IMO, I think a simple text with no followup might be appropriate. You have been with this woman a long time, and she has been very special to you in the past.
Perhaps: "Happy Anniversary. Thinking of you"
H 51, W 46 no kids T 22 years M 17 years ILBNILWY 2/10 1st D talk 6/10 partial recovery W files D 5/11 long distance separation 8/11 moving forward on D 10/11 legal separation complete 1/2012
Denver, I don't have much to add so I found some quotes for you.
“How you think about a problem is more important than the problem itself. So always think positively.” - NORMAN VINCENT PEALE
“If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all of your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness and fear” - CESARE PAVESE
"The very best proof that something can be done is that someone has already done it" -- BERTRAND RUSSELL
I hope the rest of your day is pleasant despite the storm you find yourself in.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Unless there's a no contact "rule", For anniversaries, why not send a card or flowers and write
"It's still worth remembering"...
I saved this from one of 25's post and think it fits your sitch Denver. The card and flowers might be too much, perhaps just a simple text. IDK. Something to think about I suppose.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I have been following along for a little while now and really hesitated chiming in on Denver's thread b/c he is getting great advice and his situation seems to be improving......
I too was concerned when there was a lot of talk about boundaries, transparency, trust and verify, etc.
Way too early for this kind of talk.
Basically a lot of focus on Denver's W, his W's words, his W's actions, and really getting away from Denver focusing on Denver.
As you said, focusing on your role in the downfall of the marriage is very important......I think Denver has identified those things that he did or failed to do in his marriage.
Has he fixed those things?????......
probably not yet and probably there is no permenant "fix", it is probably a "life-long work in progress" thing.
At some point though I think that one needs to move past those mistakes and start to focus on the positive things in their individual life, this is where true happiness is found.
When you discover that your individual happiness is not tied to the success or failure of your marriage you can start to make decisions that are "healthy" for you as an individual.
IMO, Denver and his W are NOT reconciling nor are they trying to reconcile, and to be clear.......
Reconciling or Reconciliation is a process that takes place over time.
Reconciled is the past tense of reconciling and is how a committed couple in a happy marriage would collectively refer to their relationship.
What is reconciling or better yet what is reconciling to DENVER?
Also.....
What does reconciling look like to Denver?
Correct me if I am wrong, but if Denver and his wife are in the process of reconciling then there is a commitment of both people to "work" on the marriage and there is an understanding that it will be hard work and that it will not be easy.
Furthermore......if they agree that they are in reconciliation then both parties "want" the marriage to work and want to be married to each other.......right???
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Did DENVER make it clear to his wife that in THIS "space" MONTH there are to be no OPs?
No he did not make it clear, but they are not reconciling.....
they are just talking about it. To "make it clear" would be to clarify a boundary that Denver has.......and quite a reasonable one at that, really more like a minimum. If Denver clarified his boundary it would only add pressure, make him look weak and controlling.
What is a poor man to do????
Look away my friend, close FB, stop texting, stop engaging her.....you have made your intentions clear.......
You would like to work on the marriage.
She heard you..........now let her decide.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Last I heard, they were taking some time for themselves b/c they did not want to rush the reconciliation... and
they want to be careful about it. Seems healthy to me!
They are not rushing "reconciliation" because they are not in the act of reconciling.
THIS IS THE POINT I AM TRYING TO MAKE........
When Denver's W commits THEN there will be clear expectations on both sides, otherwise it will fail.
I am not trying to promote doom and gloom but rather a healthy look at things as they stand.
I see Denver moving closer to his W and his W seems to be receptive and cautious however at some point it is reasonable for Denver to have some "expectations" of his wife in a committed relationship.
If things continue as they are it is only going to cause Denver great pain and he is going to come back here over and over and over again.......frustrated, hurt and confused.
IMO Denver needs to let his W take a step towards him. Until that time he needs to focus on himself.......his marriage is on hold, there is a time out..........
I bet if you asked Denver's W about their marriage she would completely agree that they are on a "time out".
Everytime he engages his W he is sending a message that says he is okay with the situation as it stands.........clearly he is not "okay" with things as they are.
It bothers him and it will continue to bother him.......
How can he expect her to stop what she is doing if he continually sends the message that he is "okay" with her actions.
He doesn't know what she is doing or who she is with.........
it bothers him.
Is this how Denver envisions reconciliation??????
If he does not stop engaging her this is exactly what reconciliation will look like for them.
Denver,
Give the positive steps you have made time to take hold.
You are trying to watch the grass grow.......
TIME my friend......TIME.
throw out that deadline you have.....
there is more pain ahead if you hold on to that one.
Love your W from afar.......it is still okay to love her....
Go buy a card, tell her how much you love and adore her,
Date the card.....seal it....put it away for another day.
There will come a day when you guys ARE RECONCILED and it will just be a normal day.......think about how she will feel when you give her that card on that day. You can tell her that you were thinking of her even when you guys were apart.
How is that???
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
although I want to acknowledge that they have made progress.
Only a few months ago things looked a lot worse than they do now.
I don't know if it's semantics or more, but clearly they are not reconciled yet,
but they are considering it...that's something.
As for the anniversary
I feel it's kind of important to say something, but not to do a lot.
It's a fine line --but I do NOT believe
that any Single thing Denver does or says, short of a big event, (e.g., hitting her, screaming, losing his temper or repeating old bad behaviors in a big way)
will determine their future.
Denver, remember that question I asked,
which was something like
"isn't the core reason for your past mistreatment of your w,
based on fear in some form? Fear of losing control, fear of her leaving you", etc.
And those fears were the reason you criticized her, & fear is why you sometimes berated her and well...
rather than me going on in this line, b/c... well,
b/c I don't want to rehash the negatives
as I honestly believe you have owned your part
I just want to show you the possibility you are repeating old behaviors...at some level.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
