I am not going to go over everything that 25 said. For the most part I agree with her.
I do want to suggest that you really go back and read what your W said to you.
Then go back and read your threads. All of them.
Your W, was very honest and blunt about her thoughts and feelings. And she has every right to feel that way.
You are still trying to control her.
I get the boundary. I get it. No one wants to live committed to someone who isn't committed to them.
However, your hard line is one that is not serving you well right now. In reaching your goal of reconciliation as well in reaching forgivness.
You are NOT showing unconditional love right now. You are not showing the "new" Denver it doesn't seem.
I see impatience, frustration, anger, control, self pity, and I also see you making threats that I don't know if you want to keep.
You were wrong in going into her house. Gutty feeling or not. It is NOT your house, and you don't own her. You don't know what, if anything happened or didn't. You made assumptions and jumped to conclusions after you violated her right to privacy and security.
Just because she is married to you (I use the term loosely), that does not give you Carte Blanche access to her life. She is a human, not a possession, however, you keep treating her like one.
Think about what comes next, because you have a lot of work to do still...
Good luck.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Denver, what a rough couple of days man. Sorry you're going through all of this. I could be wrong, and others may correct me, but seems odd that she continues to engage in this. If she were really wanting to be "done" seems like she would just disappear. Not sure what that means, or what you want to do with it....but is OM really 19 years old? That might be fun but not really good prospects for a long term, stable R.
Also, sort of think cat04 has a point - you may some justifications for going to visit her house, which have some logic, but really you went there to have this confrontation with OM, right?
Your W, was very honest and blunt about her thoughts and feelings. And she has every right to feel that way.
Yes, she does. And Denver has every right to say "And that doesn't work for me; sorry." Which he has done.
Quote:
I get the boundary. I get it. No one wants to live committed to someone who isn't committed to them.
However, your hard line is one that is not serving you well right now. In reaching your goal of reconciliation as well in reaching forgivness.
You are NOT showing unconditional love right now. You are not showing the "new" Denver it doesn't seem.
So, you "get" the boundary, but not him enforcing it, is that it? That makes no sense.
I do agree that he was wrong to go into her house.
Look, Denver, this "passive-aggressive" thing ain't working, not one bit. Whether you choose "passive" or a more aggressive strong stance, PICK ONE, and for God's sakes, STOP WITH THE CONVOS.
CS-I'l post to you on your thread and make sure I'm using the exact terminology.
Denver, I listed 3 options for you but I agree with cat in the sense that you were NOT entitled to enter her home...
THING IS FOLKS, and I'm asking...how can he make all these threats and then...if he's not going to pursue a div at least as a gesture...how's that affect the way she perceives his "words"? She said he's all show, no go.
And this proves it. He makes threats to scare or hurt and she is calling his bluff...if it is a bluff...that's going to hurt his cred big time. I;m not talking about pride but just his word. Denver you said it A LOT.
--btw THIS is why we don't advise people to make threats that one does not want to follow thru with. Finally, maybe, this it just too much for Denver to accept. Only he decides that.
But this crazy kind of "communication: is not helpful.
But like Cat said...there's meaning, other than a ton of anger, in a lot of what she said.
keep us posted
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
In the last year, I've been more tuned into how life is a mirror reflecting us.
When my wife was less affectionate to me, I was less affectionate to her. Thing is, she was probably less affectionate to me because I was less affectionate to her... and so on.
We stress here that it is often important to "believe none of what you hear and only 50% of what we see."
25, I agree with you. The mirror is still reflecting. Denver, it is not what you said, it is what you do, that she will notice.
Say less, do more.
And remember that we do these things for US. Not for our M or R or spouses.
I just read everyone's posts to me. Thank you. I am soaking it all in, thinking, and resting. I will try to respond to some of the questions later. I do want to clarify one thing; OM is NOT 19 years old. That was a comment that I made to him as in 'be an adult' man... anyway, that is it for now.
Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
For what it's worth, I think this incident could have illuminated a way out of Denver's personal hell.
As terrible as the whole evening has been at least it has brought some clarity to the situation. In addition to the awful pain, I imagine it must be a bit of relief to be done with the gaslighting.
Ms. Denver seems to have used her righteous anger to justify stringing Denver along and periodically abusing him. I can completely relate to why, on some level, Denver may feel that going along with that for awhile was a kind of amends he was making for his failures in the marriage. In my view that can be put to an end now.
Denver should not have gone into her space the way he did and no doubt she will focus on that in the short term to allay her guilt, but I don't think there's any doubt she knows she also has behaved badly here. In my opinion, every word Denver says now will just delay the day she puts her head in her hands and says 'what have I done?'.
I think he has two viable choices now. He can either confess right away that he didn't mean what he said, agree it was a major backslide, he was needy and controlling and he needs more time to sort himself out. In other words, be honest with her. Or, my preferred option, follow through. Stop talking, get the lawyers involved, be slow and deliberate and close the door. But don't lock it. Just as he said he would do. I think anything else comes off as manipulative.
I think if he leaves her alone, files, and solidifies himself, she may well come back. Just my take.
I empathise deeply with your situation Denver, I'll explain why when I have more time (in a criminal trial myself right now) and I'm wishing you the best.
Denver, I won't add to the "you should have done this and you shouldn't have done that" comments; I'm pretty sure you know exactly what is what.
It's not hard to understand how anger between 2 people who feel betrayed by each other can escalate so fast in one conversation (or two, or three as in your case). But nobody won any of those rounds; you both lost.
IMHO, you both should back away from each other. Fast. Take your focus off of her and SS. Don't let her suck you into any more debates or arguments. Worrying about what she is doing, who she is seeing, etc. is like trying to push a rope up a hill.
Remind yourself that you are under a microscope; our spouses watch and analyze everything to determine if it is safe to come back.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
THING IS FOLKS, and I'm asking...how can he make all these threats and then...if he's not going to pursue a div at least as a gesture...how's that affect the way she perceives his "words"? She said he's all show, no go.
And this proves it. He makes threats to scare or hurt and she is calling his bluff...if it is a bluff...that's going to hurt his cred big time. I;m not talking about pride but just his word.
