Denver, I've been reading and thinking about your post for a few days. I feel so much of the same way. I just want to give you a hug because it seems like you are moving forward.
I really like most of what you are saying You are realizing how important you are. That you are worth love and worth the effort. You are a good man.. not perfect, but are striving to be better everyday. Your feelings are valid and worth having w/o fear that your w will run away.
Your w isn't really acknowledging any of this and that hurts.. because ^^^ is so true. When other people see that and our spouses dont.. it's a WTF. Remember though, we are changing for us.. w/o expectations from our w, our friends, or anybody.
Are you sure some of your actions aren't RE- reactions to your w not seeing your changes? I ask that honestly and only you know the answer.
The only other thing is that I want to speak up for the person who can't.. the OW. These are not 2x4 but honest questions.
The OW says she is cool with your relationship as is? Do you believe her? Honestly I'm not sure I do. She is making you feel things your w doesn't. You feel your w doesn't care, therefore the OW cares! Plus I don't really think women can just have flings.. not healthy ones at least. Is being with a unhealthy woman healthy for Denver?
You've admitted that you are with OW for Denver. How she makes you feel about yourself. There's alot of YOU in it.. is that fair to her?
If it's not fair and you may end up hurting her.. is that the Denver you want to be?
Idk maybe I'm old fashion but I feel relationships whether m, friendships, etc should be equal. Your relationship with OW doesn't feel that way.
I'm not trying to judge. But what I LOVE about this forum is the "push" from others to be the best person we can be. So.. I'm pushing
In the end, I'm sure you will do what's best for you.
You're on the right path Denver, I truly believe that.. but tread lightly my friend.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I let sh!t happen and I regret that I did. It's easy to justify your actions but are those actions truly what is best for you? Make decisions after thinking them out clearly! I completely respect you Denver, It doesn't matter to me what you do, obviously you chose your W over the OW years ago. I would start by asking myself why? Then base my actions on that answer. MHL hit home for me in several ways. If it is meant to be the OW will be waiting when you are healed and truly ready.
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
[Jeannie returns her ring to Jerry, who puts it in his pocket.]
"It was unprecendented. I mean, it was the first truly mutual breakup in relationship history."
[flashback ends.]
Jerry: (continuing) No rejection, no guilt, no remorse.
Elaine: You've never felt remorse.
Jerry: I know, I feel bad about that...
NICE CS. Seinfeld is my favorite show of all time. Nice call there!
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
No contact with W since her last text to me on Friday night that my garage door was open. She did not reply to the response that I sent to her on Saturday.
TODAY...
I received email notification of my cell phone bill. W and SS are both on same plan as me. My credit card pays the bill, but W is the only one who has access to the online account. The bill was $200 more than usual.
I initiated text convo with W regarding bill.
Me: "Hi there. Hey, just got our verizon bill. It is $450. That is over $200 the normal bill. Can u check the statement and find out why it was over?"
W responded immediately.
W: "sure. How are you?"
Me: "Thanks. Let me know what the problem was if you don't mind. I'm well."
W: "Ok I will. I've been thinking about you the last few days. Feel like we should've talked more after that night at SIL's"
I did NOT respond.
I was at a coffee shop doing some work. About an hour or so later after W's last text, SS came in and surprised me. I asked him who he was with. He said his mom. I asked where she was. He said next door at the post office. I chatted with SS for a while. W came in a little later. It was very awkward.
We made small talk. W said that she had come out here (our suburb - now 25 minutes from where she lives) to take Seth and one of his friends swimming at our pool.
More chit chat. W made comment about me not contacting SS the past 2 weeks. I just smiled, looked at SS, and said to him, "he hasn't contacted me either." I then told him "you know you can call me any time right?" He said that he knew.
After a little while, I got up from where I was sitting and started to walk towards the exit. I was trying to usher W out but not too blatantly. W and SS walked outside with me.
W had just got off the phone with SIL and needed to wait for her to bring her something. So I stood outside with W and SS while she waited.
We were chatting about the pool and the how nice a day it was for that. I told her that I am going to the pool on Saturday.
W asked me "with who?"
I told her that I was going with a couple of friends.
She asked me again, "with who?"
I told her, "I think that S is driving up"
W then said, "Not your girlfriend?"
I ignored her question and continued with whatever conversation I was having with SS.
Then W said, "probably not a good idea to take her to our pool"
I again ignored her comment.
SIL showed up to give W whatever she was waiting for. I hugged SS goodbye. told them to have fun. I waved goodbye to W.
----------------
about 1/2 an hour later W initiated text conversation.
W: "so are you just not talking to me or what? You've said nothing at all. Not sure what you're up to if anything. Do you plan t stay in touch or just let your lawyer contact me? Are you seeing that woman?"
I waited about 15 minutes to reply ... was trying to figure out how I wanted to reply.
Me: "You have been clear about what you want. At this point, I need space too. I know you understand. Talk to you later."
W: "I don't know what i want. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through. I love you and miss you. I'd like to know we'd be ok, bit I don't know. Then when you tell me you want to date some woman you've been talking to all these years, it just reminds me again of how little you respected me and our relationship."
I waited about an hour to reply ... I admit that I wrote out a few different versions of a reply... and had some help from some bits.
Me: "I've taken responsibility for everything that I have done. I've held myself accountable. I still am. And I'm finally working on forgiving myself. You told me to move on with my life. I was crystal clear about what I wanted for us. You have said that you need time and space. That is what I'm giving you, and myself, right now."
Just as I sent that text, W sent me a text about our cell phone bill. We exchanged a few more texts about that, but she has not replied to my last substantive text.
W then just called about cell phone stuff. After discussing the cell phone bill, she began to talk about anything and everything... about her day job, SS, her new place, a problem with the neighbor... blah, blah, blah.
I only listened. Chuckled at a couple of things. I tried to end the convo 2x but she cut me off and kept talking. Finally, she said, 'I will stop gabbing so that you can go do what you need to do'. I said 'ok. Bye.' she said 'bye' and we got off the phone.
That's it for now.
BITS Denver
P.S. There are lots of great posts that I'd like to reply to. Want to thank everyone for your thoughts. Again, I read all of your posts and many of them twice. I don't know what I'd do if it weren't for all of you...
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Your SS is too young to have the onus on him to contact you. Don't give the SS space just because you need to give you and her space. He will be the only one to suffer, you both will be fine. Figure it out.
