My previous thread got locked at only 14 pages. So, it's time to start a new thread for the umpteenth time.
Life has been rather calm and enjoyable since I "quit". A couple days ago S17 finally told me what his "secret" interest is. For months he has been hinting, but didn't want to tell me for some reason. It turns out he has been writing lyrics and working on creating hip-hop/jazzy/rap kind of stuff. He seemed surprised by my positive reaction. I guess he thought I would say something like "what does a white kid from the suburbs of a small city in Ontario know about that?"
The most important part was that as he walked away from the chat, he simply said "I love you". I rarely get those from him, while STBX often does. He also made a somewhat negative joke/comment about his mom the day before. Just a month ago, he and I were further apart than ever. I seem to have done a good job of earning back his trust and getting him to see the reality of his mother's choices,without degrading her in the process. That makes me very happy.
D19 and her boyfriend are leaving for vacation in Mexcio in an hour. I am so proud of them, but am also going to miss them both this week. Of course, I also think of past family vacations to Mexico, and of the times STBX and I went just as a couple, as recently as just less than a year ago. And...of course....I also think of her being there with OM/boss just a couple months ago.
So...today will be a bittersweet day of sorts. I will have to keep myself busy and not allow myself to get wrapped up in "what used to be" and "what could be". I have not been missing STBX recently and I don't need to start feeling that way again.
I saw somewhere on here that the opposite of love is not hate, but rather empathy. I think the empathy I have been feeling for STBX is quite good for me and I want to stay in that place.
BTM-I think it's great that you were so supportive of your S dreams. I am sure that a meant a lot to him to hear you react so positively.
As a parent of a teenager myself, nothing warms my heart more than to hear my S say he loves me, especially because those words do not run freely from his mouth.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
I feel like I truly have become a better Dad and that my love has grown deeper for my kids since STBX walked out on us. When D19 and her boyfriend left for the airport this morning, we exchanged "I love you"s and real hugs. I cried as she left. A couple years ago, I would have been in touch with my feelings enough to cry at the same moment. Thanks to counseling, reading, keeping a journal, and this forum, I am a much better man than ever. I say this quite often: the worst thing that ever happened to me, is the best thing that ever happened to me.
I received a few texts from D19 about her first day of vacation in Mexico with her bf. I kept thinking today about how much I miss vacation time with STBX. But then I remind myself that even when it would be just the two of us at a beautiful couples resort in Mexico she would spend a lot of time texting....with OM/boss and others, I suppose.
I continue to get a little better at GAL. Tomorrow night I am going to an Irish pub with the managers of other dealerships in our ownership group.
This is my 5th day of my most recent 100% dark stage. I will not contact STBX, even in my weaker moments. Life is actually easier when I just live my life and ignore hers.
Keep doing it BTM. I know how difficult it is. Sometimes she just pops in and will not leave without some serious technique work but It sounds like you are on your way.
Expect some backslides but dont act on them. That is the key. I dont think we can really help how we feel but we can help what we do about it.
Hang in there man. One day at a time should get you through.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
I know it's hard to GAL, especially since I have now found out that our mutual friends were in fact HER friends. I'm trying the best I can myself and I think it gets easier for every day. As I GAL, I'm also detaching automatically, which I guess is one of the purposes.
Keep doing what you are doing and I think life will get easier. Try not to think about the future or what you are missing.
Me: 33 W: 31
D: 3
T: 10 M: 5
OM: Probably Big bomb: Jan 16th 2011 Dbing since: May 4th 2011
Nine - She pops in less often every day. I find limited exposure helps. We have not seen each other in 5 weeks and have spoken 5 times in that period. I posted this on another thread, but when we do speak now, I make sure to believe nothing of what she says. Her words and actions rarely matched over the last couple years and it's unlikely they ever will. When she talks to me now, I think of her words as Alphaghetti falling out of her mouth. Just a bunch of letters put together to make words - put together to make sentences that have all the value of a can of crappy pasta in a crappy sauce.
I now focus on her previous and current actions, just like we know they focus on our consistent actions. It makes it so much easier to see her reality and therefore what I can make mine.
Decent night out with other managers from our ownership group. I am really a homebody, but have been trying to get out more and it's good most of the time.
Today, when I take S17 to work (he works with STBX and OM/boss) I am taking a box of stuff for STBX. I have been cleaning out closets,storage areas preparing for selling the house next year. I have found some of her things and boxed them up. In the box are some wedding photos of her with her mom and dad, and a couple of cards I gave her years ago. It feels good to get that out of MY house. I have to admit that I am hoping seeing some of it, will make her think about all the things she has done. Sure, I won't actually know if she cares at all, but it's still nice to think it just might shake her brain a bit.
And if it does nothing, no big deal. On to day 7 of darkness.....
STBX brought S17 home from work, so I never got the chance to take the box of stuff to her. I might later today, when he goes back for second shift. When she brought him home today, she had him ask me a question about census. It only lasted a couple minutes...but it got to me that she wouldn't ask me herself. I like when I control the no contact. I got over that quickly, but had to admit it here. I suppose I made it fairly clear the last time we spoke, that there isn't any point in her speaking to me.
Later I asked son if from now on when STBX or OM/their boss is going to drive him home and I am at home, for him to let me know. He asked why. I said "it's helps me plan my day and I don't want any uncomfortable situations".
It's odd that I really enjoy darkness, when I feel like I create it. That's something I will work on.
Puppy and I had been telling you repeatedly for months last year that your wife was having an affair, there would be no reason for her to move into her own place out of the family home just to "find herself".
You probably knew all along, your gut instinct was telling you this all along but you didn't want to listen to it, you wanted to buy her dinner, take her on vacations, allow her to come into your home and make family dinners to make her feel less guilty about her actions.
I feel for you BTM, I wish you had taken our advice back then to really move on with your life.
Don't worry about being dark now, focus instead on being bright, let go of this limbo you are still living in and take advantage of every day.
Don't call her on her birthday, it just shows her you are needy and emotionally dependent on her and I'm sure it makes her uncomfortable, every interaction between you and her at this point isn't healthy. Focus on you and making yourself happy and let her go.
