Hi. I hope my topic title is somewhat self-explanatory. Have a lot of you all here experienced the same thing with your MLS spouse? This is one of the more the difficult things I have experienced when interacting with my wife. We've been together for 12+ years. We've bonded strongly enough over the years that alot of our mannerisms are similar, we know each other's moods very well, etc... Combine this with the crisis that appears to be unfolding inside her since her emotional affair started with DJ last July. Throw depression into the pot. Sprinkle a little memory loss and confusion for good measure. Stir it all up. And, what do you have??
Skunk soup!
Seriously, in general, my wife has always had this knack for projecting her moods onto others (I say this in positive and negative terms). But, in this MLC state, that projection is much more intense than anything I've experienced with my wife in the past; especially now that she has moved out and no longer has a direct outlet (me) to release her inner turmoil and bad choices.
In general, it's already difficult enough to counter or deflect someone's negativity when he/she is sub-/un-consciously projecting that negativity onto someone else. Put that in the context of an MLC spouse who is engaged in an affair, in the throes of depression, anger, etc... In her current state of mood and mind, when it happens with my wife, it's extremely difficult to shake her negativity, not feel like it's ME who IS at fault for everything wrong in her life, and then STILL try to remain positive, loving, and upbeat towards her.
I've read here some of the articles, opinions, experiences on detachment. It makes total sense in the context of MLC. For many years I've held a strong affinity towards Buddhist religion, and one of Buddhism's core concepts is indeed 'detachment' to alleviate suffering in one's personal life.
I'm learning to detach with my MLC wife, and am somewhat successful (so far) with staying positive and loving with my "real" wife. But, when she's in 'one of those moods' this 'MLC projection' [of her negativity] is very intense and extremely hard to shake. In my experience, I could be Buddha re-incarnate himself and still have a tough time dealing with her negativity. To me, with MLC it's analogous to downing a whole bottle of Vitamin C so you won't catch a cold...and then spending your days tending sick people.
Sooner or later...you're gonna catch a cold!
Sooooooooo, how do you all cope with this aspect of MLC in dealing with your spouse(s)/significant others?
Welllll, yesterday my wife was definitely in 'one of those moods.' She has been cycling through depression, and has been going through a particularly rough cycle the last few days. Yesterday, I asked to stop by the apartment where she stays, to bring our kids by to say hello. (I have the kids overnight at our home every Saturday). She says sure. While we are there (for a total of probably 20 minutes) all hell broke loose. At one point I asked to use the bathroom. While I am in there I notice an empty medicine box in the trash can. Curious, I pull the box out of the trash can to see what it's for.
About ten minutes later the children and I are getting ready to leave and my wife says, "I noticed you were looking through my trash can. I don't want you touching my stuff." Me, being a a dummy and in my bright wisdom thinking, 'What's the big deal? It was an empty box...in the trash can...and I was curious...it's not like I was rummaging through her purse or drawers or something...' So, in my defense, that's exactly what I told her.
Welllll, apparently it's illegal in MLC-land to pick up empty boxes from trash cans to read the labels. My seemingly benign action turned into an argument that escalated to a point where she threatened to call 911 against me. (not the police...911). When I asked her WHY she felt compelled to consider such a drastic action over an empty box, she replies (pay attention folks, it's a doozy...),
"Because you talk too much and you won't shut up..."
So me, being the genius that I am, tried to make light of such a silly statement. Big mistake. She was very agitated and seemed adamant about it. It's very difficult to understand this journey (MLC) that my wife is on but, in that particular moment, it dawned on me very clearly that this isn't about me, my failures (which I need work on, no doubt), or empty medicine boxes. This is about her difficult journey, and her inability to cope with her depression. (i.e. her threatening to call 911 against her husband because he talks too much and because an empty box wasn't in the correct place...inside a trash can...) This is about her having to look in the mirror and face herself and the choices she has made over the last 7-8 months, and the choices she will make into the foreseeable future.
It made me feel really, really sorry for her, and very helpless to help her. I pressed a little further, to try and get her to see her own irrationality, but it was useless. I didn't want to face a situation where she'd actually try and follow through on her threat. So, I took the kids and went home. We had lunch, went to a park behind our house and played for a while, then I put my daughter to nap and let my son play video games for awhile.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning as I type this post. It's really eating away at me at how helpless I feel to do anything to help her through this crisis. I definitely can't do anything based on my expectations or personal assumptions about the world. I feel terrible that our children have to be a part of this process. As we were leaving the apartment yesterday and walking to our car I told my son to go back to the apartment and ask my wife why she wanted to call 911 against his Dad. She didn't have an answer for him. Anyways, to me, it's a good example of what I was trying to say in the first message above of how difficult it is to counter the negativity and depression. When it's being projected outward from her, but on a sub-conscious or un-conscious level, it's extremely hard to detach.
Sad thing this happened on Easter Sunday. Plus, her birthday (the big 40) is only 3 days away.
Hey, I just had a thought. Hope it doesn't sound rude.
My wife is on her period right now, and will turn 40 in three days. Could this have something to do with this particular cycle of depression she's going through?
If it is, and it's something obvious that I should have seen coming from a mile away, hey, please forgive me...I'm dense like that.
I learned my lesson though. I'm not going anywhere near her apartment without her explicit permission.
Man, this is difficult. I feel like my wife is on a runaway freight train that's about to go off the tracks. And, I'm running along-side the tracks, barefoot and running over broken glass or hot coals, trying to 'rescue' her before the train wrecks.
I feel like I'm living in a parallel universe, or that my real wife has been kidnapped by aliens and has been replaced with an evil clone or something.
I think this episode is showing you why you need to stay detached/NC. MLC'ers are sometimes very private. Kind of like teenagers. They don't want you involved in anything they do and they are very secretive.
Quote:
I told my son to go back to the apartment and ask my wife why she wanted to call 911 against his Dad.
You should not be using your son in the middle of something like this. 10 demerits!!!
Your W certainly let you know of your mistakes. Listen to her and obey her wishes. Or else you will incur more MLC spew and wrath.
Yes, I have experienced projection big time. This is what they do. You need to take the focus off her projection and concentrate on working on you.
You need to shield your children as much as you can from the MLC demon. This is to save their emotional health and well-being. Pulling them into your wife's tirades will only damage them. I agree wholeheartedly with Old Pilot. Work on making yourself the best husband possible as well as the best father.
Digging through your wifes trash is wrong. The ML'er looks at this as "control". You are now a guest in her house, you need to act like one. This all seems "trivial", but it matters to the ML'er. You have to start to see through the eyes of one.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
"You should not be using your son in the middle of something like this. 10 demerits!!!"
You know, in the heat of the moment I thought it was the right thing to do. My intent was just to give her something to think about, since my son heard him make the threat in the first place.
In hindsight, I do see how it was a pretty foolish thing to do. I have a lot of lessons to learn.
When something like this happens, does it re-set the "whatever-positive-progress-you-may-have-made" clock back to zero? Or, is it more like 1 step forward, 2 steps back?
It is definitely a learning process, a new way of thinking so to speak. It is the most difficult journey you could be on. If you can survive this you can survive anything.
My post was not to be critical, but to help you not make as many mistakes as I did. Learning from others is the best route to take.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
