i did respond to her text with something like, im not upset, you did tell me and ill make sure to be home as quickly as i can and get you out the door so you have enough time with your brother.
she responded with something like... its not like im going to be able to stay up past 9 anyway. she has been very tired and she has always been one that needed more sleep. i basically said well i dont want to be the one that gets blamed for holding you up!
i called her on the way home to work out some logistics for sunday and monday.... she is basically wanting sunday to spend sleeping and resting at her moms house. i do offer to make her breakfast or lunch when she gets up, and she is considering it still. made a comment that ill just be mad if she says no and ends up staying at her moms all day. i will be disappointed but will try not to show it to her. asked about switching cars and she said she will for sure be over monday morning to take kids to school then we have some combined errands and sort of a family date day (no sitters ) after we get oldest from school.
** any ideas that dont cost a lot for a family of 5 to do that seems a bit thoughtful and romantic? i live in denver, so i thought about a drive to the mts maybe? she likes walks and hiking but 6 months pregnant and she has a dentist thing monday to pull a tooth... so probably anything physical is out! lol
i get home, we talk for maybe 10 minutes total, and she gets out the door and drives off about 740? a big win for me, no guilt to her about leaving, or grilling her about what she is doing, nothing. i do say she cant go see harry potter 7... since its something her and i plan to do, but its kind of fun banter about it and something a bit different than how i was in the past. before i might have said shes only 'allowed' to see just this 1 or 2 movie, the rest she has to 'save' to watch with me... yeah such a nice guy i am eh?
i get one text about gas mileage and i text her back she has a lead foot, and off she goes. i spend the next 2 hours playing with kids, feeding them, and trying to get the house back in shape from her spending all day with my kids in it. 3 kids in a house all day can do some damage, and she is not as attentive as i think she should be, but its something i cant ask her about, and ultimately something i need to figure out if i can live with. she blames me for being this way, as in the past i was not very helpful around the house, and basically just said, ah their kids let them play. so since last feb i have changed completely and now keep my house cleaned up daily, and her watching kids in my house and sort of trashing it every day is a little weird. so house is sort of cleaned up... lol
was playing with middle kid, and he tells me to lay down with him, and i of course... fall asleep! haha i miss a text from wife saying "thank you for tonight!!! " all the better i missed it but makes me pretty happy. obviously i wake up sometime later and get on here to post update and get kids put into the right beds for the night. lol
so all in all a good night of being different. we will see how tomorrow goes and if i can keep it up. and as it was said... the old R is dead, who i used to be? dead, or soon to be i hope. that guy was horrible and he wasnt happy even though he tried to control everything and everyone around him. yuck.
she texted me first this morning so thats good, no conversation about seeing her today or anything, trying to just respond after she texts me, and not right away when i do.
im really hoping what they say is true about 3 weeks to make a habit.
cause if its not a habit i fear i may just not care much about her, she went out last night, dont know where, or how long, and well... i dont care i have not asked, its not really bothering me, its just some alien person i dont know.
one thing that i need to get out... im a very touchy feely person. and since all of this, we have not done anything like that at all. yesterday i walked up behind her and gave her a hug while feeling her belly (6 months preg) and she thought i was over stepping bounderies. i know it needs to be on her timeline, just [censored]. at one point we were holding hands in the last 3 months but i talked my way out of that with pushing R talk every day... we really could have been there already if i was not so hung up on talking about it all the time. how do people NOT talk about stuff? just seems so weird and not right to me, but i guess everyone is different and i better get on board with how she thinks and wants to do this... lol
and i totally failed today when she did come over for lunch. ended up being lunch and 1 1/2 discussion... again.
and a little bit more back and forth in text since then. she even texted me i had been doing good what happened?
im going back thru my thoughts and trying to figure it out, i was doing good. i didnt feel that bad about what i was doing, it didnt seem natural but it didnt seem that out of place.
biggest thing i can think of is i was expecting results. and instead of really looking and seeing that i was getting results, i looked for results i WANTED TO SEE. i wanted to see more contact, more loving gestures. what she was doing, and of course i see them now, was talking to me more, not always being mad when we talked, answering the phone if i call... but i didnt see it as enough.
she just sent me a text that said.... 'reset!!!!' i just sent one back saying "done"
hopefully i didnt ruin tomorrow as thats our errand day we had planned. she did say what i fear, she took a risk coming to have lunch with me, and i turned it into a 2 hour discussion/fight. why do i know i cant do this but yet i still do?!?! sheez. need someone standing next to me with a 2x4!
the other thing a therapist told me, and its true... when you rob a bank and have a gun... if things go bad and you shoot someone... its not like you intended to shoot anyone, but you did... why have the gun? why rob the bank... i gotta stop going into the bank. and armed no less!
You backslid. Thats fine. You recognize it. You recognize the difference between what you were doing and what you did.
You're new at this stuff, and you are trying to make changes.
It almost never comes in a linear fashion. It's about how you deal with your failures that will determine how successful you are in the long run.
Quote:
i didnt feel that bad about what i was doing, it didnt seem natural but it didnt seem that out of place.
I think this is what doing something differently than what you've always done typically feels like. Its going to take a while for this to become habitual for you - and new habits take more energy than old ones. You experienced this firsthand today.
You get a lot of credit from me for making an effort and reflecting on what triggered your old behaviors - you were looking for results from someone else though, and this is where I suspect you started to get very anxious. You can't look outside of yourself for the changes you are trying to make.
The changes are for you - and they will benefit your R. Not just with your W, but with other people in your life as well.
One useful technique is to 'preload' your decision making. This means, you can anticipate where you are likely to drop the ball, and make a decision about what you are going to do when that happens. This kind of practice is very useful in 'programming' yourself to make a better decision under stress.
For example:
IF I find my heart starting to beat faster in my conversation with W, THEN I will take a deep breath and relax my muscles, and look for a way to defuse the situation.
IF I find myself having a discussion that I know is going to blow up on me, THEN I will directly acknowledge it and suggest we talk about something else.
You can do this - it takes work, but you can do it. You probably know what it feels like when you start a discussion thats going to spiral out of control. It's okay to not keep having it.
M: 32 W: 29 T: 9 Years M: 4 Years I hit rock bottom: 2/11 PA admitted: 4/11 WAW: 5/11 D filed: 6/11 now: Patience, wisdom, and growth - hopefully.
our monday went ok. we did a lot of stuff together, stuff i never ever used to do. we ended up talking, i thought it was ok, but it turns out any sort of talking is too much for her i guess. well at least any kind of what happened in the past, what to expect for our future.
she is 27 weeks pregnant and still has no plan where to live.
she did 2 things yesterday that dont have anything to do with R stuff or anything else that i have to decide if we get back in a R if i can put up with.
she still said a couple of times she not sure who she should pick??? it was a big blow i truly thought she had already picked me and thats why we were trying to work things out. she is very hesitant to get in a R with me, 1 big reason is the baby daddy would not longer be an option, and she doesnt want to regret it???
i took her out for dinner for her b-day, i let her take a nap before we went and she was uber blah and cranky. i did a good job at dinner leaving her alone and having fun with my kids.
at one point she did say... she was just getting used to talking to me and not worrying that i would turn it into a discussion, well i kinda ruined that and am back to square 1. i did try to ask her to set a time to talk to me about it, but no dice. i also said (and she should not HAVE to do this) but why dont you tell me your uncomfortable with the conversation and tell me at the time. she said she should not have to. i should just know. FYI this is also true of whats romantic, i should just KNOW what she likes and wants and needs.
so today i didnt text her, its a 'work' day. she is trying to start her own business so she takes days like today to work. she texted me once, reminded me of some bill, and thats been all i have heard from her today.
i sent her one back, and then another a little bit later just kinda of being funny about my day so far, she had always complained in the past i never would share the small things about my day.
one thing else she did say... she is kind of waiting for a big sign thats says.... TAKE HIM BACK. i dont think all the small signs are out weighing the bad ones.
i sent her a text with a list of things... just things i did yesterday, that were different than how i used to be, and these were just the things i did in 1 day.
so im not going to try and talk to her til she reaches for me, but DAMN its hard. so posting here, and trying to keep busy with me kids.
had a good DV group. they called me out on some stuff i thought i was doing well over the last week or two, basically saying i was not doing the changes for me yet. ive been a jerk for 12 years its hard not to want to be a better H for her. if she chooses me. i so need to back off and not talk R. she was just getting to the point where she thought me a friend again and could talk.
i did do one thing right today, she texted me a total of 3 times. i didnt get mad at her for that, she ended up spending most of it in the hospital with an uncle who had a baby be airlifted to the local hospital since it wasnt breathing. and she being 6 months along im sure this hit home big time for her. so i know she had a long day. just wish i wasnt such a jerk in the past about how she feels so that she would be able to open up and talk to me, without fearing i would turn it into something she isnt doing for me...
i know i cant make her decide to be with me, but i better get it together so that she WANTS to. actions actions actions... hard to do. need to make daily goals like i see on other posts and then come back and see if i met them. once i get into work tomorrow will make goals for the day. first goal for tomorrow when she comes to watch kids,
listen!! be empathtic and no talk of any issues i have dont push for hugs, touches smile, and thank her for watching our kids
so bit of a set back. but have not told her i know yet. found a receipt from her birthday on Aug 1st. to her favorite restaraunt. this was a day she would not hang out with me and told me she needed to be alone. aug 1st. basically baby daddy took her out that day and she didnt tell me.
big blow cause i thought she was being honest about when she see's him. he left the receipt in her car in pretty plain sight, and ive been driving her car last few days.
it hurts she went with him to the place i always took her for her birthday, and it explains why she didnt want to go there when i took her out a few nights ago.
and while she didnt lie to me per say, she was not honest about her contact with him, and so now i wonder when else she has seen him and not told me.
and if i should even ask her about it, im sure she will turn it on me for somehow snooping, but i feel like a level of trust has just been broken and now i dont know what i can trust her about
so bit of a set back. but have not told her i know yet. found a receipt from her birthday on Aug 1st. to her favorite restaraunt. this was a day she would not hang out with me and told me she needed to be alone. aug 1st. basically baby daddy took her out that day and she didnt tell me. big blow cause i thought she was being honest about when she see's him. he left the receipt in her car in pretty plain sight, and ive been driving her car last few days.
it hurts she went with him to the place i always took her for her birthday, and it explains why she didnt want to go there when i took her out a few nights ago. and while she didnt lie to me per say, she was not honest about her contact with him, and so now i wonder when else she has seen him and not told me. Maybe she thought you'd over react to the information, as you do so often. And when that happens, it creates the "need to lie" in the spouse,
and then the one with the wacky temper (that would be YOU) wonders why they don't get honesty back...
My guess is that she knows you can't handle this information.
She has NOT decided if she can tolerate your frequent temper problems and your controlling nature.
You still harbor many criticisms here about her. You mention that you are deciding IF YOU can tolerate her less than perfect housekeeping. What??
You also admit that they are YOUR kids making the mess (while she watches them) but you want HER to do the housework (and YOU have NOT helped in the past!!!)
yet you are the one with housekeeping standards higher than hers, but you are basically you are dumping your expectations on HER, without you helping...it's a lose lose for her.
And btw, she's pretty pregnant...remember? So for you to expect much childcare from her AND housework...is a set up for failure. And she's got a job too? That's a lot for any woman to deal with.
Just do the housework yourself and be grateful she's giving your presence a chance. Those would be 180s of significance.
and if i should even ask her about it, im sure she will turn it on me for somehow snooping, but i feel like a level of trust has just been broken and now i dont know what i can trust her about
Leave it alone. She never said she was done with OM. She never said you were in piecing.
You KNOW you will push her into his arms by arguing about this.
Why would you even consider doing that? This is like the armed robbery example your t mentioned, again...
learning from past mistakes means NOT REPEATING them...
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I do harbor too many criticisms of her, you are correct. I wont go into too much detail, but I used to not help at all. Her standards used to be higher than mine but she blames me for making hers lower. I do need to lower what I think she can do based on being pregnant. She doesn’t work though, well kind of but it’s a job she is working on starting to make money on her own. I have been cleaning up the house each night after she leaves so she can start fresh with the kids in the morning. Even vacuuming and I never ever vacuum lol
As far as the temper, I don’t fly off the handle mad, but your right, I still react in a way that’s controlling and accusing, so even though I didn’t see it as being all over the place, I am.
She has stated that she is not seeing him or dating him til her and I figure out our issues and if we are going to try and stay together or not, so we are not piecing, but she is committed to me enough to where she is not going to date or be with anyone else til then.
Yes it’s a lose discussion for me for sure. And will push her closer to him and further from me. Just hard finding out your wife didn’t feel safe seeing me on her birthday, then seeing him and at a place I have always taken her. I sent her a text saying nothing significant. Hopefully not repeating mistakes… lol
I do harbor too many criticisms of her, you are correct. I wont go into too much detail, but I used to not help at all. Her standards used to be higher than mine but she blames me for making hers lower. I do need to lower what I think she can do based on being pregnant.
She doesn’t work though, well kind of but it’s a job she is working on starting to make money on her own. I have been cleaning up the house each night after she leaves so she can start fresh with the kids in the morning. Even vacuuming and I never ever vacuum lol
Yes it’s a lose discussion for me for sure. And will push her closer to him and further from me. Just hard finding out your wife didn’t feel safe seeing me on her birthday, then seeing him and at a place I have always taken her. I sent her a text saying nothing significant. Hopefully not repeating mistakes… lol
2 questions for you, and I honestly don't mean to quibble here, but I'm curious.
Why do you post "lol" in the places you posted above^^ here? Were you making a joke? What's the joke?
OR Are you undermining what you just said by following it with "lol", or highlighting it, or what? IOW, What's it mean?
2nd, your other comments are highlighted in the hopes you can see the controlling and critical pattern of yours.
BTW--She IS working. She is trying to start a business. That's called work, to most people. Don't put it down or make light of it. It's disrespectful, (as are nearly all of your comments about her housework.) And that will get you nowhere fast. Ever wonder how OM treats her?
I don't want you to go nuts with that question
but just ask yourself if there aren't a bunch of reasons your w felt so unloved. Being criticized feels a lot like being disliked and disrepected. It hurts.
So next time you want to make a remark about what she didn't do right or enough of, (especially things you never did yourself before now...)
you might want to ask if it's worth losing your w and family for.
Mostly, it's not.
Just my .02
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
) after we get oldest from school.