Just Be

[alamo76]

Regarding the silent treatment: If Denver was reliably available (via phone/text/etc) to his wife during the marriage, couldn't that be Denver's version of a 180?

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=alamo76]Regarding the silent treatment: If Denver was reliably available (via phone/text/etc) to his wife during the marriage, couldn't that be Denver's version of a 180? [/quote

Well it's no longer a 180 since he did this before and drove her nuts...so now it looks purposeful.

And does he have to totally ignore ALL CALLS? Even normal ones sent at normal times?

Aren't there better ways to go dim that sudden, zero contact?

Just asking

[Edmond Dantes]

Regarding the silent treatment: If Denver was reliably available (via phone/text/etc) to his wife during the marriage, couldn't that be Denver's version of a 180?

I think deliberately ignoring someone is generally received as a hostile act. I have a hard time imagining that ever being a useful 180, mostly because the anger it conveys just seems like another sign of unhealthy attachment to me.

[2stepboogie]

Denver:

As usual your thread takes on life and runs with it. Yet I see the same conversation being made.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.....Meaning there is wisdom in every poster regardless of what is said.

The trip to disney was not such a good idea but you already knew that.

I know you do not like what I am going to say and for that I am sorry

I agree with Lotus

Your desire to defend your W's image is admirable but the facts are the facts.

I do not believe that what Lotus is saying has anything to do with not supporting DB or saving a M, with respect to dmod, but DB does not teach us to be blind to obvious truth that are laid out before us.

The blame has been assigned, the forgiveness has been asked for now it is time for you to live your life.

Will she regret it?

We all seem to assume they will but the truth of the matter is we might never know.

Will she come back?

Again, no one knows.

At some point you must say enough is enough and start to make adjustments to live your life with or without your W.

I believe that for the first time you are starting to see clearly and you are starting to take the blinders off, perhaps you have reached your pain threshold.

I know you love your W, and I believe she loves you but what would reconcialion look like today, if she were to call you tonight?

My guess is that YOU would put the breaks on as well you should.

Going dark?

Well what makes you feel good Denver?

Do you crave talking to her?

Going completely dark is not what I would do if I were in your shoes but def not being available everytime your W wants to fill some emotional void by talking to you is is something I would do.

Very few people know my sitch like you do.

Right now your W has very little doubt what you want, in fact, I would say that she knows she can get you to do just about anything she wants or needs because you are "desperate".

How do you erase that image?

By moving on.

I am not much on this faking till you make it stuff cause I believe it is false.

I like reality

Move on, live your life and through your tone of voice, you words, your actions and your demeanor you will display your williness to really move on.

When she feels like she is losing you my guess is that you will get a few different responses

Anger and blame first followed by increase contact.

Are you keeping track of what is going on with me?

I see your W in mine, I know you do also.

Keep the Faith.

You know where to find me

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Personally, I think debating whether or not it is DB is a moot point.

More often than not it's, I can do this right up until I can't.

While 9 months have passed, how many of those were consistent behaviour?

Not truly bashing Denver here hell we all do / did this to some degree, some better some worse. I'm hoping next summer to be able to buy Denver a beer.

DB has a wide range of ideas to get your marriage working, the one constant is the burdern of proof is on the person who bought the book or posts here, and one of those ideas is an ultimatium, but that is at the bottom of your bag one of the last things you reach for.

[25yearsmlc]

well said Jack3,

2step, the thing about Denver having contact with his w, at this time,

sure seems to go badly. Time apart seems to go better, at least when she wonders.

And I do think making her wonder, b/c Denver really IS moving on, is about the only way to get some movement here.

Denver, is "some movement here" really what you want?

be careful what you wish for.

Can you imagine, as I can, 6 months from now still dating OW,

and having to choose between a new fresh start, with her,

and your w?

As 2step asked, and it's worth thinking about, what would reconciliation look like someday?

What would rejecting her look like? WIth or without OW?

Can you imagine either scenario more?

[Truegritter]

I lost my mojo. I need to find it.

You think it resides in the ol' twig and berries?

Boy do I remember well when I use to say:

"I know BUT..."

And thankfully some of these people were there to call me on my own bullshirt.

Footwarmer.

Something that makes you comfortable.

You know better Denver.

You're just frustrated, tired, and maybe angry?

Things didn't pan out like you planned.

So on to the next thing?

If you really want to change your life. Change your future. Change what you think you know.

Don't take refuge in comfortable places.

Create your own comfort.

Finding peace with the dude in the mirror.

No one can do that but you.

[Edmond Dantes]

Don't take refuge in comfortable places.

Create your own comfort.

Finding peace with the dude in the mirror.

No one can do that but you.

Very wise words, I think.

I've been where you are right now Denver and I believe I understand the powerful draw of someone who is willing to make things very easy for you when all you've been doing is working very hard for months on end. I couldn't fault you for leaning on that for awhile.

In an ideal world though, I think Gritter is right. It's better to use the difficult times to learn to handle your needs yourself without using anyone else as a crutch, even if they are a willing accomplice. Seems to me it's what your W did. Do you respect her more or less for leaning on OM when she was mustering the courage to walk away from you?

On the other hand, if you need the distraction and you're honest with yourself, I'm sure things will unfold exactly as they should. I hope you will be well.

[♪CS♪]

Denver, I agree with the posts above.

I guess I look at it this way.

You have been given an opportunity. One to find complete happiness with yourself that is not dependent on an OP.

Perhaps you can find this anyway, but my feeling is, you will go from feeling your happiness is dependant on your W, straight to OW.

I fear you may miss this opportunity.

I hope I'm wrong.

Peace.

[Denver_2010]

Lotus' assessment that your w "used you" is unfair & wildly oversimplifying an actual marriage. If she were "using" you,

she'd either file and get money from you that she could count on, OR she'd stay put IN the m, and get more of it...she's doing neither by living this way now. But I think you "get" that...so I'll move on.

Absolutely agreed.

Is she confused? YES...and the one thing that she did say consistently is

that she feels pressured by YOU (and OM for that matter).

So How about you NOT being the source of pressure?

My intent is to remove any and all pressure on my W. I will not be a part of her life until her thinking has clarified and until she is willing to work on our M. It is unhealthy for me and it is not useful to working towards reconciliation.

Your behavior is inconsistent. So is hers. Hard to read either well with that.

Um the holiday...too bad you HAD to check her emails...couldn't wait til the holiday was over or mostly?

Do you see any element of sabotage there?

I thought vis a vis the marriage, The whole goal was to show her the positive changes in you and NONE of the negatives...for one week. Why did you have to "know" then & there? Just asking...

too late now, but still....odd act of yours to do at that time, imo.

Maybe a poor choice on my part. But the fact remains that she was being dishonest with me. I would never had another opportunity to check her email if I had not taken it when I did.

Bad in that it makes my W feel that I am controlling... okay, I accept that. But these are not ordinary circumstances either.

Good in that I learned a truth that has helped me to realize that I could not continue living the way that I was.


I totally agree you should go dim. OMG 100% certainty here...

Back off and give yourself an internal timeline, minimum of a month (I'd say 90 days to a "normal" person but you get obsessive with her so I'm trying to be real) of

My timeline is indefinite right now 25. Like I said above, I have absolutely zero interest in contacting or talking to my W until she figures out what she wants and what she is willing to do IF what she wants is our M.

I am swimming to the other shore. If I get there before W figures this out... then it is her loss. That is my timeline.

I will not be initiating contact unless it has to do with bills or SS.

I'm also done letting her think that I will jump anytime that she wants something. That is why I was waiting to reply to her texts the other night. I was not planning to ignore them completely.

BUT she gave me 2 hours to reply to her first text before she sent me the text message asking me if I was ignoring her. 2 HOURS. That is not a lot of time.

Them, she gave me 15 minutes from the time of her second text and her third text which was the rude one asking me if my attorney had told me not to talk to her.

Listen 25, the timing of W's text messages says a lot more than the texts themselves. She needed to know if she had mail at 4:30 p.m. on a FRIDAY evening? Highly unlikely.

She just had to have her mail at 10:45 p.m. on a Friday night?? HIGHLY unlikely.

This was W checking up on me or trying to draw me back in in some way... at least IMO. Maybe even baiting me into having some conversation about R or OW... who knows. But I don't think that the timing of these text messages was coincidental or completely random.




You're better than that.

Mind you, I am NOT referring to her midnight texts at the reunion (a separate Issue I'll address)

but the normal questions she asked about the garage and the glasses and the times you could easily have answered ONE text of hers,

and done it gracefully but briefly

and shown her COOL DETACHMENT without coming off as an a$$....

[quote=25yearsmlc]As for her midnight texts to you and the HS reunion comments...very very interesting.

You got her attention by NOT paying any attention to her. Hmm.

That's not a lesson for how to be married, but it MIGHT be a lesson for how to get her attention while separated.

I'd pursue the "mystery Denver man" thing more, and consistently.

Who knows 25. Again, I have to point to W's inconsistency with her actions and words... she shows jealousy one minute, but then tells me that she doesn't 'feel the same way' about me the next.

I'm just kind of tired of trying to figure it out.

I plan on being a complete mystery to W for the time being.

BTW-What was your goal in telling your w about the OW?

Am I wrong for feeling that it threatens the hell out of your w?

After all, she may lose the position of having ALL the power that she has held now for many months.

That will be an event for her. An unpleasant one. Perhaps a motivating one???

But I don't know how she'll handle it. But she's Not indifferent to what you do.

She has seemed pretty indifferent to what I am doing since her text messages on Friday.

My goal about telling W of OW was simply to be completely honest with her. I have asked her to be honest with me, so I felt that she deserved no less than what I had asked for.

W's power over the situation has been eroded if not completely lost. IMO, she has overplayed and taken advantage of the leverage that she has had over me for the past 6 months. I will no longer let her treat me the way that she has because I feel guilty over how I treated her during our M. Enough is enough. She now needs to decide whether or not she can forgive me, and if so, if she wants to be with me. I am willing to live with either at this point.

I agree with everything that you said regarding OW.

Thanks 25. Was beginning to think that I had frustrated you so much that you abandoned my thread! LOL... guess I wouldn't blame you.

Denver