It's Over

[25yearsmlc]

Denver,

All you "must" decide today, is what you're going to do, today.

[MrBond]

IMHO you need to stop all contact. The ball is in your court. You have the control. If she texts you, no matter how crazy, don't respond. Let her wonder what your next move is. You told her you would file, so let her stew on that. You don't need to explain anything.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

A few problems with not being LBS crazy anymore, is it's easy to tell someone NOT to be LBS crazy.

Why they shouldn't, the potential for damamge to themselves and others.

And no matter what happens Denver, if you stick around here and help others, you're going to warn others too and shake your head at them when they do the things you suggest they don't.

From my point of view alone, are you controlling?
I think so. Maybe not as bad as you were, but it is there.
If I believe that...even a little, it is multiplied in your wife. She expects it and is looking for it, and will assign that behaviour in places it doesn't even exist, just because it appears that way.

I cannot fault you for actions I took myself, so I won't. I'd ask others to recall their actions that if viewed now would have them shame-faced as well.

You did; it is done.

Many of the things can be described as heat of the moment words, on both your part and hers. Heat of the moment, anger and rage.
Not all of it...needs to be followed through, not all of it was logical.

How many days are left on your counter that you set up when you were logical?

When all this went down for me, I had a tough as nails no nonsense boss, who took me into her office, sat me down, and asked me what was going on. I burst into tears...like a five year old who skinned her knee.

It wasn't because I wasn't doing my job, but she knew something was going on. When I finished she told me, that her and her husband had gone through something similar.

"Everyone gets one big f-ck up, Jack. Now does that mean one night? Or one person until they wake up? Well that's up to you to determine."


That was over 5 years ago.


Its up to you to determine Denver.

To determine what 1 f-ck up means.




Own your part in what happened.

Did you break in?

Uhhh...yeah you did. Don't lawyer weasel out of the wording.

Would you have invited your SS out to breakfast if you hadn't wanted an excuse to get inside?


Own your part and actions Denver, no deflection and no Teflon.



Your conversation and texting.

Seems to me, she is calming down and looking to...I don't know be civil.

You have skills and advice.

You say you know things.

So...up to you.

I think if he leaves her alone, files, and solidifies himself, she may well come back. Just my take.

With the exception of filing, I agree with the Count.
Filing the paperwork, and Denver's, no offense, lack of patience are combination that I think will allow Denver to move forward that will only complicate this even further. My take is for Denver to finish out his self established deadline before really considering any filing.

[JustStunned]

Denver, I have been flying under the radar here dealing with my own turbulence. I will not belabor the other posts and I have little to add. For all of the mistakes you feel you made and relive during your personal replay, it is done and in the past, agonizing over the past solves nothing.

Own it, box it, put it on a shelf, and look forward.

Change is often chaotic and destructive. Change is inevitable. We cannot move on without it.

[InAPickle]

Denver I've read your "convos" and I gotta tell you son, your emotions are on a leash and guess who's at the other end.

From what I've read, you may have a controlling fault, but she's the one that's controlling you - emotionally - her words, her actions, her silence, her inaction. You gotta get off that bus man.

There's a huge internal conflict for you to wrestle with. You like to be in control of a situation, but how can you be when your feelings are beyond your own control?

You want to be objective, calculating, systematic, patient. You want to love another human being as an act of the will and not based on your feelings.

This is going to take time pal, not 75 days, not 90 days; I mean real time. She is nowhere near ready for you. Let that sink in and get off of her leash.

The sooner you get control of your own emotions, the sooner you will be able to regain control of your future plans.

I would not presume to advise you specifically about SS or OM or bounderies or filing for D or anything like that, because you will know what to do, once those emotions are no longer controlling you.

FWIW, I've had my own knock down drag outs with STBXW. I doesn't accomplish anything and actaully makes things worse. It confirms their re-write of history, their jusification for their sins, their longing to be free from us, everything the BITS are fighting.

Take care buddy; you'll be in my prayers.

Pickle

[Edmond Dantes]

Just to be clear, I would not suggest filing but for the credibility issue not filing raises. It might be possible, given your somewhat shared view that the marriage certificate is just a piece of paper, to just walk away without filing and keep your credibility. If you think you can, I would recommend that option.

As far as the texting and the phone calls go, I can see how in the short term you might feel that the communication, poor as it is, is soothing you and the situation somehow. If you feel that way I would like to suggest you think hard about that. I know how hard it is and how strong the compulsion can be for us contollers to want as much data as we can get when we feel we're at a decision point. In my view absolutely nothing good can come from further contact with your wife right now. I hope you will stop and give both yourselves time to process what's happened here.

I think Jack's correct, re-set your clock to 90 days and take a series of deep, deep breathes.

I wish you well.

[ninelives]

Denver:

So sorry all of this happened. The writing was kind of on the wall in a sense that she was playing you a bit. The one thing that I really want you to get from this is that, THIS IS NO LONGER THE WOMAN YOU MARRIED AND FELL IN LOVE WITH. What i mean by that, a number of people suggested that maybe she was still seeing OM and repeatedly , you shot down those suggestions.

" My w would never lie about that" or words to that effect. Im not saying this as an " I told you so" phrase. Just expect the unexpected when it comes to the WAS. I told you my W denied a hundred times there was no OM and even swore on her chilren's lives once.

NOw that the damage has been done, please listen to 25 and some of the other veterens. It is a setback but the ball is still in your court. She did some major tap dancing towards the end of your conversations, almost like she was in panic mode because you were SO DONE with the marriage this time.

Let her experience that and feel what it might be like for real to not have DENVER or the possiblity of not having Denver. Throught this whole thing, she knows she has you and simply has to ring a bell and you will be there in a heart beat.

Stop THIS. She is a little scared in my opinion that you are done with her and is now losing all the power that you gave her and continue to do.

BE calm, be patient, be dark.

Denver , you know my sitch. I could have reacted with anger on at least 2 occasions when OM was involved but I chose the high road and didnt say a word to him on one occasion. IT hurt like hell and some people see me as being weak but landing in jail is not going to help my kids or my sitch.

I know there is a lot of advice to digest. Just be smart ok,

Thinking alot about you buddy. All is not lost.

9

[Redo]

Wow. I am late to this thread. But Denver I am sorry for you going through this all. By the end of the convo it did look like your wife was not done yet. Somehow i do think you have the advantage. Thing is, do you wanna forgive her and see if you can take control here.

Take care man.

[FaithnAK]

Man-o-Man!

Everyone here has hit you with bricks. I'm not.

I'm going to commend you on your boundary. Your NUT. You now have the high ground and the TRUE gift of time. Her words? It's all true, but she wouldn't have opened up and said them like this any other time until YOU busted it wide open. Yeah, you have to be careful about laws and your actions, but I can say without a doubt I would have done the EXACT same thing if I were in your shoes. I'm not condoning your bad behavior, but it happened and it's over with. I understand. Now what?

Sometimes, the most devastating catastrophes are what actually sparks true change.

Yeah, from "outside the forest" you screwed up, but F it. Brutal reality is we're human and hurt LBS's; and WE will F up. I think this needed to happen and it did happen for a reason.

My advice:

You laid out the boundary; now quit interacting with her. Take this gift of time to just disappear for awhile and let her wonder what you are going to do. Don't initiate anything yet. I agree with setting your countdown back to 90 and disappear for awhile. Any communication with her right now will be pointless and NOT good.

Something else to think about...put yourself in her shoes. You walked into her secret place and literally caught her eating cake while her other hand was up to her elbow in the cookie jar. Wouldn't you be pissed off too at being caught in such a humiliating moment? See a junkie shooting up and you take away their needle and RUIN their high? They are NOT going to be happy.

Give her and, most importantly, YOURSELF space and time. Let the dust settle. 90 days Denver.

[Sad_but_happy]

Hi Denver,

Dude, so sorry for your sitch. I haven't posted in a while but wanted to lend my support to a fellow LBS.

This is hard, so hard. I will tell you what has worked for me in my sirch. I left her alone. One day back in November my W told the MC and I that she needed time. That she could not help me with my pain. That it was something I had to deal with on my own.

And I have not brought up the EA or OM since. Have I snooped? Or as J3B says, "trust but verify". Darn right I have. Checked her cell, email, keylogger, followed her, checked to make sure she was at work. I have done it all and she has never let me down or made me think that I have reason to doubt her committment to work on our M.

Which brings me to Denver. If I found what you have found (OM sleeping with W) during my snooping, I would have reacted the same.

No one here is pointing out the fact that there are consequences to bad behavior. SHE IS DOING THE WRONG THING! There is no denying that. It is NOT your fault that she is committing adultry! She can blame you all she wants. And she will. And I believe that you feel her actions are your fault. They are not!

Has she done hurtful things in her past? I'm sure she has. Should she be punished for it over and over? Of course not.

You are 100% right when you talk about not tolerating an open marriage. She IS being unreasonable when she expects you to wait for her while she F***s other men. Talk about cake eating, HOLY SH!T!!!

It's time to be the new Denver to someone new. Go out and date or just make some new female friends. You don't even know if your W is your best option at this point. She very well may not be. Time to open your eyes to new possibilities.

She has given you no choice IMHO...

Good luck brother...