My wife Denver was not strong enough to do so and that is why I believe your sitch is soo oooooo much better.
Well, it remains to be seen if mine is 9. I do think that the fact that I have now made it clear that I am out if she doesn't had an effect. We'll see.
Thanks man.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I hesitated to post this because I don't usually get this personal on the boards anymore...
I have to say that Thatgirl's post, helped me to realize exactly why it is I have push you so hard...
You remind me, of my STBXH, in many many ways. Mostly in the way that you made your W feel...
I can't tell you in words how much I wanted him to be different, even after I realized how ugly I had become because of the treatment that I accepted, the spoken and unspoken messages that I internalized. I can't tell you how hard it was for me to break free of those thought patterns for myself. The anger that I went through at first. I was angry at him and myself for all of it. And for a long while, I wanted him to hurt as badly as I had, even though I just wanted him to be different and want to reconcile...
As I realized that I was dealing with MLC and not just WAH, my anger began to subside some, the desire to reconcile NOW, was set aside...I was dealing with a monster of an entirely different color and I knew that there was a long road ahead...
And I took time to really heal myself from all of it...
Even after I became stronger and didn't want to be with him anymore, I still hoped that he would wake up and change...
For himself... for someone else...
And I hold that hope for you as well...
The truth of the matter, I didn't decide that I couldn't be with him anymore if he were to want to come back because I stopped loving him. I will always hold love for him in my heart.
I made the choice to stop standing for me.
For lots of reasons, including that I didn't know if I would be strong enough to not fall back into patterns of behavior that were not good for either of us. Especially if he did...
The day came when I met a man. A wonderful man that I love very very much...
Who is very different from STBXH in many many ways...
The most important way, is that he tells me and shows me that he loves me and wants me daily...me, no one else, no matter how cute, cranky, happy or sad I may be...
For me, it was hard to accept at first, hard to believe it was real and that it would last, because it was something that I had wanted for so long in my life and hadn't really felt...
and those fears, almost cost me this R...
Eventually, I came to trust it, to believe in him, to believe that I deserved to be treated well and that someone really did want me and love me...
The damage is still there though...the scars...I am ashamed to admit that once in a while, when things get difficult, when wires get crossed, if I feel even the littlest bit like I did in my marriage (which is, simply put, unimportant to him), my initial instinct is to run or to push him away...
Because I would rather be alone than feel that way again...
I haven't actually done it yet, although I have tried in small ways, because BF understands. Sometimes it is very frustrating for him, but it doesn't take long for him to realize what I am actually doing and why...
He tries to understand and reassure and comfort, much much more than he should ever have to...
It may not seem like it, but your W, is giving you an opportunity to really begin to show her that it won't be the same...
You can't show her that by acting superior because you have done some work and you think she hasn't, bullying, smothering, or expecting her to believe you in just six short months...
Trust me, she may not seem like she is doing anything to you but having an A, but it sure seems like she is trying to figure out if she believes that she is really lovable...
It took you a long time to create your end of this mess...
It is going to take her a long time to see that it doesn't have to be the same...
Regardless of how this turns out, regardless of whether you decide that you want her or not, or she wants you or not...
I hope that you can find, really find within yourself, what it is that you need to find to make sure that you treat the next person in your life...like she is the most special, most important person in the world to you...
Cat what a powerful post. From a person that is waaaaay behind on this journey compared to you what I highlighted in bold is EXACTLY some of my fears. Anyways just wanted to stop in and say great post.
I read everyone's sitch but I am taking time to myself right now and using my own thread to post my thoughts and journal.
Ok Denver, I've followed your post and good 'ol SBH is going to play devils advocate (love that movie)...
I do not understand all this empathy for bad behavior. I'm sorry! I don't! Your W committed adultry! Sorry but going to a strip club and looking at porn is not the same as physical intercourse with another person. I can't imagine your pain. I am so sorry for your hurt. But how many times are we as LBS's supposed to get kicked in the BA!!s and get back up.
"ILUBINILWU" - Kick in the BA!!s "I'm leaving you" - Kick in tbe BA!!s "I am having an EA" - Kick in the BA!!s "I am f'ing someone else" - Kick in the BA!!s
REALLY???????
I get it Denver, you made mistakes in your relationship. SO DID SHE!!! 1+1=2 Denver. Two people made mistakes. you AND YOUR WIFE!!!
Look, I'm all for saving Marriages and I hope you save yours because it's what YOU want.
But I'm not going to sugarcoat this ultimate betrayal.
SHE IS WRONG! SHES WRONG TODAY AND TOMORROW. SHE WILL ALWAYS BE WRONG FOR CHEATING.
I know that I am going against the grain here and that's ok with me...
Respect your W? Maybe I can understand what she did.... But respect her? NOPE!
Good luck Denver. I truly wish you the best. And I hope you get whatever it is you ultimately want.
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
Originally Posted By: Spellfire Ah its a shame you needed to talk to her when she shut down your phone. Her ability to keep reeling you back in is working against you.
It happened.
And I am going to disgree spellfire.
With this kind of language. Sorry.
It doesn't help Denver. Instead makes him feel like a piece of sh!t. IMO the man is taking too many of those arrows already.
From his wife.
With what kind of language? Because I used the word shame (and you bold it) in the context of "its a shame"? How is this an arrow at Denver? I am certainly not implying he should be ashamed of anything.
What I am saying is that she is being manipulative because after calling him and being abusive towards him for not answering, she finally took it a step further and shut it off. Clearly he needed that phone and she knew it, I was merely saying it was a "shame" (is there a less offensive word I might use here?) that he depends on that phone and needs it active. It was nothing to do with placing shame on him.
I am on Denver's side in this, honestly. I am not gunning for him.
The second thing of mine you quoted is MY SIGNATURE and not directed at Denver's specific sitch at all. It is a quote from Strong & Alive, someone who helped me a great deal in resolving my personal situation.
Denver, sorry for spamming up your thread. I felt called out for my view and wanted to make it clear that I am behind you all the way. Wasn't even intended as a 2x4.
Spellfire aka Mike
"Women do not like controlling men. They respect and are attracted to men who control themselves. They ultimately are repelled by men who allow themselves to be controlled." -S&A
Ok Denver, I've followed your post and good 'ol SBH is going to play devils advocate (love that movie)...
I do not understand all this empathy for bad behavior. I'm sorry! I don't! Your W committed adultry! Sorry but going to a strip club and looking at porn is not the same as physical intercourse with another person. I can't imagine your pain. I am so sorry for your hurt. But how many times are we as LBS's supposed to get kicked in the BA!!s and get back up.
"ILUBINILWU" - Kick in the BA!!s "I'm leaving you" - Kick in tbe BA!!s "I am having an EA" - Kick in the BA!!s "I am f'ing someone else" - Kick in the BA!!s
REALLY???????
I get it Denver, you made mistakes in your relationship. SO DID SHE!!! 1+1=2 Denver. Two people made mistakes. you AND YOUR WIFE!!!
Look, I'm all for saving Marriages and I hope you save yours because it's what YOU want.
But I'm not going to sugarcoat this ultimate betrayal.
SHE IS WRONG! SHES WRONG TODAY AND TOMORROW. SHE WILL ALWAYS BE WRONG FOR CHEATING.
I know that I am going against the grain here and that's ok with me...
Respect your W? Maybe I can understand what she did.... But respect her? NOPE!
Good luck Denver. I truly wish you the best. And I hope you get whatever it is you ultimately want.
I just wanted to point out that none of us here condone Denver's W's actions or think that physical intercourse with another person is equal to Denver's past behavior in his M. Nor did anyone, I think, say that Denver's W was perfect or hadn't made mistakes. Ultimately, Denver knows the truth of the cause and effect of his actions and I think he's firmly established what his boundaries are.
I was simply offering him a glimpse into his W's perspective because I could identify so much with her in the scope of the conversation he replayed for us.
But I do want to say that it takes a heck of a man to face his own past behavior and mistakes, acknowledge the root of the problem and embrace change.
Me: 33, H: 32 M: 12 years T: 13 years No kids D-Day: 7/2009 Separated: 10/12/10 Future Unknown GITS
"There's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out the dark." - Adele
No worries Spellfire. I am in control of my sitch here. I appreciate all opinions and view points.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I just wanted to point out that none of us here condone Denver's W's actions or think that physical intercourse with another person is equal to Denver's past behavior in his M. Nor did anyone, I think, say that Denver's W was perfect or hadn't made mistakes. Ultimately, Denver knows the truth of the cause and effect of his actions and I think he's firmly established what his boundaries are.
I was simply offering him a glimpse into his W's perspective because I could identify so much with her in the scope of the conversation he replayed for us.
But I do want to say that it takes a heck of a man to face his own past behavior and mistakes, acknowledge the root of the problem and embrace change.
And I APPRECIATE it more than I can ever say in words TG. Thank you again.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Ok Denver, I've followed your post and good 'ol SBH is going to play devils advocate (love that movie)...
I do not understand all this empathy for bad behavior. I'm sorry! I don't! Your W committed adultry! Sorry but going to a strip club and looking at porn is not the same as physical intercourse with another person. I can't imagine your pain. I am so sorry for your hurt. But how many times are we as LBS's supposed to get kicked in the BA!!s and get back up.
"ILUBINILWU" - Kick in the BA!!s "I'm leaving you" - Kick in tbe BA!!s "I am having an EA" - Kick in the BA!!s "I am f'ing someone else" - Kick in the BA!!s
REALLY???????
I get it Denver, you made mistakes in your relationship. SO DID SHE!!! 1+1=2 Denver. Two people made mistakes. you AND YOUR WIFE!!!
Look, I'm all for saving Marriages and I hope you save yours because it's what YOU want.
But I'm not going to sugarcoat this ultimate betrayal.
SHE IS WRONG! SHES WRONG TODAY AND TOMORROW. SHE WILL ALWAYS BE WRONG FOR CHEATING.
I know that I am going against the grain here and that's ok with me...
Respect your W? Maybe I can understand what she did.... But respect her? NOPE!
Good luck Denver. I truly wish you the best. And I hope you get whatever it is you ultimately want.
I would have agreed with everything that you just said 7 months ago SBH. What I have learned in the past 7 months though?
1) Love and marriage/relationships... it is not a zero sum game...
2) That we can never say just how we will react to any given situation until we actually face it.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
"But I do want to say that it takes a heck of a man to face his own past behavior and mistakes, acknowledge the root of the problem and embrace change."
All well and good Thatgirl...
I wonder if his W plans on doing the same.
"I was simply offering him a glimpse into his W's perspective because I could identify so much with her in the scope of the conversation he replayed for us."
I get it Thatgirl.
But you fail to mention, as do most of the posters, that Denver also has a "perspective". And can you relate to HIS difficulties in the M.
She cheated!
Bottom line!!!
If you cheated on a test would you blame the teacher?
There is NO justification!!!
NO cause!!!
NO excuse!!!
NO reason!!!
She can divorce Denver and do what she wants.
BUT THEY ARE M!!!!!
Sorry to hijack Denver. But I'm so sick and tired of us men being the CAUSE of our spouses unhappiness.
She CHOOSE to have an A!!!
IT'S WRONG!!! BOTTOM LINE!!!
SBH - OUT!!!
M: 42 - W: 41 - M: 18 - T: 23 - D:16 S:14 EA - July 2010 NC w/EA - Nov 2010 Piecing - Jan 2011 I ask for div - Jan 2012 Div papers filed - Mar 2012 I move out - July 2012 Divorce final - Nov 7, 2012
