the more you challenge his choices, the more he'll defend them. Let him discover the grass is greener where it gets the most water.
I agree that he'll eventually see things differently. You have to trust that the good memories will resurface, as long as you don't cloud them, with pressuring pursuit and other negatives he'll use to justify leaving. He KNOWS you want to stay m.
It takes time for their marital revisions to subside. Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well he partially moved out while I was out of the house tonight. From what he took it looks like he's sleeping on the floor of his new apartment with a pillow and one thin blanket. (Unless he stopped by somewhere to buy a new air mattress.) He said he took only what he immediately needed so I guess there will be a round 2 to the moving out... great. He didn't schedule time with the car yet.
I'm kind of glad he did it while I wasn't here. Last time he walked out the door with me watching and crying ... I really didn't want to do that again. It still hurts but at least now I don't have to suffer through the actual physical act.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Definitely easier to detach and keep my PMA up when he's not in the house. I also slept so much better. He contacted me to come over and use the car today but I'm busy til this afternoon so I had to tell him later.
Last night was a lot of fun, played a lot of board games I've never heard of before and met some nice people. Didn't make any close friends in those 3 hours but they do this every weekend it seems so it's something fun to look forward to.
Just wanted to think out my progress so far on DB...
Other than the slight backslide the other day when he got the apartment, we haven't been having any R discussions. I haven't been pushing or pursuing.
There are things he doesn't like: (1) I haven't resisted the D though I want to look over the paperwork with my lawyer before I sign - he doesn't want to use lawyers. (2) I'm not making my mind up on what I want to do as far as staying or move, moving out of the house, etc so it "forces" him into the apartment and an undefined time schedule. (3) Scheduling time for the car is a pain.
I'm doing well on the GAL aspect. I've been to a couple social event and going out with my friend. I'm working out regularly and trying to get out to exercise every time my PMA dips. I've started the job search in various parts of the country. I'm going out and doing things by myself like shopping, eating and coffee shops etc.
I've started to detach although it's easier when he doesn't contact me. When he contacts me it usually sends me in a tailspin. I haven't gotten to that point of calm serenity that I remember from last time. This means I'm still on a bit of a roller coaster though I'm trying to control it. It also means I haven't begun the part of really identifying with his position so that I can validate him. I recognize my part in things though and that I can, and have been, working on. It's honestly really hard to validate him this time though because I feel he's the one more responsible this go around. He gave up on us after everything we learned from the first time. I'm going to have to find some way to get over that I guess.
Kinda along with the last thought, I haven't been able to put a smile on my face in every interaction with him. I haven't been negative but I haven't been happy either, just dealing with the facts and leaving emotion out of it. I'll need to work harder on that.
Calystra - I clearly remember the early days after STBX moved out. After only a few days, I became aware that the reality, wasn't nearly as scary as my expectations.
Daily life has actually been quite good for the last year and a half. Only when I looked to the past and focused on the situation, did things feel bleak. Yes, things did not end the way I hoped for, but I have learned so much and become such a better man, that I am finally able to accept it. I also know that I truly did everything I could to save my marriage and quit just in time to save myself.
So....you know this and you are going to be told it time and time again....but.....it will get easier with time and you will be more than just ok. You know all this. You just have to remind yourself whenever it doesn't feel like it.
Today is a housewarming party for a mutual friend. This particular friend falls more on the borderline (or even my side) of the fallout so I feel like even though a lot of "his" friends are going, this is something I can be at without too much issue.
Of course he's not going since I am going though. I still can't get over how someone can flip like a switch - one day with you, smiling at you, making plans with you and overnight can't even be in the same room with you.
Anyways, I'm looking forward to it and got them a cute little gift. I discussed the gift with him and at first he was indifferent until I asked what he thought at which point he opened up more and said it would be a good gift for them. (This was over email.) I'm going to make a point to say hi to "his" friends because up until recently they were my friends too. Then I'm just going to chill, meet some new people, hang out with my friends and have a good time.
He tried to schedule time with the car today so I gave him a call just to discuss that. I tried to be open to working with him but kept my boundaries about my plans. He decided he would just try tomorrow after work instead.
I was much more pleasant today in conversation but still kinda matter-of-fact instead of emotional. Still working on that...
So none of "his" friends showed up to the party. I guess I'm a complete pariah now. Tried to have a good time anyways and moderately succeeded.
And of course while I was out of the house, he stopped by and grabbed a few things he needed. I guess he just took the bus. It's so annoying that he can't even look me in the face after all this.
