but all of the baby steps that I took as green lights give me hope that there is plenty there to be rekindled.
It's okay to take it as hope. But it is a baby-step when the two of you can have more than one conversation that is relaxed and maybe even a laugh here and there. What I'm saying is not to go over-board just b/c she responded nicely in this one conversation. Women don't usually go from red light to green.......they need a caution light in between.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
2, my daily check-in. Today any better for you? Hoping so.
BITS
M: 48, H: 42 Kids: 0 T: 20 yrs M: 16 yrs. (H's 1st, my 2nd) WAS/MLC: 12/7/09-I'm not the wife HE deserved Came home per L: 12/26/09, Left again: 2/6/10 Served: 10/21/10, D FINAL: 6/15/11
2Step, First, (((hugs))). It is a living, walking, breathing nightmare, isn’t it???
Listen, I don’t want to lecture you because I have the same feelings you do. One minute I’m ok, the next minute, I’m looking for the tallest building (not quite that bad). I don’t bring it up here much because I know that I will be told that I am not detached enough. I already know that. Just not sure how to pull it off sometimes. There is one thing that does help me tremendously, though, and that is my Bible study. No one can calm me quicker than God.
I am so sorry for what you are going through, but there are no answers. I wish that there were clear answers for us, but that doesn’t exist. You know why? There are no clear answers in our WAS’s heads either. They are just as confused and in some cases (including yours), torn up as we are.
Now, stubbornness and pride are definitely driving things. This is so sad to me because there is no place for those emotions in a marriage, yet they drive many marriages. The thing is, 2Step, you don’t know what is going to happen. I think part of you convinces yourself that she is going to turn in the paperwork because you are preparing yourself. If you are right, then you risk getting hurt less, right? Wrong. You do not. You are going to get hurt either way. I don’t know why we do this. And, by the way, I am famous for doing this so you have company. But we do need to “act as if” because it is important for the relationship. Maybe if you act as if, she turns paperwork in anyway. But if we don’t act as if, we are not giving ourselves the best chance at reconciliation. Your interactions have been great, 2Step. Even you admit that they have been good. So, one thing might have caught her off. If she hands in paperwork as a result of that, what makes you think that there isn’t something that you can do to make her undo this whole divorce non-sense? I mean if she is that impressionable, anything can turn the tide either way. Why because of one comment is everything doomed??
Sweetie, I pray so much for your pain to go away. We all know what that is and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. But there are better days ahead. We may not believe that right now, but it is still the truth.
What you are feeling is normal. It will still hit you for quite a while. As time passes though, the ups and downs will be less crazy. You will spend less time bottoming out down and have longer bouts or normalcy in between.
There have been some studies that say it takes up to 2 years to recover from the break-up of a long-term relationship.
It's a process. And it takes time.
Ugh Michelle, this is not very encouraging to me. Two years?! I hate this! I hope it is the same for the WAW!
Lis, Sandi, FOBD, Denver, Gypsy
Thank you all for the kind words. My computer at work is not working right so I have been without you guys for awhile today and it was driving me crazy. Today I must admit I am a little better because I don’t feel out of breath but I feel numb. I have to take my D to the Doctor for an ear infection so I will make this short. I will get on tonight and check up on everyone. In sitch there is nothing new to report……..
oh 2step, i really feel for you please hang in there i know exactly what you mean i was up all night with this sick feeling and all my nerve endings felt raw i guess we will have our good and our bad, right? but you are doing so great and have seen progress just hold your head high and stop texting at this point you are not going to get the response you are looking for i should know after 2 days of pleading it did nothing but push him away and now i feel horrible please come here often and talk to us we are here for you and have got you xo
2Step?! How you doin man? LIS and grr are doing a group hug over on grr's thread! Come on over!
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
Well gang I feel much better today but it took all day to get here. Even as my M in the dumpster, how lucky am I to have found such a special group of people. I will count this as one of the small victories of my despair.
After thinking about it all day I decided I would reach out to W. I had some good news for her so I texted her.
M “I have some good news for you, if you can call tonight I will share”
W “K”
About 10 minutes later
W “It will be late I am on my way back from OKC now, bringing my mom back from the Dr. Is that ok?”
M “yeah that’s fine. I’ll be studying”
W “OK”
W “or I can call u now”
M “I am little tied up right now. If u get back too late u can call tomorrow”
W “ugh…….ok”
The good news is we have been in tax debt for a little over 5yrs and this was a source of constant irritation for her. It happened as a result of my business and she has mentioned it several times. Today I called the bank and got a loan to pay it off, I figured it would be better to owe the bank than to owe the IRS. She had suggested it in the past but I wanted out of credit card debt before I took on a new loan.
A few minutes ago she called I told her the news. She thanked me for doing it and we spoke for a little over 2 minutes. She said “it sounds like you are busy so I will let you go” I told her I was fine. Then she said “it’s snowing pretty badly and I can’t see the road very well. Let me go so I get home safe”
That was it. Today I am at peace with myself. I, along with all of you, came here to save my M. As I type this, that seems like an impossibility to me but who knows. I know that I like the person I am becoming and I will NEVER make the same mistakes again. I would love for my W to be a part of the journey but what we want and what we get are two different things.
2step, that is the hardest part. You want to make these changes, but you also want them to see the changes. It is sad really that at times we can't just make the changes and be happy that we made them. I have a confession to make. Each day when I am finished working out, I go into the locker room, remove my shirt and wash up a bit in the sink to get rid of all the excess sweat and gym germs before I head home to take a real shower (they don't have showers at my gym). While I am standing there, I notice all the cool changes in my body and how much more tone I look. And, stupidly, I always think to myself, "Boy, she is going to sh*t when she sees what I look like now." This is sad actually. Why? Because I am completely missing the point of going to the gym. It is to make me feel better, look better and make friends in the gym. Not to please her, but to please me. But the thoughts are always there. All I think about is the first time I get to take my shirt off in front of my W. Why do I do that? Right now, there is not much of a chance I will ever get to do that. But, we have these thoughts anyway. We want them back and you can't just turn off that emotion. If we could, we would all be divorced already and not spending hours here each night.
I guess that is why we are still "newcomers" and not experts. We still have to learn that we are not here just to win them back. We are here to prepare ourselves for the worst while hoping for the best. Wow, I am really all over the board here tonight, but I hope you get my point. It is OK to struggle with this. You are only human and you are hurting. Just continue to focus on the good changes and don't get to down when an interaction with her doesn't go to plan. Remember my football analogy. OK, so tonight she got a first down on your defense. Don't sweat it. There is still plenty of football left to be played...
BITS never walk alone!!!
FOBD
Me: 39 W: 36 T: 15 yrs M: 9 yrs S: 09/10
So you can get on with your search, baby And I can get on with mine And maybe someday we will find, That it wasn't really wasted time...
2step - I look at that as another baby step and a very positive one at that. Good convo even if it was short and "business" like. The wall comes down from convos like that.
Stay positive and feel good about yourself. I think you're doing great!!
m 40 w 38 married 15 together 18 d11, d8 bomb 12/19/10 2nd bomb 3/30/11 COMPLETELY DONE
W “hey sorry about the way I got off the phone. I hope I didn’t seem rude I just couldn’t see”
M “oh that’s ok I heard the wipers screeching I figured it was better”
W “how are you doing?”
M “I am good. How is your mom doing?”
We talked back and forth for a few minutes she told me about the TV she just bought her mom and about a SB party she went to and about the weather. Small talk nothing important really. I told her about possibly buying a house in the future and the fact that I would be getting promoted at work and that I was thinking about buying a TV to put in the room.
Her response…
W “isn’t that wonderful. You get promoted at work, thinking about buying a house and getting a plasma for your room. Yeah. Wonderful. Life is great for you”
M “Well all in due time. I wouldn’t say wonderful. I mean it’s not great but I am moving along”
W “I am going to need help putting my moms tv on the stand I bought for her. It’s too heavy. I should of just taken yours. I paid for it!.”
M “Anger is a great motivator. As angry as you were you could of probably picked it up and loaded in the truck. Just think of me when you are at your moms and the anger will give you the strength to pick up the TV and place it on the stand lol”
W “I should of tipped your over lol”
We talked for about 30 minutes and then said our goodnights. I came back to post walk around the house for a little bit and decided I was not done for the night. This probably goes against DB rules but my W love language is words of affirmation so I decided I would call her back. She answered the phone and this is how it went.
M “ I just wanted to call you and let you know that I am sorry for the way I have hurt you. You did your part on the M and I failed you. You were a great W and a great friend to me and I stopped being your friend and for that, I am sorry. I would of walked through the gates of hell for you. Never believe you are not a great woman because you are. I hope that I always see you the way I see you today. That is all I wanted to say. I hope you have a good night and a great week”
W “Thank you. I appreciate that very much. I hear you say that but I am a little skeptical. I hope you understand. Why do you feel you understand me so much better now than before, how did you get to that point”
M “Oh man. What time do you have to go to work again? Lol. I tell you W it has been a long and painful journey. It has taken me some time and a lot of grief. I understand why you left. I understand the feeling you felt and know why you felt them. I wouldn’t change anything that has happened up till now. It was necessary, at least for me. I had to go on this journey. When I started all I wanted was to win you back. I had to have you back right now because the pain was too great. What I realize now is that I will be ok with whatever you decide because I have changed the focus from winning you back to saving my sanity. In the process I have experienced growth but I had to suffer to get here. If you would not have left nothing would of changed because I was not listening to you. Once you took the action of leaving I had two choices 1. Continue with the status quo and just say I hate you for leaving. It was all you. 2. Take a hard look at what happened and take the time to learn about you. Choice two was the hard one but it was the one I chose. I am glad I did” W “I am glad you have done this. I wish you would have done it sooner. Everything I did was wrong. You were every body’s best friend except mine. I told you from day one two things never take me for granted and just tell me things would be ok when I was feeling down. You did neither. We went to the MC and he told us to grade our M and you said A and I said C and you still didn’t get it. I was doing what you needed in the M so you could feel loved but you stopped doing it for me. I lost my best friend you stopped caring about me. All you did was criticize me and put me down and then you even stopped telling me you loved me. You would say it if I said it. Yeah you would go to the MC but that is where your effort ended. Because you were such a man that you did not have to do anything I was the problem”
The whole time I acknowledged and agreed with what she was saying, not just to DB but because it was true, at this point she began to cry.
W “ I am so glad you have made changes. I wish you would have made them sooner. It is so sad that you made those changes now“
M “I know. Me too. I was putting diesel in a gas engine thinking the tank was full. I don’t know how this will end but I am better person for it. I guess I failed to see what a real M was made of and it is a lot of work. This is what those people who are M 30 yrs figured out. I think about if I could have seen this sooner what a great M we could have had with your personality and mine if I would have been just 10% better we would be having this convo in person but you don’t deserve 10% you deserve it all. I would of loved to have this convo in person maybe one day we can. I went it about it all wrong I started from the front backward. I realize I should have gone through my emotions first and worked on myself but I wanted the pain to stop and was blinded”
W “Even when you were here to visit you did not get it. I was telling you and you weren’t getting it. You wanted to hear yourself talk about getting back together and you were not listening to me. I was telling you”
M “I know you are right. I guess I was desperate. Now I see things a little clearer. I understand that whatever happens is going to happen and I can’t do anything about it but I am ok with the outcome because I believe that I have come out of this a better person.”
At this point I told her it was late and started to say goodnight. She talked a few more minutes but then started to tear up and said “yeah its late good night and thank you H for calling back and saying those things”
I know this is a long post but it was a good convo. I hope you guys don’t fall asleep reading it. A lot was said and she did some complaining about me which is ok and I listened and also did a lot of talking but mostly it was reinforcing. I did not defend myself or argue my point of view. At what point she said “I don’t know why you acted that way or said those things” I just responded by saying “I don’t know. My journey was to get to know you. You will begin your journey when you are ready”
I needed that convo this week. I really wanted to get this off my chest. Going dark on my W will serve two purposes one is reinforce the fact that I don’t care and not give her a chance to vent.
