The watching the show comment was meant as more of a metaphor.
Quote:
I have been inconsistent, but at the same time, I have been getting multiple mixed signals from my W
But see Denver, this is exactly what I mean. Your actions seem to be reactions to her.
I'm not trying to bash you. You've been in this 'tweener spot for a while now, and I have not experienced it. I am sure it is very tough.
Very tough. But you are right CS. I have not been consistent. Or rather... I was not consistent. I am starting over now it seems.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
You know I did this early on. I had the same feelings then that you are having now. I compared her. Knew deep down I had nothing to give her. It was nothing but a distraction.
And I just posted something similar.
There are positive distractions and negative ones.
Getting your mind off of your W may be a positive one.
But it will also distract from you.
I have just entered a phase of feeling happy just with me again.
I know for me, I'm just going to hold onto this for a while. It's what I need right now.
If I decide to "get back out there" again, and TBH I have thought about it. I know for me. I will do so with a different attitude than I did the first time.
It won't be to distract. It won't be to get a reaction out of W. It will simply be.
Just perhaps answer these same questions yourself.
Denver is #1 right now.
BITS
Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.
Denver, don't have much to add that hasn't already been said, other than I think I understand where you are in your sitch. Many parallels to mine. OM that's more a crutch than anything else. W who needs time to herself to figure out what she wants in life. Missing the companionship (that's the hardest part for me right now).
You're a work in progress, Denver 2.0. Recognize what you need to work on, work on it, know you'll mess up and get back on track.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
You know I did this early on. I had the same feelings then that you are having now. I compared her. Knew deep down I had nothing to give her. It was nothing but a distraction.
And I just posted something similar.
There are positive distractions and negative ones.
Getting your mind off of your W may be a positive one.
But it will also distract from you.
I have just entered a phase of feeling happy just with me again.
I know for me, I'm just going to hold onto this for a while. It's what I need right now.
If I decide to "get back out there" again, and TBH I have thought about it. I know for me. I will do so with a different attitude than I did the first time.
It won't be to distract. It won't be to get a reaction out of W. It will simply be.
Just perhaps answer these same questions yourself.
Denver is #1 right now.
Well said CS. Thanks.
LP... thanks.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver, I truly feel for you today. I just found out my w is dating (saw a hicky on her neck).
Maybe it wasn't the best DBing month for you but I understand how hard it is sometimes. I definitely didn't DB today. Some days the pain just gets the better of us. We don't mean to react.. but we're human.
You won't receive any 2x4 from me but I will ask you this. Who is that you want to be? Does your w, r, or m stop you from that in this moment? If so, what needs to be done so you can continue to become the best Denver possible?
I'm asking myself all these questions now.. because although I am human.. I hate that today.. I LET my w take away all the hard work I have been doing.
my .02 ((HUGS))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
It's really just the same rush that your wife got from OM.
You realize that, right?
The truth is that life [censored] no matter which direction you pursue right now. Your wife is not capable of being the woman you NEED her to be. And your relationship with your new friend...
Well, maybe it turns out to be THE relationship for you. On the other hand, it might turn out that once the "rush" is over, and your tender ego has been stroked sufficiently...it might then turn out to be that your wife is still the only woman that you want.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I told W that she hasn't been honest with me. W said that I have put her in a place where she doesn't feel like she can be honest with me. That I have backed her into a corner. That I gave her an ultimatum after I found OM sitting on her toilet back on May31. That it was unrealistic for her to agree to not having any contact with OM. That she has tried things my way. "I have tried doing what you told me to do" by not having any contact. She said that she has to do it her way. That she doesn't know what she wants. . . .
A: "Then it looks like I have my answer."
Blah, blah, blah . . . yadda, yadda, yadda.
THERE. Fixed it for you.
Seriously, Denver (and I'm not trying to minimize your pain, because i can FEEL it oozing from your posts), everything else in there really IS just extra bullchit, and the part that I've culled is what it really DOES all boil down to.
Your wife doesn't feel "it" for you right now.
Your wife is still in contact with OM.
As long as your wife is in contact with OM, she WON'T feel "it" for you, and will remain blocked to your changes (even when you do pull them off).
It's a vicious circle, Denver, and this is why some of us believe so strongly that the time for boundaries is EARLY, not later on, when you feel a wayward spouse is ready to hear them. Your wife has this way of "fuzzying up" everything, and parsing, and you need to hone it back in to this simple point: "This isn't working for me; I won't share my wife with another man, and I see no reason to even discuss our marriage when one of us has made the unilateral decision to invite a third person into it."
No long R talks; no expensive family vacations; no family outings where we all pretend everything is OK. She needs to feel the loss of you, and you've NEVER, EVER allowed her to do that from what I can see, and until you do, she's going to keep dangling you on the string, and you're going to continue your misery.
