First and foremost I would like to thank everyone for their continued support. I am still breahething and I am still alive.
I had bought a ticket to go to OK a few weeks before I got the news on Friday. After the initial shock I decided to stick to my trip and visit my sister and niece who also live in a nearby town.
I had not spoken to W since that convo on Friday and did not plan to speak to her again. While on the phone with my final session with Jody W texted
W: Would it be ok if I call you tonight? If u say no I understand
No response from me a few minutes later i get this
W: Ok I won't be calling until u say its ok
My response about an hour later
M: Please give me a few days XW. Maybe around Wed after work if you would like to call
W: Understood. You call me when or if ur ready. I am sorry H
For a long time she had been complaining about the fact that I did not allow her to take the PC when she left and instead gave her a laptop that did not work. She was having a hard time with doing her resume because of it. So the week before my trip I ordered a laptop from Bes Buy and sent it to her. She received it on Monday which is the reason for the text.
Let me be clear. I bought the computer because she was struggling. I know it is not my problem. I bought the laptop because I gave her unconditional love and did not expect a phone call from her or anything. I did it because it was right.
Did I regret it after I got the news? No.
I arrived in OK on Wed. Spent a few hours with some friends and family. I sent her a text
M: What time do you get off today?
W: I'm off but at dinner with sister and BIL
M: I was going to call tonight but I guess I will call tomorrow night. What time do u get off tomorrow night?
W: What time tonight?
No response from me. I was busy.
W: I get off at 7 tomorrow
No response from me again
W: So what time tonight did u plan on calling
M: When you are free
W: I'll let you know
About an hour later
W: I am free
I was busy chatting with some friends so about 30 minutes later I called
M: Hi
W: Hi
M: You get a package?
W: I did thank you. You did not have to do that.
M: I know.
W: I wanted to talk to you
M: Good. You want to talk tonight or tomorrow over dinner
W: What? How? You are in town?
M: Yep
W: Why? Why did you come? Why do you keep doing this? I told you not to come unannounced. It's not fair.
M: You don't have to see while I am here. As you know my sister and nephews live here. So does my BF so I will be spending time with them. If you want to see me ok if not ok
W: No that's fine you are prob half way here anyways.
M: Nope. I am driving but I can turn the car around just as easily.
W: No just come by.
I met with her at her place and we went for a drive. We spent talking three hours. She was upset at first then kind of depressed. Some topics to point out
W: Why don't you just ask what you want to ask right off the bat so we can move past this
M: What is it that I want to ask?
W: If there someone esle?
M: Did not cross my mind. Do you think I would be here if I thought that? But since you brought it up. Is there?
W: No. There is no one else. I am not interested in that all. I know you might have thought that because I went through with the D but that is something I needed to do for closure for me. It was my fresh start and I was tired of being in limbo
M: Did you get the closure you were looking for?
W: No.I am still in shock. I know changing my last name bothered you but I would of kept it if your XW would not have kept it.
M: I am ok with that.
We spoke for a few hours I cleared some things up regarding her rewriting of history. We kissed several times. We ended up back at her apartment. She asked me to come up. We sat on the couch and talked. I hugged her and she fell asleep on my chest. I feel asleep also.
Around 4AM she woke me up. Asked me if I was ok to drive or if I wanted to stay on the couch. I told her I had better leave. It was a very nice evening.
Next day Thursday was a different story.
She called during lunch and basically was very upset
W: You expect to show up here and me cancel all my plans to see you. I tried like hell to save our M and now you are too late. You should have tried when we were together. Now you want to come up here and I am suppose to drop everything I am doing and see you. It is not fair."
I won't post the whole convo because it is nothing new.
M: Like I said you don't have to see me while I am here.
W: I am just tired of having the conversation over and over again. I am exhausted and it is not fair.
M: Your tired of having the convo over and over? Good. Because I am tired of saying the same thing over and over.
She called twice during lunch. Said she would call that evening after work.
Around 9 she called again
W: What are you doing
M: Buddies house
W: Well here is the deal take it or leave it
M: Didn't know I was buying a car. Ok.
W: I can't see you on Sat because it is my sisters Bday. I can't see you on Sunday because I've had plans with my mom. I will see you on Monday and Tuesday after work. If you would like to come by tonight I will see you.
M: Do you want to see me or no. Like I said. You owe me nothing and you don't have to see me.
W: No you can come over to tonight if you want
M: Not the question I asked
W: Yes come by tonight
So I did. The very first thing she said when I got there after I had taken my jacket off and put on her couch and sat down was
W: I don't know what your expectation are. I don't know that I will ever want to work things out with you. You want some crystal ball telling me how I am going to feel in a month in 6 months in a year or two. I don't know. You keep showing up here and it is not fair that you do this to me. So I am not sure what you expect out of this visit. I am not moving back.
M: Sounds pretty clear to me. What I need to do is let you go.
I grab my jacket and keys and was prepared to leave. I have done my part. Time for me to live for me.
W: You are leaving?
M: I think you have been cleared. I don't want to exhaust you anymore.
W: You can stay. I deal with things by talking I have to talk about them.
M: I know that.
W: You have said nothing new so I don't know what there is to talk about
M: I suppose nothing.
W: Why did you not listen to me when I was there? I would have given anything to hear those words while I was there. It took me leaving for you to see it.
M: You made a choice. You could have moved in Jersey. Let me ask you a question. Do you think we would have been back together if you would have stayed in Jersey?
W: Prob. But nothing would have changed
M: Maybe not. Maybe this is what we needed. Everything I did I did for you. Maybe I went about it wrong. But NEVER in our Ten yrs did I do anything thinking about my needs before yours or D. Name me 1 thing just one that you wanted from me that I never did. One thing.
W: Your mom moving out
M: Ok I wanted her out 3 times I did not want her in the first place. You talked me into moving her in and you talked me into keeping her in.
W: You moved her to Jersey two weeks after we got D.
M: Ok I moved her to Jersey for her to get an apt in a different town because we could not afford to pay the 120 a week for day care. You wanted to quit your job? No. We could not afford it. She was suppose to get an apt and take care of her after school. Did I knew her H would leave? NO. Neither did you. Ok. YOu asked her to come stay with us. You know why she stayed with us. Because she thought our M was the most secure. You made her feel safe. When she asked if she was causing M problems you told her no. The problem was not her it was us.
W: You always criticized me as a mother. I never did anything right.
M: I told you how great of a mother you were. Not enough I know.How much of our fights were about D and how many were because of the stress you were under with the mom living with us.
W: Prob most of it.
M: Exactly. It was not what you were doing with D it was the stress that we were both living in. So remove that where is our problem.
W: So what happens when she moves back in 6 months
M: Not just my mother but anyone would ever live with me again. 5 months separated now divorced you feel better? You have healed?
W: No. I think I feel a little better but my life is not great. It is not happy. I have sh!t to my name.
M: 5 months later we realized the world did not collapse and the world did not end. This is all a choice just a choice. We choose to make it work or we choose to be like every other stat and make new mistakes with someone new.
W: I am not even thinking about someone new. I will never get re-married. I don't know how or when but you seem to have passed me in the healing process. I am just not where you are right now. I am still angry and still have some resentment.
M: You think I am not scared? You think it was not scary for me to get on that plane? You broke my heart not once but twice. You took the breathe right out of my lungs on Friday. But I am still here. I am still here for the woman I M and for the woman I love. I am choosing to. How long I don't know.
W: I know you are hurting and I am sorry I hurt you.
M: Let me ask you a simple question W. Do you love me?
W: Yes...............but I don't want to kick you while you are down.
M: I am not down. What? You are not "in love" with me?
W: I don't know
M: Yeah well wecome to the club. I don't know either. I do know I love you. I do know it is hard work. I think what you fail to realize is that I have as much to be angry with you about as you do with me. I have chosen to forgive you.
W: What you want is for me to forgive and forget. I am not ready for that yet
M: No. Forgive yes. You can choose to forgive anytime you wish. Forget? Never!!! We forget let's not talk anymore because we have accomplished nothing. We can never forget.
W: I just don't know how it would work. How can it
M: Because together we can accomplish anything. YOu and I. Commitment is key. Why do you think I am here. The Divorced could of stopped me from coming. I could of not gone to the airport I could of just stayed home. I came. Because a judge does not determine how I feel about you. I can love you all I want. No one determines that not even you. Whether you love me back or not is up to you.
W: What if we go back to the same thing again. What if you do the same things you did before. No one has ever made me feel as bad about myself as you did.
M: I screwed up. I have owned it. I have apologized. My changes have not been for you. They were never about you. They are about me and only me that is why I know we will never make the same mistakes again. Will we have problems? Sure. If and when we ever decide to start again and we M 30yrs I will break your heart many times along the way because I will never be perfect. What we do with that is what determines who we are. The better comes afer the worse.
W: Well it doesn't get much worse than this. I am not the same woman either H. I am not. I have also changed
M: God I hope not because if you were the same woman why in the world would I want you back. We have to be better and we CAN do it. Getting back together is as scary to me as losing you. My future without you is dark. I will survive and I will live on. So will you. I want to live on with you. I want to grow old with you. I am a better person when I am with you. You were my sunrise and sunset. I choose to still stand but I will be fine either way but never complete.
W: Getting back together does not scare me like it does you. I think that would be the easy part. My life really [censored] right now. I think just coming back because my life [censored] is the easy way out. That part does not scare me. I just don't know how.
M: If you would get back together with me I would not want you back.
W: I guess if things go back I can always leave again. I had the strengh once I guess I could have the strengh again.
M: Well hold up there. I never question your strengh but I would consider getting back together if we are in it for the long haul, not with the mentality that you can leave. Of course if I fail you, you are free to go, but if you come in with the mentality that you can leave at anytime then don't bother.
W: I would never do that H. You know that. That is what scares me. I have a lot to process.
W: But I think about so many things what about Thanksgiving or Xmas when we have family get to togethers. I coould not be in the same room as your mother right now.
M: Anger will fade and you and I would need some time to get to know each other again
W: What about my family. I can't go back to seeing them once a year. I can't do it and I won't. All vacations were always were you wanted to go.
M: I will commit to you that we would makea greater effort to see your family more. i will come with you and they can come see us. Your family broke my heart when they wanted us apart in 08' instead of cheering for us to make it they cheered against us. As much anger as you have towards my mom I have towards your Family. But I am willing to move forward and do my part.
By this time In the convo I was rubbing her feet. I was prepared to say my goodbye for the evening and she stood close to me looking into my eyes.
M: You know I could stay the night
W: LOL you want to spend the night
M: I'd keep my clothe on and we can just cuddled haven't done that in 5 months
W: LOL I haven't either
M: I know. Watta ya say
Long pause. Looking into my eyes smiling
W: It's only day two. I won't see you again till Monday not tonight. I don't think so. I have a lot to think about. I have to process a lot.
M: I understand. Gave her a kiss goodnight and a hug.
That was all the main points. I am prepared to leave Wed and move on with my life. What more can I do. Will I still be here 1 yr 2 yr from now. I don't think so. I have done some growth throughout this the judge does not determine how I feel. Friday came and not contact Sat a tornadoe came through town. No comms from her. I sent her a text
M: Don't know if you know but a tornado came through this town I don't know if it hit your town but I hope you are ok.
W: I am thank you
Kind of irritated about that. Drove around today and looked at the damage and it was pretty bad. I am upset that even though we agreed not to see each other a simple text or call to make sure I did not die would of been thoughtful.
Next time I expect to see her will be on Monday. Her mood when I see her is a wild guess but I will not affect me. I am here till Wed and when I leave I leave knowing I have done everything to try and save my M.
One final note.
Before I left I asked if she would speak to Jody again. She said she would.
I told her I would do it if she would agree to having 3 sessions not just one.
She agreed again.
Friedns I am sorry for my absense but I have needed this time to think. I will catch up with all of your sitch but please be patient.
All I can say is WOW! And thats about it. Dont know whether to congratualate you or feel bad for you.
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BITS M-46 W-42 M-16y T-19 y s10 s15 BombDec.19/09 Sep-F16/10 Sep Papers signed by W- June 30/10 Recon July 5/10 PA foundOut- Oct 30/10 Mental HospNov/10 moved out Nov/10 Leg Sep Mar 15/11
Oh Starsky I am sorry you find my sitch so f&^%$# boring that it puts you to sleep. I believe there are a little over 300K different post on this site you can follow, SO feel free to find someone else to follow along.
As I see it you have provided zero input, support, or adivice on both your post I doubt you would be missed.
Lots of positives in that story...I need to save some of your quotes for when my W and I start talking about things. Try to stay patient...I know it is extremely hard.
It sounds like she is just starting her journey...it sounds like the ball is in your court to decide if you want to wait for her or not.
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
Try to stay patient...I know it is extremely hard.
It sounds like she is just starting her journey...it sounds like the ball is in your court to decide if you want to wait for her or not.
Ditto Navyguy!
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
And wow, reading your entire convo, i could have easily replaced your name with mine and your W's with my wife. My wife too has no EA, PA. She too hates my mom and tells me that was a big reason for our situation. She too has lots of resentment and anger as to how i treated her. And yup, it looks like my inlaws too are very much for our D and not against it.
Reading your convo, i have these thoughts.
1: Hope you guys get back together. Seems like your wife is still torn. But she does seem to have feelings for you. Who knows.
2: Seems like my sitch might go the same way. Now i know how to approach my wife once the D gets through
Good luck man!
BITS M 38 W 36 D 7 Married 15 yrs W left for 6 months in 2009 W Filed for D 01/03/11 piecing now...
