This is a great place to process. To journal. Use it to it's full potential.
As for the timeline, you don't see results right away. You make the changes and start the process and then you have to continue the changes for yourself and be patient. It takes time for the WAS to notice and more time for them to believe that the changes could be real and lasting. They have to be lasting, that's why they have to be made for yourself.
As for sounding like a hypocrite, we always see others situations more clearly. Sometimes giving advice is the best way to take your own advice.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
This is a great place to process. To journal. Use it to it's full potential.
As for the timeline, you don't see results right away. You make the changes and start the process and then you have to continue the changes for yourself and be patient. It takes time for the WAS to notice and more time for them to believe that the changes could be real and lasting. They have to be lasting, that's why they have to be made for yourself.
As for sounding like a hypocrite, we always see others situations more clearly. Sometimes giving advice is the best way to take your own advice.
LOVE it Michelle!
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
2step, you are doing well. I'm following your lead, as well as the advice that you've gotten and given, especially since our situations are so similar.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Feels like a long time since I have posted an update so I am glad to be back to posting. It was actually kind of interesting how yesterday played out.
I am talking to friends who are familiar with the sitch and I was telling them how it is rare that i go 6 days of no contact. One friend suggested to break the silence while others said to be patient.
At around 3PM the silence was broken..........she called
W: Hey you have an appt for D at 4:30PM?
M: yeah why?
W: they just called Dr will be out so you need to reschedule they just called me
M: Oh ok. Sorry about that.I did not realize they had your number instead of mine. She has an ear infection I am kind of tired of going to the Dr every few weeks for this
W: Take her to an ENT. You should take her to that place in NY.
M: yeah that was a good place. Haven't spoken to you in awhile you doing ok
W: yeah I am good I gotta get back to work just wanted to pass on the message. Please give them your number so they can call you next time.
M: sure no problem
The whole thing lasted about 2 Min and it was distant and cold she sounded almost annoyed at the fact that the Dr called her. She was off, but I let it go.
Later on that night I was thinking about the exchange and I had to reach her regarding taxes anyway but was unsure if I should or not. However, some things take priority over feelings and fear and the IRS is one. So I reached out to her and there was no answer. No worries on my part a few minutes later I get a text from her
W: At work till 8PM will call back when I get out
M: No prob.
W: Everything Ok?
No response from me I was busy. She called as promised and this is how that exchange went
W: Wats up
M: Wanted to let you know about this tax stuff blah blah
W: Hmmmmm OK
M: You sound skeptical
W: I am
M: I can give you the number for the IRS and you can call them yourself to verify if you like
W: I have the number is just finding the time to call
M: you sounded a little annoyed today when I spoke to you. I wanted to let you know I changed your info with the Dr so they will not be contacting you again.
W: Thats ok I know that is going to happen until everybody knows whats going on.
M: yeah I guess so. Sorry you were irritated about it
W: yeah its because my job stinks I was not irritated with you just my job.
She went on to tell me about her job and what she plans on doing to get a new job and where to look. She is still holding out for the INS job and is hopeful she will get it.
W: I'm sick of being broke and in debt.
M: You mentioned the Ice Cream company and said they pay good. Why don't you look into that
W: Because I want to be able to hold my head up H. I've had to swallow a lot of pride already. Moving back home working where I work living in a garage apt
M: I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of
W: Yeah well most days I feel the same way
M: I am sure you'll be fine
W: Oh i got a another song for you. You want to hear it?
M: See my songs have a different meaning they are nice
W: My songs aren't mean
M: No they aren't I actually like some of them. So what are you doing?
W: eating a frozen pizza
We made small talk for a little bit and then started talking about a vacation we took to the Keys and lauged around for a little bit. Her mood became a little somber then we talked about an apartment we lived in
W: we should of stayed in that apt or just should have gotten an a two bedroom apt
M: Oh I agree
W: You know why I say two bedroom right?
M: Of course
W: we started having problems when we moved to the big house.
M: yep but at the end of the day no one really caused our M to break down
W: no it was all us
M: yep we did the best with what we knew
W: yep all we need to do is learn from the past and move forward and not make those mistakes again
M: I agree moving forward is key can't live in the past
We talked a few more minutes
M: Would you be interested in talking to Jody again?
W: I would think about it.
The entire convo lasted about 2hrs
Second update is from today when W calls again
W: hey what are you doing
M: Not much just in the office
W: Does the house computer still have my resume
M: Should
W: Can you email it to me
M: Sure can't till tonight though
W: That's fine. Oh I ran into old emails from when you were deployed
M: Wow that is going back a few years
W: Yeah we were soo in love back then. How things change. We have changed. Its almost like reading someone elses email. They don't even seem real.
M: Yep. I still have them also I am sure just never looked at them
W: I was looking for my resume and came across them. oh well just thought it was funny. I think I will go to the library to do my resume cause the laptop you gave me stinks and does not work
M: Just turn it on tonight and by the time you get out of work tomorrow it should be ready to go
W: yep prob piece of crap. that is why you gave it to me cause you knew it s@cks. I should of taken the house PC but you did not want me to.
M: It is not that bad once it gets going
W: If it is so freaking good then why did you not keep it?
M: Because all my school work is on the PC
W: yeah its because you knew it did not work.
M: don't you have a best buy account now?
W: yeah that I used to buy my mom a tv and I can't afford to buy a new PC. Smart a$$
M: Not meant as a smart a$$ comment. You want the house PC I will send it to you I can get a new one
W: I don't need it. I am back at work I gotta go
Hung up as I was in mid sentence. sigh and a smile on my part. Life su@ks for you babe and I am sorry but nothing I can do about it.
I was thinking of sending the PC cause i really do need a new one and I can easily go buy one. One less thing I have to hear about and that will really shut her up.
It's funny how one day we go from talking about another DB session and the next she is irritated about the PC
Her job s@cks=my fault No PC=My fault No money=My fault Life is unfair=My fault She is in debt=My fault It is snowing=My fault Tsunami in Japan=My fault
Feels like a long time since I have posted an update so I am glad to be back to posting. It was actually kind of interesting how yesterday played out.
I am talking to friends who are familiar with the sitch and I was telling them how it is rare that i go 6 days of no contact. One friend suggested to break the silence while others said to be patient.
At around 3PM the silence was broken..........she called
W: Hey you have an appt for D at 4:30PM?
M: yeah why?
W: they just called Dr will be out so you need to reschedule they just called me
M: Oh ok. Sorry about that.I did not realize they had your number instead of mine. She has an ear infection I am kind of tired of going to the Dr every few weeks for this
W: Take her to an ENT. You should take her to that place in NY.
M: yeah that was a good place. Haven't spoken to you in awhile you doing ok
W: yeah I am good I gotta get back to work just wanted to pass on the message. Please give them your number so they can call you next time.
M: sure no problem
The whole thing lasted about 2 Min and it was distant and cold she sounded almost annoyed at the fact that the Dr called her. She was off, but I let it go.
Later on that night I was thinking about the exchange and I had to reach her regarding taxes anyway but was unsure if I should or not. However, some things take priority over feelings and fear and the IRS is one. So I reached out to her and there was no answer. No worries on my part a few minutes later I get a text from her
W: At work till 8PM will call back when I get out
M: No prob.
W: Everything Ok?
No response from me I was busy. She called as promised and this is how that exchange went
W: Wats up
M: Wanted to let you know about this tax stuff blah blah
W: Hmmmmm OK
M: You sound skeptical
W: I am
M: I can give you the number for the IRS and you can call them yourself to verify if you like
W: I have the number is just finding the time to call
M: you sounded a little annoyed today when I spoke to you. I wanted to let you know I changed your info with the Dr so they will not be contacting you again.
W: Thats ok I know that is going to happen until everybody knows whats going on.
M: yeah I guess so. Sorry you were irritated about it
W: yeah its because my job stinks I was not irritated with you just my job.
She went on to tell me about her job and what she plans on doing to get a new job and where to look. She is still holding out for the INS job and is hopeful she will get it.
W: I'm sick of being broke and in debt.
M: You mentioned the Ice Cream company and said they pay good. Why don't you look into that
W: Because I want to be able to hold my head up H. I've had to swallow a lot of pride already. Moving back home working where I work living in a garage apt
M: I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of
W: Yeah well most days I feel the same way
M: I am sure you'll be fine
W: Oh i got a another song for you. You want to hear it?
M: See my songs have a different meaning they are nice
W: My songs aren't mean
M: No they aren't I actually like some of them. So what are you doing?
W: eating a frozen pizza
We made small talk for a little bit and then started talking about a vacation we took to the Keys and lauged around for a little bit. Her mood became a little somber then we talked about an apartment we lived in
W: we should of stayed in that apt or just should have gotten an a two bedroom apt
M: Oh I agree
W: You know why I say two bedroom right?
M: Of course
W: we started having problems when we moved to the big house.
M: yep but at the end of the day no one really caused our M to break down
W: no it was all us
M: yep we did the best with what we knew
W: yep all we need to do is learn from the past and move forward and not make those mistakes again
M: I agree moving forward is key can't live in the past
We talked a few more minutes
M: Would you be interested in talking to Jody again?
W: I would think about it.
The entire convo lasted about 2hrs
Second update is from today when W calls again
W: hey what are you doing
M: Not much just in the office
W: Does the house computer still have my resume
M: Should
W: Can you email it to me
M: Sure can't till tonight though
W: That's fine. Oh I ran into old emails from when you were deployed
M: Wow that is going back a few years
W: Yeah we were soo in love back then. How things change. We have changed. Its almost like reading someone elses email. They don't even seem real.
M: Yep. I still have them also I am sure just never looked at them
W: I was looking for my resume and came across them. oh well just thought it was funny. I think I will go to the library to do my resume cause the laptop you gave me stinks and does not work
M: Just turn it on tonight and by the time you get out of work tomorrow it should be ready to go
W: yep prob piece of crap. that is why you gave it to me cause you knew it s@cks. I should of taken the house PC but you did not want me to.
M: It is not that bad once it gets going
W: If it is so freaking good then why did you not keep it?
M: Because all my school work is on the PC
W: yeah its because you knew it did not work.
M: don't you have a best buy account now?
W: yeah that I used to buy my mom a tv and I can't afford to buy a new PC. Smart a$$
M: Not meant as a smart a$$ comment. You want the house PC I will send it to you I can get a new one
W: I don't need it. I am back at work I gotta go
Hung up as I was in mid sentence. sigh and a smile on my part. Life su@ks for you babe and I am sorry but nothing I can do about it.
I was thinking of sending the PC cause i really do need a new one and I can easily go buy one. One less thing I have to hear about and that will really shut her up.
It's funny how one day we go from talking about another DB session and the next she is irritated about the PC
Her job s@cks=my fault No PC=My fault No money=My fault Life is unfair=My fault She is in debt=My fault It is snowing=My fault Tsunami in Japan=My fault
I got it
2, you forgot a few things....
Earthquake in Japan = Your fault War in Iraq - Your Fault Problems in Egypt and Lybia - Your fault
Sorry, I couldn't resist!
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
First convo after some time and you did bring up R talk again. Some hints with the songs and also with asking her again about the coaching session.
That decision is completely yours, but be mindful of it. Think about whether or not it is the best thing for you to be doing.
Hey Country thanks for stopping by no need to apologize for the any tapping. I don't run from them although some things are a slip on my part some things are done on purpose.
You know how I got the first DB session? I asked
You know how we read the first 2 chapters of 5LL? I asked
Sometimes you take a risk and see what happens. Truth of the matter is we almost read the 5LL chpt 3 yesterday but we were both tired did not think the convo would take as long as it did.
Sometimes I miss calculate, we all do to a degree sometimes I test on purpose.
So after the nasty exchange from earlier W calls back around 5PM
W: Hey what are you up to?
M: packing up some stuff in my office
W: I wanted to call and apologize for earlier. I did not need to be nasty to you. It is not your fault I hate my job and it is not your fault the laptop stinks
M: Thanks. I appreciate it.
W: It is easy to blame you for everything going on in my life but I realize it is not all your fault. I did not mean to be a b!tch about it. It is kind of hard when you don't fight back. Which is kind of weird because you like to argue
M: I know you are not irritate with me all the time. Its fine.
W: I want to be angry with you all the time at you but I can't. It's not fair. I don't walk around all day angry and I am not angry all the time just sometimes. Mostly when i talk to you
M: Oh thats nice lol I get that though it sturs up feelings
W: yeah it does. I guess i am still a little bitter. I wanted to flip your TV on the floor when I left and stomp on your Play Station and throw your $300 surge protector out the window before I left
M: lol wow. I am glad you did not do that. I think had you done that you would would have received a visit from me. I am sure my plane would of gotten to OK before your truck.
W: LOL yeah prob. I guess I am just too nice. You know only one friend showed up to help me pack when I left
M: Yep you know who your real friends are at times like this.
W: Yep that is the truth.
M: That is why I have surrounded myself with people in the same boat as us. Helps me out. They get it
W: Oh yeah. How do you meet these people
M: Somebody tooned me in to a website
W: Wow you have a lot of hope huh LOL. I don't want to give you any false hope
M: Nah I control my hope. Not you. I will decide. I have a real clear perspective on what is going on
W: Welll good.
Talked for a few more minutes about what she was doing tonight and then hung up. Whole convo lasted about 30 min
W: It is easy to blame you for everything going on in my life but I realize it is not all your fault. I did not mean to be a b!tch about it. It is kind of hard when you don't fight back. Which is kind of weird because you like to argue
I guess you just like to argue with us now huh?
Get me up in the middle of the night... <sigh>
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Man, she just keeps going back to that "false hope" thing. Well, I think you should not return her call the next three or four calls. You know, "you don't want to give her false hope." When you do finally talk with her, remind her that your darkness can be attributed to not wanting to give her false hope. See how she likes that medicine for a spell.
If her job [censored], her living quarters suck, her computer [censored], let her sit in the "suck" for a time. She created the "suck," so let her sit there until it "[censored]" her dry...
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
