I'm pretty sure it isn't that he doesn't like you. For whatever reason he's decided he has to separate himself from you, but that's not necessarily a reflection on you. It's especially tough to separate when you still like/love your spouse. He probably misses you as much as you miss him, and is toughing it out. The time apart will certainly give you both space to think and GAL, perhaps most importantly it is an opportunity for your H to sort out what's bothering him about the R.
When my H left me in 2003 and our D was almost final, I had detached, gotten a life, and was making myself happy. I was in a good place and hoped to see the same in my H, but I didn't so I had a frank talk with him. After six months of separation that he had wanted for his own well being, he had to face up to the fact that nothing had improved in his life. It was clear that whatever the problem was, it wasn't me.
Hopefully your H will take this time alone to reflect on what is troubling him. If he really has to let go of the relationship for his own well being, then it will take an act of love for you to let him go. If he's just projecting his own problems onto the relationship, then the time apart may give him the ability to sort out the real problems. If he does something not so bright like distract himself from the real problems, then you may still have to let him find his way on his own. No matter how it turns out, being willing to let him go and grow is exactly what a best friend would do.
The more I think about it the more certain I am that he likes you. You're a good person.
Been reading over people's sitch's and thinking about 180's that I can keep doing here. I thought about how good it felt just to have a normal conversation with H the other day so I decided to just ping him and say hi. We have not been talking at all and certainly not light happy conversations. It was short and I asked him about work, he actually said quite a bit. Then I ended it and told him I hope he gets to relax (since he's been working practically nonstop this week) and have a good day. He wished me a good day in return.
If you've wandered over to my topic, I had a bit of a melt down over the past couple days. Things became good again last night when I chose to get happy again.
And then weird stuff... W contacting me out of the blue because of a change of heart regarding kids.
Point is, it has been a long, long time since we have actually talked and been anything resembling civil. And now, we cleared the air and might actually have a starting point to a new, decent relationship, regardless of the outcome.
Making inroads like it sounds your conversation was, only leads to a better future. Good for you! Keep it up and keep smiling!
Hey Kaffe, been keeping up on your sitch. In fact yours and a couple others are the ones that inspired my new lines of thinking.
One of the things I was trying to achieve with the conversation today is reminding him of the things he is giving up. He doesn't seem to realize it but he is losing the only person that he really confides in. He does not discuss the details of his life with anyone else. Sure he talks a bit to his family and a bit to his friends but those conversations ebb and flow and are not about his concerns, his work, his life, etc. He is giving up that one person he used to share all of those things with. It is very lonely I'm sure.
He immediately opened up to me about work and the troubles going on - he seemed very eager to discuss it with someone as he has been working very long hours on high stress things. I listened for a few minutes, validated and commented then ended the conversation and went offline. I remain mostly offline on gmail chat these days as opposed to before when I was always online. I want him to realize that these conversations, this outlet, will not always be available to him. I will not always be available to him.
In the previous threads I talked about how he said he would choose his friends over me. However, he has to realize the R he has with his friends is superficial in comparison to the R we had. Like I said earlier, he does not discuss anything in depth with them. I have hung out enough with them to know how their conversations go and what they talk about. It is fun, yes, but not necessarily meaningful when it comes to sharing one's life with other people.
Also, he talked about when we were separated for 8 months while I sold the house in Chicago and he had moved to Seattle. He told me even back then he was enjoying his life so much that he resented me even visiting. He doesn't realize that even then he was NEVER really alone. Yes he had freedom but he also got to share his day and his adventures with me on an almost daily basis. We talked over gmail chat often, we emailed often, we called each other almost every single night. I think he took that support structure for granted (and continues to take it for granted). I don't think he realizes that he has nobody else in his life that he can share these things with.
Can he find someone to do that with again? Yes. Will it be easy? No - especially not for him. He is a very private person who does not open up easily to others. It makes me a bit sad for him that he will have to now carry so much more about his life inside.
this is pursuit and challenging his choices, and he'll simply defend those choices. Don't bother TELLING him or arguing with him about what he's going to miss.
He has to find this out for himself. Sorry but there are no "words" from you that will make the difference. Spend this energy on your 180s and GAL, and ACTIONS and TIME passing, will either get to him or fail. But at least you'll be doing your work that much faster. Please, spare yourself this. No WAS has been "talked into" staying if they want out. Set him free. In time the good memories and the loss of you, wiil surface in him and that's the only way.
Trust that you once had something of value. If you did, he'll remember. And he'll miss it. And he'll work to get it back. But don't try talking him into this. It only cements their resolve and you want him to have doubts, NOT defending himself or making an effort to shut out your parental tone. He has an inner voice, don't shut it down with your parental voice with him. Make sense?
Give him space. He may find his way back to you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hmm not sure where I indicated that I said any of this to him. I didn't nor do I plan to. I plan to have lighthearted conversations with him when we do talk, like today. I think initiating contact once in a while isn't the worst thing.
I'm just hoping these conversations remind him what he's missing.
Nevermind, I see how I might have indicated that I said these things. I didn't. I stuck to simple conversation like I explained 5 posts back. I was just hoping it did all those things I listed afterwards.
[quote=calystra]Hey Kaffe, been keeping up on your sitch. In fact yours and a couple others are the ones that inspired my new lines of thinking.
One of the things I was trying to achieve with the conversation today is reminding him of the things he is giving up. That's what I assumed you meant when you said this. I guess you mean by having these talks, you'll be contrasting with what he's about to have, w/o coming out and saying it? Okay.
Yes, I agree. As far as you know, he's going to suffer a LOSS when he leaves. You'll have to trust that the good memories will resurface and I guess hope you are still available?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Went to the opera for the first time last night with my friends (Magic Flute, loved it) then out to dinner. Today I went golfing 18 holes with a meetup group. Tired, just relaxing the rest of tonight.
