I have a pile of D3's Halloween candy, and I spent part of the day condensing my journal to post here. Really gave me a lot to think about. Tried to keep it short, but I'm a chatterbox. I'll post it in pieces to make it less difficult.
I would really appreciate anybody giving me their 2 cents.
2004: Separated for 6 months. H has 1 EA & 2 PA. Confesses affairs when I tell him I am done waiting and ask to sell house so I can move to be with my family. H recommits to marriage.
2005: Move to Houston for a job.
Aug 25, 2007: D born
Nov 2008: H loses job he loves due to boss he doesn’t get along with. Move back to Dallas and move in with H’s parents. H has several low paying part time jobs and tries to find something better. I take care of D and try to find job too.
Feb 2009: H finds full time job. Move out of parent’s house and into rental house.
Sept 2009: H loses job when company closes. Company does not pay last 3 weeks wages. We go on food stamps. H picks up hours at his part time job. I start process to be certified childcare home.
Next few months are tense as I start a home daycare and H withdraws to computer and work.
Feb 2010: H’s grandmother (step dad’s mom) dies after long illness.
March 2010: H wants to initiate foster to adopt process now “if we are ever going to really do this.” Have talked about for years, and had even started on Houston, but not finished due to move. Later find out this was right after almost having a one night stand with someone at a bar.
We start adoption process, my daycare gets up and running, and things seem to be going better. H and I spend time together and talk about parenting stuff. H helps around house more.
June 2010: Have to go to Michigan on 2 separate occasions for my sister’s graduation and to care for my Dad. H comes on 1st trip (car trip from he!!) not on 2nd. Me & D both get sick between trips. H says not to worry about the housework. Night before I go on 2nd trip, H goes on what I can call a house cleaning tantrum. H is distant on phone calls while I & D are in Michigan.
July 1: Return from Michigan.
****BOMB DROP*** July 3, 2010: 1st date with H on way too long. H says he has been unhappy for a long time, but doesn’t want to run away. Feels like an outsider in own family, and that he feels like we are just roommates. Agrees to try dating, wants to put foster/adopt plans on hold. End up going on one date and H takes extra shifts at work. I cry a lot and look for a new job.
July 18: H goes to help a friend move. Takes off wedding ring. Says he wants a divorce. Admits to almost sleeping with someone else back in March, but his friends from work stopped him. I tell him he has to be the one to tell his family. I won’t do it for him.
July 25: H starts overnight pet sitting job.
July 30: H moves in with his mom & dad. This is when they learn we are having a problem. I cry a lot.
Aug 2: mediocre date with H
Aug 3: H’s b-day. Has family party, then goes on all night drinking & strip club run with brother-in-law and friends from restaurant job.
Aug 18: D has 1st overnight with daddy. H is nervous about this so plans sleepover with his friend’s niece & her family.
Aug 22: D’s b-day party. Notice H is uncomfortable close to friend of his from H’s store job who brought her niece to party. I don’t like it, but try not to assume H is having a affair.
Aug 25: D’s real b-day. H’s maternal grandmother dies suddenly after long illness. Doesn’t want D & I to come for family get together. Planed living room camp out with D. Still have campout, but H is exhausted and reserved.
H has been cold & short with me when calling him to tell D good night. One night when H was supposed to come over then said he was sick, I call him at his parents house when he doesn’t answer cell. H is not there. I get call back, and I tell him I had just called his parents looking for him. H tells D good night, but is short. When I say “I love you,” H makes rude snort and hangs up. Next morning I tell H he is in charge of telling his D goodnight. I will not be responsible as it feels like I am stalking him and makes me crazy. He can set an alarm on his phone if he needs to.
Aug ?: H comes over. Tells me D has invite to his friend’s niece’s b-day party, but he will take her. I become suspicious. Ask H if something is going on. H admits there is “something,” but claims there is no relationship. I ask H to “Please finish things with me before starting a new relationship. Adding another person to this will only complicate things.” H nods in agreement, and says “ok.” I ask H to start setting aside time to talk and work out how our separation will work. H agrees.
I find Divorce Remedy book at library and start DBing.
Aug 29: Have date to talk after nephew’s b-day party. Agree to put divorce decision on hold till Nov 15th. Also agree to do finances together and work together to give D time with both of us.
Sep 7: Got together to work on finances. H’s spending was off the charts, not at all his norm. Admittedly small savings is gone, no more safety net. I had spent time venting and calming myself after getting a look at credit card bill. Was calm when he arrived. Let the checkbook and credit cards talk for me. H looks devastated when he sees his spending total. We talk about what we can do to stop the damage.
I have feeling that something is different and that it is going to be ok. Bills seemed to bring him back to reality for a bit. I finally get job offer from my old company. Start in 1 week.
I start teaching toddler art classes at rec center.
H is out of town with a friend reenacting a war when I start my job. H wants to help and buys me a computer case as a gift. H is out of cell phone range, but drives into town for good night calls to D.
H is working more at restaurant and store to keep money coming in.
Sept 28: DBing seems to have been working. Small gifts from H, increasing visits, relaxed attitude, more hugs, lots of sideways compliments (telling D what a great mom she has). H comes over fro dinner, we both have too many margaritas, and finally have SEX after D falls asleep! Yea! I call him next day to tell him I enjoyed night together, H says he did too. Also let him know I had a great time and that I did not want to pile on any expectations. Worried H will pull back
I continue to DB and act ‘as if,’ but see very little of H. We are both working a lot. H seems to be pulling away.
Oct 1-3: I go on women’s retreat with my church. H stays at house with D. Following week H starts picking up & dropping off D at day care instead of at house. Almost no contact with H. Trying not to ‘chase,’ but am anxious.
Decide to reconnect with in-laws. They have said they miss me.
Oct 6: I find cell phone records when looking at bill that was 3 times as big as usual. Hard not to notice the large number of long phone calls made to one number, and going all the way back to May. I had that number on a business card in my purse. It was H’s coworker’s number that I had suspected H had feelings for before. Phone records show continuous contact since May. Lots of long phone calls. H seems to have gotten to the point of calling her nearly every morning and every night. This is same man who can’t seem to make time to call me.
Oct 7: H finally contacts me to say he is coming in morning to get computer to use at new restaurant he will manage and will not be coming for dinner tonight. It was sooner than I expected and I rushed to ask about taking the computer for one more search for some missing birthday pictures of D’s 2yr b-day. H was frustrated and we argued. I tell H is ok, never mind about pictures, but we end up arguing that night, then talking for a while. Sad that things are so tense again.
Oct 8: H reacts negatively when I flirt a little as H comes to get D for a day out. H is supposed to tell me when he is dropping D off. At almost 3 at work and I have only a vague text message about picking D up. I am annoyed. Pulling back is one thing, but not communicating basic pickup and drop off information is another. I finally hear from H. I am supposed to pick D up at his mom’s house. I am still annoyed. Also, I broke down and looked at the phone record. He was on the phone to possible OW all morning. D is cranky and aggressive at pick up. Could be just tired, but I fear he spent the day with OW and my baby together.
I make peace that night with mother-in-law after long silence. Ask her not to be in the middle. She agrees. We will start talking again.
I start DBing on face book
Oct 9-10: Take D camping. Offer H use of house since he is working & wants a break from his parents. H accepts. Calls to chat & ask when I will be back in morning. I offer to get there before he goes to work. H says not to worry, he would be gone by 9 & we should stay & play since we were already there. Texts in morning to ask how D slept. Cold sounding when I call him to say how she did. Several disturbing things about house when I get back. H slept in smaller guest room. Back blinds are closed, not open like they usually are. H letting me know the blood on the bathroom sink was from a bloody nose, but there was no blood or evidence of any cleanup. Neighbor (who had gone to OW while back for a hair cut) remembered that OW also lives with her parents. Knowing that would have stopped me from offering H the house while we were out camping. Neighbor also tells me she saw an unfamiliar car parked in front of house while I was camping with D. Same color as OW’s car.
Oct 11: H is supposed to take D all day to play then overnight. Calls night before to ask me to drop D at daycare so he can go in to work in morning then will get her after nap. H ends up picking her up at 5pm. That night we talk on phone & H askes about the house. I told him I had no plans to move now. He said he was planning to get a place after the restaurant opened. Not what I wanted to hear, but not surprised after the last couple of weeks. I asked him to give me enough notice to get D and myself ready for the transition.
Oct 13: H is supposed to pick up D from day care. I get off work before he does and ask if is ok if I get her. Don’t like leaving her there when I am home just down the street. Have a short play time and snack before H came to get her. As an added bonus, I got to see H and did a great job staying positive and friendly. Seems to break H’s no contact behavior.
Oct 15-17: H’s parents are out of town. Fear OW contact, but decide to DB through it. H continues brief chats. No harsh or cold tone of voice all weekend.
Oct 18: H comes over to have day with D while I am at work. H fixes some stuff at the house. Next few days H is warm one day, cold the next. H is being very unpredictable. I decide to back off.
Oct 20: H is supposed to get D from day care. I have checking charges for him to categorize so I can do budget. H says he will come over and do that before taking D. H stayed till after 9:00 talking with me. First time H starts to open up in a long time. Spend time together doing family stuff, talking him avoiding me, our worries about daughter, and new restaurant opening soon. H and I set several days over next few weeks to get together, talk, and celebrate my b-day. I tell him I know I there was a very good chance I would not get what I wanted, but that he should take the time he needs to figure things out. Hugged while we talked for a while. I asked if he wanted to put November 15th talk off till after holidays, he said no, go ahead and keep it on the calendar, but couldn’t even think about it right now.
Last 2 weeks: H follows through with visits, but not much talking. I decide not to push. H is being more consistently positive. I start posting on DB board.
Thanks for the welcome! Remember a couple months ago I was reading the Midlife Wives Club and thought, "Oh god no, don't let it be that!" Comming to realize it probably is though.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready. Although I am not on the board that much anymore.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Remember that in the stages of MLC it does NOT go 1,2,3,4,5,6 but can get all mixed up and repeat itself and have more than one stage at once. Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. GAL. Detach. Use the time that your H has given you as a gift to start to work on yourself.
Thank you. I am diligently reading all of these posts. I saved the links in my journal too.
A few weeks ago I went on a women's retreat with the new church I have been thinking of joining. I had thought it would be a great way to connect with people and start some friendships. It also ended up being incredibly cathartic.
The weekend started with "30 second conversations" where everyone paired off and had to spend 30 secconds monologuing to each other on an assigned thought or word. Mine? "retreat" and "loss." I cried for 24 hours straight. Then I pulled it together and made some great friends.
I think that it was just the first time I was able to let my gaurd down in so long that I didn't even realize how much I had been holding in. I try to let myself vent more now and that helps.
