Anyone watch Entourage tonight? The scene where Ari and his W talk about who she is dating during their S... Really hit home.
"You need to let me live my life. If there's any chance of us ever getting back together I need to explore other things."
hmmmmm...
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
A VERY LONG UPDATE... A LOT has happened in the past month... sorry
I haven't updated anything beyond what happened between W and I on July 3rd. I'm going to include the important stuff and try to keep this as short as possible.
July 4th - W, the kids and I went to W's S's and BIL's house for bbq and fireworks. We took that kids shopping for some fireworks to light earlier in the day. We also did lunch. Saw my dad and his W at the restaurant. W avoided them by going to the bathroom and then walking out to the car. She is very angry with my dad and his W for the way that they made her feel during our M/R.
July 5th - Took W and kids to dinner and a movie. W and I had R talk at dinner. W said that she doesn't know if she can feel the same about me and our M. That she wants to have a happy M and not just be 'content'. Doesn't know if that is possible with us. Said that she hopes that this month of hanging with me and the kids can help her recapture that feeling. I told W that I will not be around forever. She said that she understands that.
July 6th - R talk. Had telephone conversation with W about her moving into a new place at the end of July. She told me that she doesn't think that it is a good idea that she move back into our house and doesn't understand how I can possibly think that it is at this point. I agreed with her that I don't, but that it is also a difficult situation bc she will have to sign a 12 month lease somewhere. W and I took kids to dinner and then bowling and to play lasertag. We had a lot of fun together. W was smiling and laughing while bowling and player lasertag. Yet I could still sense the distance from her.
July 7th - Can't remember what we did exactly. No R talk. Just hanging out with W and the kids.
July 8th - I had to work for a few hours. W took my D for the day. I received a call from D's mom saying that D was upset that my W had gotten on to her for something. I called W to make sure that things were okay. W was not happy that my D had called her mom. I agreed with her bc it is something that my D does with me too. It undermines our R with my D. W and I talked more about it at dinner. Brief R talk... I told W that I would be talking to D about it. W said, 'why aren't we talking to her together?' I told her that we could.
July 9th - Went to Niece's birthday part with W and kids. W was very distant for most of the time. My D met one of BIL's cousins and became friends. They decided to have a sleepover at SIL and BIL's house. SS had planned to have a sleep over at his friend's house. W made plans to go out with one of her friends. I was home alone.
July 10th - I called SS in the morning to see when his friend's parents needed him to leave. He was staying at a friend's house who is literally across my backyard fence. I thought I would do this so that W could sleep in. SS told me that he needed to leave by noon. I told him to just come over to my house. W texted me a little later to see what I was up to. I told her that SS was coming over at noon. R talk... She flipped out. Asked me why I had made plans with her son without asking her. Told me that it was no longer my place to do things like that. I told her that her words and actions were inconsistent. That we act like a family and then I do something like this and she gets angry. She told me that we are not a family. Told me that if I did something like this again, she wouldn't have any contact with me. All of this was very inconsistent with W wanting to talk to my D together about the issue 2 days before. I did not bring that up though. I merely apologized and moved on.
I took SS to W's house a little later. I did not get out of the car. I waved at W. She told me to call her later after I picked my D up at SIL's. I picked my D up. Called W a bit later and told her what D and I were doing. Told her that she and SS could meet us. She agreed but said that she had plans later with a couple of her girlfriends. W and SS met D and I. I was very cold to W bc I was angry about the conversation from earlier. I'm sure that W noticed, but she did not say anything. W and SS left to go meet W's girlfriends about 30 minutes after meeting D and I. I did not speak to W again on this day.
July 11 - Didn't hang out with W. She spent the day trying to find a new place to live.
July 12 - Had long R talk with W on the phone. It started by her asking me if I would agree to let her have more of our furniture that she did not take in the first move. I told her that I'd have to think about it. W said that she doesn't feel ready to work on our M. She wishes that she knew why and she wishes that she knew how long it will take her. She doesn't know if she can feel the way that she used to about me and our M. Doesn't know if that will change with time.
She said she feels a lot of pressure bc she knows that I am waiting for her to make a decision. And she knows that she is distant when we are together. That she knows that I am frustrated bc I want to be close to her and that her distance hurts me.
She said that she enjoys the time we are spending together, but at the same time, it is emotionally draining bc she is thinking about 'us'. That going to hang out with her friends seems like a 'break' from that. Going out with her friends never felt like that before, bc she wanted to be with me. She doesn't feel like she wants to be around me all of the time like she used to.
I told her that I understand how she feels, but that it seems like she is trying NOT to want to work on things. I told her that I have suggested retrouvaille several times, but she refuses to consider it.
She said that she just doesn't feel ready to work on the M and that if we did something like that or MC, she feels that she would be trying to force it.
She said that she's not saying that it wouldn't be a good idea in the future, but only if and when she is ready.
She said that she is not happy about having to sign a 12 month lease, but she can't find any acceptable places that have shorter leases.
I told her again that I understand how she feels. That I am willing to be patient, but that I have to think about my own happiness too. That I am in limbo and I can't be here forever. That I am lonely and want to be with someone who wants to be with me. Who wants to be close to me.
She said that that is another thing, that I want something way different than I did when we were together... I want what she used to want from me... but now me wanting that life is even more of an adjustment for her.
She said that she knows that things can't go on like this forever. That eventually she needs to make a decision.
Went out with W and kids to dinner and a movie that night. -----------------------
July 13th - W watched my D for me while I worked. Later, I picked the kids up so that W could go meet her cousin to look at places to live. She and her cousin are going to live together to make things cheaper.
I took the kids for dinner and ice cream. W was on her way home and it began to storm. I met W at her place to drop SS off. W told me and D to go inside bc it was really raining and lightening. After a few minutes the storm lightened up. W asked me if I was going to stay for a little and if I wanted a drink. I told her taht I thought D and I would go. W made me a drink anyway. Ended up staying and talking to W on the front porch for about an hour. No R talk.
July 14 - My mom came up to visit my D and to stay at my house until I get back from Disney World. W had was hosting an open mic night at a wine bar right by my house. I went over there to watch W perform. My mom and D met me later. W was very cold to me and didn't spend much time talking to me. I know that she was hosting it and had to mingle a lot with the people who showed up, but it seemed as if she were trying to avoid me... almost to make a point that we are not together. My mom made a comment about that she was being rude to me. My mom and D left. I stayed until the show was over. W commented to me that I should have invited some of my friends so that I wouldn't have been so bored. I told her that I was fine. Afterwards, I headed home. W went home as well.
July 15th - SS had plans to go to a friend's house. I had told W earlier in the day to let me know if she wanted to go out for a drink bc my D would be spending time with my mom. W asked me if I wanted to go with her to watch her music partner (female friend) perform with her other band. I agreed. We drove up to where the show was. We watched her music partner's band until it ended at 9 p.m. We then decided to go to another blue's club to meet her music partner to watch another band. It seemed that we had a good time together. No R talk.
July 16th - W had a show in the mountains. She had to drive back bc our flight to Orlando was at 8 a.m. the next morning. I watched the kids. ---------------
July 17-22 Disney World Trip
Overall it was a very fun trip. W and I shared a lot of time together. We did not sleep in the same bed. I didn't expect that we would, but we hadn't talked about it ahead of time either. When we got to the room, there was a uncomfortable silence about where we should put our things. W made the comment that she didn't think that it would be appropriate to share a bed. I merely agreed and told her 'whatever is comfortable for you'.
W, the kids and I spent most of the time together. We only separated a few times during the entire trip. The kids both gave us some troubles with behaving. SS was surprisingly good most of the time. My D struggled with following direction from my W. D would get in moods where she was rude to both me and W. At one point, W and I had a discussion with her about calling her mom and lying about what was going on. W led this convo. Later that night, W and I spoke. W talked about her R with my D and how it would probably 'always' be. Seemed to be talking future.
I noticed W call me 'honey' and 'sweetie' at two different times before...
On Tuesday, we went to a water park. We had a locker. W asked me to go get something for her out of the locker. I saw her cell phone. I checked her email and saw that she had exchanged a couple of emails with OM.
R talk... I confronted W immediately there at the park. W said that she has been in contact with OM. She said that she had not seen him. She said that she can't help it if she 'likes him'.
I told W that she hasn't been honest with me. W said that I have put her in a place where she doesn't feel like she can be honest with me. That I have backed her into a corner. That I gave her an ultimatum after I found OM sitting on her toilet back on May31. That it was unrealistic for her to agree to not having any contact with OM. That she has tried things my way. "I have tried doing what you told me to do" by not having any contact. She said that she has to do it her way. That she doesn't know what she wants. That both OM and I are 'in waiting' for her to make a decision.
I was p!ssed and walked away. I found a place to be by myself for a while. W took the kids and went down some water slides. I decided that I needed to pull it together and make the most of the rest of the trip.
We all went to dinner that evening. W and I did not speak much. When we got back to the hotel, W did not speak to me. She went to bed.
The next morning we spoke out on the patio of our hotel suite. R talk...
More talk about how she doesn't feel the same way about me. That I am trying to force things. I told her that I will not compete with OM. She said that it isn't a competition between me and OM. That she needs to decide IF she can forgive me AND IF SO, does she want to be with me. She told me that I was controlling and was p!ssed that I had looked at her email.
I pointed out that in the days prior to her leaving me, she looked at my email and found some emails from an ex girlfriend of mine. She said that I had given her the emails. I told her that that was ridiculous. I had never done that. Why would I have done that?? I told her not to be a hypocrite about the email thing. She did not reply bc she knew that I was right (I presume).
I told W that our entire trip was a mirage. She disagreed and said that she had been having a good time with me.
W then went on to remind me of all of the horrible stuff that I did to her during our R and M. She asked me if I ever really listened to the lyrics to the songs she wrote. She named 3 of them and told me specifically what thing that I did that each song was about. She reminded me of of me getting angry with her on our wedding night.
W then asked me if I were her would I give myself another chance. I told that I didn't know. That it was hard to put myself in that position. I told her based upon everything that I have learned since she left me, that 'yeah' I would give myself another chance.
The convo seemed to just die without any kind of resolution. But we were not as angry with each other at the end of it.
The rest of the trip went off without any more problems. We seemed to have a great time together. I will say that it was more like friends than a married couple though.
W had me rub sunscreen on her back 2 different times during the trip. Once before the email incident and once afterwards. This was hard for me bc I wanted to be close to her.
We went to the pool one day. I was playing with the kids. Dunking them, giving them rides on my shoulders etc. At one point W was standing with us next to the pool. I playfully pushed W in the pool along with the kids. W got very angry with me (she doesn't like the water all that much). I was upset. I was quiet for about 30 minutes. I apologized to W for having done that. I told her that, "I'm just looking for any way to be playful with you. To be close to you." and walked away.
W was no longer angry with me after I said that.
There were other small comments made by W that was 'future' talk IMO... this happened both before and after the email incident.
Both W and I were exhausted the last 2 days of the trip. There were no arguments between us though.
During the entire trip, with the exception of the email incident and the 12 hours after it, I managed to be fun and in a good mood. I did everything that I could do to make sure that the kids had a great time. I was patient with the kids and W when they were cranky. When I was cranky, I did not mention it or show it. I was playful and funny. I let the kids pick on me when they wanted to. I did everything that I could do to be the best dad and H that I could be.
On the last night, W said to me, "You haven't gotten me a souvenir." I had actually bought her a sun dress on the first day, but I didn't mention that. I just said, 'I know.' W said this after I had just bought the kids some souvenirs. I snuck off and purchased something really small for W.
W and I watched a movie together on the flight home. We laughed together when it was funny. We went to dinner with the kids and my mom once we got back to Denver.
That was the Disney trip... -------------------------------
My 20 year high school reunion was the next day. My W had told me a couple of weeks earlier that she was not going to go and that she was going to take a show that had been offered to her bc she needed the money.
I drove to my hometown, Pueblo, on Saturday afternoon. My D drove down to Pueblo with my mom.
That afternoon, before the reunion, my W and I talked on the telephone. A friend of mine had died in a car accident a few days before. We talked about that and my reunion. W had another show on Monday night up in the mountains. It was an overnight show. She told me that OM was on the show. I didn't say anything other than thanks for letting me know.
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At my H.S. reunion, I ran into a girl that I had dated right around the same time that I began to date my W. I actually stopped dating this girl, who I will now call OW, when I started dating my W 8 1/2 years ago. OW is very, very attractive. She is one of the women that all the guys wanted to date in high school. She still looks great and was by far the best looking girl at the reunion. OW left the reunion early bc she had a going away party for one of her friends to go to.
An hour or so after OW left the reunion, I received a FB message from her. She did not have my telephone number at this point. She asked me where I was going after the reunion. I told her. She then asked me if she should come back to the reunion and go out with me and my friends. I told her that she should.
OW, some of my friends and I went out to a bar after the reunion. OW and I spent that time talking... just the two of us. She told me about her recent divorce. I told her the current status of my M.
While I was sitting at the bar talking to OW, W called me. It was about midnight. I did not answer. I stepped out of the bar and called W back about 20 minutes later. W told me that she was on her way home from her show and that she wanted to let me know that she was safe. I was thinking to myself that this was b.s. bc W has not called to let me know that she was safe after a show in months. W then asked me 'how many ex-girlfriends were at your reunion?' I told her that there were none. W then asked me who was with me at the bar. I did not tell her that OW was there. I just told her that I was there with my friends.
OW decided to leave and asked me if I wanted to have dinner the next night. I told her that would be great. ----------------------------
I spoke with W briefly on Sunday afternoon after her rehearsal in Vail for her show on Monday. She was staying both Sunday and Monday night. She told me that OM was not staying on Sunday bc he had a show back in Denver, but that he was staying on Monday night. Again, I did not comment on this.
I went to dinner with OW on Sunday night. It was obviously a date. OW and I discussed how we were both nervous. We went back to her place after dinner and watched some t.v. We did kiss but nothing else.
We decided to do something on Monday night too.
I did not speak to W on Monday. Monday night OW and I went for a drink and saw a movie. Nothing happened other than a kiss goodnight.
I stayed in Pueblo on Tuesday night. Spoke with W that evening. I was not in a good mood about her having stayed in Vail with the band that included OM. I asked her about it. I asked her about how it went with OM. She asked me, 'what do you mean? Did we get along? Did we talk? Yeah." I asked her, "is there anything that I need to know?" W said, "No Denver. There's nothing that you need to know. This is not about OM."
I told W, "I'm just getting tired of living this way W."
W and I talked about plans to go to dinner with her family on Wednesday night so that they could see my D before she flew home on Thursday morning. -------------------------
D and I met W and her family for dinner at PF Changs. I was not in a good mood. I was sad about D leaving. I was feeling awkward with W bc I could sense that she had distanced herself from me over the weekend. I was feeling guilty about having gone out with OW two times while in Pueblo.
W was also very distant from me. I asked W if something was wrong with her. She said that there wasn't, but that I was making her feel uncomfortable around her family bc I was 'zoning out'. I told her that I hadn't realized I was. I tried to pull it together and act normal, but I was very sad. I went to the bathroom a couple of times bc I felt that I was going to have a breakdown.
We went to W's sister's house for ice cream after dinner. I did not speak to W very much at all while there. At one point though, W asked me to text her my D's phone number so that SS could have it. I said that I would, but didn't do it right then. W asked me why I was being weird about it. I said that I wasn't that she and I would need to talk about it. W was irritated.
After about an hour or so, I told D to say goodbye to everyone, that we were going to go home and pack her stuff. W and SS decided to leave too and followed us out the door. I saw W bend down to talk to my D. W then got into her car.
I went over to where W was sitting in her car. I asked her what she had told my D.
W: "I told her the truth. I told her that I loved her and that I may not talk to her again if things don't work out between us."
She sounded irritated. This set off a big R talk.
W said that I was being weird about not wanting to text her my D's phone number to her. That it was controlling behavior and that she wasn't going to let me hold that over her head.
I asked her what she meant. She said that I was using the threat of her not being able to have contact with my D if she doesn't come back to me.
I told her that wasn't what I was doing. That my D's mom would not be happy about me giving D's phone # to her and that I had just said that we needed to talk about it.
I then told her that I was angry. That she should have been with me and my D on my trip to Pueblo for my high school reunion. I said something about us being a family. She responded that we are not a family. I said, 'yeah, you are right. We are not a family because you won't try."
W was clearly irritated. She said, "This just isn't working for me. This isn't working." She went on to say that she just doesn't feel the same way about me and our M.
She told me that she has tried and had hoped that our trip to Disney would produce a spark, but there wasn't. That there is no connection between us. That she and I are just in two different places. She said, "you won't be patient." "You want to force things." "You keep smothering me". "I am angry with you... and irritated." "You bug me about OM and my shows... which is understandable... but annoying."
I then told her, "Well, I need to tell you that I've decided to start dating W."
W got angry. She said, "I really don't care". She then asked me who I was going to date. I told her that it was OW who I had ran into at my h.s. reunion. That is was a OW that I have known since kindergarten.
W said that was "pathetic". "is it one of the b!tches that you keep in contact with on FB?". I didn't have a chance to answer her 'yes'. She said, "well, I think that we should just file for D."
W then said, "I'm not going to let you hold this over my head."
I told W that was not what I was trying to do. That I was trying to be honest with her. And that I needed to tell her tonight bc I had planned on going out with OW the next night.
I told W that I can't continue to live the way that I've been living. That I am lonely. That it isn't even the physical aspect that I miss, it is the companionship. I told her that I miss being close to someone. That I wanted so badly to be close to her while we were on her trip. That I just wanted to hold her.
I told her that OW had texted me after my h.s. reunion to see if I made to my sister's house safely and asked W, "do you know how nice it felt to have someone care whether or not I was okay, W?" W responded, "Yeah, I do. Because for 8 years you didn't give a sh!t. I was lonely for years in our M."
I told W, "I"m sorry that I made you feel like that for one second. But I can't continue to live like this."
W then changed what she was saying. She said to me, "Do you really think it is fair of you to date this woman when things are the way that they are? Don't you think that you need some time by yourself to heal? I mean, if you are really friends with her and have known her for so long?"
I told W that I have been completely honest with OW about everything.
W then calmed down a bit. We talked more about how she doesn't feel the same about me that she used to. She reminded me that she had told me when she first dropped the bomb that she wasn't the type of person who could go back to 'that' ... 'remember when I told you that I was not in love with you and I told you that I wasn't the type of person that could go back?'
W told me that she couldn't "go back to that house" feeling like she does. That she is excited about having her own place. That it has been nice not living "under your shadow" and nice to have taken care of herself. She said that she doesn't want to go back to "that".
I reminded her that I have not been asking her to go back to the way that things were.
I told her that I feel like I've been beating my head against a wall. That I would not have fought so hard for the past 8 months if I didn't believe with all of my heart that she and I were capable of having a great marriage together.
I told her that I am frustrated bc she hasn't given us a chance. That I feel that she hasn't tried. She responded that she feels that she has "at times". She then told me that she has listened to religious sermons that her mom gave her on M and that she has prayed a lot.
W said "you seem to think that you have it all figured out. Well, I don't."
She said that she simply isn't there. That we are in two separate places. W told me that she sees that I have changed but there are things about me that haven't. I asked her 'what things?' She told me that I am still very controlling and that she doesn't like that about me. And then she told me that she thinks that some of the things that i have changed were things that drew her to me in the first place. 'unhealthy things' that she says are probably the result of 'my childhood'. I asked her sarcastically if she wanted me to go back to being an 'a$$hole' ... she said 'no, of course not.'
Then she went on to say that she hopes that I am happy. That if that is with someone else then that will make her happy. She said, "or maybe we reconnect down the road" but again, she is not ready for that.
I then said, "then there is nothing left to talk about." I moved away from her car and went over to where the kids were. I hugged SS, told him that I love him and to call me if he needs me. My D and SS hugged goodbye. My D and I drove away. W and SS drove away and were behind us.
My D wanted me to slow down so she could wave at W and SS. I did and rolled down the passenger window. W and SS caught up. D waved at them and they waved back. W had a sick look on her face. She was obviously upset ... either angry, sad... something.
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My D flew home early the next, Thursday, morning. That night I went out with OW. W texted me at 11:30 p.m. "Did D make it home safely?"
I ignored the text for a couple of hours and finally responded, "yes, she did".
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On Friday W initiated brief text convo:
W: "I need you to let me know if I can take the furniture I asked about and if I can do that Monday. Based on our last conversation, I'm not sure what you want me to do. I just need to make a plan."
Me: "If you need the pieces that we talked about, then take them. We will sort it out later."
W: "It would be nice to have those items. We obviously will have to discuss several things in the future though."
Me: "Yeah."
W: "If you want to talk next week we can. I'm sorry the conversation was like it was the other night. I do want you happy Denver."
I did not respond.
W texted me again a bit later: "I will be by on Monday at 11 a.m. to get the furniture. I'm going to take my buddah statute and my plant stand fro the back yard also."
I did not respond.
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I did not speak to W on Saturday. I know that she had another out of town over night gig in the mountains.
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W texted me yesterday (Sunday): "I will be at your place at 11 tomorrow. Will you be there?"
Me: "I may come back from court to pick up the dogs. I'd offer to help move the furniture out of the house, but I will be in a suit."
W: "I have some guys from school coming to help. Thanks though. Just want to stay out of your way."
I did not reply.
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W called me this morning bc she was having trouble getting into the house. As she was telling me, she was able to open the garage door. I merely said, 'okay' and 'talk to you later'.
I went to my house a few hours later to see the empty spaces where a few items of furniture had resided just hours before. ---------------------------
So that brings my situation up to date.
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About OW - I hung out with her again on Sunday morning and afternoon. We went out for brunch and then went back to my house. We fell asleep on the couch watching t.v. When I woke up, I looked at her and couldn't believe that it was not my W.... I felt sad that it was not my W.
OW just got a job up in Denver and is moving up here and staying with a friend of her's who lives about 10 minutes from me.
I find myself comparing her to W constantly. I find myself feeling guilty for being with her.
We have not had sex, but we have kissed. And it is certainly heading in that direction.
We exchange a lot of text messages back and forth.
She is extremely nice to me and obviously is happy talking to me and spending time with me.
She told me the other night that she wished that I was there with her.
She likes my dogs... whereas my W was never a fan.
It is nice to have someone care about me and WANT to be with me... to WANT to share their time with me, and WANT me to touch them.
Yet... I still want my W. I am beginning to ask myself 'why?'
-----------------------
My thoughts -
W sounds like she has made her decision. That her decision is to be by herself. I still do not believe that this was ever a choice bw OM and I.
I believe that there is more to it... I believe that it is a choice of lifestyle for W. I believe that she does not want the responsibility of being M'd right now. That she is enjoying being able to have freedom to do what she wants when she wants. That the choice was THIS vs. going back to me and risking going back to the way things were.
But... OM is still in the picture and I am sure that W will gravitate back to him.
A couple of things that I have accepted over the past month:
1) My M is over. For my W it has been over for 9 months. I am the only one who has been clinging to the idea that I have been trying to 'save' anything. W is divorced from me in her mind... she is, and has been, emotionally D'd from me. The only thing keeping us M'd is a piece of paper. IF we are ever to reconcile, it will be the result of a brand new R. This R will have to be built from the ground up.
This has caused me to ask myself if that is something that I want to do with W. It seems much easier to just begin fresh with someone new.
2) Any R with W is impossible until she has OM completely out of her system. I have read on this board for months that an A is like a drug. It is. I do believe what W said... that she has tried not having any contact with OM.. and it has not worked. Why? Bc of the way that OM makes her feel. It is still a relatively new R that was cut short by W's doubts back in February and March. Her attempts to stop cold turkey have not worked. She will have to go back and let that R work towards a natural end... or naturally continue into something more serious.
I can have no place in this process for this to happen.
In the meantime, right now, I am in hell. I feel that my W has left me all over again. I feel that I have been knocked back to where I was in Nov/Dec/Jan. Words cannot express the hole that I feel in my heart and the emptiness that I feel.
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I know that this is a very long update/post. Thanks for reading if you made it through.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I have been following your story since January and I have had so many similar things happen to me this past month, even the same words from my H about being scared, etc. Only difference is we still have a physical R. I kept reading your above post in hopes that it would be a positive outcome that you have worked so hard for. I was also hoping that something in it would help click for me too. You do have a positive outcome though. You have moved forward and accepted what is. I hope to be a fortunate as you and come to that acceptance stage. It seems as if you are embarking on a new future with so much knowledge that your next R with another W will benefit from.
Best of luck--
H:41 W:44 D1:19 D2:17 S:13 D3:7 T:20 M:18 Bomb:1/5/11 Sep:2/18/11 No D filed yet; just threats
Denver, I only have one thing to say. You're a great person deserving of love but you have not db'ed...
Absolutly no space given AND she she has dirsespected you, your family, and herself by continued communication with OM.
R talk after R talk after R talk... Geez...
Let her go completely... See OW if you can be fair to her.
Your W is being clear...
Your assessment is correct... MOVE ON...
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
I have been following your story since January and I have had so many similar things happen to me this past month, even the same words from my H about being scared, etc. Only difference is we still have a physical R. I kept reading your above post in hopes that it would be a positive outcome that you have worked so hard for. I was also hoping that something in it would help click for me too. You do have a positive outcome though. You have moved forward and accepted what is. I hope to be a fortunate as you and come to that acceptance stage. It seems as if you are embarking on a new future with so much knowledge that your next R with another W will benefit from.
Best of luck--
I wish that I were in the acceptance stage...
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
W commented to me that I should have invited some of my friends so that I wouldn't have been so bored. I told her that I was fine.
Denver, this comment had nothing to do with how you, it shows how your W was/is feeling. It made HER uncomfortable.
And really, this sums up much of your sitch.
Your W on stage while you sit there watching her.
How does this look?
You need to be consistent, and right now I see anything but. Between your words one day to the next, and between your words and your actions.
So what leads to the inconsistency? Have your changes been real? Or have you been just acting like the guy you think your W wants?
This may be a tough question to answer.
You are right about the show CS... but she did invite me and my D. And she USED to like when I'd sit and watch her on stage. Of course that is in the distant past I suppose.
I have been inconsistent, but at the same time, I have been getting multiple mixed signals from my W. She says one thing one day, and another the next. It makes it very difficult to know what she wants or doesn't want from me.
I need to let go until she figures out what SHE wants in her life.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I agreed with her that I don't, but that it is also a difficult situation bc she will have to sign a 12 month lease somewhere.
I told her that I understand how she feels, but that it seems like she is trying NOT to want to work on things. I told her that I have suggested retrouvaille several times, but she refuses to consider it.
That I am willing to be patient, but that I have to think about my own happiness too.
"I"m sorry that I made you feel like that for one second. But I can't continue to live like this."
But's tend to destroy all the words in front of them. It invalidates them.
Just pointing it out, not beating you down.
Or lessens them...
Quote:
We did kiss but nothing else.
We kissed.
I'm not sure I'd be ok with my wife kissing another man...even if they did nothing else. I wasn't ok with it when all they did was kiss. Just saying.
Brother, in some ways the OW is going to be a distraction from your wife that will help you...its going to cost you, it'll cost her.
She'll help you dettach and go dark, she already has...or rather, you thinking of her has allowed you to do so.
And when you truly leave your wife alone?
Let her make up her own mind...well man, I think your going to see what I mean about cost later.
It hurts.
You're not your own man, as super fly cool as this lady might be, she is a crutch for your desire to feel needed, wanted and attractive.
You're already comparing her to your wife.
You're short changing this woman, unless she is ok with that, and this is nothing more than physical desires being met.
The stove is hot Denver.
I'm not juding you, pitfalls and pain is all. I'd spare you that, and the guilt from pain you make.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
