Something Good This Way Comes...

[ernest88]

<<Then yesterday he came over and we walked around trick or treating for 90 minutes with the kids. Yeah, that's a lot of Dan for one week.>>

I don't think I did anything for 90 minutes with the X under any circumstance.....married, seperated let alone divorced........

I am an old follower of these boards and BBJ. I understand it is difficult but detachment and moving on go hand in hand. This type of proximity does nothing to accelerate the process. Therefore, it is no wonder that I read that you wish you had someone but nothing serious. You are not ready to let anyone get closeto you yet BBJ.....

All our exes are still in our systems to varying degrees.....your guy is firmly entrenched in there and as long as he stays there, you will spin your wheels. Not judging you at all....you still want Dan in your life.....it is obvious to all who continue to read your posts.

I do drive bys here all the time....and I agree with John

BBJ...you need to get a divorce...you may have done that legally..but you never ever did it emotionally....

I co-parent with Kim great....we can talk about Caleigh and have civil conversations..but..we don't do holidays, we don't share time..we don't trick or treat, ballgame or school together..

[BobbiJo]

And Mike, John, THIS is where I need help!!!! I am absolutely NOT emotionally divorced....

John I never thought about it but I am sure that is probably a big part of why I want to hang out with someone (I miss the affection/banter/partnership) but I don't want a serious relationship. I have heard a song "Half of My Heart" and I don't know exactly what it is about, but I do believe that I have only got half of my heart to give anyone else bc Dan has the other half.

I don't know how to turn the switch to 'off', how to stop loving him and caring about him. However I vacillate so often because I am a smart enough woman to know that I shouldn’t still love him like I do…

Sometimes I get so angry, I am just furious! He has lied, cheated, devalued, and disrespected me repeatedly. And sometimes I feel like I am just embarrassing myself by even being nice to him. What kind of pathetic person is so kind to someone who has walked all over them?

Then other times I think about how much my kids love it when we have family time. I know he doesn’t deserve it, but they do. It isn’t their fault that their dad left me, or that I was a doormat for so long that I didn’t help things much. So I really want to do things that make them happy. My IC said as long as I can handle the interactions, that it’s fine. I just think I was probably lying to myself about how well I handle things when we are together. If the kids go from doing things together to doing nothing together, I am not sure how much that will affect them. But being realistic if he wants to start playing happy family with Chippy (ow) down the road they will surely stop doing things with me, and I have to be prepared for that.

I could go on and on, it never stops. The back-and-forth in my head. It doesn’t matter how many relationship/healing books I read. Sometimes I read one and when it says, as most do, the part about completely disconnecting from the other person (Dan), accepting that the R is gone and will never come back, there is a voice in my head that screams “NO!!!” and it’s like I am fighting with myself…I know, it sounds dumb.

On one level I see all the crap that makes me so angry at him, and angry at me for settling for that and not demanding more a long time ago. On that level I cannot imagine ever getting back together and I don’t want to be anywhere near him. Yet another part of me misses the good times and the family times and wonders how I am supposed to be ‘okay’ with letting go of the possibility that it will ever be mine again…

Somebody tell me how to really let go??? Ugh.

[BobbiJo]

Maybe I need a different, stronger IC who will challenge me more.... or an inpatient program... and I am only kind of kidding. I just don't know why so many other people seem to move on faster/more successfully than I do...

And I don't think a hot new boyfriend will do the trick. I think I need to be healthy happy BBJ all on my own before I delve in to any of that...

[mishka422]

Oh BBJ.....I'm not the one to give you any help with that....OBVIOUSLY.....but I can offer huge hugs and understanding.

I know I've said it before, but IMO the best thing to do is to cut off from Dan entirely and that includes any kind of 'family' time. You are no longer a family and the more you give that to the kids the higher the possibility that they will be hurt even more in the future when one of you inevitably moves on for real. Like ripping of a bandage, it's best done very quickly. Cut it off now.

Thanksgiving is coming up. Other than scheduling, you need to have no crossover with Dan on any of it. Definitely the same for Christmas. Start now. Stay strong. You have to protect your heart and mind BBJ. If it's not good for you (REALLY good for YOU), then it's not good for the kids either. Their mom needs to be a whole person with a whole heart.

[mishka422]

And I don't think a hot new boyfriend will do the trick. I think I need to be healthy happy BBJ all on my own before I delve in to any of that...

True....too true.

[BobbiJo]

Ugh. Why this stuff still gets to me I don't know...but here it is...brand new text Dan just sent a couple minutes ago...

"You have really ruined my ability to ever have any faith or trust in women...staggering"



Oh,my. Somehow I caused him to lose faith and trust in me, while he was the one with the porn, strippers, and cheating??? Sigh...

So I suppose that Chippy wants more of a commitment. Really, your lack of trust in her is all about me and has nothing to do with the fact that your relationship started out with her lying and deceiving her husband? Sheesh.

[kat727]

I agree with Mish. Cut Dan off. He is no good for you and he won't see any of this as his problem as long as you are around. Well, maybe not even then, but we can hope.

I know you love Dan, I know you want Dan to get it and come home but nothing has really changed all that much for him to want to. You are still way to available to him. I am reminded of how Samantha broke up with Smith in Sex and the City(the good one). She said she needed to be in a relationship with herself more than with him. Be true to who you are and if he doesn't want that, it is his loss.

So basically it means you need to love yourself enough, to let Dan go.

kat

[ImprovedRomeo]

'I'm glad I could help you with that Dan. Now how about shoving this phone up your #ss ? When you're done you might feel your faith instantly restored'

Obviously, the women he's with are the trustworthy kind. But he's such an emotional abuser like most of them, it's always someone else's fault no matter what.

As for being done and moving on...it'll happen with time and in a gradual progression. I don't think anyone could wake up one morning and go 'ok I'm done as of today, let's go hunting for my next long term R'. However, outside factors can influence things say you meet someone nice who's company you enjoy then your emotions and energy will be redirected to that- doesn't even have to be a guy it could be a new job, a new friend, a new passion etc.

[ImprovedRomeo]

"aren't the trustworthy kind" - I hate the edit button.

And BTW, I agree with everything kat said! he's gotta go- out of sight first then out of mind soon after.

[ClingingToHope]

See now, I don't think I could let that go. I'd likely respond with "You cheated on me and I've ruined your ability to trust women? Are you serious? Do not contact me again about anything other than the children."

But I have a temper.