I've identified a couple of issues that I am trying to address specifically. Control and Fear (which I believe is an outgrowth from my control issues).
Denver,
I want to suggest, your control issues stem from fear first.
Then additional fears result when you feel like you are not in control.
I heard somewhere once that "fear is the root of all evil".
While I can't remember where and that drives me nuts...
I do believe that it is true.
Fear leads to anger...
Fear leads to sadness...
Fear leads to regret...
Fear leads to extreme cautiousness...
Fear leads to bad behavior...
Fear leads to attempting to control situations so you don't feel the fear...
Fear will hold us back from our biggest dreams...
And so on...
Think about it.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
I hope Harrier and I haven't started a geekfest on Denver's thread!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
I've identified a couple of issues that I am trying to address specifically. Control and Fear (which I believe is an outgrowth from my control issues).
Denver,
I want to suggest, your control issues stem from fear first.
Then additional fears result when you feel like you are not in control.
I heard somewhere once that "fear is the root of all evil".
While I can't remember where and that drives me nuts...
I do believe that it is true.
Fear leads to anger...
Fear leads to sadness...
Fear leads to regret...
Fear leads to extreme cautiousness...
Fear leads to bad behavior...
Fear leads to attempting to control situations so you don't feel the fear...
Fear will hold us back from our biggest dreams...
And so on...
Think about it.
Thanks Cat. I actually mixed that up in my rambling, stream of consciousness, post. Yes, my control issue probably comes from some fear issues that I have.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
For 25MLC... I see that you are back. I am really curious to get your take on my sitch as it stands now.... Your perspective always helps me.
There is a very long update a couple of pages back on this thread.
If and when you have the time of course.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Just wanted to say Wassup and bring your thread back up.
Glad you are where you are Man. Ultimately, you still have enough advice to get you where you need to go.
I personally love the Yoda posts LOL. It's true, but in a weird way how in the hell does a divorce busting sight get on Yoda/Star Wars advice? Hahaha. It's great! Good vibes and great memories.
I've read along and see lots of advice. I don't see where you say what you want to do. I think you should do what you want with your life. Because it is your life. Yours, and yours alone.
My point of view on the past month is not the same as everyone else's. It is likely an unpopular point of view. But I'm going to put it out there because I have read every word you attribute to your wife, and I just keep seeing it the same way. Your wife is an artist and makes a subsistence living. You are a lawyer and make a lot more money. When she pals up with you she can get things like trips to Disneyworld and other niceties. She's on board every time there is a concert or a trip. But then she's quick to remind you that you are not a family. Well, if you are not a family, what are you all doing in Disneyworld pretending to be a family?
So, sad to say, my take is that she uses you when it suits her, and then she rejects you. Yes, the oldest advice in the world; same as they told you in 7th grade. She is using you.
As the Fitzgeralds famously said, "Living well is the best revenge." I think you should live well, however you choose to live.
I've read along and see lots of advice. I don't see where you say what you want to do. I think you should do what you want with your life. Because it is your life. Yours, and yours alone.
My point of view on the past month is not the same as everyone else's. It is likely an unpopular point of view. But I'm going to put it out there because I have read every word you attribute to your wife, and I just keep seeing it the same way. Your wife is an artist and makes a subsistence living. You are a lawyer and make a lot more money. When she pals up with you she can get things like trips to Disneyworld and other niceties. She's on board every time there is a concert or a trip. But then she's quick to remind you that you are not a family. Well, if you are not a family, what are you all doing in Disneyworld pretending to be a family?
So, sad to say, my take is that she uses you when it suits her, and then she rejects you. Yes, the oldest advice in the world; same as they told you in 7th grade. She is using you.
As the Fitzgeralds famously said, "Living well is the best revenge." I think you should live well, however you choose to live.
Lotus-
This is the opposite of what we do here at DB. You might personally feel that this is a possibility, but you have no idea of all of the intricacies of their relaitonship. Denver is also much smarter than this, if this was all there was, there would have been no long-term relationship with Denver.
The other point is -- we look to save marriages. Not to tell folks what is wrong with their relationship. They can get that anywhere.
W moved into her new place one week ago today. She came by our house to take a few items of furniture. Called me bc she couldn't get into the house. It was a very, very brief conversation as she was able to get the garage open as she was telling me that she couldn't get it. I said, 'okay. talk to you later.'
Later that day (last Monday), W called. I did not answer the phone. She left a VM saying that one of her friends who had helped her move had left his sunglasses at the house. I had seen them. I texted W about 15 minutes after her call to let her know where the glasses were. She texted back. "Thanks, I found them."
W and I did not have any contact until Friday.
W texted me at 4:30 on Friday afternoon : "would you be willing to check the mail and let me know if I have anything?"
I did NOT reply
W texted again at 6:15: "Not talking to me?"
I did NOT reply
W texted again at 6:30: "I'll take that as a yes. Let me guess... your lawyer told you not to."
I did NOT reply
W texted again at 10:41 p.m. : "Your garage door is open"
I did NOT reply
-----
So W must have really needed her mail to drive out to my place, which is now about 25 minutes from where she lives, at 10:45 at night.
Also, there is no reason for her to drive by my house to check our mail. In fact it is out of the way from where she would drive into our neighborhood and the route to where our mail is.
And she accuses me of being a stalker... (insert sarcasm)
I finally responded to W's texts on Saturday afternoon: "Thanks. I assume that you checked the mail. Hadn't had a chance to check it myself."
She did not reply.
------
I was out with a OW and a few buddies on Friday night when W was texting me.
Things with OW have progressed some. I realize that I have received some criticism about going down this road with OW. I have also received some well deserved concern about this choice.
All I can say is that it is what I need in my life for the time being. I don't think that healing and and working on myself is mutually exclusive from also having OW in my life.
In fact, having OW in my life over the past couple of weeks has helped me learn a few things about myself and my M/R with W.
As for OW... well, she knows my situation. As I've said, I've known her since we were both 5 years old. We went on a few dates 8 or 9 years ago. She and I talked about that and she told me that I stopped calling her back then. We talked more and realized that I stopped calling her bc I had met and started to date my W. OW is so laid back that she merely said, 'I'm not upset. It's all good.' and laughed about it.
A couple of things that I have learned over the past several days ... from my self reflection:
1) that I have never understood true emotional intimacy. I think that it is developed between two people who can truly be 100% honest with one another... and not be afraid of how the other is going to react... in fact, know that the other is going to be supportive no matter what.
I never had that with W. W and I both were afraid of p!ssing the other off by certain things that I think we felt over the years.
I can also say that I feel much more comfortable sharing whatever I am feeling with OW. This may be a result of not really caring if she decides to stop seeing me over something that I feel. Or it may be a result of what I have learned over the past 9 months. I don't know.
2) I have not talked about it here much, but I have really struggled with my job since W left. My motivation, drive and desire with my career plummeted. It has gotten to the point that I have considered walking away from my business.
OW and I were texted back and forth the other night. She was talking about researching going back to school for herself. I joked with her that maybe I would join her and we could be schoolmates again.
She texted something to me that was so sweet: "u have a great job and it's a lot to be proud of. so u need to give yourself more credit... just sayin!! )
Her text made me realize just how unsupported and unappreciated I felt by W over the past few years.
I think that W came to resent my career. There are reasons for the way that she felt, the fact that I ran her job down, teased her about having summers off, reminded her that my salary paid for most everything. I take responsibility for that.
But it was a spiral downward that neither w or I put our foot down on and said, "no more"... and stopped.
It is also a partial explanation as to why I came to be so depressed the last 10 months that W and I were living together.
Anyway, this was an interesting revelation that I had the other night and I wanted to journal about it.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
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