I have been in the military since I was 17 have seen my fair share of deployments and the things that would keep men awake at night. I however do not suffer from nightmares or guilt I have learned to hide my emotions from a young age. At 7 I left my native country of Cuba while my mother stayed behind. I never thought I would see her again. At the age of 22 I learned that the son I loved was not mine I can go on and on. I have always been quick accuse and slow to show compassion. This has harden me but tonight I logged on and read your words and I had tears in my eyes, not because of my sitch, that chapter is yet to be finished but because people like you exist.
I have never met such a great group of human beings in my life. I have hope for humanity because of you.
I have a new update to post that I will put up shortly and tonight I will visit all my BITS and catch up.
Denver I would fly to meet you anytime, but not to talk to your W for you, but to meet both of you and so that you can meet mine.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Ok so as I explained yesterday I have been somewhat absent because my laptop was not working so all my updates have been coming from home after my D goes to bed but usually I write from work with my work laptop. So I drove an hour to take it to the IT department to see why it was not working properly.
In reality the laptop was fine but for some reason it could not post on the DB site or check my personal email (which I shouldn’t be doing from laptop anyway) as I approached the base I get this text
W “so much snow…..NO work!”
M “LOL u get snow days…..yaaaaaay go make snow angels!!!!”
W “It’s too cold! Gonna stay warm and toasty”
M “good idea. Curl up with a good book and enjoy the peace and quiet”
Showed up at the IT center and told them about the email problem, 30 min into them getting my computer diagnosed I get a phone call.
W “hey how are you?”
M “I am ok just at the IT shop pc problems”
W “Are you busy I can let you go”
M “Nah. I don’t know what they are doing and they said it could take 6 hours so I can sit here and waste 6 hours of my life or do something productive and talk to you for a few minutes.”
W “I wanted to call and thank you for the call last night. It meant a lot. I am a little annoyed that it took you so long to come around. You have apologized before but last night seemed sincere”
M “I was glad to make it, I know I have called before and I am sure I was sorry before but maybe I was sorry for the wrong reasons. Last night I was in complete peace with letting you know that I was ok with whatever you decide to do.”
W “You know…..it’s funny….well not funny but sad that it came so late. I wish the best for you H I really do. I don’t hate you I am hurt but I don’t hate you. I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you I left because nothing would of changed if I had stayed and because I needed to leave for myself and for D. I know that does not make sense but it was not a healthy environment for her, you or me. I am not a selfish person.”
M “I completely agree with you W, I know you do not hate me and I know you don’t have a mean bone in your body, in a way I thank you for leaving because you saved me and perhaps even saved this M if that is the path we end up in. I wish I had a time machine so that I can go back and talk to myself because I think that is the only way I would of listened.”
W “I was a good mother to D but you didn’t think so. All I wanted was for you to acknowledge me and the things I did. I blame your mother for a lot because for me it is too painful to believe it was you doing these things, I can’t bear the thought that the meanness was coming from you so your mother is the easy target. I know that is not fair. I know it was you. You feed your ego by destroying mine you feed off my weakness and you destroyed me, in turn I stroked your ego and if you would of done it right I would of feed your ego and made you feel special just by being nice to me. I always thought I was a strong person but you made me feel weak because I was walking on egg shells in my own home. This is part of the reason I wanted to go to church because I needed to find some peace because there was no peace in my own M. I’m so glad you are making changes I just wish you would of made them sooner.”
M “I wish I would have made them sooner also. I can never go back and correct the wrong all I can do is to make sure that I never make them again. I we do get a second chance I will spend my life making it up to you, if we don’t I will be better prepared next time around”
W “You know I can’t just decide to leave and then decide to go back like it never happened. This didn’t happen overnight and it can’t be fixed overnight.”
M “Rome was not built in a day. With all the hurt comes an equal amount of healing. I know this will take time but I believe you are worth it and I believe we are worth it but this is only how I feel. If you feel differently I understand”
At this point she began to recount all the things I had done wrong and all the times I had hurt her and made her feel worthless. A few times she stopped to ask “do you understand?” I said “totally, This must have been so difficult for you” then she would continue. This went on for about 2 hours and then my computer was ready so I went into the building. I was getting pretty worn out because I was taking quite a beating but the whole time she was kind and pleasant never mean or vicious. I asked her if I could call her back my PC was ready she agreed.
I called back on my way home and began the conversation
M “You know W I know I have failed you on multiple levels and I see how you could be so hurt. I wish I could change that but I can’t, all I can do is make sure that I do not do it again. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step and this is mine.”
W “It’s funny…..well sad really…..that me leaving was the only way to get you to start walking towards me.”
At this point we made some more small talk and then she said
W “My sister got me a book”
M “What is it?”
W “what god thinks about divorce”
We both got a good laugh about this and she agreed to read me some verses. The book is basically a collection of bible verses with some personal stories. She ended up reading from each chapter and my 1.5 hr ride home was spent reading to me.
W “Chpt 1,2 ,3 ,4, oh chapter 10……..we will skip this chapter for now”
M “wait a minute…..how can you read all these chapters and leave me hanging on chpt 10? What is the title of chpt 10? What is it about?”
W “reconciliation”
We both got a good laugh
M “well I guess we can skip that one if you like”
W “well let’s see what is says”
She read the chapter and found two quotes from scripture one she liked very much and one I liked even more. I can’t remember were the hers came from but basically it was about when a man M a woman he leaves his mother and father and becomes one with his W. She read it three times.
M “I think there is an echo on my phone I heard that one 3 times LOL”
W “ LOL. Yeah and these are GODS words not mine LOL they are even in parenthesis say they are straight from Gods mouth. How can you argue with that? I was even being spiritual when I wanted your mother out and I didn’t know it.”
M “Can’t argue with the all mighty. When you’re wrong you’re wrong. “
Then she read the next one 1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
M “ I like that one.”
W “I don’t know. I just don’t know.”
M “ I like the part about always hopes and always preservers but I especially like the fact that love never fails”
W “I just don’t know. I guess maybe you are right”
She kept reading and we talked for another 45 minutes. Then she said
W “I hope you know I didn’t leave because I didn’t love you. I left because I wasn’t being loved”
This was one of the hardest things I have heard. Then she asked me this
W “If you loved me so much then why did you say those things that hurt me? Why couldn’t you listen to me? How can you hurt someone so much if you love them as much as you claim to love me? I would never consider you an abusive person at all but emotional scars hurt so much more than actual hitting someone. Those are the scars that last.”
This one stump me but I bought myself some time and I told her I would explain without justifying my actions but I would need some time to think about it. I told her to give me time to think about the answer because it was such a good question I wanted to make sure it was well thought out. She agreed and agreed to call tonight.
How do I answer this without saying “because I was an a$$hole”
Phew long thread. I could make this so much longer but my fingers need rest and your eyes deserve a break.
dude, that made me tear up. I don't have an answer to your question. Please let me know when you come up with one.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
For me, the honest answer is...'bc I was an a$$hole"
sad
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I think that the answer we all have to this question is that we were ignorant. I know that it hurts for the women to hear that because they were trying to make us understand but pride got in the way of us hearing it. We loved our wives from our perspective but they were in effect telling us that we were loving them wrong and we couldn't hear that. It goes back to what Michele said... we respond to action and when they leave we "see" what they are saying.
I was ate up with tremendous guilt for so long because I reaalized how much growth I was getting out of all of her pain. I wish that it hadn't happened this way but I know that it had to for me to have gotten to the place I am at now.
BITS
M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
2step, what happened?? did you talk? i was was really touched by that post it sounds like things have turned a corner for you this is going to work out just the way you want it i know it i'm feeling really good about you right now and i'm sending those thoughts to you xo
So she called as promised and we made small talk for awhile. Then I said
M”I guess you want your answer huh?”
W “yep. I didn’t forget”
M “I guess I was ignorant and I didn’t realize how much a look can hurt and a word can wound. I wish I had deep words for you but other than I was an a$$hole I’ve got nothing”
W “I know that now and I knew that in the beginning but after awhile not listening to me got to me. It put me in a bad place. I tried fighting the feeling I tried being strong and not letting it affected me I tried to remember that it was just you being you but I couldn’t keep doing it.”
M “I am surprised you lasted that long”
W “It’s not that you are this big horrible person H…….the reason it hurt so much is because I loved you so much there was a day when you were my whole world you were my everything. That is why it hurt so much. When someone you love so much says something negative about you all the time it wears you out. Then you start questioning yourself all the time. When you say it over and over I started to believe something was wrong me. You drove me crazy. Does that make sense?”
M “More than you realize that is the real issue here, it isn’t that you left, that part is stinks, but the real struggle for me came when I understood how I hurt you”
W “You honestly didn’t notice the nights I cried myself to sleep?”
M “No sweetheart, I honestly didn’t. I wish I would have I wish I would not have taken you for granted. I know it’s hard to believe how clueless I was, but I was. I know this kind of pain took a lot of time and it will prob take longer to heal but some people make it and some people don’t I still don’t know which category we will fall into, I guess only God and time really knows but in the meantime I enjoy talking to you very much.”
At this point I switched t he subject to a much lighter topic. We talked about weather and tv shows and I told her I was reading a new book and the first chapter was called ‘What happens to love after the wedding’ I told her I was curious in the end we agree to read the book together.
M “I guess we can make it like I am reading you bedtime stories” W “Ok but not tonight it’s late and I know you have to work tomorrow”
I agreed and just before she hung up she left me with this
W “I enjoy talking to you H but I don’t want you think that we are going to get back together. I don’t know if I can ever give you what you want”
M “I know. Have a good night and I hope you enjoy your day tomorrow”
The entire conversation was about two hours. Ok now I will catch up with everyone because I have been so busy today with a sluggish pc and talking to W that I have neglected my BITS and fellow brethren on the board.
I know that she can't acknowledge the fact that she might go back to you but if you keep spending two hours on the phone each night you are going to be back together either way lol. Just a thousand miles between you but you are closer than you were when you went to bed together everynight.
BITS
M 11/11/00 Bomb end of September 2010 Filed 11/9/10
