Just Be

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Denver,

(and to anyone else reading : ) )

We are in that 80% that fails, second marriage that came about from an affair. You know, I always shoot toward the 1%.

It always warms the cockles of my heart when I read people blasting and dooming those people.

I figure I'd give a name if not a face.

Could your OW be the one?

It's possible.

I just ask that you be honest with yourself and not rewrite the past regarding your wife.

We tend to justify our actions. We tend to do...what we did not like in our wayward spouse, but...it's ok since we are doing it.

Be cautious and careful.

And be wary with the word NEED.

You need few things in life, the rest are wants.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Edit - We as in me and my wife. : ) Sorry not to confuse.

[Denver_2010]

Denver,

(and to anyone else reading : ) )

We are in that 80% that fails, second marriage that came about from an affair. You know, I always shoot toward the 1%.

Yeah Jack, I know. I'm certainly not thinking along these lines right now anyway. I have not given up on my M yet. And OW and I, I believe, are on the same page that we are just casually dating right now.

I'm just living my life Jack.... and letting my W live her's.

I was thinking how strange it all is, everything that has happened over the past 9 months. Over 9 months since my W told me that she was done with our M, and almost 9 months since she physically left our home... and neither of us has filed for D.

Much has happened during those 9 months. It has truly been a roller coaster from hell.

I just need to step off of that roller coaster for a bit. I need to reclaim my life to an extent and let the chips fall where they may. I need to find some enjoyment in my life bc I have had very little during these past 9 months. I guess I don't see any reason to deprive myself of some female companionship any longer. Deprive myself of spending a little time with someone who WANTS my company. My W is making her choice for the time being. That choice does not include me at the moment. Nothing I say or do can change that. My W has had a solid 5 months of seeing a changed, albeit imperfect, Denver... she has has a chance to see that our life together could be different than it was before she left. Better. I am truly closing the gates to her for now.

That is my view on things at this moment.

I just ask that you be honest with yourself and not rewrite the past regarding your wife.

We tend to justify our actions. We tend to do...what we did not like in our wayward spouse, but...it's ok since we are doing it.

I honestly don't think that it is justification Jack. Not that I haven't struggled with my decision to spend time with OW. I have. But again, I have to live my life. I only have one chance at it. And again, I'm not closing the door to reconciliation at this point.

I'm also not rewriting history. No one is more defensive of his or her spouse when someone criticizes than me. Even over the past 9 months. But I think that I glossed over some of her faults. I put her on a pedestal when she left me and blamed myself for 100% of our problems. I have beat the hell out of myself for 9 months.

No. I'm just recognizing that she is not perfect. Never was. I love her more than anything on this planet, but she was not perfect. And she did contribute to our M problems.

Maybe this is part of my process in forgiving myself a little bit. I f'd up a ton in my M/R with my W. But now... I know that I have also fought to save the M/R like I've never fought for anything in my life. I can no longer do this out of guilt for my actions. It is time for me to begin forgiving myself. And with that, I think comes the acknowledgment that I was never 100% to blame.


Denver

[Brian in Hville]

I'm happy for you Denver. You deserve to be happy. If OW makes you this way, then keep her around

I just want the best for Denver. Keep us updated.

Brian

[Denver_2010]

I'm happy for you Denver. You deserve to be happy. If OW makes you this way, then keep her around

I just want the best for Denver. Keep us updated.

Brian

Thanks Brian. This is how it has to be right now. I need a break from the pain.

[d1adsl5a]

dever,

Just be careful. The OW is giving you what you need. I was the same. This OW ended up being a great friend for me and we are still together. But I put her through hell because I wasn't ready. I am still not. She knows it too, but she is willing to take it real slow. I imploded 5 months ago, because it was going down the real serious path. Just remember, you make think this isn't a rebound. Trust me, it is. Take it slow....

[Denver_2010]

dever,

Just be careful. The OW is giving you what you need. I was the same. This OW ended up being a great friend for me and we are still together. But I put her through hell because I wasn't ready. I am still not. She knows it too, but she is willing to take it real slow. I imploded 5 months ago, because it was going down the real serious path. Just remember, you make think this isn't a rebound. Trust me, it is. Take it slow....

Thanks D1. I'm sure that it is a rebound. I have no doubt. I have been completely honest with OW... Again, I'm just living my life right now. Trying to bring a little joy back into it. I lost my mojo. I need to find it.

BITS
Denver

[MHL]

Hi Denver,

I've read along and see lots of advice. I don't see where you say what you want to do. I think you should do what you want with your life. Because it is your life. Yours, and yours alone.

My point of view on the past month is not the same as everyone else's. It is likely an unpopular point of view. But I'm going to put it out there because I have read every word you attribute to your wife, and I just keep seeing it the same way. Your wife is an artist and makes a subsistence living. You are a lawyer and make a lot more money. When she pals up with you she can get things like trips to Disneyworld and other niceties. She's on board every time there is a concert or a trip. But then she's quick to remind you that you are not a family. Well, if you are not a family, what are you all doing in Disneyworld pretending to be a family?

So, sad to say, my take is that she uses you when it suits her, and then she rejects you. Yes, the oldest advice in the world; same as they told you in 7th grade. She is using you.

As the Fitzgeralds famously said, "Living well is the best revenge." I think you should live well, however you choose to live.

Lotus-

This is the opposite of what we do here at DB. You might personally feel that this is a possibility, but you have no idea of all of the intricacies of their relaitonship. Denver is also much smarter than this, if this was all there was, there would have been no long-term relationship with Denver.

The other point is -- we look to save marriages. Not to tell folks what is wrong with their relationship. They can get that anywhere.

dbmod,
I respectfully disagree with your assessment of what Lotus is suggesting here.

All Lotus is saying is to Denver is to "do what he wants with his life" and to "live well".

I believe that "dbing" as MWD describes it in DB and DR is to focus on yourself during this time......ie fix yourself first and try not to get caught up in what your spouse is doing.

I think that is what many posters to Denver's thread have been sugesting for awhile.

I believe that in general the advice is the same, which is.....

Stop engaging his W while she is undecided about whether or not she would like to "work" on the marriage.

To do otherwise will cause him pain.

What is different is "where" the advice comes from........

meaning does it come from a place of pride, jealousy, anger, retribution, etc.

or does it come from a place of love.

While Lotus's opinion or view of Denver's W's actions may be blunt and not soft and powdery.........it is acurate based on what Denver has shared with us.

however it is just a point of view not really advice.

So I would disagree that what Lotus said is "Not what we do here at DB".

Furthermore

I think it is beneficial to seek the advice of others that have gone through this before to get their perspective on "what is wrong with their relationship".

I happen to think that Denver's current relationship with his W is "wrong" for him............and I think he has finally figured that out.

[MHL]

Again, I'm just living my life right now. Trying to bring a little joy back into it. I lost my mojo. I need to find it.

Denver,
I completely understand this, finding that mojo is definitely key in finding your center again.

Unfortunately part of finding that mojo, for a man is confirmation that a woman will find us attractive, funny, smart, strong and all those other things that make us "MEN".

There is nothing more confirming of those "manly" traits than the warm touch of a woman.

I understand that you are being open and honest with this OW and she may be on board with where you are at however I am wondering if you are being open and honest with yourself?

At some point in the future will you be wondering if this current relationship with OW stood in the way of your W making a decision to recommit to working on the marriage?

Will you be okay wtih that??

I highly doubt that your W will come to you in a month or two and say that she wants to work on the marriage if you are with the OW or for that matter any other woman.

I think you have really started to let your W be, you are finally giving her the space she has wanted all along........it is not a "fake it until you make it" thing.

She felt that distance when you went to the reunion, she texted you late at night..........WHY???

This was before she knew about the OW......right???

What were you doing differently???

Now imagine a month or two of doing that with no other woman in the picture..........

Hope this helps,

Cheers

[25yearsmlc]

ps

I would NOT expect a move from your w for awhile.

I wouldn't even monitor for results til Thanksgiving or later.

If she files she files. Maybe if you keep ignoring her texts, you'll push her that way.

But I'd definitely go dim. But in a cooler manner.