -show patience and understanding in any decision she makes, even if i dont agree. -compliment her for doing something, dont be critical how it was done or what she didnt do.
goals for myself: -study for certification 2 hours each day i work -get out of the house with kids, park/friends/family/anything -use the big red stop sign when my thoughts wander (i think waaaay to much, have a lot of time on my hands even with kids home it seems) -get the dryer moved into basement -get kids clothes hung up
Don't say you cannot afford a therapist or counselor or db coach b/c trust me
divorce costs more...a lot more.
You need help. That's alright. I did too. You do too. Get it. ASAP...maybe there's a chance.
At least you know she needs a place to stay. SHE knows this too. Trust me, SHE is wondering about it.
It's your battle to lose b/c you offer her a place WITH her other children and a home...
so don't blow this. You have material advantages but personal disadvantages.
You control those. (OR you should)
so make the call for help today
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
the above post did scare and worry me a little. its not that i can afford a C, i just thought i was using the DV classes to help me out, and had been picking up a lot of book knowledge and tools that i could use.
do i use these tools yet, not its not habit yet to actively listen, and to reflect my wifes feelings back to her, ive been selfish and controlling for my whole life, so as much as i want, the behaviors dont change over night just cause i want them too, i have to work on it and use self discipline and control which i have never really worried about before.
one of the things my class had us do this week was write a letter to ourselves as if we were the spouse. my wife read this and thought i was in her head is was so close to accurate that she was a little upset that i knew all of these things about her, yet i still didnt really know her by the actions i still show her.
im going to re-read all the advice in my thread, make sure im not missing something, but if anyone is still seeing some behavior jumping out at them that im still showing and doing in my updates, please tell me, im not here to win. i want to be happy.
the above post did scare and worry me a little. its not that i can afford a C, i just thought i was using the DV classes to help me out, and had been picking up a lot of book knowledge and tools that i could use.
do i use these tools yet, not its not habit yet to actively listen, and to reflect my wifes feelings back to her, ive been selfish and controlling for my whole life, so as much as i want, the behaviors dont change over night just cause i want them too, i have to work on it and use self discipline and control which i have never really worried about before. This^^^ is why I suggest getting a c.
one of the things my class had us do this week was write a letter to ourselves as if we were the spouse. my wife read this and thought i was in her head is was so close to accurate that she was a little upset that i knew all of these things about her, yet i still didnt really know her by the actions i still show her.
im going to re-read all the advice in my thread, make sure im not missing something, but if anyone is still seeing some behavior jumping out at them that im still showing and doing in my updates, please tell me, im not here to win. i want to be happy.
Sounds good. But don't resist the idea of getting one on one help. Like I said, I did. Most people here have at one point or another.
Like you said, life long habits are hard to break. But the stakes are high.
Why not increase your chances for success as much as possible?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
