Just Be

[grr]

"
I am not got got to preach, or say what you should have done, IMHO you have always done what you think is best for your own individual situation, and whilst that hadn't always been the db way, It has been your way....so respect to that......"
GAL MAN

i agree with him, absolutely!

i think you surely need to modify dbing to your own situation

you are the only one who truly knows your wife

i feel your pain, my friend

you are not alone, and you know there is a better day and a better nights sleep ahead

for both of us
xo

[d1adsl5a]

Denver

Just make sure you tell the OW what you are thinking. You might be suprised at the response you get. She may understand and be able to deal with things better if she knew where your head was at.

My W, did the same as you. Not moving in with him. But the same. I didn't take the emotional hit till just a few months ago. Almost a year after she moved out. I had such a wall built up, nothing hurt me. Even after I found out she was really with another guy before she moved out, I mourned for a couple days.

Man, I didn't realize how thick my wall was until everything unravelled a few months ago. Maybe your tougher. Hope you are. I wasn't. I was a mess and still am to a certain degree. But I understand a hell of alot more what happened. I can tell by how you respond, how you are hurt. But the toughness factor doesn't get by me. Because I was you for a long time. I never felt better for months....Then reality of what you have become hits...

Let it go. Let her go. Better days will be ahead. But anger is an exhausting emotion. My w is still so bitter at her situation, she tries to take it all out on me. Well, it used to not hurt. It does now and I have told her finally how everything affects me. Things have been a bit better the last couple weeks.

But you have to figure a way out of this disdain. It will only suck you in further. Look I have to pay my W. $5,300 Net per month. I had to give her $400k which is 60% 401k, pension. Plus another $140k for a down payment on a house. Trust me, I lost it all and she is the one that wanted this. It [censored]. But, I will make it through. You will make it through. The only thing that helps is time, a good therapist, good friends.

[d1adsl5a]

And by the way. Acceptance will come when it is ready...You can't force it. Your body, Your mind will just say it is time. Then and only then can you start the journey back to the guy you once were.

[~¤DG¤~]

Denver,

You have so much running through your head right now and I totally get it.

However, I want to share something with you that my C discussed with me yesterday.

While I was crying about my sitch and saying what I "should" do, she reminded me that there is no instruction manual to life, so the word really doesn't apply.
What you choose to do is another thing.

That put some things into perspective for me.

[Truegritter]

I've been at this for going on 9 months. I'm frustrated. I'm hurt. And quite frankly, I'm running out of emotional fuel... All of this is causing me to consider other things.

Let me put this another way.

What Jack said and you quoted in your sitch:

Is this the hill you will die on?

Will you let someone else's actions or reactions break you?

Will you let ALL this crap

Run and ruin your life?

Read Gnosis' questions to you again.

Until you know who you are and what you want how will know yourself and when you get there?

Right now and if you run now, run to some warm fuzzy foot warmer (OW) you will only be the broken man who fell victim to someone draining his emotional fuel...

How does it feel to have your tank sucked dry?

Man you know I am not saying this to you to pile on the confusion and pain you are feeling.

Pound your fist and say NO MORE!

No MORE of you feeling a victim of this.

Move forward in word and deed as the man you want to be...

Leave behind those nostalgic memories for now and the dreams of what you want with your W and with them goes the pain and trepidation of losing what you have no way of controling. What you dread.

Dread is a drain.

Dread is fear.

Do not RUN from it.

Conquer it or it will ever be your master.

[♪CS♪]

F N A

Great post.

[cat04]

Denver,

There has been a lot of talk about what you W did, what you did, this whole OW thing...

It is all important, but something else struck me last night...

Expectations...

We all have them, let's not lie and pretend we don't.

We try not to, we know we shouldn't, especially in these situations...

The reality is, we do, even if they are small ones...

And then, if those expectations don't get met, we get disappointed, angry, feel let down...

When they don't get met, they drain us of our hope, we get tired, we get frustrated, we look for things to make us feel better...

Personally, this is where I see you right now...

You expected your W to respond better to your changes...

She responded pretty well, but only briefly...

You set a boundary, which you expected her to respect, and she hasn't quite done that...

You went to Disney, probably looking for a better result than what you came home with...

You see the expectations not being met, and you have the R talks, trying to push your agenda (sorry for the choice of words) and when it doesn't work, you get let down...

Of course you are tired, of course you don't know what else to do...

Right now, you have to feel your feelings. And face them.

Figure out, objectivly, if your expectations were valid. If they were reasonable and doable, within your situation.

Sometimes they are and sometimes they aren't. Sometimes we expect more than a person can give us at the time. Sometimes, we just can't get what we want when we want it. Doesn't necessarily make the expectation unreasonable but it might make the timing of it unreasonable.

Don't let bad timing kill your hope.

Don't let unmet expectations be the reason you do something that you might not want to do.

Many here say move forward...

Move forward is something I wholeheartedly agree with. Move forward and live your life.

However, please keep in mind, moving forward and moving ON, are NOT the same.

They really are not. Some use the term interchangably but they aren't.

Moving forward is living. Moving on is being done. (IMO, the only time you should start dating.)

So which are you ready to do?

[Denver_2010]

Just want to thank everyone for your wonderful posts. I read them all. Not posting right now. Letting things be for right now. No updates.

[Gnosis]

Take your time. You need it. You're in pain. Let the pain do it's job.

Please take a time out like I suggested in my first post to you.

It's for your own good.

[Denver_2010]

Questions for you:

RE: "I am at a point in my sitch where I need to let things rest and just be..."

1. What SPECIFIC things are you going to STOP doing to achieve that?

I have to stop worrying about what my w is doing or not doing. Let her live her life, while I live mine. Open the cage. The adage... "If you love someone, set them free... If they return..." well, that is the question... and the answer.

RE: "I must let my W go for now..."

2. How are you going to do that?

I am removing myself from my W's life. She must travel the path that she is choosing without me. I won't be a part of some of those choices.

RE: "I need to stop having contact with my W in order to do this..."

3. What methods of communication will you be using from now on?

I plan to go pretty dark. I will not initiate contact except as necessary for bills and possibly, SS. I will respond to contact that she initiates, but when it is convenient for me. I will no longer jump when I see her number on my phone.

RE: "I will use this time to try to learn more about myself..."

4. How are you going to learn about yourself?

Thinking. Lots of thinking. I have been doing this over the past several days. I've identified a couple of issues that I am trying to address specifically. Control and Fear (which I believe is an outgrowth from my control issues).

RE: "Who I am..."

5. Who ARE you? What are your values?

I am a man who lost himself over the past 15-20 years. A man who forgot his inner child... who let his ego overwhelm him... who got lost in the career and the expectations and requirements of that career... some of this I have recaptured over the past 9 months... some I am still working on. I am loyal to my friends to a fault. I am a man who would take a bullet for those he loves... friends and family. I am competitive to a fault. I will fight tooth and nail to win a battle or competition. I do not give up. I love animals and the world that we live in. I cry in sad movies... or even inspirational movies. I worked my entire life to get to a point where I could provide for a W and a family. I am a man who has made many mistakes in the past 15 years. I love my daughter... but due the circumstances that I played a part in, I am unable to be the father that I'd like to be. I am a man who my parents raised. Damaged by their mistakes. Determined to no longer repeat those mistakes. I am a serious man... wanting, and finally trying, to be more fun loving. I want to stop always looking at my destination ... and learn to enjoy the trip. I need to be me... and stop worrying about what others expect from me. The ego... my pride... have been my enemies for years.... I did not recognize this... they helped me succeed in school, career, with women... but they have been my ultimate downfall. I want to appreciate what I have in my life... and not desire that which I don't have. I am loyal, smart, loving... capable of romance... but also capable of being complacent... confident, driven... someone with a dry sense of humor... I procrastinate. I can't dance... and I am usually afraid to try if I haven't had a few drinks. I love my 2 dogs like they are my children. I enjoy weekend mornings with a coffee and a newspaper. I protected my heart 15 years ago by closing it off... but am learning how to open myself up. I no longer want to be afraid of real emotional intimacy. I like my personal space. I am independent. I like alone time. I love spending time with my group of friends whom I've known since 3rd grade. But.. I now want to share my life with a partner. I never viewed my W as a true partner. I want that. I seek to control the environment around me... probably bc my family circumstances made me feel that my childhood was so out of control. I had to grow up too quickly. I began to take life too seriously. I want to learn... how to enjoy life more. I've wasted too much time.

RE: "I will use this time to look at what I want for my life..."

6. How?

^^^^^

RE: "What traits do I want in the person who I am with..."

If you don't know who you are, what you want and where you're going, how do you expect to recognize yourself? Know if what you have is what you want AND even know if you've reached your destination.

RE: "I need to figure these things out in my head and in my heart..."

To do that you need space. LOTS of it. If you can afford it, go away somewhere for at least ONE week. Don't tell anyone where you're going -- especially your WW. Give your contact details to ONE trusted person only and explicit instructions to only contact you in case of a BIG emergency. Then sit your @SS down and figure out some of these questions.

A man without a plan is a man adrift in the ocean and waiting for a wind to blow him in whatever direction it blows. (And the wind never blows in a single direction constantly)