That's entirely possible, Cyrena (and I'm very sorry for your pain). Unfortunately, most of the authors and researchers who classify the different types of affairs -- like Lusterman -- don't even really ADDRESS the whole "what to do about it" question.
Puppy
Part of what drew me to this site is that Michelle W-D does classify an MLC affair as being in a class of its own, as well as offering advice for how to handle it.
p 259 It's very important that you give your husband space. He needs time to think, feel, and experiment, even if part of his experimentation involves another woman. If you start making demands right away, you will probably lose him.
That's it right there... She says "focus on yourself"
She doesn't say "MLC AFFAIR or NON-MLC affair" though... She says experiment with another woman. What can I say -- I strongly disagree with that. I think it's harmful to the betrayed spouse's self-esteem, and downright emasculating to most men. I've seen very, VERY few who can pull that off for any length of time, without real harm to their own emotional (and even physical) health.
But the guys, like Jack 3 Beans, who can pull it off with compassion for what their wives are going through and a determination to strengthen their marriages with the women they married--my God they're strong and sexy!!!
I exposed H's affair, and I believe that had I not found out and done so that his plan with ow would have happened. The day I called ows H and told him he talked to his w that night and was totally surprised to learn that she had rented an apartment and was moving out in less than a week. I believe their plan was to let the dust settle and then move in together. They didn't want to go from me and ows H to being public together due to all of our mutual friends. Imagine that! scruples? lol
I also believe that I prolonged any return of H because I exposed him. He was angry angry angry and I felt his hatred of me.
The only thing I wish I had done different was after I exposed, and then back off and detach, live my life and let him simmer without affecting me so much as I allowed.
It's taken years to get back this far.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
It is one thing to have a one night stand with someone and then realize it was a big mistake.
I even get the office fling thing.
Things happen, it doesn't make it right, but I get it.
The difference is with MLC the MLC'er is so screwed up mentally, they truly believe they are in love, and just like a wayward teen they feel they have to follow their heart.
They have no regard for who they hurt or what the consequences are. MLC is a mental illness.
With that being said, having an affair is not OK for anyone, regardless of their mental health.
Boundaries have to be enforced and the LBS has to protect themself, financially and emotionally.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Your H's situation is exactly like mine. My H's mother was on life support and he had to make the decision to take her off. Two years from that date, he had OW. It is amazing the similarities with these situations!
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
It is one thing to have a one night stand with someone and then realize it was a big mistake.
I even get the office fling thing.
Things happen, it doesn't make it right, but I get it.
The difference is with MLC the MLC'er is so screwed up mentally, they truly believe they are in love, and just like a wayward teen they feel they have to follow their heart.
They have no regard for who they hurt or what the consequences are. MLC is a mental illness.
With that being said, having an affair is not OK for anyone, regardless of their mental health.
Boundaries have to be enforced and the LBS has to protect themself, financially and emotionally.
Hi ... I'm gonna throw my two cents in here ... although I'm no infidelity or MLC expert.
Even non-MLCers believe they are in love and some believe they have to "follow their hearts" too. In both cases they are symptoms not the real problem.
The difference is WHAT they are symptoms OF, IMO.
A "regular affair" (and yes I shudder at that term but am using it for lack of a better one right now) seems to be a symptom of problems in marriage, immaturity, boredom, etc.
An "MLC affair" is a symptom of a crisis/illness within the individual which began in childhood and is now manifesting itself due to a stressor/trigger in the MLCer's life. They are running from themselves because of the extreme pain they experience if they attempt to deal with their issues. They can NOT work on the marriage, because even though it wasn't likely perfect, it really isn't the problem. Until they actually deal with their issues it is impossible to move forward. They cycle in and out if they try. Yes, they do need to be free of the A in order to face their issues, but unfortunately their readiness to do so happens on their timeline. You might be successful in busting the A even if it's MLC, but if the timing is wrong, if it's done before the MLCer is ready and willing to face their demons (and this isn't a timeframe, it's relative to the individual) you end up with an interupted MLC and a high likelyhood that it will repeat. They NEED to face their demons. We just CAN'T make them unfortunately.
JMHO, PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I think that during our spouse's MLC we have to focus on ourselves, and keeping our family going. We have no way really of knowing what will prolong either the affair, or the crisis itself. What is important is how we behave, grow and develop as human beings during a period of intense suffering. It can make us or break us, and sometimes seems to be doing both.
Behaving as well as we can, establishing clear boundaries, and being as kind as we can(in my case not always very kind) After all they may well not come out of the crisis ever, and even if they do, may not want to re-connect with us. We have our lives to lead regardless.
The occasional glimpses of sanity I have seen in my husband over the past few years confirm that in my case certainly, the crisis was going to play out in its own time, and is still very much on-going. Sometimes he can explain bits of it, from his perspective, and it makes no sense to me. The person that we really are is not apparent to the MLC spouse. We are, or seem to be, a symbol of all that they dislike and is making them unhappy in their eyes.
So do what you feel is right and decent, and try not to worry about the effect on the WAS. Most of us focus far too much on them, and not nearly enough on taking care of ourselves. Eventually I believe the truth of all situations emerges anyway.
Oh, I think you'd get a LOT of "beg-to-differ" opinions on that one if you posted it to FWASs, Wonka, lol.
Therein lies the problem. They are not MLCers nor have walked the MLC path.
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Some potent mix of marital neglect, resentment, entitlement, possibly some abuse, and a little old fashioned ATTENTION from the opposite sex, and --WHAM-O!! Conflagration.
This is the general gist of how affairs emerge. Read on.
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As I've posted on here before, I think that's part of the issue I have with the whole classification of affairs into "MCL affairs" and "regular" affairs. MLCers like to report how crazy their wayward spouse is acting (and they are), how LITTLE SENSE they are making (and they're not), and how IRRATIONAL and even RECKLESS they are being (and they are) . . . as opposed to . . . what? Explanable affairs? Justifiable ones? Rational ones?
You are coming from the point of view with the lens as a LBS with a W who had an affair. Mrs. Puppy did not have the universal vacant, dead-eyes appearance of an MLCer. Hence the distinction between a straightforward affair and MLC affair. To me, a person with a straightforward affair has built up a ton of resentment and some anger with the myth perpetuated by the entertainment industry which shows marraige as the "happily ever after." Then they get hit with snot-wiping, butt-wiping, laundry, dirty dishes, kids, bills and a spouse who has, oh my goodness, flaws! These "simple" straightforward affairs are a means of escape.
Whereas the MLCer has encountered deep, profound trauma in their lives that prompted the alien to invade and capture their personality to a degree that the LBSes do not recognize them at all. Even some family members may notice the change...as evident by the wonderful (and very recent) posting by Vulcanized about her BIL.
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what SANE person decides to KILL another human being???
Precisely. The MLCer is not a sane person.
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Just Google "love lust infatuation brain PEA addiction" (or some combination thereof) sometime, and do some reading on PEAs and how incredibly and powerfully ADDICTIVE their high is.
This is what would be considered a "straightforward affair." Try Googling MLC. You'd be surprised.
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She doesn't say "MLC AFFAIR or NON-MLC affair" though... She says experiment with another woman. What can I say -- I strongly disagree with that. I think it's harmful to the betrayed spouse's self-esteem, and downright emasculating to most men. I've seen very, VERY few who can pull that off for any length of time, without real harm to their own emotional (and even physical) health.
MWD is a MT/FT who specializes in affairs. I'd bet my house that her speciality isn't MLC. The book was written based on her observations over the years as a couples therapist where there is infidelity involved. However, there is a resource out there for MCLers. When I orginally came here for my XW's affair, I was in the Newcomer's section. Eventually, I looked over in the MLC threads and BAM! they were talking about stuff that I went through myself. There is a MLC board much like this in the alt universe. Jim and Sue Convey (if my recollection is correct) co-authored a book on MLC since Jim was a reformed MLCer and they wanted to share their experiences with others.
In short: MLC is in a whole category by itself. Which is a problem for many DBers like yourself and Allen who operate from the lens of LBS with a straightforward affair. I see both of you gangbusting sometimes by urging DBers to take "this tack/approach" because it worked in your sitches. And then you get puzzled why DBers in the MLC forum elect not to take your advice (which I think is the smart thing to do).
Fellow DBers,
Not all methods fit all sitches. It is not one size fits all. Treat each situation as an individualistic component within the context of your M. No two sitches are alike. So treat each with respect and compassion.
Mrs. Puppy did not have the universal vacant, dead-eyes appearance of an MLCer. Hence the distinction between a straightforward affair and MLC affair.
Is this the only requirement for her not to have been in a MLC? When I read the story it sounds like a MLC to me. The timing of the affair busting was perfect for breaking it up and putting her into depression withdrawal stage. Perfect boundaries. But she was still in a MLC to me. A roller coaster of events. Ups and downs, coming closer, distancing. Hormones out of wack. A perfect storm. Don't know about the childhood issues. Or the trigger event. But the actions seem just like a MLC.
The end result, also is something I question. After the affair is busted, what happens then? What is the end game? Is that like the end game in the six stages of MLC?
