Going straight forward...antlers 6th thread.

[Bridgestone]

I have so many feelings, thoughts, and emotions...I don't know what to do with them...except hurt. I don't know how I could ever fully trust another, after all of this.

I understand this. I hope you can find other feelings in there as well with someone eventually, yourself first and foremost. To learn how to trust again.

It is scary to vulnerable and risk hurting like we are/have, but it's even scarier to think I will never love/be loved again too in an intimate R, and I need to be vulnerable to allow that to happen.

I hope you can allow yourself the time to heal so you too can be vulnerable and learn to trust. We are not all your XW.

Hugs
Bridge

[soleil]

My 2 cents for you would be to consider her gone, out of your life like a sist infection on your back. No talking, texting, etc. Don't tell her you're hurt, don't give her the privilege of even knowing that you exist. At this point you owe her NOTHING.

Yep. Do this. Go dark with regards to your R to her. The only contact you should have should be about co-parenting things.

Question for the board...

Since our spouses so clearly want out...do you guy sthink they have grieved the R already (while we are here feeling like scum?) Or do you think they grieve later down the line, after the fact, when reality hits them that they wanted the D?

[ImprovedRomeo]

I think they've grieved enough to find the courage to become a WAS...which in itself takes a lot. They do have a lot of guilt which comes out as hostile actions towards us. However, I don't think the reality and remorse truly hits them until much much later.

[soleil]

How much later?

[CityGirl]

WAS and courage hardly belong in the same sentence.

WAS's run on a "high" for a very, very long time. Some never crash and if they do we won't know a thing about it.

Make no mistake about it though - there is ZERO courage in being a WAS that just ups and leave w/o any discussion (unless there is physical abuse).

[antlers]

soleil, I do know what I did wrong...and I now understand why I was that way. I have no intention of ever being that way again.

It's never too late to start doing what's right...but I wish I had learned a long time ago the things that I've learned over the past couple of years.

[antlers]

Well I am hurting and grieving. I don't know if there's any truth to the old addage 'what goes around, comes around'. It's hard to choke all of this down.

I do consider her gone. It would be illogical and unrealistic to consider her any other way.

I appreciate your thoughts and empathy. I've been feeling it for a long time, but it's hit me big because of things coming to a legal end.

Thank God I have my son.

[antlers]

Hi Bridge.

I guess there's not any room for any other feelings right now. I've had opportunities to meet others and date, but I didn't want to, at all, until I was legally not married anymore. I do trust myself...I know my heart.

It's hard for me to think about another relationship right now. Period.

"We are not all your XW." God I hope not.


ps - there was infidelity involved, on her part, in addition to everything else I've shared on these boards. Haven't mentioned it until now, since the legal aspects of things have come to a close, but I've been aware of it since before she ever left. I was in the past what I've shared on these boards, but there was more to it than just that. I believe that she used the way that I was as an excuse, or justification, to do what she was doing.
I can remember how distant and angry she became all of a sudden...because she was already cheating. She projected anger and distance when she resented my positive changes...now that she had done something that violated her own previous moral code. It's as if she was saying, "I am livid that you made me do something so reprehensible, and only now are you making positive changes! If you had done these things sooner, I wouldn't have had to cheat on you!"
Fact is, I'm not responsible for her cheating...she is responsible for that all on her own.

[antlers]

I have no intention of communicating with her about anything. If communication needs to happen regarding the kids, I will weigh it heavily and decide whether or not it really needs to be made.

I think, in my case, she made up her mind to leave long before she actually left. And the fact that there was someone else involved made her decision easier...maybe even provided some motivation. Any grieving that was done by her, if any, was probably done before she left. She obviously wanted to divorce. She's no longer a person that I know, that's for sure. I can remember her telling me, shortly after the separation and during the separation that "I don't even know who you are anymore!"

[antlers]

I think some of them greived before they left, they are just too emotionally devoid to have real feelings like real human beings. They lash out now towards us, because it is the only way they can live with themselves, to rationalize and justify what they have done.

I agree with this wholeheartedly.