Me too. Good marriage... No pressure...for 20+ years!!! Yes, I've turned outside the marriage... Briefly, most recently Internet EA that really did " just happen " -- not looking for it, but when you're a SSW, well...
My one girlfriend (my age) has a 20 year old--that may be the route I have to take!lol.
Unfortunately, the male sexual peak occurs at 19.
Usually on a Thursday
At 2:09 PM
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
I don't know what's funnier -- that or the counterpart "women peak sexually at 40". I actually believed that hog swill when I read it in well-researched sex books. Sure, like anything, it might apply so SOME women, but it's certainly NOT a general truth. I would have been better off not reading that because it made me complacent -- I figured my wife's sex drive would pick up as the years went on. And that mine would go down to meet her sex drive as it went up, so that by middle age, as one book put it, our sex drives would be pretty much "evenly matched" by middle age. Complete horse manure. Our sex drives literally couldn't be farther apart. Even years of therapy, including sex therapy, hasn't resolved the problem.
Oh yeah, one of the well-researched sex books even promised that women become more "orgasm driven" as they approach middle age. Yeah, right. I've never personally seen that.
SSM, please remember that because your wife suffered from sexual abuse (which she has as yet been unable to overcome), she is NOT a typical woman. From my own experience and that of my friends, a woman only begins to come into her sexuality by her late 30's or 40's, once she's shaken off all those social constraints of what a "good" girl should/shouldn't be/do and become at ease with her own body and desires.
In addition, as our partners become older and less self-focused and more nurturing, this also allows for sex which is far more mutually satisfying. This sex becomes a reflection of how our relationships have evolved and strengthened.
I don't know what's funnier -- that or the counterpart "women peak sexually at 40"
YMV!
Applied more generally the point/counterpoint probably are statisitically "true." Applied to specific cases, maybe not so much. As noted above, there are many other factors that go into sex-drive and when (and to what degree) one "peaks." Although I was well past my "peak" the last time I was sexually active (at age 43), there was little decrease in MY sexual capacity between my "peak" and my last time. I could still make love for hours on end (if that was what was available), multiple times in a variety of positions and locations. If anything, sex and intimacy were much more relaxed and much more "confident" through experience.
I was 33 and she was 39 when my current wife and I met (she, as I think I've mentioned before, is about 6-1/2 years older than I am) and at the time she would have told you that was her peak time. Lots of things contributed to that.
I have no idea of how my abilities have diminished with lack of "practice." At age 57, I assume they have. And it's much more than being about sex. On the plus side I am physically about the same in overall physical conditioning and stamina. I can still easily hike 10-15 miles per day with 30-35 pound pack on my back at altiude. There are relatively few peers who could do that (though a couple of years ago, it would have been much more of a struggle for me).
One thing I've noticed in your writing more recently is this disappointment in not causing or sharing a female orgasm. There is something about that for you...like if you really turned your wife on she would be able to experience the Big O (or something else liem your abilities are lacking because she can't/hasn't/won't/doesn't have an orgasm with you. As noted above, that may have little to do with you (there are trust issues to be sure and they probably have always extended to you). While it may seem to be a matter of the right amount of physical stimulation in the right place(s) at the right time, you know it's much more complicated than this. And perhaps just as irrational.
I've known women for whom orgasms were "reserved" for certain racial/ethnic characteristics. No amount of convincing could be applied to those situations. Of course, men can't fake orgasms (or sexual excitement) and if necessary, we men can just have it be about sex and our orgasm. It depends upon just how satisfied you are with that.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)
One thing I've noticed in your writing more recently is this disappointment in not causing or sharing a female orgasm. ... While it may seem to be a matter of the right amount of physical stimulation in the right place(s) at the right time, you know it's much more complicated than this. And perhaps just as irrational.
I don't think I've conveyed the situation accurately. She's never let me try to bring her to orgasm, with the exception of intercourse alone (which we all know doesn't work for most women). Her private areas have always been off limits. So any discussion about "right amount of stimulation in the right places" is way ahead of where we've ever been.
So it's not just the O itself I'm looking for. It's everything that would go along with even just trying to get there. I'd be happy if she just took an active interest in her own physical pleasure, and tried for an O.
So I keep hearing from women that it's all due to a very brief episode of sexual abuse in her childhood. But then I also hear there are lots of women who've entered perimenoupause who've lost all interest, not to mention after many childbirths. OK, sure, not all women lose interest, but it does cloud the diagnosis -- I can't say with certainty that it's the child abuse if other women are just as lacking in interest regardless.
In addition, as our partners become older and less self-focused and more nurturing, this also allows for sex which is far more mutually satisfying. This sex becomes a reflection of how our relationships have evolved and strengthened.
I'll agree that that happens, and it's an ideal to hope for. But you're talking about a minority of couples. Let's put things in perspective. First off, half of all married couples end up divorced long before they "become older and less self-focused and more nurturing". And I dare say that only about half of those who remain married long enough to become older have well-matched sex drives which are also more nurturing etc.
Unless you count people who divorce and find a partner who sexually matches them. In which case I guess you could say the news is good by definition. Even people who hate sex can meet up and by happy forever after in their celibate marriages.
In addition, as our partners become older and less self-focused and more nurturing, this also allows for sex which is far more mutually satisfying.
That sentence has stuck with me. I guess because it's so far from anything I've experienced. And because it sounds like the kind of sex people would aspire to if they've had lots of sex already, like older people who've already had years of wild sex when they were younger or something. But with my lack of experience, I'd be happy to just have any kind of sex with a willing partner, see what female arousal is all about, try new positions, and try oral sex (never tried any form of it).
It's likely that because of my lack of experience with any kind of "mutually satisfying sex", I'm not even sure what you mean by nurturing in this context. I'd love to have a woman who was totally self-focused on her orgasm. Sure is better than no focus at all. To me, it sounds nurturing to get a hand job from a stripper in a nightclub, as long as she did it was half a smile and a sense of humor. Not that I'll claim that that has happened -- but just the thought to give you an example.
