Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[antlers]

WAS's run on a "high" for a very, very long time. Some never crash and if they do we won't know a thing about it.

I agree with this too. She's been on a 'high' ever since she left, and continues to do so.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Well based on the books I've read and speaking to STBXW after we reconciled I know there's a lot of hurt and unhappiness inside them which turns into anger and anger eventually turns into strength to make a change. The only change they think they can make is to run.

However, if there's OP involved then I'm sure that changes the dynamics. In my case there was no OP involved as far as I know...initially anyway.

The fact is that most of their hurt and anger is because they're unhappy with themselves and are trying to make others feel them better. So when despite walking away from everything they find that they're still unhappy that's when it hits them. In this case it doesn't matter if there was OP involved or not. However, they're not willing to admit (their self protection mechanism kicks in) they're unhappy or the fault lies with them- this is the part that can take a long time but eventually it happens. In most cases it's too late by then to make a difference for the LBS.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Fact is, I'm not responsible for her cheating...she is responsible for that all on her own.

Exactly, they have other options than cheating but they feel justified to do it. However, again, it eventually catches up with them and when it does it too becomes your fault.

[antlers]

Hello IR,

I believe there was much hurt and unhappiness inside her because of me being so darn angry, resentful, and abusive (verbal) over the years. It turned into anger, and she continued to get angrier as time passed, especially after she left...man did she get angry after she left. I started changing before she ever left...but it didn't matter to her at that point. She changed a lot during this time (starting about 3 months before she actually left). I watched her change into something I never thought possible during this time. She went from a loving and caring wife who placed a huge importance on our family...to a stranger...cold, hard, uncaring, mean, who placed no importance on our family.

I think the involvement of another person gave her even more motivation to do what she did (leave, tear the family apart...regardless of anything or anybody).

Jesus Himself couldn't tell her that she did anything wrong...to this day!

[antlers]

Fact is, I'm not responsible for her cheating...she is responsible for that all on her own.

Exactly, they have other options than cheating but they feel justified to do it. However, again, it eventually catches up with them and when it does it too becomes your fault.

Yeah, another option would have been to not cheat, stay in the marriage, go to counseling with me, not tear our family apart, and be happy about the changes that I was making (the changes that she'd wanted me to make all along).

[Gardener]

ant,
Catching up after some time away.
I'm sorry for your intense grief. I can (we all can) relate.
In my case I continue to grieve a memory for when I do see her (re: house sale and such) I am amazed at how indifferent I feel and how there is nothing about her that I recognize.

Improved Romeo, Gabby'sMom, CityGirl and others are dead on.

In fact

The only change they think they can make is to run.

Every book I've read, every C I've spoken to, and Snodderly says the exact same thing: Run. As fast and as far away as they can.

The fact is that most of their hurt and anger is because they're unhappy with themselves and are trying to make others feel them better. So when despite walking away from everything they find that they're still unhappy that's when it hits them...they're not willing to admit (their self protection mechanism kicks in) they're unhappy or the fault lies with them- this is the part that can take a long time but eventually it happens. In most cases it's too late by then to make a difference for the LBS.

^^^Wisdom.
True, sad, unfortunate wisdom.

I wish you strength and healing.

Peace,

[antlers]

Hi Gardener.

This is some stuff pulled from IR's thread, and it describes the way I feel, and have felt for a long time...hard stuff to deal with.

"A betrayal of this proportion is not easy to fathom and heal from regardless of who the OP is. The feeling of a sudden loss of your dreams and hopes, severing of that deeply rooted trust two people built and held near and dear and the feeling of rejection- it's horrible. One of the worst things that can happen to someone- especially someone who was blindsided and never could've imagined THEIR spouses were capable of such things." - ImprovedRomeo

Then, there's a side to these things that we don't think about much, but it's true just the same! I'd rather not have to go through it though!

"Sometimes I think it's a miracle we've made it this far and we can look back and be proud of how many obstacles we've over come, what we've learnt from all this despite the grave conditions and even joke about it. And that is having it easy...because in addition to all the emotional pain when you have to also take care of your health, finances, legal BS etc in the midst of the sh!t storm you really have to be a rock of a person to survive it all." - ImprovedRomeo

[soleil]

"Sometimes I think it's a miracle we've made it this far and we can look back and be proud of how many obstacles we've over come, what we've learnt from all this despite the grave conditions and even joke about it. And that is having it easy...because in addition to all the emotional pain when you have to also take care of your health, finances, legal BS etc in the midst of the sh!t storm you really have to be a rock of a person to survive it all." - ImprovedRomeo

I agree with this and it's so true.

I wonder if some WAS' ever apologize later? Like it matters anymore, but I do wonder.

Antlers, I am sending you a GREAT BIG HUG today. I hope your day only gets better

[ImprovedRomeo]

Antlers, you're that rock for having survived what you have - especially you because of how angry and vengeful your XW has acted. So believe that and be proud.

Reminds me of Bob Seger's "Like A Rock":

Like a rock
Standin’ arrow straight
like a rock
chargin’ from the gate
like a rock
carryin’ the weight
like a rock

oh like a rock
the sun upon my skin
like a rock
hard against the wind
like a rock
I see myself again
like a rock
oh like a rock

[soleil]

IR, it greatly amuses me how you find a song for every sitch on here. It's awesome