Hell Denver, I know sticking my hand into a running blender is going to hurt. It's not even something that tempts me when its running.
Some actions you just know are going to end in tears.
Yeah... sent my day into a bad spiral.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Denver, I think going downward is good sometimes. You can come out of it with more insight.
I am so biased, so take this for what it's worth. I don't think that anything could make me pursue my H now. I can be patient and watch for signs of improvement, but I am way past the point where I could actively try to get him back. If he went dark, I would detach, if he seemed interested in someone else, I would disappear.
I took steps to get out of the M (opened a shop so I had my own income), your wife had an A. Both are ways to move out of the M. Partly because of my actions,my H now seems to want to save the M, and that means he has to stop the behaviour that caused me to take those steps. He also has to reassure me, over time, that they are lasting before I can envision a future with him.
You can stay open and listen to/understand her without being taken advantage of, or having expectations. This doesn't mean you have to see her all the time, just keep this in mind whenever the opportunity presents itself.
Denver, I think going downward is good sometimes. You can come out of it with more insight.
I am so biased, so take this for what it's worth. I don't think that anything could make me pursue my H now. I can be patient and watch for signs of improvement, but I am way past the point where I could actively try to get him back. If he went dark, I would detach, if he seemed interested in someone else, I would disappear.
I took steps to get out of the M (opened a shop so I had my own income), your wife had an A. Both are ways to move out of the M. Partly because of my actions,my H now seems to want to save the M, and that means he has to stop the behaviour that caused me to take those steps. He also has to reassure me, over time, that they are lasting before I can envision a future with him.
You can stay open and listen to/understand her without being taken advantage of, or having expectations. This doesn't mean you have to see her all the time, just keep this in mind whenever the opportunity presents itself.
Thanks Toon. I think that my W would respond in much the same way that you describe of yourself here if I over played my hand. I'm just trying to balance it out a little better than I did back in March. Give her the space that she says that she needs, keep showing her that my changes are real and permanent, and keep enforcing the boundaries that I set a few weeks ago.
Thanks again!
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
W texted me on Tuesday afternoon to see if I had looked into Disney World packages. I had and sent her some of the information.
W texted me on Tuesday night to see if I could help her with some financial aid documents for her application for SS to attend private school next year. I told her that I would and to let me know on Thursday what she needed.
We talked and texted back and forth on Wednesday about the help that she needed. W was planning on going to a friend of her's for dinner. She asked me if she could come to our house afterwards to give me some documents that she needed faxed and so that I could help her with some questions on the application. I told her that she could after I got home from the gym.
I had not heard from her by the time that I got home from working out. She called at around 9 saying that she had just got home from her friend's house and the SS had a friend at the house for a sleepover. She suggested that I could come over to her place or that we could do it on Thursday. I told her that I would just go over there.
I arrived at her house. She invited me inside. We did took care of the application and she gave me the docs that she needed me to fax for her. That took about 30 minutes. Afterwards, she asked me if I wanted a drink. I told 'sure'.
We ended up sitting out on her front porch for about 2 1/2 hours just talking. Well, mostly it was W talking as she got a little tipsy. There was no R talk. We mainly just talked about SS, my daughter and life. It was nice.
SS came out and sat on my lap for a while at one point.
We said goodnight and I left.
The only talk having anything to do with our R/M was:
1) When we were doing the financial aid application, I noticed a desk lamp that looked a lot like one that I had a very long time ago. I asked her where she got it bc I thought that it might have been mine (thought that I had thrown it out a long time ago). W told me that it was OM's. I responded with a simple 'oh. it looks a lot like one that I used to have'. A minute or two later W said, 'I have a few things of OM's here that I will need to give back to him eventually.' I didn't say anything.
2) W was talking about her teaching job and all of the politics with the school district. She said that she thought that maybe she could make just as much money just singing, giving voice lessons, and doing private tutoring if she got fed up with the politics. She said, 'that is something that you might want to consider if I'm back with you.' I said, 'what do you mean?' W said, 'I may decide that I don't want to be a teacher anymore.' I told her, 'That doesn't matter to me W.'
----
W and I have tickets to another concert tomorrow night.
I'm finding it odd that W told me 16 days ago that she wanted to just be completely by herself in June yet she is contacting me almost every day.
I have no idea if she is talking to OM. She told me that she was done with that ... also 16 days ago. I guess that I just have to trust that unless I see signs that that is not the case.
One thing that I have noticed is that the vitriol that my W had towards me, the outward anger... that she had through much of April and all of May has not been there. W has been much more pleasant to me.
I keep going back to the comment that she made last Friday night that she needs 'to work on my anger towards you'. Maybe she is actually doing that. I am cautiously optimistic.
I do sometimes find myself lost in thoughts of anger and hurt over what happened with OM when I am talking with W. It is a fresh wound that I am still not over. I have found this more difficult to move past than in February when I initially found out that she had dated OM.
That's all for now.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I hear you regarding old correspondence. Heck, I have emails from two weeks prior to the bomb which assure me W "will love me for years".
Recently my sister did an audit/"his-hers sorting" of old memorabilia and that put me through the wringer seeing old love letters from when we were 16. But you know, mixed in were a lot of great letters from other friends and it actually helped me remember how many people care about me--and one of them provided a clue to find an old friend I'd been searching for for over a decade, and it was great to get in touch with her finally (innocently, people!)
While it hurts tremendously, it can be sometimes good to remember that things used to be fantastic. It helps me believe that my M is still worth fighting for, because right now it just seems an endless supply of pain.
I'm guilty of reviewing old letters and emails from W. I sorted through probably 6 years of emails about a week before going dark. It was painful, but in a good way I think. Like I said in my thread, it's somewhat a sense of closure, that this part of my life is done and I have to move on.
Originally Posted By: hoswald
While it hurts tremendously, it can be sometimes good to remember that things used to be fantastic. It helps me believe that my M is still worth fighting for, because right now it just seems an endless supply of pain.
completely agree!
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
Glad to hear she has calmed down. In your description of the evening together, this jumped out at me.
Quote:
She told me that it makes her feel that she isn't good enough for me.
She told me that 'when' she is in my life it can't be like that anymore.
I told her that I know that I had made her feel like this, and that I had created the problem. But at the same time, I didn't think that it would be right for her to be too controlling.
W said that her feeling on this subject might change in the future, "in 6 months, 5 years, or never." But that she can't feel like she did bc it made her extremely unhappy.
I assume that you know what she is talking about. I have a problem with the idea that someone MAKES someone else feel a certain way. This by no means absolves you from thoughtless or boorish behavior. You should not engage in thoughtless, boorish or hurtful behavior. On the other hand, chatting in line at a coffee shop with women is not equivalent to staying out at bars flirting with women, or having a lapdance.
There's got to be a balance here. If she is hypersensitive and feels hurt every time you talk to a woman, that is her problem, not yours. I am reminded of the over-bearing husbands who accuse their wives of infidelity if they so much as speak to a man in the neighborhood.
