hi pal your wife is being guarded right now that's all and though she may be considering reconciliation, she is protecting you just in case that is what we, as women do two hours on the phone? sounds great to me if she didn't want your company she would have been off much quicker be patient and like zen says, you are doing a great job of keeping your expectations in check
Oh yes, this is the good news thread I was looking for!!!!!!
2Step,
I agree with the others. I don't feel that there is any way that I could be more proud of you. But you know what I'm proudest of? When she mentioned about not knowing if she could reconcile and one of the others posted about that, you answer was very, very telling. You said 2 months ago, it would have broken you. Today, you're able to shrug it off. What HUGE growth!!!
So... from a girl who has dumped a few guys (sorry), she is not talking like someone who is about to get divorced. She is talking like someone moving towards reconciliation. You already know this. There are too many things in that conversation that she said that a woman would NEVER SAY if she really wanted out. Emotionally, we're pretty smart that way and know exactly what to do not to encourage a guy. They give classes on this in kindergarten.
Ummm... the book her sister gave her??? She read that to you? grr is right, as usual, she's fighting pride right now. Perhaps she will use God as the "excuse" to come back (the best excuse there is, IMHO). I just love, love, love that whole exchange. From Genesis to Corinthians... so much scripture on why coming back to 2Step is the right thing to do for Mrs. 2Step.
All of this is so encouraging. Tell me, any mention of the paperwork??? You were real concerned about that a couple of days ago. Has she breathed a word?
Keeping the expectations just right is the hard part. Sometimes I catch myself saying "easy killer....you had a nice talk that is all it was don't start reserving the rental truck just yet" I get so pumped that I have to talk myself down. The higher the climb the faster the fall!
Gypsy,
Re-building trust is the single hardest thing I think we can do. We can't do it until we start talking and developing friendship. I guess the part I was missing in the beginning was the fact that every conversation does not have to be about M. Last night for example we talked about vacuums for her mother. I caught myself on the Lowes website checking out vacuums without her knowledge and almost bought one and had it shipped without saying a word to her. I stopped and thought........how would this be perceived.......I am still undecided. She made a comment yesterday that true compassion is giving without expecting anything in return. She is right, but how will it be perceived?
grr,
"and though she may be considering reconciliation, she is protecting you just in case that is what we, as women do"
This is a very good point! I have not looked at it from that angle at all but it makes sense. At this juncture we just don't know but I do know she has gone from he!! NO to thinking of me in a more positive light.
When we spoke about DVD's yesterday she mentioned she had only taken 8 DVD from out collection and Knocked Up was one of them. She said "that was a very fun date we had, when we went to see that at the movies together" This comment is important simply because it shows that some positives are starting to come back.
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So... from a girl who has dumped a few guys (sorry), she is not talking like someone who is about to get divorced.
Lis this is the first time in my life I have been dumped! I am going to call all my previous gf and apologize . This is the part that I has always baffled me, for a woman who is "done" she sure talks to me a lot. Before though I just didn't get it the whole detachment thing or the give them space comment. My DB coach said something very interesting to me. "I think that your impression is if you are nice and let her go she will leave. If you validate and agree with her decision to leave she will stop calling you. The opposite is true. Don't be scared to let her go. Allow her time and space, that is what she is craving and screaming at you right now" At first that comment scared me. I think I get it now.
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Ummm... the book her sister gave her??? She read that to you? grr is right, as usual, she's fighting pride right now. Perhaps she will use God as the "excuse" to come back (the best excuse there is, IMHO). I just love, love, love that whole exchange. From Genesis to Corinthians... so much scripture on why coming back to 2Step is the right thing to do for Mrs. 2Step.
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When she first mentioned the book thing I was "thanks SIL you Bi#%%!!" After she began to read it I was like "Thanks SIL, that is a great book" LOL. It was a fun read.
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Tell me, any mention of the paperwork??? You were real concerned about that a couple of days ago. Has she breathed a word?
I am soo glad you ask this question LIS because there has been 0 mention of this. I almost slipped a few times and asked if she received the paperwork but I didn't. The closes I came was asking her if mail had resumed because of the snow but it was done in such a way that she did not know my reasoning for asking. I really don't know what to make of this. Is this good? Is this bad? The subject has been completely mute.
Hey Lis I don't know what happened to the quotes. ugh!
W jus texted me a few minutes ago
W "Back at work....ugh...actual temp outside -22"
M "Good god! I tried helping you out and prayed for more snow. I guess God chose another prayer to answer. I guess he figured you needed the money....LOL"
dude - she's thinking about you during the day. That's pretty huge. Feels good, doesn't it?
REMEMBER THAT FEELING! When you guys meet or talk after SHE calls you, tell her that. Say something like, "Thanks for texting me the other day just to say hi; it meant a lot."
Man, that will give you back in spades. You know why? She's trying to reach out even just a little bit. The fact that you are aware of it and mention it will validate her. I'm not sure why we as husbands didn't get that book when we exchanged vows but I'm POSITIVE we wouldn't be where we are if we did.
(that last sentence sounded weird typed but I hope you got it)
REMEMBER! Stay the course. Let her reach out to you. Enjoy the small victories and continue to GAL.
I'm very damn happy for ya!
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
You were ignorant. There was a communication breakdown. Instead of trying different ways of getting through to you she just quietly cried herself to sleep.
I can so relate to your position here. My XH acted like everyting was perfectly fine for almost 2 years. He says he was just acting like everything was fine because he was hoping that would make everything go back to normal, but the only person he didn't have fooled was himself. Everyone else, including me, had NO CLUE anything was wrong, until I found out about his PA and then when I confronted him he told me he wanted to S. But it was my fault I wasn't a good enough mind reader to know that he was unhappy.
It's so frustrating. You look back and you see the times they were sad, mad, or grumpy, and wonder why you didn't realize what was going on. In my case, it was because my XH when asked what was wrong would reply, bad day at work, going back to school and dealing with immature selfish kids is horrible, other drivers are horrible, etc etc etc. He never said it was about me or us, even though he now claims that was always the underlying problem.
Anyways, I guess the point of my rambling post is that you can't make it all your fault. Both of you contributed to the mess you are in. Stereotypically, women talk more. When men don't listen, they talk more and/or louder. And hearin gthe same complaint but not having a consequence makes it seem less like a serious complaint. And stereotypically, men don't respond to that, they respond to actions, like her leaving. Now instead of hearing the broken record, an action makes it clear that it really is important, that she really means it.
So don't beat yourself up too much for not seeing it before. Your eyes have been opened now and you won't make that mistake in the future.
You can't change the past, so focus on the future. And you have a bright one in store for you!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Yeah I remember those days well. I hope to relive them. Is this what your sicth looked like in the very beginning?
IronMan,
Baby steps is right!! The hardest part is realizing you are taking them. I see a little opening and I want to start running. Consistency and patience. Two of my flaws are being tested daily.
Thank you Michelle for sticking with my sicth for so long. I know that if I am not getting a 2x4 from you I must be doing something right. Waiting on my other favorite 2x4 person……where is the Gritter Keep me grounded.
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I can so relate to your position here. My XH acted like everyting was perfectly fine for almost 2 years. He says he was just acting like everything was fine because he was hoping that would make everything go back to normal, but the only person he didn't have fooled was himself. Everyone else, including me, had NO CLUE anything was wrong, until I found out about his PA and then when I confronted him he told me he wanted to S. But it was my fault I wasn't a good enough mind reader to know that he was unhappy.
In my case I knew she was upset about certain things I just didn’t realize how upset and how hurt she was. She told me, she screamed at me, she argued with me. One thing she said to me was “I tried telling you every which I could. When I stopped caring I realized it would make you lash out more and I was scared that is why I left so quick.” Some things don’t hurt others cut deep. I never wanted to hurt her.
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you can't make it all your fault
Once I get to this point I think the healing will be quicker. I struggle with this because she is such a caring person. When she talks to me it sounds like she knew so much better than I knew her.
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You can't change the past, so focus on the future. And you have a bright one in store for you!
For xmas I sent her a present and she sent me one. I sent her a carousel (she collects them) on it was this message engraved “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending”
I appreciate your insight very much Michelle I am sure after over 9k post you have seen every sicth under the sun. I am glad you are so upbeat about mine. You have been instrumental and correcting my mistakes and pointing interpreting some of her comments for me. Thank you
. This is the part that I has always baffled me, for a woman who is "done" she sure talks to me a lot. Before though I just didn't get it the whole detachment thing or the give them space comment. My DB coach said something very interesting to me. "I think that your impression is if you are nice and let her go she will leave. If you validate and agree with her decision to leave she will stop calling you. The opposite is true. Don't be scared to let her go. Allow her time and space, that is what she is craving and screaming at you right now" At first that comment scared me. I think I get it now.