I'm starting a new thread.........not because my situation has changed much recently (I would need time lapse photography to determine that), but rather because I've exceeded the magic number. My new icon expresses how I feel.
XH and I played TT last night for 2 hours. No drinks afterward (I explain that part below). Since last week was kind of mellow and I really toned down my flirting, I decided to ramp up the flirting this week and “plant some seeds”.
We arrived at the community center at about the same time. XW was on his cell phone talking and motioned to me through the window that he was on the phone. He sat out in the parking lot talking on his cell phone for about 10 minutes. I went inside and practiced my serves a bit…..As I was picking up the balls I kept glancing out the wall of windows to the parking lot and Mr. GAG’s car (~ 40 feet from the windows). I thought “Why don’t I put on a little show for Mr. GAG?”……so I stood facing the parking lot and slowly pulled off the long-sleeved fleece pullover I was wearing over my head. When XH walked in, a half minute later, I said “Bon jour Mr. GAG” and cheek-kissed him on both cheeks. He reciprocated. He explained that he had been on the phone with a potential new client who wanted to know if XH would send him a quote sometime in the next hour (it was 6pm). XH said he couldn’t send it that evening but would have it to him first thing in the morning (pretty sure this is why XH didn’t consider going out for drinks after TT). XH had a new haircut so I said “You got your hair cut. It looks very nice!”. I stood close to him and stroked the back and side of his haircut with my hand.
We both played pretty well considering we’d both worked long days. We laughed a lot and I looked for opportunities to flirt. A few times I stuck TT balls down my neckline, inside my (name of female undergarment). I pulled them out when I needed extra luck I talked about the TT league tournament this week and mentioned specific names of the men I had played (letting XH know that I am recreating with other men). I told XH that his BMF had texted me a few days ago asking for the name of a good plastic surgeon. XH kind of acted a bit dismissive in a “BMF is in MLC” kind of way. I sensed that there might be tension between them again. ………..Along those lines, I forgot to report that last week XH told me he had hired BMF’s son in the fall (he worked for XH for 3 months) and when the person BMF’s son was replacing decided not to leave, XH had to let BMF’s son go. Couldn’t tell if this caused any fall out with BMF or not.
When I went to get a drink of water, one of the community center staff told me “I know how you can get an advantage over Mr. GAG…..Kick him in the knee (XH wears a knee brace on one leg because of arthritis).” …...So I walked back into the TT room and said to XH “Jake gave me a tip about how I can gain an advantage”. He looked interested. I said “I need to get very close for this.” I walked up to XH and stood very close to him, face-to-face for about 15 seconds and then tapped him in the knee gently with my hand. I said “Jake told me to kick you in the knee”. XH smiled and laughed. When I stood close to XH he stood still but didn’t stiffen or pull back. He actually looked rather relaxed. This seems like a change from 1 month ago. I’ve noticed this change several times over the last few weeks. I don’t know if XH is still dating GF#2 or not, but his recent “more relaxed” posture with me makes me think that Missher may have been correct in thinking that XH was caught in a difficult situation: if he didn’t show a certain amount of “fidelity” (at least in terms of physical contact) I would really question his integrity.
As we walked to our cars I told XH I was wondering if he wanted to continue paying our long-term care insurance as a couple (we get a discount if we have the policy as a couple even though we are D’ed). Last year XH was pretty irritable at the time that our annual payment was due. He said he thought it was a waste of money and was thinking about discontinuing his part of the policy……Fast forward to the present. When I asked him yesterday evening, he didn’t hesitate a moment and said “Yes, I want to keep that policy. I know how expensive it is to pay for long-term care.” I said “BMF will take care of you, won’t he?” XH shook his head and muttered something negative. I know that was a cheap shot on my part, but I’m taking every opportunity to draw XH’s attention to BMF’s self-centeredness. Last week XH told me that caring for his mother is making him wonder who will take care of HIM when he is old.
XH told me that he might not be able to play TT next week because he is flying out of state the next day to attend an annual conference. It will be interesting to see what happens next week.
I made a mental note this week to use a suggestion Missher gave me awhile back. As we hugged goodnight our faces were close. I hugged XH tightly and with my face next to his I said “You always gave great hugs! You’re a very good hugger!” XH looked slightly surprised and smiled shyly. I know that he heard me and it registered on some level. As I turned back to my car I said “I’m going to have a drink at that Cuban restaurant across the street from where we ate last week.” XH said “That looked like a fun place!” We got in our cars and drove away. Later I remembered that XH had told me earlier that he needed to prepare a quote for a client before 9AM tomorrow, so he probably went home and wrote the quote. It’s possible that as XH was preparing the quote he was thinking that I was at a fun little Cuban restaurant………
My overall sense is that XH has really settled down a lot in the last 14 months. It’s been a gradual change. I think that he has been able to heal his R with his mother somewhat over that time. He has seemed a lot more peaceful since his mother’s birthday party 2 weeks ago. This evening XH told me about how his mother’s face had lit up when he arrived at her place last night. The nursing assistant who was with his mother when he arrived told him that she talks about him all of the time and tells everyone about how much she loves him. When he related that story he looked very pleased and happy. That was the only personal thing he spoke with me about this week, so it must have been important to him. When I asked him what else was going on this week, he deflected my question. Didn’t want to talk about anything else.
Well, XH’s sister is arriving from out of state in two days and we are going to lunch on Saturday. Interesting that XH said “What time should I bring X-SIL to your house Saturday?” ………. So I guess XH will be at the house with his sister on Saturday. I plan to have his favorite candles burning and have freshly baked fougasse cooling on the counter. It will be interesting to see if she has any new intel.
BITS Me-51, WAS-52 Kids 2 M-26yrs, H.left 2009, 2 more Bomb drops, Reconnection spring 2013 Change is inevitable, personal growth is a choice. Love is a action and choice you make, every day.
That's kind of you to say and I appreciate your feedback more than you know. I try to report these interactions honestly and as unbiased as possible so that I can use everyone's feedback to gauge what is happening. I have fairly good intuition about people because I talk to clinic patients all day and this has helped to develop these skills. I guess I just second guess my interpretations of XH's words and actions.
Missher and Cas, I'm responding to your posts from my previous thread here.
Missher, sauces for grilling.........sounds interesting. Let us know about your top choices, won't you?
Originally Posted By: Missherlove
First whatever you do always order something different than he does so that you can offer him a bite of yours (tongue in cheek, LOL). Remember when doing this you must first position the food on your fork first then make the offer so you can "feed him". Of course while doing this you can draw his eyes to yours by positioning the fork such that he has to look at you while sampling your food.....this is very sexy.
Second, you can always ask for a bite of his and hopefully he will reciprocate the whole "feeding you" thing. I am sure you know how to make taking that bite of food very sexy.
LOVE these suggestions. Thanks! I will try those the next time XH and I go out to eat.......I'm still keeping my eyes peeled for some activity I can invite XH to do with me that is not restaurant dining or TT.
Cas, my sense is that XH isn't anywhere near ready for a meal at our former home.........maybe on the patio when the weather warms up. You probably remember that XH has a big aversion to doing anything in the kitchen (I don't know the real reason for this). Well, when we lived together I cooked lovely meals from scratch every night even though I worked 60 hours/week. We would sit down together in our dining room with candle light and music (nightly) and eat them together. We loved talking about our days together. I did this because I am a good cook, I wanted to eat healthy meals with healthy ingredients, and also to save money for us. XH used to complain that he did more around the house than I did but since he never cooks he has no concept of how much work it can be to buy groceries and prepare meals. On the other hand, I've been a homeowner as a single woman for 30 years so I have a pretty good idea of what XH was doing around the house. Anyway, inviting XH over for a meal might push some of those old buttons, but maybe there's some middle ground somewhere? I'm open to ideas. That's why I plan to bake the fougasse for saturday morning. The house will smell good and I'll have XH taste the special first press olive oil I bought a few weeks ago.
I stood facing the parking lot and slowly pulled off the long-sleeved fleece pullover I was wearing over my head.
So this is how you guys keep warm in the Great White North....
nice...
GAG,
It all sounds good, I love the interactions you are having and while the time factor might be frustrating for you, the pace seems to be about right. I am glad you stepped out of your comfort zone with the comment on the hug, eventually an even bolder move may be in order.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
As we hugged goodnight our faces were close. I hugged XH tightly and with my face next to his I said “You always gave great hugs! You’re a very good hugger!”
My only suggestion here is to keep things in the present tense.....
"You give" instead of "You gave"
"You are" instead of "You were"
"I like" instead of "I liked"
see the difference??? You like it NOW and want more of it NOW.
Remember you are building a NEW relationship, use the knowledge of the "old" R to build the "new" R........By bringing up the old R you potentially risk triggering a bad memory for Mr. GAG, and you do not want that.
Make sense?????
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
I said "BMF will take care of you, won't he?" XH shook his head and muttered something negative. I know that was a cheap shot on my part, but I'm taking every opportunity to draw XH's attention to BMF's self-centeredness.
Okay, here comes the 2X4 of the day.....
You can't make him think something or make him see things your way.....and that is what you are doing. You come across controlling, weak, afraid, etc. If he asks what you think about BMF then tell him how YOU "feel".......personally I would not even do it then.
Do not tell nor try to convince your XH how he should "feel"...
DB 101.....right?????
You "know" this stuff but yet choose to do otherwise!?!?!?!
BMF is the OW now......if BMF was another woman would you keep bringing her up in conversation?????
NOPE.......so stop bringing up BMF in convo.
This is a simple thing.......but it is hard for you......why????
GAG, this is where your "work" lies. just sayin'
Enough of that, go to your corner with your tweezers and start picking the splinter's out.
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
Well, XH’s sister is arriving from out of state in two days and we are going to lunch on Saturday. Interesting that XH said “What time should I bring X-SIL to your house Saturday?” ………. So I guess XH will be at the house with his sister on Saturday. I plan to have his favorite candles burning and have freshly baked fougasse cooling on the counter. It will be interesting to see if she has any new intel.
This is great!!!! The fact that he is coming to the house is a huge step based on what you have told us previously. Just remember not to get your expectations up.......for your XH, the house is the "scene of the crime", he may get there and not feel comfortable.
If he does not want to stick around then don't force it. Also be aware that your X-SIL may try to play cupid when all 3 of you are together, this could also make him uncomfortable, so if you see this going on you may want to "head it off at the pass" if you sense your XH getting uneasy.
Good luck and let us know what happens!!!
Originally Posted By: goodattitudegirl
Missher, sauces for grilling.........sounds interesting. Let us know about your top choices, won't you?
Okay, one of my favorite things to do is go out to eat and then come home and recreate what I had or even make it better.
This is what I had last night with my GF and consequently will be working on...
NC Tile Fish with White Shrimp, Anson Mills stone ground grits, trinity, house made Andouille sausage & roasted tomato-tarragon pan sauce
This is a "Low-Country" (Charleston, SC) favorite and yes you read correctly...."grits"...they are served as the "starch" in the meal and are made so smooth and fluffy that they have the texture of mashed potatoes.
We may have to start a cooking thread!!!
Have a great weekend!!!
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
When XH walked in, a half minute later, I said “Bon jour Mr. GAG” and cheek-kissed him on both cheeks. He reciprocated. He explained that he had been on the phone with a potential new client who wanted to know if XH would send him a quote sometime in the next hour (it was 6pm). XH said he couldn’t send it that evening but would have it to him first thing in the morning (pretty sure this is why XH didn’t consider going out for drinks after TT). XH had a new haircut so I said “You got your hair cut. It looks very nice!”. I stood close to him and stroked the back and side of his haircut with my hand.
but since he never cooks he has no concept of how much work it can be to buy groceries and prepare meals. On the other hand, I've been a homeowner as a single woman for 30 years so I have a pretty good idea of what XH was doing around the house. Anyway, inviting XH over for a meal might push some of those old buttons, but 